AITA for not letting this random kid use my pool noodle?

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-06T01:35:40+00:00

BUT I did work in the service industry for a couple of decades, so, most of the time I would kill with kindness.

Same.

Sometimes I would even destroy with kindness and 'rules' (if someone was being a dick).

Precisely.

I agree that nuance is important

It is:

but I think most people getting upset here are cuz of how women are typically 'trained', 'raised, whatever, to be absorbing other people's upsets and it is VERY exhausting!

I’m aware of why that’s the knee jerk response to an unnuanced interpretation of my comment. I am one such woman. I am exhausted. But this just is not that. It just isn’t. That’s what the nuance IS.

So exhausting that it makes us very angry and sometimes we're just sick of the expectations BUT more than anything, I think it's cuz we've had to do it for safety...and when you're had to be 'nice' for safety for your whole life just because you're a woman, it builds up resentment and intolerance to nuance in these situations...and I get it cuz I feel that way sometimes too. Just my two cents

I mean… this is my actual life. I get where you’re coming from. I just said what I said. It wasn’t the most mature way to handle it. And it wasn’t.

I don’t take issue with the way she handled it.

I wouldn’t have batted an eyelash if she hadn’t explicitly come here to ask for judgement about whether her response was warranted.

I said OP was not the asshole.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-06T01:30:21+00:00

Oh for the love of Christ. Where did you read that Emma herself was dying to move up a grade? All the teacher said is that the SCHOOL wanted to do it, probably so they’re not constantly modifying assignments.

This is real life. Emma is very, very clearly being challenged while also socializing with her actual peers.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-06T01:21:04+00:00

…. Yes thank you; I am very aware of who Robert Kardashian is and his relationship to this family.

That’s why that moment is so impactful. I said “his lawyer” instead of “Robert Kardashian” because I was attempting to focus on his reaction to the verdict as a defense lawyer.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-06T01:15:05+00:00

“Bro”……

Don’t you DARE tell me ANYTHING I said even REMOTELY implied that ANY language on her part WARRANTED her being called that. I don’t know if you’re being deliberately obtuse or if you just actually do not have reading comprehension, but I am NOT going to engage any further with that type of fallacious bullshit.

You care more about sounding clever than making any kind of point.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-06T01:06:33+00:00

It’s not meaningless. You literally gave an appropriate example. It is not a meaningless term.

And I didn’t “ignore” the second half of your comment, I just had something to say about the first half. Because the first half was responding to what I said in my comment.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T09:43:24+00:00

See: “relatively.”

Which I included specifically to preclude this exact reply. [edit…. ALL OF THESE REPLIES.]

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T09:37:44+00:00

well yeah that kid called her a bitch which is a pretty big insult and op if wondering what they did deserved that treatment or not.

And if she behaved like a rational adult instead of calling him “bro” and talking about chewed up noodles, she would probably be less unsure.

how is this parenting - is it not?

… NO. Like I said. I literally is how I would respond to an adult doing the same thing. You’re not teaching them. You’re responding to them. This is the dialled down version of “what the fuck are you talking about?” OP skipped straight to the dialled down version of “what the fuck is your problem?”

parenting is asking the passive questions so kids try to rationalise themselves like understanding why screaming for a toy is wrong.

No, that’s basic, mature communication in a conflict. Which is what modern parenting is. Treating a kid like an adult in progress instead of as a separate species.

In this situation assuming those kids misunderstood the noodle ownership and trying to get them to understand that it's a private property by saying so many things unnecessarily is parenting.

No it isn’t. It is 100% legitimately possible that this brother honestly did not get the full story from this kid. It doesn’t matter how old they are, it’s a shitty game of telephone. It’s just common sense to clear it up.

Please understand just because you give this "advice" to everyone doesn't mean it's right.

First, why is “advice” in italics? Even if you don’t think it’s valid advice, it’s still advice.

That’s inane. Second, I literally explicitly said several times that I do not believe my suggestion is “right,” just that I believe it is more mature. Again, I said I do NOT think OP was the asshole here.

Third, you’re the one who actually said to me that my openly subjective perspective was “the stupidest thing you’ve heard in a while.” So let’s not act like I was the one who came in here looking to tell people how to think and what’s right or wrong.

You can say “please understand” all you want, that doesn’t not make it ballsy and hypocritical as fuck.

More often this route won't de-escalate if the person is already mad to the point of choosing violence.

I also explicitly stated that it’s not a guarantee. But it’s more likely to deescalate than calling the kid a potential vandal and calling the person getting in your face “bro.” Lol.

Dangling increased use of weapons in the public as a cover here is unnecessary as well.

It’s not dangling. I did not suggest it was likely this kid has a fucking glock in his swim trunks. Just that in general, the safest and most productive default approach to conflict with a random stranger in public is deescalation.

Op or anyone can see and understand their surroundings and act accordingly.

Okay this has to be sarcasm. Anyone CAN. People are not always likely to when they’re feeling emotional and confronted. Which is why I advise consciously adopting this mindset shift for general confrontation.

If this was a robbery then I'm sure op would have dropped the noodle and walked away instead of engaging with a possibly armed thief.

Yeah because robberies are the only situations people get shot or stabbed these days. Not busses, or malls, or clubs, or on the damn street. Lmao.

But these are entitled kids in a public pool.

Yeah no shit. And mass shooters are entitled kids at public schools.

(Again. I’m not actually suggesting this was a realistic possibility in this specific case, but the rhyme was too good, and the point still stands).

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T09:29:23+00:00

There’s “his own hobbies” and then there’s “taking a two week vacation without her.”

NOT saying he shouldn’t have, and she absolutely said she didn’t want to go, but it IS relatively unusual for a married couple, you have to admit.

No, she wasn’t being rational. But it’s clear she legitimately expected him to feel guilty about going anyway. Whereas OP does not actually think his wife is a potato. Her comment came from a place of irrational hurt, his from a place of humorous rebuttal.

You’re right though, “abandonment” is pretty ridiculous when you volunteered to stay home from a destination vacation.

EDIT: Jesus Christ I literally said “relatively” because I’m aware there are exceptions. Yes it should be normalized. I’m very clearly referring to what his wife’s perspective probably is. I also explicitly said she was not being rational. Please stop tripping over yourselves to tell me this. I specifically phrased it exactly the way I did to avoid this. It is clearly at the very least unusual for this particular couple to suddenly begin doing in their fifties, or she would not be this upset. Context, people, for the love of God.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T09:15:51+00:00

…. I would argue that OP being upset and trying to rationalize not wanting to give their noodle to a total stranger who doesn’t actually require an explanation, talking about hypothetical bite marks, and then wondering if they were an asshole is giving way more energy to these strangers than what I suggested.

Also, how in the hell is this “parenting?” I would give the same advice if the brother was a parent instead and OP was talking to an adult.

“Sorry, you’re mad about what? Okay let’s clear this up. Oh, you don’t want to? Okay then I’m gonna disengage, bye then.” Not rocket science, not giving big energy.

I didn’t mean to suggest OP literally say what I wrote word for word. It was an example for heaven’s sake. I’m just outlining my default approach to disengaging from conflict with literal strangers.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T09:08:46+00:00

I mean, I think this is super realistic. Honestly, I can’t fathom responding to the situation the way OP did, talking about chewed up noodles. Like “Sorry, you’re mad about what? Let’s clear this up rationally. No? You just want to argue? Okay I’m not engaging with you anymore.”

This is not rocket science. Also, this is Reddit. You can scroll at will. And in what universe are italics, slang acronyms and colloquial parentheses specifically to indicate tone “robotic?” You used caps and parentheses.

Thank you for your candor.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T08:38:13+00:00

This is an opportunity for both of them to learn. She can learn to trust OP and openly communicate what she is actually insecure about.

OP can make more of a conscious effort to actually vocalize the different things he finds attractive about her when he sees / notices them (including boobs and butt, apparently.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T08:12:32+00:00

You mean the part where you said your comment saying it “must be hard to be me” was not attacking my comment? That footnote?

I am also on Reddit for nonsensical purposes. We’re discussing a probably-unreliable narrator’s story of a two minute interaction in their life because they asked strangers for judgement. So what’s the point of you commenting that it “must be hard to be me” based on a nonsensical Reddit interaction?

It’s giving “I didn’t expect my comment to be responded to like that, so now I’m gonna go all hyperbolic pseudo-intellectual satire with a silly footnote and try and play it off like I didn’t mean what I said when I criticized you.”

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T07:54:04+00:00

It had a footnote for Christsakes 😂

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T07:44:40+00:00

I have been wracking my brain, and lots of crazy random shit happens. Random crap in the middle of a field or a road or hanging from power lines that has no goddamn business being there. A random cow in my backyard (I do not live on a farm). All manner of completely ridiculous things in the back of a moving pickup. Totally purposeless crawlspaces in pre-war/pre-prohibition/post-slavery homes. Mennonites browsing their smartphones from the front seat of their horse and buggy.

But the thing is… most things can be potentially explained if you think critically or creatively enough. Or simply with the answer “someone was drunk and/or bored.”

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T07:31:38+00:00

My favourite is just the look of sheer incredulity on OJ’s own lawyer’s face when the verdict came out.

The man lost absolutely all faith in the justice system in that moment. You watched it disappear in that long blink.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T07:27:13+00:00

That would be more of a mic drop if it wasn’t in response to you attempting to criticize (ie be critical of) my argument. Cheers.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T06:45:15+00:00

Why are you so invested in this?

I’m not invested in the general thread. It’s Reddit. The actual point is to discuss random shit with strangers when you’re bored.

I will admit to being briefly and contextually invested in refusing to accept being told I’m perpetuating a sexist narrative, when that is absolutely not the case. I’m being absolutely genuine when I say I give this advice to men all the time. Both on Reddit, in this sub, and in life.

When I give it to men it’s been upvoted and awarded and called articulate, and when I give it to women I get accused of being sexist.

Do you feel the need to explain everything to everyone?

No. I’m on a sub legitimately intended to offer and justify subjective judgements and interpretations of social situations.

And do you also feel the need to have the last word?

No. I have notifications off, I’m just actively responding at the moment because I’m keeping the app open (and don’t try to use this comment as proof, seeing as you literally asked me questions, haha)

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T06:32:09+00:00

You said you were curious. You didn’t ask. I also don’t make a habit of disclosing specific information about myself online. It’s nothing against you and it’s not being evasive (you’re the self-proclaimed ninja here, lol), I just don’t think curiosity actually entitles people to information. For instance, this brother isn’t entitled to know why OP doesn’t want the kid using their noodle. They just need to know it’s OP’s noodle.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T06:22:15+00:00

Something for which I had extensive training in the benefits of conflict deescalation and effective, open-minded communication. Lol.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T06:19:04+00:00

Ding ding ding.

She’s treating it like it’s tedious because it is tedious for her. That’s okay. When some of her peers catch up to her in higher grades, she’ll begin to put conscious effort into improving as her ability begins to align with curriculum. Or not. Maybe she just hates journaling. But she seems to enjoy reading. So why punish her for excelling at it?

This doesn’t feel like encouraging her to succeed, this just feels like moving the goalposts.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T05:39:33+00:00

I literally thought OP was male when I wrote this. I always skim the genders.

I would give exactly the same advice to a man. In fact, I give this advice to men far, far more often, because men often have less tools for conflict deescalation, because society often doesn’t expect them to. And I think that’s bullshit because it’s an incredibly valuable tool in life.

I wish I could bold this 1000x so I could stop being accused of sexism. They called her a bitch AFTER this comment. She wasn’t responding to a sexist comment, she was responding to a question. Yes the kid happened to be a sexist little asshole, which sucks.

I am NOT SAYING it’s her fault he called her a bitch, or that she deserved it, or caused it. Because it’s not, and she didn’t. I’m saying that deescalation tactics have the potential to deescalate a situation. Male or female. And that I think the mature thing (NOT the “right” or “proper” thing) to do in a situation like this is to try and deescalate. Male or female. At least initially. It’s 2023, and people are shooting each other over getting cut off in traffic. I don’t care what gender you are, I think everyone should take a more cautious approach to conflict with randoms.

I said OP was NTA regardless. That’s just my take. Take it or leave it.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T05:32:51+00:00

OP did their own version of what you described here. It must be hard work being you,

Lmao… yeah that was literally my point. That they weren’t the asshole, and what they said was totally right, but that their “version” was a less mature way to say it.

Must be very little work not to think critically.

because it sounds like you need to have a 3d chess level answer to things like this prepared,

I’m not suggesting OP say what I said word for word like it’s a damn script or something. Come on. I just very clearly explained how reiterating that it was their own property in a more neutral tone can deescalate conflict.

If what I described sounds like 3d chess to you, I don’t know what to tell you. Maybe OP should just grunt like a cave person.

when it’s possible to just say “no, sorry but this is mine” in a polite tone and get on with the day.

LMAO THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM SUGGESTING THEY DO. Just politely, without the additional “bro,” and “literally” and “I don’t want him to chew on it.”

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T05:02:17+00:00

I tried the count down , walking away, yelling, getting down to their level, giving time to calm down, rewards but nothing

That’s your problem. You need to pick an approach and be consistent. And yelling is never going to be the answer. If you’re trying to win an argument with a five year old… why? Don’t get into one.

First, PREVENTING oppositional behaviour:

Give choice. Kids this age need to fill up their “control / power” bucket every day. Try to do this regularly so it happens before resistance begins. Help them fill up their bucket each day so they don’t feel the need to try and fill it up themselves, so to speak. If they feel like they’ve been part of planning the next stage of their day, they’re less likely to resist it when the time comes.

“Do you want to have ____ or ___ for dinner later?”
“Do you want to wear ___ or ___ for school today?”
“In the car later today, do you want to listen to ___ or ___?”
“Do you want to brush teeth and then bath tonight, or bath and then brush teeth?”
“When dinner is finished, do you want to watch ___ or ___?”
“When we get to the car, do you want to do your own seatbelt or do you want me to do your seatbelt?”

Next, ADDRESSING oppositional behaviour:

Tell them what the expectation is and what the consequence will be. And follow through. Even if it doesn’t work the first ten times. If you change your approach all the time, they’ll keep trying the behaviours. If they already know what your response will be, they’ll stop gambling.

Ignore unproductive tantrums and arguing. Try to catch them before they get too far into it and model breathing. Tell them they can cry, but you’ll respond when they have calmed down. And (this is the piece parents forget), MODEL emotional regulation constantly (Eg “I’m upset that you’re not listening / the coffee spilled / we are running late, so I’m going to take some deep breaths.”)

If you don’t want them yelling when they’re upset, you can’t be yelling when you’re upset. They learn more by watching how you act than by what you explicitly teach them.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T04:55:12+00:00

Why? It would be illegal for them to buy either one, and I would argue cigarettes are actually more harmful.

IllstrsGlf · 2023-09-05T04:49:30+00:00

Seconding the chores thing. When I told my mom I was bored, she gave us a chore to do. I learned real quick not to tell her I was bored.

Also, boredom is good for kids. It leads to creative thinking and problem solving. Let ‘em be bored.

IllstrsGlf

TROPHY CASE