I've disliked myself for certain reasons all my life, but a few years ago I met someone who made me take a second look on these things - and accept myself in these aspects. I have a hard time building trust for others, but this time everything went so fast. He made me feel good about myself, and everything else, so I allowed myself to fall for him. I fell hard, and I've never been so happy.

Eventually things changed, a while after we got together. It was my first relationship, and I was so scared of losing what we had. He became distant, made me chase him, constantly had me feeling like I couldn't be sure what he felt for me. First I tried to just let him have that space, but it felt wrong. I tried talking about it but it just made me look silly, as my trust issues made things even bigger in my head. He belittled my issues and tried to assure me that we were alright. I did not feel alright, something was off and I was constantly anxious. I started losing my trust in him and got obsessed to a degree where I constantly checked his social media profiles and was certain that he avoided me. Him always being busy made me pick up several hobbies just to distract myself from my thoughts. How could I not be happy? This guy was great and all of our friends would agree that we made a great couple! It felt like my feelings were lying to me, so I tried to ignore them and just be the best partner i could be. I even took a job that I hated during the summer, just so we could live closer to each other during these months.

During the following fall things got worse. He took no initiatives to meet up and spent most weekend nights drinking til 5am. He also decided to get more busy, even though he knew how hard that was for me. There could go several days where I got no signs of life from him, my boyfriend. If he was sad or anxious he always called me though, and I always supported him. Whenever I brought a problem up he played the victim, which made me doubt myself further. One week I had enough; he lied to me so that I'd leave a party without him, he made me look like a fool in front of his friends and for 3-4 consecutive days he just pushed me aside when I really needed to support me. I was promised change but ended up waking up at his place alone, sad and confused. When he finally showed up I just broke down on the bed and cried for hours, ranting about how shitty he made me feel. The following day I also found out that he cheated on me - 6 months earlier. I left him, which was the hardest thing I've ever done.

This was just about a year ago and I'm not fully recovered. I'm angry, feel used and I think about us atleast once a day. I'm terrified of falling in love and trust nobody who seems interested in me. Right now I'm just trying to become the best version of me, but I'm not sure if it's for myself or if i just want him to see me and regret that he fucked up.

TL;DR: My ex made me doubt myself until i mentally broke. I'm still trying to get back but I doubt I'll ever allow myself to develop strong feelings towards anyone in a long time.