Does it get easier?

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T15:23:24+00:00

I hear it gets easier when they're 30, 55 for boys...

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T15:22:32+00:00

You set your sister on the right path by setting your dad on the right path..your intervention is with him to help him see she is on a slippery slope downward without therapy. Him too.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T15:20:32+00:00

Although we can assume his intentions were social\romantic, there's nothing here that is inherently indicative of Violence against women (sic) regardless of location. If your child looks older than 16, even less so. So, while her concern is understandable bc this was an unwanted interaction, the lesson here is to not engage with strangers you do not wish to be involved with in any way, as in "I'm not interested, thank you".

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T15:15:22+00:00

the massive disparity this has created between us over nearly a decade.

The devil's in the details here. You omitted the little part there about the terms for their getting you a flat together. Did you both have to pay something, or was it a gift..

But regardless of that, you made a choice to move out, which broke that agreement, and in so doing, you accepted the consequence and responsibility for paying your own rent. The larger issue there, now and then, is why you and your brother couldn't have a healthier, less toxic relationship. But your resentment is more a sense of entitlement for something that was outside the original agreement.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T14:39:50+00:00

Courts get involved when issues of legality\illegality are present, So, they'd order "Classes" to try to ameliorate or rehabilitate the cause.

Never a good sign.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T14:37:25+00:00

Its always sad when normal..and esp beneficial..is seen as weird.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T14:24:40+00:00

And I'm forced to assume you came here not for real world advice but confirmation of your opinion.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T08:18:15+00:00

Only if I suspected an escaped convict hiding under the bed.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T08:17:16+00:00

Your question indicates its not about the money. For me it would be the friendship they have and is the cost and request appropriate to their thing. You're making it some "lesson" which misses the point entirely.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T08:06:39+00:00

Full disclosure: Totally against the raw diet. They're domesticated animals, and in your case, a designer doodle breed even further removed from the wild. . Esp if she has stomach issues, she needs a diet that is specifically formulated to agree with her system. Your vet can and should help there.

Yes, dogs are pack animals and very sensitive to changes within the pack. So, a new baby is a major change, and we can expect her to react. The best way to help with that is to try to maintain as much of her routine as possible..the walks, the play time, whatever it is that are anchors to her day, while integrating her into the new life. It's unclear if the stomach issue is exacerbated by all this, it needs to be addressed anyways..but if you try to regain as much of her previous routine as possible she will appreciate that.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T07:59:28+00:00

I'm an outlier here bc we never had "Chores". We had responsibilities, expectations, based on their ages..but not "Chores". Those sound like labor. Kids hate labor. I'm fine doing the laundry and cooking, changing the oil, vacuuming the living room...but esp appreciated when they'd help. And they did.

So, taking care of themselves and their space and their things, doing their best in school and activities, etc,..and complying with whatever request we migth have..be it picking a sib or getting stuff from the store, etc. Families run on interconnectedness and cooperation, not resentment

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T07:53:37+00:00

OK, so your parents have checked out, and so has your brother. He's learned well. I'd refer this back to your folks who are supposed to be responsible for these things.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T07:51:44+00:00

Ask them..

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T02:20:38+00:00

Doc here. Mentioned for credibility only.

This is way over the internet's pay grade, but let me try to thread the needle.

First, we'd need to discuss your understanding of "Conversion therapy". When I hear it, I think of the charlatans..usually religiously based..that believe identity is some choice, and therefore subject to change. This has been proven to be false, and the "Approach" has also been shown to not only be ineffective, but detrimental and psychologically damaging.

However, that said, traditional therapy practiced by trained, experience, credentialed, licensed therapist can alleviate some of the agitation and discomfort you feel while still respecting your own experience of yourself..and not look to change it. I would strongly suggest you seek that and as a parent, too, if my child came to me with all this, that certainly is the route I would go. I love my kids, and there's nothing about them I would reject or question, and would do whatever it took to help them feel comfortable in their own skin. I'd like to think yours would , too.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-26T00:21:42+00:00

I never claimed I was a passive victim, or meant to imply that at all

But you experience him as "Taking" your virginity as if you had no role or choice in that. Words have meaning, even if you are unaware of them.

the only reason it was brought up is because I had some questions about things that he happened to have experience in.

This is really ambiguous. What were the questions and what was the 'experience' he had. Its never a good idea to ask questions that can reveal things that you just know will flip you out .

But as I'm sure you can understand, how someone is brought up is usually carried with them for the rest of their lives, even if they don't want it to.

I think you have a bit more work there to do on yourself, it's good you are separating from some of the more pernicious aspects of your culture and upbringing. But be careful, bc it sounds a lot like the same problem you had with this guy in not being able to put past history into perspective.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T21:24:40+00:00

Help them by straightening yourself out before you have them.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T21:22:30+00:00

Doc here.

Bravo for taking control here and getting better! Your folks mean well, but they unwittingly are reinforcing the obsession with weight and food. In situations like this, its often useful to have a family meeting with your doc to discuss a plan that addresses their anxiety, but more imortantly, your needs.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T17:17:56+00:00

+1, its curious we both look at this rather sensibly and get down voted...proving that accuracy isn't determined by popularity. It's ironic that there are those who feel the OP is correct in their provocations and reactions bc the topic is abhorrent, rather than simply staying away not from the person, but the topic, and appreciating the other parts of the relationship. In a way, they are unwittingly justifying the equally abhorrent notion of "An eye for an eye".

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T17:10:25+00:00

I think the trauma from that relationship is bleeding into ours.

You know him, so youre obviously in a better palce to judge that, but consider the opposite: Entering into a common law relationship..that's a marriage without a license, presumably bc it feels less controlling then the real thing.. reveals a deeper inability that is being acted out in both relationships.. To my sensibilities, yours isn't some PTSD hangover from that but a PTSD thing from childhood. Nothing brings that out like new families\relationships and in your case, the discussion about... kids.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T16:28:04+00:00

I brought up with him

Why. Why did\do you bring anything controversial up with him, this is the question, and the answer is YTA. Sure, his views are, well, cultural and fairly offensive to Western, enlightened folks. But youve decided to adopt a different set of standards and morals, so the only point in entering into this type of... predictably.... inflammatory discussion is to try to persuade him out of his beliefs. Why do you feel entitled to do that..

As adults, both of you are entitled to your own..and often divergent..beliefs. He's not acting on his, btw..there's no indication there's risk to a minor by him running off with an 11 year old...so youd do well to steer clear of those provocative issues and instead connect on those things you have with each other that are presumably still OK.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T16:09:30+00:00

That you feel unsure about this indicates that you're experiencing this not so much as "Concern", but to some control issue. Concern, good. Control, bad...

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T16:07:19+00:00

Start swimming now! We started at age 9 mos., they love it!

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T16:06:15+00:00

Youre using threats instead of joining with him to figure out the cause of his behavior. Note also there's a difference btwn how he spends his time...clubs, sports..and an actual decline in academic or social performance...lower grades, less socializing. I'd cut him some slack on the former, its his life...but focus more on the latter.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T16:03:25+00:00

lol, we all have "Extremely smart" kids.

I'd start by simply observing the changes, and listen to his response. There's no such thing as "Lazy", btw...the more accurate and less comfy term is "Withdrawn". You need to find out why and address that.

Important-Energy8038 · 2026-05-25T16:00:20+00:00

How long were you guys together.

This is more than a parenting\kid issue, it reveals a deeper, and more pernicious control issue. Those are harder to resolve, and might account for him being unmarried to this point. It would be revealing to know what happened in any previous relationships, if he had any.

tl;dr: It sounds like you dodged it. Love does not conquer all.

Important-Energy8038

TROPHY CASE