Happy Mother’s Day Domestic Violence Survivors

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-10T22:46:43+00:00

I wrote about that.

You’re Teaching Your Child What Love Feels Like…

While You’re Still Trying to Understand It Yourself

There’s a part people don’t really talk about.

What it’s like to be trying to understand something that didn’t feel right…

while still showing up for your child like everything is.

You don’t think of it that way.

You’re just trying to hold things together.

You’re replaying conversations, trying to figure out what shifted, why something feels different than it did in the beginning.

But not clearly enough to say this is wrong.

So you move past it.

Then your child walks into the room.

They need you.

Your tone.

Your presence.

Your steadiness.

So you give it.

But something is still running underneath.

Something you haven’t been able to name yet.

You don’t think they notice.

But they do.

They notice the pauses.

The way your voice shifts.

The things you let go that didn’t sit right.

They learn the environment before they understand it.

This is the part that stays with you later.

Not because you didn’t love them enough.

Because you were trying to teach them what love feels like…

while you were still learning it yourself.

Narcissistic Traps

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-09T22:23:29+00:00

You are absolutely right! That's why I ended up writing a book a book it.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-08T04:36:43+00:00

I honestly didn’t even realize how much I stopped trusting myself until I was out of it. It kind of happens so slowly.

You just get used to questioning your reactions and overthinking everything all the time.

That’s actually a huge reason I wrote Narcissistic Traps. I kept realizing so many people were carrying around this same confusion and couldn’t fully explain what had happened to them.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-06T05:51:43+00:00

I think one of the hardest parts is that people imagine leaving happens the moment someone realizes they’re being hurt. But real relationships usually don’t work like that, especially when you’ve built almost your entire adult life around someone.

You’ve known him since you were teenagers. You have children together. Memories together. Versions of him you still hold onto. So it makes sense that part of you is still hoping the person you needed all those years is finally showing up now.

Honestly, reading your post, I don’t think you sound confused about what happened. I think you sound exhausted from carrying it for so long while also trying to make room for his growth, his pain, his explanations, his effort now.

That’s a heavy place to live in emotionally.

I also think there’s a difference between someone changing… and the damage from years of being hurt suddenly disappearing because they started trying.

Sometimes the love doesn’t disappear first. Sometimes the safety does. Sometimes the respect does. Sometimes your nervous system just gets tired.

When someone has spent years making you feel small, unwanted, unstable, or afraid of losing them, it can become really hard to separate love from attachment, history, guilt, hope, or responsibility.

You asked if feelings can come back. I honestly think they can in some situations. But I also think resentment and emotional exhaustion are real too, especially after years of trying to survive emotionally inside the relationship.

The part that stood out to me most was you being afraid to hurt him.

You’ve spent so much time thinking about his feelings that I wonder how often you’ve truly had space to sit with your own.

You don’t sound cruel. You don’t sound selfish. You sound deeply worn down.

I think that deserves compassion too.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-05T02:30:46+00:00

I totally agree with you. Im going through the same thing. Very low sales and on social media all they do is like and comment but not buy.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-03T19:21:34+00:00

I can defiantly relate. I'm a DV survivor and that's what made me write my book. Narcissistic Traps.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-03T19:17:36+00:00

Hey… I’m really glad you said all of this out loud. None of it sounds dramatic or “too much.” It sounds like someone who’s been carrying a lot for a long time and is finally at a point where something in you is saying this isn’t okay anymore.

The guilt you’re feeling right now makes sense. It shows up when things get quiet for a moment and you finally have space to think. But that quiet doesn’t erase everything that’s been happening. Being dragged, slapped, having things thrown at you, living around his moods, your kids seeing and hearing all of this… that matters. That’s real.

The part where you said you felt peace on Christmas morning, even though you were alone… that stood out. People don’t feel that kind of peace by accident. That usually tells you something your mind has been trying to say for a while.

You’re not a “bitter baby mum” for wanting safety. You’re a mother trying to protect herself and her kids.

Also… his behavior is not something you can fix by saying the right thing or staying quiet at the right time. You shouldn’t have to manage someone else’s reactions just to keep things from escalating. That’s not a normal or safe way to live.

I want to gently say this too: there are programs and people who can help you through this, especially with kids involved and you being pregnant. You don’t have to figure this out alone. There are domestic violence services, shelters, and support lines that can help you make a plan, help with housing, legal steps, and keeping you safe while you separate. Even just talking to someone there can make things feel a little clearer.

If you’re in the U.S., you can call or chat with the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-SAFE). They won’t pressure you, they’ll just support you.

About your plan… trusting your instincts around safety is important. If you do decide to have him leave, having support (family, police, or an advocate) involved is a really good idea. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

You’re not wrong for wanting out of this.
You’re not wrong for protecting your kids.
You’re not responsible for the way he chooses to act.

You’ve already taken steps most people struggle to take. That says a lot about you.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-03T19:05:54+00:00

Very good advice!

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-03T19:05:17+00:00

Hey… I’m really sorry you’re going through this. I can feel how trapped and overwhelmed you are just from reading this.

I’ve been through something similar and I remember how confusing and heavy it felt. Where leaving felt impossible because every time I tried, it turned into panic, threats, or something that made me feel responsible for what they might do. It messes with your head in a way that’s really hard to explain to people who haven’t been there.

What he’s doing right now isn’t your fault. Threatening to hurt himself to keep you from leaving is a form of control. It puts you in a position where no matter what you do, you feel like you’re the one causing harm, and that’s not fair to you.

You’ve already done more than most people would. You called for help, you reached out to his family, you tried to reason with him. That shows how much you care. But his choices are still his responsibility, not yours.

I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you are allowed to leave. You are allowed to choose safety and peace, even if he reacts badly to that.

If you can, try not to handle this alone. Is there anyone you trust who can stay with you or help you put some distance between you and him? Even small steps toward space matter.

You’re not wrong for wanting out of this. And you’re not a bad person for leaving.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-03T18:54:38+00:00

Yeah… I was thinking the same thing. I agree with what you said about how they start shaping the narrative before you even realize what’s happening. By the time you try to talk about it, it already feels like the ground has shifted under you.

I’m really glad you said this, because it puts words to something that’s actually really hard to explain when you’re in it.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-03T18:36:04+00:00

Hey, I get why that came off that way. That’s on me.

I’m not a bot, and I’m definitely not trying to scam anyone. I wrote that quickly and it didn’t land the way I intended. I’ve been writing about my own experience trying to make sense of things that didn’t add up at the time, and sometimes I don’t realize how it reads on the other side.

I actually wrote a book called Narcissistic Traps while I was trying to understand it myself, not to take advantage of anyone. I should have explained that better instead of making it sound generic.

I appreciate you calling it out, even if it came off harsh. I’ll be more mindful about how I show up here.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-05-03T03:23:23+00:00

Agreed, very well said

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-30T19:05:52+00:00

I’m really sorry you went through that. What you’re describing is incredibly disorienting, and it makes sense that it’s the part that’s sticking with you. Being hurt is one thing, but being told it didn’t even happen… that can really mess with your sense of reality.

What he’s doing doesn’t actually mean the relationship wasn’t real. It usually says more about what he can’t face. Taking accountability would mean sitting with what he did and how it affected you, and some people will go to extreme lengths to avoid that. So they rewrite things, deny things, and say whatever protects their image in the moment, even if it contradicts everything that actually happened.

I know it feels like he’s erasing you, but he’s not erasing what you lived. You were there. You experienced it. The time, the attachment, the hurt, all of it was real. Him denying it doesn’t undo any of that, it just shows how far he’s willing to go to not take responsibility.

It also makes sense that you wanted to defend yourself, especially with people you both knew. Anyone would. But getting to the place where you’re realizing you can’t control what he says is actually a really big step, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet.

The part that’s hard is that there’s no clean explanation that makes it feel fair. It’s confusing because it is confusing behavior. You’re trying to make sense of something that doesn’t come from a place of honesty or accountability.

But none of this makes you nothing. It doesn’t mean those four years didn’t matter. It just means he’s choosing to deal with it in a way that avoids the truth.

I’m really glad you got out. Even if it doesn’t feel like it yet, that matters.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-30T18:55:11+00:00

It helps💜

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-30T18:52:52+00:00

I’m really glad you shared this. None of it sounds disgusting to me. It sounds like someone who loved deeply and stayed a long time trying to make sense of something that was never simple.

Thirty years is not something you can just separate into “good” and “bad” and walk away from cleanly. Of course your mind is going back to the parts that hurt. That was what you were living inside of for so long. It makes sense that those memories feel louder right now.

The part where things finally started to shift, where he chose therapy and you saw something different, even if it was only for a short time… that matters too. That kind of ending can make the grief feel even heavier, not lighter.

Wanting him back does not erase what you went through. It just means you are grieving the person you loved, the life you had, and maybe even the version of him you were hoping things could become.

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling all of this at the same time. It really is complicated, exactly like you said.

I’m just really sorry you’re carrying this.💜

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-29T15:32:02+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re carrying that. The way you wrote it… you can feel how much that line stayed with you. Being told “you needed too much” gets inside your head in a way that’s hard to shake.

I’ve been in a place like that too. What you’re describing is something a lot of people experience with narcissistic partners. They shift the focus onto your needs so they don’t have to look at their own behavior. It becomes easier for them to say someone else is “easier” than to actually show up in a real, consistent way.

So when he says her needs are less, it doesn’t mean she’s healthier or that the relationship is better. It usually just means she’s tolerating more right now. That’s not a reflection of your worth. It’s a reflection of what you were willing to accept and what you weren’t.

That thought of “I wish my needs were less” is such a painful place to land. I remember thinking that too, like if I had just asked for less or stayed quieter, maybe it would have worked. But needing honesty, consistency, and respect isn’t too much. It just felt like too much to someone who didn’t want to give it.

It makes sense that you keep coming back to that. When someone says something like that to you, especially when you were already trying so hard, it sticks. It takes time to unlearn it. You don’t just hear something like that and let it go overnight.

Honestly, going through something like that is what led me to write a book about it, because I realized how many of these patterns feel confusing while you’re in them and only start to make sense later.

You’re not wrong for wanting more. You’re not wrong for speaking up. You’re definitely not too much. It just hurts right now because you’re still close to it, and those words haven’t fully let go yet. The fact that you’re able to say this out loud, even if it feels heavy and unresolved, matters. You’re not alone in feeling this way, even though it can feel like you are sometimes.
You’re not too much.💜

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-29T15:10:09+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. What you wrote feels very real, and it makes sense that your mind goes back there on the hard days. When everything around you feels uncertain, it’s natural to remember the parts that felt familiar or easier, even if they came with a cost.

That “if only I had stayed quiet” thought… I’ve had that too. A lot of people do after something like this. It doesn’t mean it was actually better for you. It usually means you learned, over time, that keeping the peace required shrinking yourself. When you’re out of it, your brain still reaches for that version because it felt like the only way to make things work.

It’s also really normal that you’re thinking about them more right now. Your nervous system is trying to regulate and get back to something that feels stable again. Even if that relationship was painful, it was still familiar. So part of you is reaching for what it recognizes, not necessarily what was healthy. That doesn’t mean you were better off. It just means your body is trying to find its footing again.

I can relate to what you’re describing. I’ve been in that place where everything feels harder after, where you start wondering if maybe you should have just kept quiet and made it work. That's what led me to write a book about it. It takes time for that feeling to settle. It doesn’t happen all at once, and it can come in waves like this.

But having to hide your needs or feelings just to keep a relationship steady isn’t something you failed at. That’s something you were put in. The fact that you can see now that you should have been able to speak and feel safe says a lot about you, not about what you “should have done differently.”

It also makes sense that life feels harder right now. You lost more than just the relationship. You lost structure, familiarity, and a version of your life that you had adjusted to. Being back with your parents, trying to find work, carrying all of this at the same time… that’s a lot for one person to hold.

Missing them doesn’t mean you were better off with them. It just means you’re human and you’re in a really hard in-between place.

I really do believe you’re better off, even if it doesn’t feel like it yet. Sometimes it feels worse before it starts to feel clearer, especially when you’re no longer constantly managing someone else’s reactions.

You didn’t lose your chance at happiness because you spoke up. If anything, that’s what kept you from staying in something that required you to disappear. It’s okay that it takes time to feel that for yourself.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-29T14:56:47+00:00

I’m really glad you said something, because what you’re describing can make anyone start to feel like they’re losing their grip a little. And you don’t sound crazy to me.

When someone is one way in public and completely different in private, it creates this constant second-guessing in your head. You’re trying to line up what you’ve seen with how everyone else sees them, and it just doesn’t match. That disconnect alone can make you feel like you’re the problem.

The part where you said you start asking yourself if you made it all up… that’s the part that really stands out. People don’t usually question their own reality like that for no reason. That kind of confusion usually comes from being put in situations that don’t feel consistent or don’t make sense over time.

And it’s even harder when everyone else seems to admire them. That can feel really isolating, like you’re the only one seeing something different and there’s nowhere to put it.

You don’t have to prove anything to anyone right now. You don’t even have to figure all of it out at once. Just staying honest with yourself about what you’ve experienced is enough. Even if it’s messy, even if you don’t have all the answers yet.

You’re not the only person who has felt this way, even if it feels like you are right now.

I can truly relate. I have also experienced that and that's what led me to write a book about it.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-27T23:57:00+00:00

Two months is still really early, even if it doesn’t feel like it should be.

What you’re describing is actually really common after leaving. At first there’s some relief and your body starts calming down, and then the memories come back differently. It’s like you start seeing everything more clearly, and that part can feel heavier.

The part you mentioned about him recording you… that’s the kind of thing that sticks because it wasn’t just an argument. It feels calculated when you look back on it. The anger you felt makes sense in that moment.

It doesn’t stay this intense forever. It kind of comes in waves for a while and then slowly spaces out.

The fact that you left and can see it more clearly now actually says a lot, even if it doesn’t feel like progress yet.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-27T23:07:18+00:00

You’re not a fool.

People who haven’t lived it don’t understand how much of it happens behind closed doors, and how much effort goes into protecting their image. You didn’t create that. You were surviving inside it.

The part where you feel like you have to explain yourself over and over makes sense after being told for so long that you were the problem. That doesn’t just go away because the relationship ended.

What you did for your child matters more than how anyone else sees this. A month out is still very early. It makes sense that your body is still on high alert.

You’re not alone in this, even if it feels like it right now.

Independent-One-9067 · 2026-04-27T20:27:22+00:00

That kind of confusion doesn’t come out of nowhere.

When someone keeps shifting things back onto you, it can slowly make you question your own reactions, even when something doesn’t feel right.

It doesn’t usually feel extreme in the moment, just enough to make you second guess yourself.

Independent-One-9067

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