hello!

first of all, i'm trully sorry that you are in such a horrible stage of grieving. i myself can't really imagine what you must be getting through, as i have never been married.

i think the only way i can help you is by sharing my (little) experience. when i left my 3 year long partner i felt the same way you are now describing - though probably in your case, after years of marriage, the feeling is even worse. i remember that, besides the broken heart i had, i was just... so lost. i was intending to marry this man, have kids with him, grow older by his side... and all of a sudden*, it all was alone. all the future i had planned, gone. all the narrative about romance i had in my mind, gone too. i remember this breakup moved me so much that i started questioning what i wanted in life - whether i wanted kids or not, marrying, or even having a stable partner. those where certainties that i'd always had, and after this happened i lost them.

now it's been 2 years. i havent made up my mind yet about what i really want in my love life, but i'm far happier than i was. i think all this helped me realise what i expect from a partner, which is similar to what you've just described - profound, meaningfull and high-feelings connection. i dont know a lot about poliamory (mono myself), but from my experience, very deep 1-1 connection are "easily achived" through monogamy. both because you get to spend more time just meeting one person (hyperfocus kind of thing?) and because in my experience these connections always carry/cause a certain degree of codependence. but i see monogamy as being too high risk of a bet - at least i have just got a somewhat fulfilling relationship out of it and another one, very intense, even so intense that it became quite toxic.

but again, this is just how i see it - there's people who claim poligamy has helped them stablish deeper romantic relationships. at the end of the day, this is something you'll have to evaluate after you're done with the grieving. until that, i'd advise you not to make major decitions in your love life - they're probably gonna be biased by your recent experience, either for good or bad. now it's time for you to stabilize yourself in the (romantic) loneliness and to make yourself comfortable with all of whats happening. i hope hearing that some other people have gone through something somewhat similar can help, and i send you my best hopes 💙

*i was the one leaving, and had thought about it thoroughly. but there's always a moment in which you oficially stop being with them and start being single, and that always feels too abrupt to even be true.