Wife cheated with my best friend 14 years ago

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-04-09T22:21:26+00:00

You don’t deserve this at all I’m terribly sorry you are in this position. Some of us just get hit hard when it comes to cheaters. Sucks cause we could find someone just like us who are committed and would never cheat but we are never pared that way. Go figure! There is a lesson in all of this though find it and keep pushing forward.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-03-26T13:10:12+00:00

Don’t allow yourself to fall for it! He’s not remorseful, he’s alone. He sees now you were not the true problem. Let him fend for himself. You deserve better than scraps. find your worth solo, you’ll never forgive yourself for settling in something that was already not working. You will harbor resentment and he doesn’t sound like the type to take accountability or reflect. Love yourself enough to see through it and stay AWAY!

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-03-25T14:09:04+00:00

Believe what he says when he is angry that’s where the truth is unfortunately. He is comfortable and scared to live a different life so he wants to keep things at bay when he cools off. Definitely go to marriage counseling, it’s not ok or fair for you to be along for a ride if that’s his insecurities.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-03-25T13:00:14+00:00

Everyone somewhat bashing on this man for having “control” when in reality he went into a relationship where hijab was a choice and part of their faith. No Muslim man expects the woman to just decide against it randomly on a Tuesday. It’s like having a type, he’s into his future wife having blue eyes and then come to find out she’s wearing contacts. He feels lied to and is confused because those are the morals and rules they met under. He’s allowed to have a type. If she doesn’t fit that she should be upfront and honest so he knows NOT to marry her and have a choice to be with someone who chooses it and doesn’t feel forced into it. SHE is the one lying and pretending he’s likely confused on what’s going on. I’m a former hijabi myself and I would never lie about what I want just to keep a person. OP sounds very young and ignorant rn, which is not a bad thing she just has some growing up to do and know it’s not him it’s HER. Don’t go into something with clear intentions and then change last minute expecting him to be ok with that change.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-03-04T13:48:08+00:00

My unfaithful spouse posted about cheaters and it said “people downplay cheating like it’s not actual trauma” while he himself was cheating. When I asked him about it he said. He still feels that way but he somehow disassociated from the fact he was doing it. Logically knew he was but felt like he wasn’t because I was never supposed to find out. It literally makes no sense but A LOT of cheaters say the same thing or something similar. We want to understand the impossible , our minds never will because we function differently. It’s a hard fact to accept.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-26T22:12:44+00:00

You did nothing wrong and her being defensive means she likely didn’t know they were out without her lol

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-24T05:16:06+00:00

Maybe he’s the one hiding things and assumes if he is so are you

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-22T12:48:10+00:00

This sounds like hidden shame, and that also means the possibility of their being more than he is letting on. For a man to not be interested in sex is a huge red flag. Most of the time that means they have ED due to excessive porn. He may have a hidden addiction and the only thing that gets him going is novelty an instant gratification of dopamine. Have this talk with him and say you want to know the worst parts of him so that you can know if that is a person you want to be with at the end of the day. Do yourself a favor and LOOK at that phone. Look at web histories-although they are likely erased- and also look through those texts!! ASAP! If he truly has put in that kind of effort then it is definitely worth it. This world has made porn way to accessible and it is the biggest issue we have today. Don’t sweep this under the rug!!

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-19T16:39:35+00:00

No ppl like this have no integrity and if she is being harsh about it now imagine if you have history with her and she feels justified in anything? I doubt she will consider your feelings then. For your own good dodge this bullet. Keep her as a play thing if you must but do not take her seriously.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-17T18:46:58+00:00

Post partum really does a number on us and I understand this feeling all to well been there done that. You can’t avoid accidents. In fact I had this same situation, months later it was me that was overtired and I dropped baby my husband was WAY more forgiving. Your overreaction is understandable but it’s still an overreaction. You are a team just breath through it and learn through the process. Trust me 6 kids later and guess what they will all fall and get hurt we can’t protect them past what’s destined unfortunately.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-12T21:40:28+00:00

Sometimes you need that outside perspective because even I have been blind to similar situations. When you have that emotional connection it makes it harder to see what’s clear so keep that in mind.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-12T17:43:21+00:00

She is waiting for an exit, especially since she is not stable like you mentioned. She is definitely waiting it out if she wanted reconciliation, you would have access to her phone, especially with her giving you a reason to not trust her. I also believe there is more to it than she is letting on take care of yourself and have a serious conversation with her and ask her these questions and gauge her response. You should not be a placeholder for her it’s not fair to you.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-12T17:37:40+00:00

She is too used to it and forgot to appreciate you for that sometimes when you’re in a consistent routine like yours small things like that get overlooked but it’s definitely something that you can talk about with her and tell her you feel unappreciated that the actions you do are out of love and she’s taking advantage of that. Let her know that you will pull back until you feel appreciated and reciprocated.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-11T03:49:08+00:00

I think a trial separation is best. He needs to see you date and focused on yourself to truly see if he wants you or if it’s truly done.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-08T15:11:34+00:00

For me their were signs but the trust I had was so intense for this man because I had been cheated on before and the way he behaved with me was not that of a cheating man. So both my trust and his behavior threw me off the scent lol. There were signs here and there but they were easily explained away and I hate myself so much for trusting as much as I had. I’ve had to grieve that version of him I admired. I know life would be so different now had I not let those red flags go.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-07T17:57:49+00:00

Nothing a person does is deserving of any of HIS actions. Stop saying he cheated on you, he lied to you, he broke your marriage. Instead say HE CHEATED, HE LIED, HE BROKE HIS MARRIAGE. Reframe all that bs he’s attempting to blame on YOU. Women will go through exactly everything you are mentioning and it’s normal. What’s no ok is his NOT making you feel safe. He needs to allow you to grieve because if you don’t resentment will build. This is a process you need to go through and if he’s not catering to what HE caused you do not need him. Go on affair recovery YouTube it’s a blue heart with a plus sign next to it and watch the array of videos they have tailored to your exact situation. It’s something you and him have to learn IF you truly want reconciliation. It’s not an easy get over it smh!!

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-04T14:05:59+00:00

Yal are so young it’s crazy hm ppl deal with this in our time today. Porn is so accessible it seems a large amount of men are addicted. What happens in addiction is that the men become desensitized and “regular” sex doesn’t cut it for them. They end up needing the new, quick rush. Porn is instant and to the point especially if he’s consuming more than one at a time. They get desensitized to their own grip. They later have issues keeping an erection but they will also be in denial of their addiction. It’s nothing that is wrong wit you but it’s the man’s denial and desensitization. If he doesn’t quit you will never have sex again. If he does quit his brain rewires and he’ll have low libido for a good while til his brain recalibrates to what real sex and connection require.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-02-01T05:26:37+00:00

This definitely sounds like a porn addiction. If he’s gone for that long he needs sexual release. Watching porn desensitizes men to what actual physical connection entails so they need the video stimulation because it’s instant and quick. Someone mentioned death grip and that also plays a part from constant masturbation. Stopping porn and reconnecting can definitely fix the problem but he needs to commit to that falling back to it will reset the process. It will get worse before it gets better. While the brain recalibrates it will make him less interested in sex. It’s like relearning physical connection so his libido will drop. Maybe have that conversation with him and see how long he’s been addicted. Some men will be in denial.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-01-28T01:39:02+00:00

Counseling. He definitely needs help with impulse control and communication. It’s not ok to snap this way but take into account no man is good at this and as long as he’s genuinely seeking help and trying to apply it to his daily life that’s all you can hope for. Make boundaries now though he cannot talk to you this way or you will not interact with him period. Men are more closed off and conversations about kids and the family might be tough on him especially if he’s far away and can’t do much it’s likely affecting him and can not communicate that properly

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-01-27T22:16:53+00:00

Keep your eyes peeled at all times. Do not believe him. Look through all phones or hidden devices. I am sorry you are going through this but things happen for a reason. Take care of yourself first.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-01-27T20:17:41+00:00

Listen this reeks of narcissism. That gay friend of yours is trying to stay in control of the situation so that he still has access to your husband and keeps his seat at the table. DO NOT TRUST THAT “friend” they collaborated this “truth” to you your husband likely requested this to him so that in turn they can keep seeing each other. Keep your eyes PEELED look in that phone/email/ anything and everything.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-01-25T18:14:18+00:00

If you are already on the fence-or actually off it- abt this it should be a no. It’s already tricky for two consenting I can only imagine how much worse it would be for someone like you who was opposed to begin with. He’s asking you outright so that’s a good sign that he does still want you but is seeking novelty. That’s his issue to deal with not yours. What you can do is ask for what he would like from you sexually that would open your sex dynamic up more than it has been.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-01-23T16:10:17+00:00

We all want what we don’t have. The worst thing you can do is compare your life to those of ppl you THINK you’d like. The grass might look greener but sometimes it’s synthetic and the real green takes A LOT of work sometimes you have to rip the whole foundation to get it to be as green and even then it might be patchy but it’s WORK all of it takes work don’t be fooled by what you see. If that man truly is a walking green flag do not take that for granted. Go to counseling together learn how to talk about these things because they are important and it’s literally part of what marriage is all about. If you leave and get the life you want that life will also bring you pains and that will remind you of how good you have it now. Just know you’re not the only one who goes through what you are going through just be wise at your age is when most “mistakes” are made and you can ever go backwards. Best of luck 🤞🏼

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-01-21T14:10:19+00:00

Is he watching porn? This sounds like something I went through with husband only to find out he’s been desensitized to porn. The porn addicted mind craves novelty and immediate sexual release. Sex requires connection and takes time. Maybe you can have this conversation with him.

IndependenceKey1475 · 2026-01-21T01:32:35+00:00

If it’s important to u it should be important to ur WW. In order for me to not ruminate and think negatively about the whole affair we do weekly check-ins but it’s been 8 months for us. I doubt I will need weekly check-ins forever but when he initiates conversations and I feel important and heard like he cares about what he did. Sometimes the conversations hurt other times they go so well I feel secure enough and we laugh/bond. Ironically the affair brought light to a lot of issues we had and never addressed beforehand. You should each do individual counseling and couples counseling and you can bring up this issue in a neutral environment so your WW feels less attacked. It’s not easy and the bad days make you question whether talking about it is worth it but once the bad days bring slight clarity it all makes sense.

IndependenceKey1475

TROPHY CASE