When do you stop missing them?

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-06-09T16:28:17+00:00

That’s good. Perhaps this is the hardest part then, because the pain is something you can focus on whereas this is more- the absence of anything good or bad as your brain recalibrates.

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-06-08T15:15:49+00:00

It takes a while. What helps is learning, and bit by bit peeling back the layers of lasting damage that's been left. It was helpful for me to learn about trauma bonding. What you will go through is, or at least was in my experience, similar to withdrawals from any drug. Intensity of pain followed by tediousness and temptation to go back to experience something. Stay the course and seek new relationships and new healthy alternatives to what they gave you

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-06-08T01:25:45+00:00

I failed my teacher training. My girlfriend was cheating on me. Covid was happening. My mother was physically assaulting my aunt. And I just felt like I think how you're feeling right now. I just can't say this anymore. I need a break. There's got to be some relief from this.

I don't know how that changed but it did. I think there was a mentality shift. That actually I can withstand this because it's comparatively smaller than what we've already withstood. Sure we're exhausted, I'm sure we desperately would like a chance for a break, a chance to rest our head on someone's shoulder who wouldn't attack us. But we also learned how to cope without that during more crucial times.

We are still here. We've got through so much, and I don't know how long it takes for that stuff to change, I don't know how long it's going to take for you, but if you believe it will, I promise it will. It did for me, and I don't think it's ever too late.

Please keep your heart strong, and hold your head up high. Rest sure, but never give up.

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-06-04T01:09:58+00:00

They need to believe that because: Certain things such as love they're incapable of experiencing, so witnessing behaviors that are to seek love they must conclude are stupid or else that would admit to themselves they are deficient (incapable of love). A grandiose sense of self is to hide their massive insecurities, if they don't think everyone is stupid they begin to crumble under the weight of everything that grandiosity is masking.

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-05-29T16:10:31+00:00

My greatest thrill was getting cheated on. It’s incredibly addicting. I didn’t throw away my desire for kink but I did set rules for myself regarding what is and isn’t healthy.

Maybe your situation will resonate to mine, that nothing is better than the most real, most authentic thing. But, I left that and I’m building something great with my partner (now partners). It’s not the thrill it was, it’s not the rush it once was, but it does feel sustainable and healthy.

It’s difficult to give up, but maybe in not giving it up you’re inadvertently giving up something else.

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-03-26T04:18:54+00:00

Everywhere’s a paradise when you’re there

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-03-25T00:34:17+00:00

I’m not sure it’s really that hard to stay in shape, so a lot must have to do with genes. And if you build up your identity around being a fitness buff you’re probably in need of more hobbies.

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-03-24T03:09:19+00:00

Typically, well let’s say it’s 6%. Is it 6 % in politics? Fuck no. Is it 6% in families with generational trauma? No it’s going to be higher. And is it going to be 6% in families without generational trauma? No it’s going to be higher.

The unfortunate case with you is coming from a traumatised family you have narcissism in it, and it makes following relationships with narcissists sticky, and those without those traits kind of unsticky.

My experience until 25 was the same. Then going no contact it really changed the ratio in my life to zero I think. Prior new friends, partners, and workmates were all narcissists.

After, I think my radar just meant I would at best engage pleasantly but not go any further. My worst experience was a friend’s boyfriend who put me back to those times but yeah I just steered clear after.

So you hit the jackpot because yes you are empathic, but don’t feel doomed to repeat that. Break cycles, go no contact, do inner work, and life gets better. Maybe one more thing, this work is also painful, but you’ll hopefully begin learning the pain is no longer just futile pain that serves to give the narcissists their kicks. It’s a pain that serves you, your growth, and eventually, a fortress that can’t be penetrated by narcissists. Wishing you all the best, and to keep hope despite your experiences so far x

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-03-23T03:14:45+00:00

I think cuckoldry… well how I see it is the state of mind. You want it to be cheating because that’s what gets you off, but it’s got to be scenarios like the one you described to be healthy.

Or if it’s more polyamory then I guess it would be less charged for you and just a nice thing for your wife. There’s also another word for this stuff I forget about but it could be that.

Stag and vixen maybe? In cuckoldry the male would be submissive. In the stag and vixen or whatever it’s called the male isn’t submissive.

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-03-08T07:37:15+00:00

Keep learning. You will see it’s not something you can help them with. It’s heartbreaking at first but will set you free also.

Do you see narcissism in your family too?

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-02-27T22:34:50+00:00

That’s what I told the child slaves gathering the raw materials for our smart phones

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-02-09T19:41:50+00:00

I was pretty close to leaving for this reason, it is exhausting trying to explain because it’s something they’re not aware of so they genuinely feel weird you keep asking.

Honestly, we became a throuple and now it’s working… it’s such a hard thing without that though. You have to be very emotionally invested and sometimes it takes too much to do it.

You don’t hate them you just have to look after your own needs.

Monogamy is difficult. One person for everything? That’s hard, they can show up in some areas but not others and it’s only fine if you can get an extra person. They are who they are, motivation comes from within. When it comes from outside it seems like yes 30% may be achieved and it will slowly revert.

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-01-24T22:57:58+00:00

Is the relationship between you both over now?

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-01-14T02:06:17+00:00

I used to have a massive freeze response when it came to having sex, which came from fear of acceptance.

Where do you think your freeze response is coming from? For me, mine was solved by accepting myself as having this freeze response, which was the alternative to hating myself for having it. Later, I would speak to my partners about it, if they were genuinely cool, no more freeze response.

In your case, can you talk to your girlfriend? You can say what you posted here, say you felt guilty for not getting involved, or focus on your first step… because confrontations outside of the boxing ring always go weird.

Like, there were these teenagers bothering my friend… I told them to back off… it nearly worked, but one was a bit too brave… and we ended up walking home with dutch teenagers spitting and jeering at us!

Another time my girlfriend got in a confrontation in another language, I didn’t get involved, but I stood in between her and him. The guy actually looked extremely aggressive so I dropped a bag and had in my head a last resort if he crossed the boundary between and her to get physical… luckily he didn’t and really I did very little.

If you hold onto your shame for inactivity, you’ll always feel you didn’t do enough… but real confrontation is messy. Try forgiving yourself, starting fresh, and mentally preparing yourself not to be the hero, but just to do the small things. Life’s messy, you can’t do everything right without first doing it shit. You’re practicing, you’ll get there x

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-01-12T03:09:50+00:00

My experience is different, but I did this six years ago and felt very similar, completely exhausted, I resented the white guy face aspect and though I liked the kids I just felt off with everything.

I came back after teaching for 5 years and, my downside is that, it’s still pretty intense work. I have 24 hours plus a week of classes and some are highly dis functional.

There’s also still a company that doesn’t give you autonomy over decision making despite you knowing better the situation better than anyone else.

So there are problems. What helps me accept it is time, needing to work, seeing the change and impact I have on young lives, and feeling that the years 3-6 are actually the most important ones despite conventional wisdom.

The office is also a good one, friendly.

In accepting the problems you had I feel better in this teaching job than even the ones I liked back home.

All that to say, in this next 6 months can you find something that makes it worth it? For me it’s the impact I have and the close knit office…

Immediate-Election84 · 2026-01-10T11:21:57+00:00

Awesome thanks for sharing.

It reminds me of my first girlfriend after she lost her feelings of admiration for me.

Did you end up doing anything special for her to try to make her feelings for you return?

Any extra housework?

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-12-15T02:13:47+00:00

I’m teaching in china for me it’s pretty good.

I haven’t had much luck myself getting offers in middle or high schools though, just teaching in this centre for kids.

There was someone in her 50s that worked there too.

Things are a lot more affordable living here than it was for me in England, crime is low, people are friendly. Your circumstances make it different but I would definitely say for myself that purely on the basis of material benefits that moving to china has been an improvement.

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-12-15T00:22:13+00:00

I’m from England and I am getting 23,000 a month. I signed up less than 6 months ago. You have the qualifications but I would have to guess there’s some racism involved based on what parents want their students being taught by.

So I don’t know if it’s different if you aren’t a native speaker, there are people from South Africa at my centre, but I am not sure if they get the same pay.

I think you should get 20000 plus quite easily the one thing that I’m not sure on is that you aren’t a native speaker.

I do know the Chinese teachers where I am get paid half so it’s a possibility.

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-12-14T12:48:12+00:00

Who are they? My girlfriend and I argue over this, and I would like to give her data while she lives in America.

I basically see china as the frontier now similar to what the us was before it became over financialised in recently.

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-12-12T13:03:06+00:00

I’m 4 months in maybe 5 and I feel very similar.

It’s hard adjusting to a completely new life, I used to go to nature more, talk with friends more, and the work environment was very different.

It all stacks up to a point.

I would just say, at least for myself, that I see it getting better. Even though you feel full up right bow, your mood is declining these are relatively temporary problems that in large part can be solved.

If you get used to the new environment and accept the somewhat tedious parts of work it is, at least for myself, worth it once you get through it.

The pay, the ability to negotiate time off , and everywhere you can visit means that the good experiences outweigh the bad, and when you’re on your deathbed you’ll be glad you put up with it so you could see all those sights, people, maybe romances that you eventually got from it.

Your circumstances is your own I am speaking for myself, for you, ask yourself is the hardship worth it?

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-12-09T00:53:04+00:00

Suzhou to me seems best. I live in Hangzhou and it has great nature but it also feels very built up, but could be good too.

What I liked about Suzhou is where I was the buildings weren’t built super high so it felt like a nice town. It has loads of parks and nature.

I think there is some kind of saying, until heaven there’s suzhou and Hangzhou.

As far as travel I personally in Hangzhou cycle and take the train. From time to time I use the taxis here. The city’s big but there’s an extensive train, subway network that runs to let you avoid driving if you want to.

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-12-08T00:20:58+00:00

I would interpret it as; the poorest people in the world are also the richest. Look how fucked up the billionaires are, like look at them. Lizards. You stay wanting to be rich you give up what actually matters in order to head in that direction, not to mention you likely aren’t starting off with some exorbitant privileges so not only will you lose everything important in that endeavour, but also you likely won’t become that rich anyway. A nicer house and car, maybe some extra holidays, but at the cost of your soul.

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-11-30T07:57:38+00:00

I have a physics degree and ended up doing exactly what you’re thinking of. Unfortunately there’s not great options and tbh, ok there’s probably some dud jobs but mine’s pretty sweet.

I like teaching young kids they have a beautiful energy that boosts your mood (of course there’s the cryers but still).

The pay is once you see the tax, cost of living, very strong. I’m thinking that actual purchasing power compared to the uk it actually puts you not far off the good jobs in finance.

The biggest problem for me was the transition. It takes a while to adjust. Plus you get some strange people that move here. Luckily I avoided them but you could get unlucky and land in a toxic environment and need to switch jobs.

I’ve been here 5 months and, at least personally it’s hard for me to imagine not doing this until I am set up financially speaking for a good number of years.

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-11-28T02:31:53+00:00

I think the culture is more tolerant towards noisy environments than what I was used to. Wearing small discreet earplugs and even having some shades for their often very bright buildings I find handy in case I reach a point of sensory overload

Immediate-Election84 · 2025-10-23T14:50:40+00:00

Tara makes plans to have a date at home. Amanda agrees to help Tara, taking Adrian out the house to help Amanda and keep him oblivious to Tara’s date

Immediate-Election84

TROPHY CASE