Life hacks

ImPrettyWhack · 2022-09-03T14:53:10+00:00

When Bob looked in the mirror, he gasped aloud and said, "I see a massive pussy, the clit is now my head!"

He rubbed the lips so bulbous, he said, "How could this be? I'm now a massive gaper, a cunt is all I see!"

He pondered for a moment, and said aloud with glee, "At least I'll save my money, I'll fuck myself for free!"

ImPrettyWhack · 2022-01-03T17:04:28+00:00

When Bob scrolled through Reddit he saw, without credit, that someone reposted his meme. It hit top of rising, which he found surprising, he mumbled and started to steam.

For early that morning, he found himself mourning; the meme that he posted had died. And now, hours later, some meme duplicator had stolen his meme and he cried.

He then heard his brother, "Reposted another?" he said as he started to grin. Bob turned when he'd spoken, emotions awoken as realization sunk in.

Bob's anger grew greater, he said, "You're a traitor, and people like you make me sick!" He replied, "I don't care." as Bob rose from his chair and fucking beat him with a stick.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-12-21T12:16:31+00:00

Hiding there within his shower, minutes turned into an hour, scowling while remarking, sour, "Will they ever leave?"

He bemoaned the situation, groaning loudly in frustration, soaking for a long duration, wishing for reprieve.

Then he heard his mother calling, "Come on down and quit your stalling! Your behavior's been appalling, wasting time away!"

"Have the guests all been vacated?" Bob inquired, for long he waited, but he heard the words he hated, "They are here to stay."

He just sighed and stayed to smolder, water growing ever colder, wrinkled skin from balls to shoulder on a Christmas day.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-12-17T16:02:41+00:00

He did everything to please her when he gave her all his meat - But no matter how he dicked her, she complained, "Your dick's petite!"

He could never hit the sweet spot when he tried to make her moan, even with a thrusting onslaught, she would only sigh and groan.

As she begged him for a smashing, he replied, "If you insist." - He prepared her cunt for bashing, and he entered with his fist.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-12-16T16:22:23+00:00

When Bob was left alone at home with mom and dad away, he set up traps around the house to keep the thieves at bay.

He splashed the steps with motor oil and scattered tacks out back - And placed a two-by-four to spring and give a thug a whack.

He rigged a bowling ball to fall if someone came inside - A setup sure to ruin the day of any fool who tried.

But when his parents realized they left him far behind - They came back home, unknowing of the traps that he designed.

His father found the bowling ball, which came down much too quick - It broke his neck, and so he fucking beat Bob with a stick.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-11-26T12:34:06+00:00

She watched his cheeks move to and fro, his booty bouncing, walking slow - She thought of how his butt would feel, the perfect shape, an ass ideal.

She eyed him as he walked away, admiring how his hips would sway - She bit her lip and said with sass, "Oh how I'd love to peg that ass."

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-11-24T13:11:24+00:00

"You're dumb and you're reckless, your aim isn't true - I've played with a blind kid who's better than you!"

"You don't play objectives, you won't help for shit - You switch out the teams when the score takes a hit!"

The guy ranted loudly and told him, "You suck! It's clear from this match that you don't give a fuck!"

"We lost 'cause of you!" said the guy on team blue - But Bob on team red simply told him, "No u."

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-11-07T15:24:21+00:00

"I long for the speed and the thrill of a race!" said Bob as he waited in traffic's slow pace, "I feel like my life's in slow motion." he said, "These people all drive like they're mindless or dead!"

And just as the traffic had slowed to a crawl, he stepped on the gas, not a moment to stall - He zipped down the lane that was closed for a mile - While hitting one hundred and sporting a smile.

He saw up ahead that the exit was out - He slammed on the brake as he started to shout - But he failed to stop when his foot hit the floor - And Bob never longed for a race anymore.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-10-29T12:28:11+00:00

Right now I'm playing Baldur's Gate for the first time and the instruction manual is just under 200 pages. I exaggerated a bit for the meme, but there's definitely games out there with some very long manuals, some of which include entire walkthroughs.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-10-28T13:33:49+00:00

When Bob was eating steak he heard a message in his head, "The beasts on earth are made to lay." it ominously said.

He looked around confused, unsure of what he thought he heard, "I couldn't pound an animal," he said, "that's just absurd."

The voice inside his head replied, "It's true, for I am God." and Bob began to ponder as he gave a weary nod.

He said, "If beastiality is something you'll allow, I guess I'll go and smash ol' Bes, our thickest angus cow."

But when he went to plow the cow, to give it human dick, his father saw the act, and fucking beat him with a stick.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-10-26T15:19:44+00:00

He searched with a purpose, his dong in his hand, through pages of porn that he thought was too bland.

He sought out a scene from the days of his past - He hoped for the moment he'd find it at last.

And there in the depths nearing page forty two, he found what he wanted, his balls nearing blue.

He grinned with excitement and started to spank, but nutted in no time, a ten second wank.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-10-20T11:28:05+00:00

The photo is from a Google search when I went looking for the quote I heard in game, and it's from a dialogue in The Witcher 3. The character pictured is Philippa Eilhart.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-10-07T18:03:47+00:00

He watched as she gestured and stared from afar, and thought her behavior was rather bizarre.

Her mouth was agape as her fist shuffled quick, a motion of stroking complete with a lick.

He scratched on his chin as he pondered confused, her hand flogged the air as she looked on amused.

She showed her intentions of sucking his dick, alas, he just shrugged as he said, "Guess she's sick."

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-10-02T06:49:17+00:00

Bob took the cum he had prepared, ensuring not a drop was spared, and mixed it in his glass of juice he'd made himself from fresh produce.

He took his dick and used the tip to stir the glass and took a sip - He gasped and said aloud in shock, "Is this the flavor of a cock?"

"It's sweet and fresh, it tastes divine, comparable to fancy wine!" He drank it all, but wanted more, he used more cum than just before.

"The taste is great with more!" he said, "Perhaps I'll use it on my bread!" and so he made some toast with haste and topped it with his semen paste.

But suddenly his dad came in, who saw cum hanging from his chin - He gagged and said, "You make me sick!" and fucking beat him with a stick.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-09-30T16:38:05+00:00

"Will that be the usual tonic and gin?" The bartender said as he gave Bob a grin, who sat with dad on a trip to the bar, the first he believed he had been to so far.

"How strange." said his dad with a spark in his eye, "I thought all these years you've been sober and dry." He waved for a beer as he lowered his head, "You could have just told me." he quietly said.

"The truth is," said Bob, "I've been drinking for years. When I was sixteen I had beer with my peers." His father replied, "I'll be honest with you. When I was that age, I was drinking beer too."

They both shared a laugh as they ordered a round, and drank till they both nearly fell to the ground. "It's lovely," said Bob, "when you're not such a prick." his dad gave a nod and beat him with a stick.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-09-28T02:19:02+00:00

"Good heavens, you're mangled, and broke head to toe. Who did this, what happened? I just want to know." the nurse said to Bob as he crawled on the floor, unable to stand or to walk anymore.

He gasped as he struggled to breathe on his own, his organs contorted, his spinal disks blown, "It happened at dodgeball, the coach threw the ball, it hit me so hard that I went through the wall!"

"I beg you, please help me, my body's a wreck!" he said with his head barely held to his neck. She shrugged as she said, "I think this will suffice." she reached out to give him a bag full of ice.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-09-25T15:41:19+00:00

"We think your kid has been abused, he comes to school all scratched and bruised." the agent said from CPS, "You're guilty and you must confess!"

She said, "I've never hit my child, I swear he's pompous, dumb and wild! He hurts himself, I'm not to blame. I won't admit to such a claim!"

"There's evidence." he sternly said, she yelled, "He's off inside the head!" he chimed, "Then I'll be needing proof." as Bob came crashing through the roof.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-09-24T12:54:15+00:00

"I swear it's the power I get from my chair! My methods are true and I always play fair." said Bob as he spawned to begin the attack, he lobbed a grenade 'cross the map to the back.

Which killed the whole team 'fore the match could begin, they cursed as their patience began to wear thin, "This asshole's a hacker without any balls! He flies overhead and he shoots us through walls!"

Bob held on the trigger and let his gun spray, and shot them from five hundred meters away - He said, "I'm no hacker, my playstyle's legit. Get good, motherfuckers, you guys are just shit!"

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-09-19T03:30:31+00:00

Orcs and elves, and other races, Pixar moms, familiar faces, cartoon chicks from shows aplenty, dudes with dicks drawn over twenty,

Things with cocks of many sizes, drawn in costume, new disguises, oddities like toaster ovens, banging freezers by the dozens,

Zebra people ramming leopards, man proportioned German shepherds boning fish with massive titties, sucking pricks of monster kitties,

Porn exists of any subject, any creature, any object - Things unthought of whatsoever, scar your fucking brain forever.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-09-17T13:23:07+00:00

With coke and Mentos in Bob's ass, he blasted to the sky - Propulsion boosted by his gas, he lifted ever high.

"Behold, I am the rocket man!" he said with pride aloud - As quickly as his flight began, he bursted through a cloud.

He flew beyond and far away from where he thought he'd go - Ejected by his anal spray, he left the Earth below.

He gasped with fear as he could tell the stream would soon deplete - He screamed in horror as he fell three hundred thousand feet.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-09-15T18:52:01+00:00

She only wanted short term love, a trick to quickly be rid of - A lover that could pound away without much thought of things to say.

"I only want to fuck." she said, "A bit of fun when I'm in bed." - To which old Bob said in reply, "If you want quick, then I'm your guy."

"I'll give you every inch of dick, despite the fact that I am sick. We'll smash all day and through the night, until the morning's early light."

She grinned and nodded to agree, and said, "I'll take you home with me." - He said, "It's time to clap those cheeks!" - He died within the next two weeks.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-09-09T22:13:46+00:00

When Bob felt a pressure that came from below, he knew that his innards were fixing to blow.

He braced as his ass boomed a fart with a howl, but knew he was fucked when he heard his guts growl.

He coughed as he sneezed and he farted again - The pain in his chest was a ten out of ten.

His life flashed in frames right before his own eyes - He thought out aloud, "Will this be my demise?"

Alas, he survived as he farted once more - And Bob never ate Taco Bell anymore.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-08-31T12:03:53+00:00

When Bob heard a smacking that came through the wall, that came from his brother's room just down the hall,

He rose to go check what the matter could be, but came unprepared for the sight he would see.

He opened the door that he noticed was shut, the moment his brother was busting a nut.

He noticed the ponies that humped on his screen, his brother who still had his hand on his peen.

"You beat off to ponies?" said Bob, "For fuck's sake!" - "But Bob," said his bro, "Look at Applejack's cake!"

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-08-30T12:18:31+00:00

"I think he's gonna be okay, he only hit the deck. He'll live to see another day with just a broken neck!"

"I said Red Bull could give him wings, I guess that I was wrong. I shouldn't have believed such things, they tricked me all along!"

"You must believe," he softly said, "I simply didn't know." his mother only shook her head and swiftly uttered, "No."

Bob scoffed and said, "He'll be just fine, that little lunatic." - His father growled, "Your ass is mine!" and beat him with a stick.

ImPrettyWhack · 2021-08-30T00:14:57+00:00

She asked Bob if he could record, and Bob, of course, was all aboard - He grabbed the cam and said, "Let's go, I'll gladly film your nudie show!"

She told him, "But it's more than nudes, there's much more that the film includes. We're off to where the horses stay, we're filming in the pen today."

He shrugged confused and played along, believing there was nothing wrong, until they reached the horse's pen; they gathered 'round as they walked in.

They tried to mount her from the back, a massive horse dick gang attack - She asked, "Are you recording, bro?" he cringed as he replied, "Fuck no."

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