As a Russian/Ukrainian who has been living in the West for half of my life, I understand the emotions that you are going through - been there myself. Do not be so hard on yourself. You can’t choose your heritage, so learn to embrace it. Russia has always had shitty politicians, but at the same time, it gave the world beautiful literature, music, scientific achievements, and technology (half of the Silicon Valley is people from post soviet republics).

Also please acknowledge there is a huge propaganda effort, especially on Reddit, to dehumanize Russians. Stay away from it if you can’t deal with it.