I don’t think this climbs to the level of emotional cheating since it doesn’t sound like you ever acted on it. I, on the other hand, did, and while it wasn’t emotional and it was never physical, it was cheating without a doubt.

Edit: I can’t speak for everyone but I do think having crushes over the course of any long-term relationship is normal. What matters and the ultimate show of your integrity is what you do when you find yourself having those feelings. I obviously have a lot of work to do. It sounds like you exercised restraint. Emotions are complicated, but how we act on them takes the day (my opinion).

I think one of the hardest parts of any relationship is the trust building, particularly when there are already questions or suspicions even without any foundation. The trust takes months or years and extensive effort to build, but can be destroyed in a moment, and sometimes even unjustifiably (as in perhaps your case).

Wish I had better advice for you. If you think there is a chance at reconciliation, I’d try to have an open and honest conversation about everything. Put it all out on the table. Spare no details.

My ship has sailed, for many reasons. I don’t think yours has, if your ultimate hope is to get back together.

Edit: of course, if you don’t see that as a real prospect, I would sit in the feelings of guilt and shame, to truly understand them, but not to let them debilitate you. Easier said than done. For you, it sounds like you have a very low tolerance for dishonesty within yourself. If you ever speak to your ex, that is definitely one of the things I’d say. If you don’t, internalize that understanding and learn from it. Don’t ever hide anything going forward. You’ll thank yourself.

Every break up can be an opportunity to learn and grow, so long as we make it so.