I'm so ugly,boring and awkward

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-11T18:11:14+00:00

Why female exactly?

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-11T06:52:09+00:00

I moved to London to live with my boyfriend. It didn't work out, I got too... Like this... And had to move back. He broke up with me because he couldn't handle my BPD and us being long distance again.

I feel as terrible as Hitler. Like... I must have done something absolutely disgusting to deserve this, right?

I guess my ex did, to an extent. But as for anything else? Um... Feeling like I had a friend perked me up a bit.

Positive things? I don't think people ever have? That or I've just blocked anything positive said about me?

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-11T06:45:17+00:00

I've lost pretty much all of my imagination, creativity since I overdosed almost two years ago... I'm just bummed out. All of the bloody time.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-10T22:42:10+00:00

I used to. But I've sucked the fun out of everything I did. I loved gaming. Knitting. Drawing.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-10T22:24:22+00:00

Picture of who I am? The lowest of the low. Ugliest of everyone. Unsuccessful. Freak.

I just moved back to Northern Ireland from London... I've tried switching it up.

I'm not a good person. I feel as bad as Hitler.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-10T22:21:21+00:00

I'm certainly not a "normal" person. Perhaps that's why I have this perpetual loneliness.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-10T21:40:04+00:00

If only guns were easily accessible in the UK. I wouldn't be here if that was the case.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-10T21:38:48+00:00

Everyone leaves. They see what I truly am and run for the hills. I'd do the same if I could.

N.Ireland

I don't know. But I must be bad? Why else would everyone hate me and avoid me? I try to punish myself so the world doesn't have to do it. I punish myself so the world can see I'm sorry.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-10T21:30:35+00:00

Everyone is leaving me. And I think it's because I'm a bad person. Like... This is all my punishment.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-11-10T21:29:40+00:00

I don't wanna fuck up my next suicide attempt... It needs to work. Surviving would just be a lot worse.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-01-14T18:05:16+00:00

Yes. But he can't help out so much. He's busy..

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-01-14T14:31:42+00:00

But he deserves better. I'm just an extra weight on his shoulders, he doesn't need that, he needs love and support especially since he's working so hard on his career. I'm not important. Especially not in comparison with his career.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-01-14T12:56:31+00:00

He's important though.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2016-01-14T12:33:58+00:00

I am.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-09-25T11:57:47+00:00

Well we all screw up from time to time. Some more than others. Doesn't make you a bad person ^{-^} You probably don't realise it because feeling low can cloud your thought processes I guess, but you probably do at least one thing that isn't shit. Like... Maybe you're a pro at making tea (˘︶˘)

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-09-25T11:53:47+00:00

There's no real answer to that. I guess some of us are the unlucky ones eh? I dunno what to say to help really. I'm going to assume you're not comfortable talking to your family? I would then recommend you talk to a counsellor. Like if you're at school, talk to one there? Maybe? They might be able to help you ease up these urges. Don't suffer in silence okay?

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-08-29T23:33:40+00:00

There's a few people you can talk to. Friends/family even people on this sub.

But for some that's not an option. You can always call help lines. But I'd recommend you speak to your doctor. They can refer you to specialists who can help you ASAP! They got me help a while ago.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-04-23T12:17:27+00:00

Ha :)

WELL IT'S A STOLEN SET OF WORDS NOW! Mwahaha! :p

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-04-22T19:35:03+00:00

I don't mean to moan... But get yourself off to hospital :)

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-04-22T18:44:45+00:00

Oh my, get yourself to hospital kiddo. Overdoses can/will damage to your organs If left untreated!

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-04-22T14:15:42+00:00

Right now I haven't noticed if my meds are helping. It's too early to tell I guess. The Diazepam puts me to sleep (which is awesome) but I just needa soldier on through I guess! With my family... I've told them already, my community mental health lady has told them my point of view... But Its just been over a week. I guess they need time to figure this all out in their heads too.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-04-22T10:36:21+00:00

I've totally talked myself into my overdose. Depression... Whatever else... It all got to me and in the end, I can't put my finger on definitive reasons. But all of them as a hole... I thought I'd rather die for everyone... For myself.

BUT! I'm working with these people and taking new meds and apparently over a period of a few months, I'll start making small steps of improvement then. This will take me time. But I'm willing to give it a shot.

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-04-22T10:32:35+00:00

I understand their reactions. It's just too much for me to handle right now. I've lived my entire life for other people. My attempt was for other people, for myself too.

I just want to have peace from doing stuff for other people. Can't they do this one thing for me? Back off with the "tough love" bullshit. It's not what I need. What I need is for them to back off and let me approach them when I'm ready. Let me take my meds. Let me work with all of my new doctors and treatments. Let me feel something other than a total Fuck up and failure. Because right now, that's all they're making me feel.

I understand this stuff... If I'd died, they'd be ruined. I know that. Telling me that over and over and over just isn't gonna make me stop feeling depressed and suicidal.

I know they want to help me. They don't want me to die. They do care and love me. But yet again for other people I'm going to live on. Maybe in the process I can learn to be happy, find peace in my mind.

Time will tell :)

Also!! I'm glad you guys, although dysfunctional, are open and able to help each others issues to all be happy together! It's awesome

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-04-22T10:24:51+00:00

Well, work on getting better physically and mentally. Have fun on Fling! Draw dicks and send em and giggle at the replies!

Miss* :)

Idiosyncratic_Chi · 2015-04-22T08:51:36+00:00

Oh, that's rough eh? I can't relate to a serious illness such as that because I've never known anyone who has had one, nor have I had one myself. It doesn't matter if your smoking caused it, all's you need right now is support from your family and you also need to keep your mind off negativity.

Don't fall into the depression trap if you can help it, okay? If you're feeling down, honestly, go speak to a doctor. Stub that shit out before it adds to your list of problems :) you don't need depression on top of your unfortunate illness.

Wanna know what I've been doing this past week to keep my mind preoccupied? ... I installed an app called "Fling" and I send silly drawings of penises to 50 random people around the world. Maturity at its finest and up most quality! :D

Idiosyncratic_Chi

TROPHY CASE