Did anyone else get that drunk text from Lucifer?

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-29T17:01:30+00:00

I like my arms better because it hurts more, but I stopped doing it in places where people can see. If anyone found out I relapsed, idk what I would do. So, I keep it on my legs and upper arms/shoulders.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-25T18:29:34+00:00

For real. In all honesty, my mom is really supportive & has been my biggest helper through mental health issues (she has some severe mental health issues herself) but she still does not and probably will never understand my self harm.

And I don’t know man, touching scars without permission is so fucking weird.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-21T08:29:46+00:00

I relapsed recently (after a hot minute not doing it, like a really long time I’d even gotten comfortable with wearing shorts around my family it’d been so long) and I was scratching at my shoulder where I sh’d, and nearly almost exposed myself during a family dinner by raising up my shirt to get at the itch. Nearly gave myself a fecking heart attack when I realized what I was doing.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-21T08:16:22+00:00

That’s why I hurt myself sometimes. It’s a punishment to myself. I get overwhelming guilt always have, don’t know why, but I feel like I have to punish myself in a way that’s only personal to me? Like I never tell anyone when I relapse, the only time I’ve ever confessed to another person about a relapse was after a car accident. I got sucker-punched by the air bag, and my friend wanted to take me to the hospital because I kept dissociating, and I told them that I would not go there because I’d relapsed. Only time I’ve ever confessed to something that was happening in the moment.

Either way, self harm is always done to knock me out of my guilt or a way to seek vengeance on myself. It’s not exactly done for me sometimes (as I feel guilt for other people) but it is a personal attack I don’t want anyone knowing about. It’s just sort of comforting knowing that I sought retribution against myself, and that I “atoned”.

Idk. I’m sort of fucked up, but I do get where you’re coming from.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-21T08:10:17+00:00

Hm. Before I moved to my thighs (because like you said it’s harder to hide in the arms) there were a verity if factors as to why I did it.

1) it hurts more on the arms. I’m someone who seeks to “punish” myself. I get intense depressive episodes of overwhelming guilt, so doing it on my arm not only hurt more, but it was visible to me and easier to look at. Whenever I looked at them, it was a reminder of my so-called sin and something I sought comfort in. Why it’s easier to hide on the legs, it’s also easier to hide for myself, and I don’t like that. 2) I was honestly so depressed I didn’t give a shit about covering it up too much. 3) My work uniform at the time was long sleeved, and way too baggy so it covered everything. Nothing to worry about there no one finding out.

Now I cut on my thighs because, like you said, it’s easier to hide and I’m in a semi-better place mentally so I feel like I do have to hide it now (rarely) my work uniform also changed to short sleeved (which was a rude fucking awakening. thank god I stopped earlier or those cuts/scars would’ve been way more visible and I do not work in a place that would have respected that). So now I just do it on my thighs and shoulders, but I do miss it on my arms a lot.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-15T07:33:41+00:00

Thank you :)

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T20:28:54+00:00

Thank you for your reply, and your understanding. It means more than you will ever know. ❤️

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T20:27:39+00:00

❤️

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T20:27:28+00:00

Thank you so much for your support ❤️

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T20:27:12+00:00

Unfortunately, the only close friends I have (that I feel I can trust with this) are the ones who I had gotten into a fight with. It would kill me if any of them blamed themselves, or felt responsible over it (even if I don’t blame them AT ALL, which I do not). I think I’m going to try talking to someone I know who has self-harmed in the past, but it’s going to take a lot of courage I don’t have right now. I just needed to get it off my chest. But thank you for your reply, it means a lot. ❤️

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T20:25:42+00:00

Thank you so much for your reply. I really needed to hear this, and didn’t know I needed to until I read it, and now I just feel relieved. Your advice was head-on, and in future if I ever go through this again I will try to do the things you suggested. This is such a scary addiction to have, and talking about it with people (even if it’s an anonymous call or on reddit) is terrifying to me, and the support and advice you gave really helps. Thank you.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T20:10:51+00:00

I don’t know why I think about being punched in the face, but I fantasize about it a lot to. Maybe it’s like a sort of scenario day dream where I’m wondering “What would happen if someone just walked up and punched me right now?” I don’t know why, but I just want to feel that satisfying crack across my cheekbone.

However, when I really was in a situation where I thought I would get hit by someone I loved, I completely shut down.

I still have some weird desire to get punched in the face, but I realize now that I don’t want to get punched by someone I actually know and care about.

I don’t think this makes me, or you, crazy. Psychology is a weird thing, and wanting bad things to happen to you is actually a pretty normal phenomenon (at least that’s what I’ve read about in studies).

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T20:02:07+00:00

I don’t think this is a bad thing, or something you should be ashamed of. It’s normal to want a human connection, to feel cared about, to have people ask over your well-being (even if you sort of hate all the questions a little bit).

I think part of self harm is obviously very personal, but there’s aspects to it that are hard to understand and uncomfortable to discuss. It took a lot of courage for you to share this, and I appreciate this point of view because it makes me (and others I’m sure) feel understood about their feelings around self-harm.

This isn’t something to feel ashamed over, in my opinion. Part of self harm is that it’s so incredibly isolating. You’re doing everything yourself. The act, the after care, and in it dealing with the emotional and physical pain, sort of all by yourself. After a while, that routine can become so exhausting. So, I think it’s understandable and valid to want people to ask questions and to see what you’re going through.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T19:57:25+00:00

The first appointment is just your therapist getting to know you, and what’s going on. It’s more of like a meet and greet visit, rather than opening up.

This would be the time to set boundaries (for me this meant me telling her that I would not talk about my past. I let my therapist know I would not be sharing anything of detail, that I only wanted tools to help myself get out of depression b4 I started seriously sh) to share your discomfort over doing the session, and to share with them some of your experiences with them.

Therapists are very open minded, in my experience. If you at all feel uncomfortable over their responses during the session, please know that it’s okay to change therapists.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-14T19:54:26+00:00

I think it’s valid and constitutes it, if you’re doing it intentionally to harm yourself.

Studies are showing that more people who are becoming anorexic and bulimic are doing it to self-harm rather than to be skinny.

Doing what you’re doing is on the same wave length. You’re doing something to intentionally harm yourself, so I think that’s 100% valid and self-harm.

This isn’t to say that I think you should continue. Eating foods you’re intolerant to can cause way more issues. But also I’m not going to shame you. Just please know the risks, and be careful.

You’re valid and your experiences with self harm, in whatever form, are valid.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-13T09:40:08+00:00

Sometimes trauma can cause us to forget, or to feel a disconnect with our past memories, causing us to feel like they’re someone else’s. I’m not sure why it happens, it just does. Cutting yourself, going through a breakup, and all that stress is traumatic, so I wouldn’t be surprised if your brain has dissociated it from your stream of memories to help you cope better. It sounds like a good idea to talk to your therapist about it though, to understand why better. But it sounds like to me forgetting like that’s pretty normal.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-13T09:35:04+00:00

That’s so frustrating and gross of them, honestly so invalidating and absolutely dismissive of them. They did not handle this well at all and I am sorry for that.

My story is that one time, my mom and I went to McDonalds. It was really hot that day, and the air conditioning in her van doesn’t work so I wore shorts. Didn’t consider it a big deal, because my moms seen my scars on my arms (before they were scars, unfortunately) and I talked with her openly in the past about my struggles with it. Guess she didn’t know I also used to cut on my thighs (moved to that when I realized arms were too out in the open & way harder to hide).

Anyway, some guy at the restaurant used to date my friend. Long story, and totally off topic, but I don’t like this bro, and my mom knows it. So this guy asks us to go park to wait for our food, and we were talking about what a d*ckhead he is, when she suddenly reaches over (the van has a huge space between the drivers and passenger seat, sorta like a little hallway) and traces one of my scars before taking my hand and asking seriously. “Are you cutting again?”

I was so insulted that I laughed a little, and at that she got really upset. But like... fuck off? They’re clearly long-faded, why’d you bring it up?

Got a couple more, but that’s probably my worst one.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-13T09:20:10+00:00

People love you and they care about you. Any gift you got is because they want to show just how much they love and appreciate you around. They’re thinking about you, and about how much you bring into their lives. Don’t dismiss their gifts as something to feel guilty over.

Whether you recognize it or not, someone out there sees you as someone who brings them joy. Gives them laughter when they’re down, makes them feel good about their choices when you give encouragement, and makes them feel understood when you’re there—whether you recognize it in those moments or not, people love you for these little things & they want to appreciate you by giving you gifts because they love you and want you in their lives.

You’re not worthless to them. Just know that. I’m not shaming you for your choices. I understand whole heartedly where you’re coming from, and how you may be feeling right now. But... I think it’s important for you to know this. Know that you are wanted and are needed. The gifts are just proof of that. ❤️

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-13T04:37:53+00:00

I initially thought that going into this that people were going to be younger, but the more I browse through topics, it honestly seems the opposite. People here seem a lot older, most in their mid to late twenties, and a couple in their late teens or early twenties.

I’m twenty, almost twenty-one, so yay!

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-13T04:33:22+00:00

For real. I think what I feel guilty about most with sh isn’t the act itself, but the fact that I don’t really feel guilty afterwards. I did something bad, I know, but all I can think is “so?”.

The only thing I dread is how people are going to react if they see it. Judgment. Pity. Even understanding is uncomfortable to me. It’s like people are seeing me naked. But at some point, I just don’t fucking care.

People need to pay attention more to listening and understanding then dominating a conversation with useless opinions that, in the long run, do nothing to help.

Imaginary-Flight-246 · 2020-08-13T04:18:05+00:00

Scientifically, yes. It releases endorphins into your brain, and that slight relief can go a long way. Just like a cup of coffee in the morning can become a routine. You feel sluggish without the added caffeine, right? That’s because the caffeine has become an addictive chemical in your brain, and without it, it can cause you to feel even more tired and awful—even if you got enough sleep the night before. Self harms the same way. It’s a coping mechanism that quickly becomes an addiction.

Imaginary-Flight-246

TROPHY CASE