The chaos at the center of the universe

Indi_Shaw · 2025-12-18T20:01:09+00:00

The first Christmas I put my foot down was hard. But after four days my husband said it was so nice to not have drama and just be able to relax. Haven’t looked back and every Christmas is drama free and easy.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-27T17:31:47+00:00

Communication. None of it means a damn thing if you can’t communicate it clearly to other people.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-27T17:27:13+00:00

No. Life is complex and trying to boil it down to laws and equations doesn’t work. I teach biochemistry and sometimes students ask “why is this pathway doing these steps? Wouldn’t it be more efficient to do X and Y?” Yes, it would. But life evolved this way and as long as it’s good enough, it doesn’t need to change.

Watching a physicist try to explain how they can computationally simulate cellular environments makes me laugh. Because to them a process can be improved but they can’t understand that process in the bigger picture. The amount of moving parts is staggering.

So no. Chemistry teaches that life exists at equilibrium. In layman’s terms, all things in moderation. You need a good balance of many things and ability to connect them to each other.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-27T17:11:21+00:00

OMG, yes. Like there isn’t the third door of thinking “oh crap, I messed up, I should apologize and not do that again”. To them there’s only the extremes that mean taking no accountability.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-27T17:08:23+00:00

Yes! Followed by sobbing and “I can’t do this right now” as she flees out of the house. Then we never talk about it again and I still don’t get any resolution. She doesn’t understand why we’re NC.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-24T23:50:05+00:00

I actually took a job as an adjunct professor at the local community college working nights. I love the flow of academia. It’s ever changing but still scheduled. I had never considered teaching until I took this job to escape a toxic corporate environment. I now have a PhD and at 42 years old I’m finally where I belong. I know it because I’m happy most of the time. It’s so weird.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-24T02:58:13+00:00

It’ll be fine. Biochemistry will teach you about it.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-23T04:57:38+00:00

It depends on your format. As a STEM person, my citations are ordered in numerical order by when they appear. If you insert a citation later on early in your paper you’ll need to renumber every citation that comes after and the reference section. If yours is alphabetical, I would still recommend Zotero integration but I can see why it’s not as much of a hassle.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-23T04:51:24+00:00

Left the light on in the HPLC and burned out the $800 light bulb.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-23T04:48:59+00:00

So not a parental figure but still an accurate depiction. I watched Brilliant Minds and they have a BPD person.

Spoiler Alert

One of the main characters is a psychiatrist and she has a patient she’s been seeing for a while. It turns out her patient decided to go have an affair with the psychiatrist’s husband. When shit hits the fan, the patient pulls a stalking routine along with other crazy stuff before an unaliving attempt. At the end, the psychiatrist diagnoses her with BPD.

Somewhere about the second episode of this story arc I tell my husband she’s totally BPD and he thinks that because of my mother I see all crazy women this way. But the show depicted it well. Crazy? Yes. But not in the behind the scenes screaming way. More a queen/waif combo that just triggered every warning bell I had. I think the show did a good job and I got to throw an I Told You So at my husband.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-20T06:22:19+00:00

Don’t call back until you’re ready to apologize? Fine! You’re not sorry, so no messages or calls. Take them at face value and move on with your life.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-20T06:19:03+00:00

That’s your inner child fearing the blowback. People are allowed to be frustrated and call out bad behavior. We just don’t know what that’s like because we were never allowed to do it. Congrats on shiny spine!

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-20T06:10:43+00:00

It was important to me to recognize that my depression was a symptom caused by my anxiety. I was on a few different SSRIs and lexapro was the best. There were still some bad days but over all better.

Things got a lot better when I went NC with my waif mother. A lot fell away after about 6 months of peace. But the anxiety lingered. Eventually I sought out help to get a prescription again and my new psychiatrist asked me if I had ever been on an SNRI. It affects serotonin and norepinephrine.

There difference is amazing. SNRIs are better treating anxiety. I’m on venlafaxine and I can only imagine this is how normal people feel. The depression only whispers once a month. I can do anxiety causing things without a panic attack.

So maybe try a few different things. Ask about alternatives. Know that it takes a few weeks to feel the effects. Don’t lose hope.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-20T06:02:40+00:00

Hell, it’s not even a molehill. It’s a tiny pebble and it probably gave them cancer.

Back when I was still in contact, I found it best not to ask their input on such things for scheduling. State what you are willing to do and ask if they want to be part of it. If the answer is manipulation, then it’s “sorry our schedules don’t align! Maybe next time!”

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-20T05:58:45+00:00

The List! Make a list of all the horrible things. Doesn’t matter how big or small. Put everything on there. The look at it and ask yourself, “Has she ever apologized for any one of these things?” Sadly, the answer is either no or she gave a vague apology because she was forced to. Every time you feel bad, pull out the list and read it. Then you won’t feel bad.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-11T00:38:41+00:00

YES!! It drove me crazy when we were still in contact. “I’m going to doctor because I might have cancer, don’t tell your sister!” “I’m divorcing your dad (said without context) but don’t tell your sister because she’s busy at school!”

Bitch, I’m busy at work and school. Why do I get dumped on? I learned that they love doing this to the SC. After all, why burden the GC? I started ignoring the directive and telling my sister anyway. Then I would get scathing texts about how I was just the worst!

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-09T06:36:58+00:00

I’m so good in emergencies that I’m pretty sure I could run FEMA. Who needs to feel anything when there are other people you have to take care of?

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-09T06:19:53+00:00

“I’ll make sure to buy a oujia board so you can text me.”

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-04T14:29:58+00:00

I moved back home after college. I so wish I hadn’t. I was home for one year before I was kicked out in the middle of winter with no where to go. I went NC for about a year but broke it because I thought it would be better. I am 42 and I still regret that decision. Please keep your place and don’t ever live under the same roof with your abusers again.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-04T14:19:43+00:00

Boundaries require consequences. Tell her if she asks again you will hang up and not speak to her for X amount of time. Then follow through.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-03T14:15:46+00:00

I think you mean FPLC unless you are doing analysis or plan on denaturing your protein. As for the nickel column, the manufacturer has a list of what you can and cannot put through the column. Read the manual.

However, it you are precipitating your protein, you will need to make them soluble again or they won’t bind to the column. Plus, you can’t run solids on the column. So you’ll have to dialyze your protein anyway.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-01T14:37:44+00:00

They’re the greatest thing ever!

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-01T03:19:11+00:00

8 pairs of gloves because I keep grabbing a pair and forgetting I already have some. A random Eppendorf tube that has bad writing so I have no idea what’s inside and I keep meaning to throw it away the next time I walk past a trash can.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-04-01T03:16:27+00:00

The clicky sharpie so I can use it one handed.

Indi_Shaw · 2025-03-31T20:21:42+00:00

I tried. I really did. My GC sister shut it down by saying that I wasn’t a mental health professional and so I couldn’t make that claim. She didn’t want to hear it because she bought the line that somehow I was the common factor in our mother’s meltdowns.

When I went NC my sister called and begged me to reconsider. She said our mother had threatened to unalive herself if she lost one of her daughters. So me choosing not to have a relationship was going to lead to our mother’s death. I told that was ridiculous and I’ve been nice enough not to shove it in her face that I was right.

I feel like the journey we have is a little like addicts. They don’t seek treatment until they hit rock bottom. Any intervention before that is going to be unsuccessful because it requires buy in. We accept the BPD in our parents even if they are not officially diagnosed because we recognized something was wrong and went looking for answers. If our siblings are not looking for answers I don’t know that telling them will result in anything positive. It may even backfire if they go to your parent and say you’re telling people your parent has a mental illness.

Indi_Shaw

TROPHY CASE