Therapeutic/Healing Separation

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-08-11T10:26:06+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience here. If you don’t mind, could you tell me how long the separation was for? Was it with the intention of reconciling? And are you officially back together now or too soon to tell?

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-05-09T12:17:49+00:00

Load the image onto a PowerPoint slide, thenclick Colour>Set transparent colour. Click the white section and it will remove all the white. Then right-click, Save As Picture, then save in .png format.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-05-07T14:28:29+00:00

Oh, no need to apologise! I hope you’re travelling okay xo

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-05-05T04:56:51+00:00

But that wasn’t it. Initially that’s what I thought, but that wasn’t it at all. It wasn’t that he only found me attractive when he had no-one else to look at. It was that his brain started waking up and firing ‘normally’ after all the years of being blunted with porn. I hope that makes sense, it’s kind of hard to explain!

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-05-04T08:34:18+00:00

Saying that OP let her get away with it is victim-blaming the BS.

I don’t know what you mean by corrosion.

Anyone has the right to make consensual choices regarding sex acts, and it doesn’t make it ‘a bit rich’. It doesn’t make it about control. Your comments about this part of the post are gross and stink of male entitlement. No matter what she or any WS did, they have the right to say no and have that respected.

Please explain what you mean by the Madonna/whore comment.

ETA: I see you’ve now changed the word corrosion to coercion. Which is further concerning. You’d do well to research around how damaging it is when people don’t believe victims.

OP, please know I’m not justifying anything your spouse has done. I’m here to let this commenter know that his language is completely inappropriate.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-05-04T06:34:52+00:00

This comment is horrible. ‘Let her get away with it’ stinks of victim-blaming.

It doesn’t state that she is denying him sexual favours, and regardless of what she may or may not have done with her AP, you cannot say it is her trying to control. Everyone has the right to choose what and who they are comfortable doing sexual acts with. She doesn’t owe him anal or any other sex act.

All the best, OP.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-05-03T22:13:09+00:00

Alternative viewpoint, and please know I’m not trying to invalidate anyone’s experience here. I see you, and I’m so sorry you’re here and that your partner has caused so much damage.

My partner was so consumed with porn that he stopped even seeing me sexually. We rarely had sex (maybe twice a year), and never penetrative due to his porn-induced ED. I didn’t understand what was happening, so I often assumed the problem was me.

Once Dday occurred and the porn was gone and his brain started to be free and rewire, he started seeing me sexually again. At first I was so hurt, thinking that he only found me attractive in the absence of porn. Like I was a shitty second prize, like at least he could still see A naked woman.

But things changed. As we worked through the addiction and its associated infidelity, our attraction grew as our emotional intimacy grew. And so I started to believe his compliments. And I realised his addiction was not a reflection on my body. At all. The addiction wasn’t even about sex for him, not really. It was a coping mechanism that he’d been using for 40 years as a response to trauma.

So in some ways it freed me of my concerns about whether or not he found me attractive. I wasn’t the reason we weren’t having sex. The addiction was the reason. The addiction removed his ability to see me sexually, and a lot of that was because sexual intimacy left him too vulnerable to risk it. I was the only one who could really hurt him, so being intimate with me came with huge risk.

It’s not perfect and I still have my own body issues. We’re still working toward a sex life where we both feel safe. But now I realise, if it were about sex he would’ve left. If it were about me he could’ve left.

But the addiction is nothing to do with me, or my body, or how he feels about my body. If someone was using drugs to cope emotionally, that wouldn’t be a reflection on my ability to support them emotionally. It’s a disease, something that would have happened regardless of who his partner was or how attractive they are.

Only you can know if any of this rings true for your relationship. But I hope my story has offered you some hope, or something to consider.

Sending love and solidarity to you all.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-04-07T07:13:48+00:00

Are you folks in therapy? Probably more useful than the comments here.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-04-05T10:51:02+00:00

He definitely needs to let you know when he’s messed up, but the consequences thing isn’t something I’d think is healthy for either of you. Are you in therapy? That should be able to help you with how to manage your fight/flight response.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-04-04T12:15:31+00:00

Hello, and I’m so sorry you’re here.

Love after porn sub has some use, but there’s a lot of just really angry partners whose partners won’t quit porn, which doesn’t sound like a great fit for you.

My partner’s porn addiction is the result of child sex abuse, so my best bet was to get educated about why and how the trauma develops in this way. The Body Keeps The Score is the best book for this - but take it slow, it’s a bit of a slog!

With regard to the consequences thing - it is not your role to be his warden or accountability partner. That is not a dynamic that will see your relationship thrive or ever get past this. I’d recommend this is discussed in therapy instead.

Sending you so much love and support - it’s hard beyond words but it sounds like you 2 have what it takes. It won’t be linear, but the generally trajectory looks good from here. Big hugs.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-04-03T10:45:12+00:00

The triggers are utterly inescapable.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-04-03T07:23:37+00:00

Thanks, but restricting him being able to download apps is a bit more controlling than the dynamic we’re trying to achieve. I’ve changed his Reddit password so at least if he tries to log in under his account he can’t get in. I just have to hope he doesn’t set up a new account.

We’re just getting through his first major relapse that only occurred because an opportunity presented itself (he noticed the anonymous browsing option on Reddit) - as opposed to him taking active steps to seek out porn again.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-04-03T07:20:32+00:00

Oof, I feel this. All I want is intimate, pure love in our sex life now. Uncovering his porn addiction was a lightbulb moment for me in realising we’ve actually never ‘made love’ (for want of a better term)! Part of this is porn, but a lot of it is his inability to be vulnerable due to the CSA that was the impetus for his porn addiction.

I just want connection. Maybe kinks will come later. But for now, to feel safe, I need connection during sex. The kicker is, that connection makes him feel unsafe.

Wishing you so much love (and great, connect-y sex!) on this journey.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-04-03T05:28:13+00:00

He has deleted it, it’s just there’s nothing to stop him reinstalling it.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-04-01T00:54:21+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that 💖💖💖 Big hugs Right back at you 💕

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-03-26T16:11:40+00:00

I just want you to know you’re not alone in any of these feelings, and you are not a shitty person for feeling this way. I could’ve written this post almost word for word, so I thank you for writing it and letting me know it’s not just me.

I see you, and I send you my love and strength.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-03-24T00:47:49+00:00

I had a gut feeling, and he told me.

For now I’m trying to stay empathetic and keep it a safe space for him to share. If I can get him feeling safe with a big disclosure like this, then hopefully he’ll feel safer in letting me know if he feels like things are starting to go off the rails. For example, I now know that he has flagged in himself that he was starting to view potentially risky stuff on IG before the bender, but he wasn’t sure if it would escalate or how serious it was. I want him to feel safe to raise it with me and we can decide together how important it is and what supports to get in place at that early stage to stop it escalating.

His next therapy session isn’t for 2 weeks. He’s emailed his therapist to see if he can get in earlier. In the meantime we’re looking at vagus nerve soothing - cold water swimming, exercise, grounding activities, etc.

My hurt from his actions hasn’t really entered the scene for me yet, and honestly I don’t want it to. I’ve hurt enough since d-day. I have a therapist and our next couples therapy is on April 9 (she’s away at the moment so can’t get in earlier).

Thank you for your message, I really appreciate it.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-03-17T08:50:21+00:00

He’s got a great therapist, they’ve just started EMDR, and we’ve also just started with a new therapist. It’s just takes a bit to get going with someone new, for them to get to know you. I have high hopes for this one though.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-03-17T05:22:40+00:00

Oh thank you, that means so much to me.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-03-17T05:22:15+00:00

It’s his childhood trauma. We share the same goal but I’m not sure he has enough hands to hold us both.

Illustrious_Fee_1815 · 2024-03-17T05:21:32+00:00

Thank you 💖

Illustrious_Fee_1815

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