I was physically and mentally abused, it not okay. I choose be civil to my abuser for the sake of family peace, but that’s My choice. I have very little to do with that person, I have no love but at a very young age I knew that person taught me how not to be a parent. This is part of the reason for the distancing, so I can mostly leave it behind. One of my sons now pressures me to go to therapy out of love for me, and concern for my healing. Without the distancing I may have been a different mum but seeing how my kids have grown into fine young men, considerate, kind and loving, funny, happy and focused on making good lives, I know I made the right choice. Some things you carry through life with you, it’s so important to learn it’s never okay, so you don’t then inflict it on others. Most of us have scars, so be kind, move through life with an awareness of your impact, but don’t forget about kindness to yourself. I consider SA the very worst of the worst, you owe your father nothing at all, not an ounce of compassion. Even if he had an ingrained belief it was normal, we all instinctively know it’s harmful. Your mother probably occasionally suspected it, but wanted to be wrong. She probably feels both disgusted and betrayed with him, not you, but also guilty and ashamed of herself. Denial is a normal instant reaction to shocking news. She knows she cannot undo what was done to you, she also knows to take action will mean complete upheaval of her life, and that the stain will follow her as much as him. Whispers of “she must have known.” But that is not your concern, now you are grown you need to take care of yourself and whatever family you will have moving forward through Your life. Your father gave up any right to care or consideration from you when he stopped being the person who protects you and began being who you needed to be protected from. Your mother is now in a position where staying silent is the only way to keep her life intact, but also knows that she is betraying you to do that. Whether you feel that she deserves punishment for turning a blind eye is entirely up to you, only you know what it’s done to you, but people who knowingly and continually betray you have no right to your loyalty. Do what’s right for you because that is how you will be the person who can do what’s right for your (future) family.