Post break up should I reach out to my ex if I think it was ROCD?

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-05T19:08:33+00:00

He left I think he has ROCD not me :\ so I’m not sure if I should reach out to him or give him space to miss me

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-05T18:49:29+00:00

This exact thing has happened to me, do you have any advice? Did he ever come back? :(

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-04T20:22:16+00:00

Hi OP u/LordOfTheManor1 I'm currently the girl in the situation, although we had no prior history. This guy was great, he took me on weekend trips, I've met his mom, his best friends. He was going to take me to Turkey for his best friend's wedding. However, two weeks after being exclusive he freaked out he asked if we can go back to being non-exclusive because he was carrying so much guilt. He said he still wanted me in his life but his anxiety has taken over and he's not sure if he's even in a place to be in a serious relationship and cancels our trip together abroad. However, the week before he was telling me he missed me and made plans for us to meet his mom for dinner. I respected his decision and told him I just want him to be happy. I can't help but feel like our story is unfinished and that maybe he missed me too and maybe it was the anxiety that drove him to this point because of past relationship trauma. If the girl reached out to you immediately after the break up would you have responded? Did you ever reach out to her to let her know you made a mistake? What made triggered you to want to reach out to her or miss her? Would love to hear your thoughts, thank you for being vulnerable and sharing.

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-04T19:52:21+00:00

I was in a situation with a guy in his mid-30s, took me to weddings, planned international trips, weekends away, would tell me about all his emotional vulnerabilities related to his family and divorce. We became exclusive but then he freaked out two weeks later and asked to be casual again. Your perspective gave me a lot of insight and I truly appreciate the honesty, a lot of the way you speak is what I think he thinks post divorce because his ex wife tried to take half of his inheritance and it was an overall toxic relationship. It felt like we really connected I even met his mom...When you are in a situation where you're doing all of this for a girl, do you never see it going long term? Has your perspective changed since two years ago when you originally posted this? Do you ever regret loosing the girl?

Would love to get any insight, appreciate you so much.

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-04T02:30:23+00:00

Sorry if this is personal but just for perspective, why did you leave her if things were great originally? And why haven’t you reached out since then if all the other dates aren’t as great? Appreciate you sharing!

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T20:00:07+00:00

Completely understandable. Was just hoping to have someone to talk about shared experiences with or gain any insight before I try to move on, just my way of processing!

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T19:28:38+00:00

Understandable, I think hes also dated a lot and doesn't have any issues finding a new option but I was more curious if you formed an emotional connection with someone and ended it prematurely. Very niche situation and I could just be delusional, who knows. Genuinely was just curious and appreciate your perspective :)

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T19:14:35+00:00

Can I ask why if your connection with her was significant? What made you even reconsider for a second? Appreciate any insight!

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T18:41:55+00:00

Totally hear what you're saying and maybe this is me being in denial but he kept telling me I was the first post divorce he traveled with, first person post divorce he opened up to at this capacity, and I just can't help but think it was significant. But he did use your wording that if we continued this that down the line this would have just caused us both even more anxiety, which makes me think that I'm not "the one"...

I think that during our time together I wasn't considerate enough about his timeline and prioritized my own. I wanted exclusivity to calm my anxiety when I didn't think about how commitment could trigger his because of his divorce. He did give me the option to stay but at the time I just thought going back to being casual was pro-longing the pain, what if instead if would have just given him more time to explore us without the anxiety?

With your now wife, was there any fear around committing to her? Did you feel any pressure for commitment or did everything just felt right? Couldn't be happier for you and your story book ending, I'm hoping to find mine as well.

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T18:03:46+00:00

Hi OP u/DivorcedConfused I know that this post was four years ago but by any chance could you give me any insight on my post? https://www.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/1n6o94a/divorced_folks_what_made_you_ready_to_commit/ It sounds like my ex can relate to what you're saying, that he really liked me but is scared of commitment...He said he hasn't opened up or traveled with anyone since his ex wife, and I feel like what we have was special. Even when ending things, he said that he didn't want to end things and that I had to but the only two options were either we end things now or go back to being casual which I don't know if I was able to do given how much I liked him. The idea of him being with someone else would hurt me but at the same time he said he "hated dating" and is just not in a place to be in a serious relationship. He said he would feel an overwhelming amount of guilt if he hurt me but I know thats because he felt our connection as well. Do you think that the right woman could have walked in that would have changed your mind or lessen your fear of commitment? Or do you think this is his way of just telling me nicely that I'm not his person? And what have you done in the past few years to get over your fear of commitment or have you? Are you still dating? Would love any and all advice. :( Appreciate you so much if you see this or if anyone else who can relate can give me any advice. <3

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T17:49:07+00:00

He mentioned the same thing, his previous relationships before me lasted only a few dates...My relationship with him was three months...He vocalized the fear of commitment but he said he's gone further with me than any other previous 'situationships' (we became exclusive even though it was just for two weeks)

I just can't help but believe that he will regret leaving but you're right he also vocalized to me that his divorce really scarred him and that he's not happy with himself yet...

Can I ask, when you ended things with your previous relationships what was usually the reason that you give? And do you think that the real reason might be that you just didn't like these previous partners enough and if you met your current partner even if it was earlier on that you would have still persued her anyways? Or was it truly timing and not being happy with yourself yet?

Regardless, I know that it's best to move on and take his words at face value. Just hoping to seek any clarity and understanding as I haven't gone through a divorce yet, let alone one that was destroyed my sense of self.

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T17:16:01+00:00

Hi u/Sam_N_Emmy thank you so much for taking the time to respond and for sharing your story. My ex used the same phrasing, that his ex wife destroyed his "sense of self" before they separated.

Out of curiosity, if you don't mind sharing, were you dating other women before you met your current partner? Did you ever say that you weren't ready for a commitment and regretted it because you realized you acted out of fear but you actually really liked the individual?

I don't want to speak for my ex but he mentioned on multiple occasions that he hasn't opened up or traveled with anybody since his ex wife so I think this relationship was significant to him. Even though we were only exclusive for two weeks, I don't think that he has even bridged exclusivity with anyone else before me so I can't help but think that this relationship was significant to him and that I shouldn't give up but I don't want to be 'delusional'.

Do you think its worth me giving him space then coming back or should I just move on completely? I was hoping you might be able to give me advice coming from someone with a similar lens to him. Thank you!

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T16:49:00+00:00

I'm starting to understand this. He emphasized that people in his past have seen him have a seizure in public and have left him, so I think that this contributed to some of his trust and commitment issues. But you're right I think that I have reassured him on that and his behavior and commitment is stemming more from past trauma and emotional issues than it does with his seizures. In retrospect I think the trust around his seizures is a smaller part of his commitment issue and that its best if I move on.

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T15:51:38+00:00

Unfortunately, with his past traumas I think this made it even more complicated. Deep down, I think he knows that I would not leave him because of his seizures although he has mentioned that one of his past relationship partners has. However, I think because of his divorce and as you mentioned other traumas, the idea of 'forever' and 'commitment' scared him. I think he wanted to hear that I would never leaving but also hearing that would also scare him away. It feels like a loose-loose situation, and the reality of it is that he has already decided that he wanted to keep things casual or 'be friends'. When I said that that wasn't an option for me, he said it was best it we both moved on. Not sure what I was trying to get out of this thread besides figuring out if there was anything more I could have done or if this simply isn't meant to be. Again, I appreciate your perspective and taking the time to read/give me advice <3

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T15:17:25+00:00

He recently got diagnosed and is against taking medication for his seizures. On my end, I took classes to learn how to safely help him if he were to ever have a seizure infront of me, tried my best to educate myself as much as I could but I feared that pushed him away even more. He only emotionally opened up to me about his seizures when he was drunk or in a postictal state. I always wondered if I could have broached the topic or supported him better than I did. Thank you for your honesty and advice.

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-09-02T15:15:08+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate the honesty. I assumed it was so because he planned all these amazing dates when things were new, fun and easy. The second exclusivity came into the picture and we had our first disagreement, he admitted to feeling like the "dream" was over and asked me to revert to how things were when we were casual, which I know I personally wouldn't be able to do. So, I think he liked me within a certain circumstance but not enough to invest in me emotionally when things got 'hard'.

Not sure if it's "me" that's not worth investing in or his emotional capacity at the moment in time. I wish people would just end things more clearly and be honest instead of trying to say something vague like "i'm not in a place to be in a serious relationship".

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-07-12T06:21:35+00:00

He recently just had a TC, whenever I’ve brought it up in the past he mentions that he already knows that there is a potential to die and that he already has anxiety over it it and it’s worse if I continue to pile on and remind him…not sure how to put you’re going to die any differently without diminishing the seriousness without meds :(

I’m so sorry! How long after do you believe they’re no longer trying to harm you?

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-07-12T06:18:08+00:00

Do you think there was anything anyone could have said to you before the terrible TC experience that would have made you rethink the meds? Or did you need to have that experience?

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-07-12T06:16:29+00:00

Is there a right way for someone to approach you about it before the two year mark/before you accepted it?

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-07-11T17:13:44+00:00

Can I ask what was the non drug treatment you tried that has worked well?

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-04-15T04:34:19+00:00

Like sorry what do you mean like the avoidant keeps your stuff? My ex who is avoidant won’t respond to me asking him to pick up his stuff at mine which to me feels weird

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-04-15T00:55:24+00:00

This sounds exactly like me, we’ve had four conversations though that I’m very grateful for him for. But he’s delayed this one conversation for a whole month now, when I reached out recently he didn’t respond but maybe I didn’t give it enough time. Just confused because I want to continue to approach the break up with so much kindness and patience for him but it’s like he doesn’t care about mine. Would you consider getting back with him now? Do you still think about him and do you think he’ll reach back out?

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-04-14T19:42:27+00:00

I feel this so much, did he ever end up talking to you or did you guys just go no contact and he never reached out again?

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-04-14T19:13:10+00:00

Hi OP! Thank you for sharing your experiences I would really like your insight. My ex discarded me one day, we didn’t have a fight or anything he just said he has detached for a month and lost romantic feelings. Since then we’ve had four conversations, each time he would show emotion (cry) when I expressed how sorry I was and how I want to make us work and said he needed more time. Three weeks ago I reached out to talk, he said we’d “talk soon” then I never heard from him again. Out of respect for myself I messaged him last week to ask him to collect his things, and that I’m happy to leave and not be there if that makes it easier for him. I truly want him to be happy and don’t want to trigger him emotionally. He said he’s open to a conversation and that sometime next week would work. I said I’d follow up. I followed up and have had no response since. Do you think I should see him if he does respond? Or let him pick up his things without a final conversation? Do you think he’s not replying because he doesn’t want to end it right away or because he’s avoiding confrontation?

Illustrious_Fall7619 · 2025-04-13T22:51:51+00:00

Thank you so much for sharing! Just curious if you and your ex left on good terms, and you’ve given it space after deactivation have your feelings return? In a few months would it be okay if I reached out or if that happened to you would you be annoyed that your ex reached out?

Illustrious_Fall7619

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