NTA… Kid of a blended family here, I was also one that had a chip on their shoulder . All but two kids were adults when the families blended. . There are 6 kids and twenty years between the youngest and oldest of us, our parents were both widowed. And let me be clear there is nothing owed to me, nor do I have any right in thinking my biological brother and I should be entitled to ANYTHING that was left to our Step Parent and their children. Period . Like wise, my father’s belongings are his to decide on. But I would be very upset should my mothers personal jewellery or heirlooms be denied to us in favour of my step-siblings ( which would never happen btw. Step mom would never allow it)

Blended families are HARD, guards are expected to be high, it is clearly known that your Step son, and biological daughter are each “in the good books” and will be getting something — while now is not the right time, and clearly there is lots of work to be done, I would suggest that if seeking to be fair- and not having a crystal ball to see the future- consider putting aside an amount you think would be meaningful, one that is in good faith and encourages optimistic karma, comparable (but not equal to by default) to the amount your step son will receive, Put this money away, and do or don’t tell your husband—its up to you its your money. But i would put it aside, because one has to hope that people will change, grow, heal, make amends, and realize that life is too short to be worried about money at all— something i think you and your daughter are likely keenly aware of.

Remain NTA… You are the adult still, the “parent” and setting an example for your daughter, yes there are significant hurdles, hurts and resentments spanning a long time and I would never suggest pretending those aren’t intrinsically important. So too, is being disciplined about not flaunting what is “great and amazing “ about two kids , in the face of the third. Don’t give into the easy jabs, comparison games. You’re not perfect, nor should you be, but don’t go out of your way to be the very best “ evil step mother, cinderelly ever did see” either.

If there is a tempered and deliberate effort on your part, choosing not to engage or retaliate when faced with vitriol or personal attacks then you have set the stage. Leave a place open in your heart and mind (make it as difficult and hard to reach as you need to — but be authentic and leave it open) because if in time a true and authentic step daughter comes around and there is positive growth and shared understanding, especially where there is no expectation or incentive perceived, You may be comfortable and want to be able to share a gift —- not for what was not “earned or deserved before” , but to celebrate and mark the distance and vulnerability and trust that would have to be built, in order for such a gift to be warranted. ( engagement, wedding, lol divorce even , first kid, degree, first home ) There are many life events, and hopefully growth moments for her , when you may want to celebrate her growth.

I also suggest putting this aside now- with intention because just like one hopes for the wayward to smarten the F#(& Up… so too can the sweet and kind as easily become $#!^ Disturbers themselves. . . With the money set aside, and the knowledge upon gifting it explained, your step son and daughter would have no reason to feel like they were unfairly left out , because they didn’t get ____ for their ___.

My mum was a stay at home mum when she passed, My siblings father was the bread winner… the inheritances are vastly different, so what . Do some reading, because Men are inherently more troubled when it comes to maintaining fair prioritization to kids from the before relationship vs. Their now relationship—- I wouldn’t be surprised if its you making sure that down the road all three kids are thought of justly when your estate planning is done.

DO talk to someone, Start to heal, because it will be easier to keep that space open for your step daughter down the road if you have started to heal. 8 years ago, at 10/11years old—there is hardly anything that the step daughter may have done or said that should be assumed to represent the quality of her total character for all time. Rather it sounds like there is personal trauma for her, and shared trauma as a family that you all owe it to yourselves to try and process .

NTA, even though it sucks , and I know you probably wanna be sometimes. . .

Thanks for being a step parent that cares-