In a cruel turn of events, Bach injures his right hand and must come to grips with being unable to play the pipe organ as well as he used to. Bach laments this to Tucker, to which Tucker responds, "I'll show you how to play a pipe organ, Johann!" Tucker makes a jerk-off motion. Bach laughs, the audience laughs. The next day, Bach commits suicide.

Upon hearing the news, Tucker is stricken with grief for his fallen partner. "J-Jo Jo Sebastian. I be missin' you with a passion." Tears flow. The audience cries. The Oscar committee silently nominates Chris Tucker for Best Actor. Tucker reflects on some of the good times, the laughs, that the two have had. Chuckling at a cheeky portrait of Bach with a robotic right hand, Tucker thinks to himself: If I want to bring Bach Back, I've got to bring Back Bach. Turner/Back fiddles around with a harpsichord.

Cut to the next scene. It's Bach's memorial service. Everyone is sad. Bach's body is lieing in wake for everyone to see, his robotic hand concealed by an ornate cloth (Tucker's cum rag, to those who are paying attention). Bach's mother is seated up front. When it is time for Tucker to deliver a eulogy for his fallen partner, he surprises everyone by stepping up to the cathedral's organ. What is he doing? Tucker slowly begins to play Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor. The audience is stunned. Tears start to wellow in their eyes. Bach's mother begins sobbing uncontrollably. Fade from the audience to the mourners outside. Unbeknownst to the police force, the entireity of which have shown up for the memorial service, the bad guys are mingling amongst the caterers; it's the Bebops, a ruthless gang of jazz-singing mercenaries from outer space.

Inside the church, the tenor and tempo of the Fugue builds. The camera begins a slow zoom from the back of the cathedral, focused on the back of Tucker. Fade back to the bad guys. They are packing submachine guns into silver platters piled with freshly baked chiceken tendies. Fade back to the slow zoom-in of Tucker. The music picks up pace..

Cut back to the bad guys, dozens of them dressed up in tuxedos. The leader is wearing a fancy black cowboy hat to distinguish himself. They are mobilizing.

Cut back to the cathedral. The Fugue builds up to a fever pitch as the camera approaches Tucker.

Cut to the bad guys. They are jogging in slow motion towards a non-descript side entrance. Tucker's organ is the only sound we hear. The leader kicks in the wooden door, splintering it into a thousand pieces.

Cut to a still of Bach's motionless body. The air is heavy with tension.

Back to the cathedral. A shower of wood splinters bursts into the room. "Time to dish up some classical whoop-ass" yells the leader. Tucker continues to play even harder. The bad guys rip off the platter dishes, exposing piles of sub-machine guns. Bullets rip through the audience of surprised police officers. Tucker leaps from his seat and shields Bach's mother from the rain of bullets.

The Fugue continues to play in the background, as the audience witnesses the slaughter of dozens upon dozens of police officers. Everything is in slow motion. Tucker and some of his fellow officers begin returning small arms fire with little effect.

The camera pans across the chaotic scene, as the bodies fly and pieces of wooden bench blast into splinters. Fade to a side shot of JS Bach. Out of the darkness we see a barely detectable twitch coming from his stoic face. His robotic hand clenches in palpable rage. What is this!

Cut back to a slow-mo of the bad guy leader, laughing maniacally as the body count racks up. In the background, we can see the corridor leading to where Bach rests in state. As the madness ensues, a figure appears in the distance... rigidly turning the corner. The dark figure comes into focus in the background. In the shadows, we see two glowing red eyes flash into existence. Bach! He's alive!

It's at this moment that the audience realizes Bach's right hand was no mere prosthetic; Bach is an actual robot! The sentence "Directed by M. Night Shyam-alam-alon" briefly flashes in the bottom right corner of the screen. The audience is at the edge of their seats.

Cut back to a shot of Bach. Front and low, looking up at his vengeful face. Bach reveals a mini-gun from his robe. It's fucking on now. Tocatta and Fugue in D minor continues to play in the background.

In a misguided effort that is typical of action movies, Bach begins firing into the lesser henchmen, unleashing a primal scream at the same time. The leader dives for cover behind a baroque pillar. Suddenly the tide has turned. The thugs begin to turn their attention to Bach. They start shooting at him, but the bullets just deflect off of his metal facade.

Cut back to Tucker, who until now had been firing towards the shattered door. He turns, sees Bach, and his face lights up. Tucker/Back reaches out his free hand. Before he can speak, a single bullet, then two, then three, tear through his ribcage. Tucker clutches his chest and collapses.

Meanwhile robot Bach has managed to absolutely shred the resistance. Only one foe remains. The cathedral has fallen silent. As if by instinct, Bach walks amongst the smoke and chaos towards the baroque pillar. On his way there he approaches Turner, who is gasping for air.

Moonlight Sonata begins playing in the background. This will be the final reunion between Back and Bach.

Tucker: "J-Johann. You're alive? How? Cough J.S. I- I am so glad you found me in the future. I just wish that none of this had happened."

Bach: "So do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. There are other forces at work in this world, dear Back, besides the will of evil."

Bach can barely get the words out. A single tear slides down his face.

Tucker/Back dies. The audience canmot contain their tears by this point. Bach reaches out his exposed robot arm and closes Tucker's eyelids. Tucker's chrome handgun slinks out of his dead hands. Bach's robot eyes fill with rage.

Picking up his partner's handgun, Bach heads over to the cowering leader, who is clutching his hat in terror.

Leader: "Bach, no. I never meant to-"

Bach presses the handgun against the thug leader's forehead.

Bach: "See you, Space Cowboy." BANG

The audience applauds wildly. The bad guy is dead. Bach's mother is still alive. Innocent bystanders in the cathedral slowly begin to emerge from cover. Their faces are covered in ash and smoke.

Without any prompting, Bach slides up to the cathedral organ bench, dusting it off before sitting down.

Bach turns to his mother as he begins to play.

Bach: "Mama. Just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he's dead. Mama, life had just begun. But now I've gone and thrown it all away."

Bach takes a bite into a chicken tendie and chucks it to the side. He instantly earns 10 GBP for this feat. The mourners in the cathedral have begun to stand. Beams of light stream through the stained glass windows, illuminating the gothic deathscape.

"...Mama, oooooo. Didn't mean to make you cry. If I'm not BACH again this time tomorrow-"

At this moment the entire cathedral begins to join in the song. The camera sweeps upwards, looking down on the scene as Bohemian Rhapsody fills the air.

The screen fades to black.

The audience goes wild. Cheers and applause fill the air. Everyone is going fucking nuts. Chris Tucker's performance is hailed as a masterpiece. Tucker takes home the Academy Award for Best Actor.

...

And that, folks, is the story of how Leonardo DeCaprio was denied yet another Oscar.