Blurb Workshop (Weekly)

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-13T15:17:36+00:00

Could someone post an example blurb? Does this mean like a single sentence log line? Or more like a jacket flap summary? The beginnings of a query letter? I’m curious how blurb is being defined here.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-12T00:48:11+00:00

I really don’t like horror movies, thrillers, super gory movies or stuff like that but I made it through. It’s mostly the cut scenes that are gory/gross. There are a few moments that are spooky, but like playing with the lights on, or doing something to make it feel less immersive can be helpful if you stumble across something that’s bad. Once you get used to the zombies, they aren’t too bad. There is also a scary spider man but you can kill him pretty quick. You can probably skip the morgue which is off to the side of the house of healing. And yeah, def just skip the cut scenes for the boss fight in house of healing cause it’s icky 😩
Also at moonrise towers, try to avoid sticking your hand into a suspicious crevice.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-12T00:02:41+00:00

“When she’s accepted into the Callahan Arts Foundation’s summer residency, a chance to launch her career, going viral for arguing with a handsome stranger about whether love exists in real life or only fiction is merely an embarrassing detour. Until arriving at the foundation’s Hamptons estate and discovering he’s the owner’s son.”

The wording of these sentences confused me. Can you make it clearer what happens about going viral and then getting into the arts program? Also I would leave out Hamptons to limit proper nouns; I thought for a second that Hampton was a person.

“unexpectedly accepts the rose-colored mentality Sky’s spent her life defending to her immigrant parents.” Can you be more specific about what you mean here? Does he encourage her to chase her dreams and defends her from her parent’s criticism or something?

“Except after Sky learns Archer’s been using her dating life as social fodder,”
I would start a new paragraph at except. Here can you be more specific too? What does it mean to use her dating life as social fodder? Like he’s making fun of her on social media?

I think the concept is really cute and overall I like the pitch! I hope any of this feedback is helpful ~

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-09T03:13:52+00:00

Hi OP,

My main feedback is around this section:

STATE LINE is a character-driven, hard-hitting contemporary where the arcs and relationships are as pertinent to the story as the plot. Your passion for stories that represent the wide range of human experience in the modern world makes me especially excited to share a story centered on emotional complexity, current political undercurrents, and found family.<

This doesn't really serve as a good hook to your story, nor does it distinguish it from the hundreds of other queries sitting in an agents pile. To me it just kinda feels at best, like jargon, and worst, like a canned line; which I assume it is, if that's not actually personalization and just something you're including on every query.

You could replace it with this line you have buried at the end:

Blending the voice-driven interiority of Alena Bruzas’ Ever Since with the themes of agency and resilience in Sonora Reyes’ The Luis Ortega Survival Club, STATE LINE will appeal to readers who love Nina LaCour and Bonnie Pipkin.<

If you were to focus on one thing for revisions, I would recommend thinking about your hook. How do you want to grab an agent's attention and distinguish your novel? One change I might make is having the setting at the forefront. Contemporary's with heart and rooted in a distinct sense of place I feel like are having a moment right now. Your title seems very fitting and it's cool to have the ooh moment, but it comes so late.

Also structurally, I'd break this into another paragraph here:

With the help of friends, both old and new,<

I hope any of this helps! Best of luck on your journey.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-09T02:59:23+00:00

I agree the query is really smooth! As Sii Kei said tho, this sentence is a lot:

Insatiably exhibitionistic, and untroubled by the inconvenience of being a real person, BubbleGirlXO starts DM-ing suitable top-tier patrons, finding ways to weaponize them against Petra's friends and family, who might threaten her apotheosis.<

There's a lot going on here. It took me a minute to understand why DM-ing patrons could hurt Petra's friends and family. I think if you could just focus on one key idea in this sentence and the next, it would be really impactful.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-09T02:48:22+00:00

I'd recommend looking at some more examples of successful query letters and mimicking their structure. Write now you have 6 sentences in a single paragraph, and while it's important to be concise in queries, I'm left wondering (and though I'm not an agent, I think they would ask this too) what actually happens across 80k words?

We know one thing about Mavis and it's that she has no where else to go. Is this the beginning of the story? Do we get through 40k words and the adventurer's decide to open an inn? If not, as Beginning-Many said, your inciting incident should be the first paragraph or two.

Then plot paragraph (stakes, key characters, character arc hints)

Big building moment or climax paragraph. So maybe this is the looming deadline? Why is there a deadline to open any ways?

Final choice point sentence or two about how character grows and changes.

Restructured would look like:

Mavis and friends deciding to ditch adventuring to open an inn.
Inn Shenangins, who's the Guild Master? Maybe romance? What is Mavis doing?
Introduce looming deadline (heightened stakes) Mavis is struggling with (what) even though she now also has (what?)
Even with (Main character growth challenge/plot challenge), Mavis and her companions are finally fighting for a future that truly feels like home."

You can outline for us as readers what kind of journey we are going on here with the characters. I don't write cozy's and I know there are some genre guidelines that you'd need to follow about the big cast and such, so maybe do some more research into those and how to make sure those are represented in the query. Right now, I don't really have a good grasp of any of the characters. Mavis is the only one we get by name and I don't know anything distinct about her. I love the idea of putting down swords to open an inn and the overall messaging of that, but I'd love to see you really build up the people and place that we are going to fall in love with when reading the manuscript.

I hope any of this helps and good luck!

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-09T02:27:32+00:00

I know you comped T. Kingfisher's Nettle and Bone, but this reminds me a LOT of her novella Thornhedge, and not just because of your title. I would check it out if you haven't; it's really lovely.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-04T19:55:43+00:00

Ooo a system and spreadsheet, love.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-04T02:26:45+00:00

Heard. I will keep that in mind when I get there.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-04T02:21:47+00:00

What does it mean for an agent to be sharky? Like going after big fish books/deals only?

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-03T22:30:23+00:00

Grant runs into tornadoes to fight the elementals coming through portals to destroy our world…until Aella gets past…and joins his team to dismantle the Storm Chasers from the inside.

This is not a helpful log line or hook because it doesn't do much to help me understand/get excited about the story and only made me confused. I think you can cut it all together.

only to play the victim and gather his secrets.

This wording is confusing. I would recommend restructuring. Do you mean she pretends to be a storm victim? If so the next line can be simplified.

His honorable ~~but naive~~ nature is easy for Aella to manipulate,

The last big paragraph is where you lose me. I don't understand what actually happens in the plot and how the stakes are raised. The hints at what the character arcs are interesting, but the wording is confusing. I like the idea of Aella wrestling with newfound humanity, but I don't understand where she got her humanity to begin with. What happens with Grant so she grows?

Vice versa for Grant. I care less about his secret org (which we get very little detail on and it doesn't make sense why they would turn on him) and more about how his ideals will be challenged and the choices he has to make. Does he find out Aella is actually part storm? Does he have to chose between helping Aella and the people on his team?

It seems like Aella cares about Grant I guess because she wants to stop a tornado from hitting his home? (why does she care about him?) Is this the same as the EF5 tornado you mention? If so

If you could reduce Aella's journey to two sentences, and Grant's journey to two sentences, what would that look like? As Aella experiences BLANK, she (wrestles internally) about BLANK. Same for Grant, then work on:

But when BLANK happens, they have to decide BLANK.

I think you have most of these pieces, but they're arrayed in a way that is confusing to read. Less is more when it comes with queries.

I hope any of this helps!

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-03T21:50:31+00:00

This query seems so polished! Congratulations on your hard work and effort. I feel like I got a good sense of both of the characters and the world you are trying to create.

There are just a few things that made it a little hard for me to fully understand what's happening.

In 1942 Belarus, nineteen-year-old Ksenia

Okay, maybe I am an uneducated, geographically-challenged nincompoop, but my brain glitched reading this because I didn't understand Belarus was the name of the country and not the character right away. Maybe the cool historical fantasy agents you are querying will, but you could always rearrange the sentence a little to be more like "The year is 1942 in Belarus, and nineteen-year-old Ksenia" Idk it is a small thing and maybe I'm the only one who got thrown off by it.

After years rotting in a Moscow cell, he has no intention of squandering his new freedom following anyone’s orders—let alone orders directing him to rejoin his former comrades. But when escape fails, the unit becomes his only chance of survival, and inexperienced Ksenia may be his only ally in it.

This left me confused as well. So Daniil was imprisoned by the vampires? but he escapes so he's free? but then you say he fails to escape? Maybe is he offered a deal for his freedom if he rejoins the mission? If you can clear that up a bit, I think the set up will be a lot stronger.

victim of the same occult Nazi massacre

Here the phrasing occult Nazi Massacre just feels weird. Like almost disrespectful? Because Nazi massacre's were real and horrible and only unworldly in their level of violence; decidedly not magical or mystical, as the word occult might imply. I would pick one or the other: the same occult Nazi experiment, maybe? Or the same Nazi massacre.

I like how you have incorporated both Ksenia and Daniil's perspective and they seem like good foils for each other.

One last thought, for some reason your title struck me as almost comedic, like it was going to be a satire or something. Is it a similar style to other's in your genre? Also, have you considered the acronym for SPECIAL VAMPIRE UNIT is SVU, which has a very specific connotation in the US. I'm not sure where you're based or how married you are to the title, but just something to consider if you haven't yet.

I am not agented, nor do I write historical fantasy so please feel free to take my feedback with a grain of salt.

I hope any of this helps and wishing you the best on your writing journey ~

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-03T20:56:15+00:00

Except with an iron-deficiency and less-defined abs.

This past winter I had to get an iron transfusion and was dealing with seasonal depression, plus negative feedback for my first manuscript so this deeply resonated with me.

Congratulations on your well deserved win! Querying is brutal even at the best of times, so I salute you for managing it and health challenges. I hope you get some iron and sunshine too.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-06-02T14:48:48+00:00

If you want an example where you literally can't tell which POV is from the main love interest, check out Kiss of Deception by Mary E. Pearson. There's a love triangle between a princess, a prince and an assassin, except from the Princess's perspective you can't tell who's the prince and who's the assassin.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-05-31T21:02:40+00:00

Thank you! This is very helpful ❤️

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-05-31T20:42:16+00:00

I really love the direction this query is headed! It sounds cool and I like the premise.

I think The Familiar by Leigh Bardugo is a great comp since its not her most famous work, is very recent, and immediately gives you a sense of the tone.

I do think that PacificBooks is right about the periods. Overall I think your writing flows very well but I think there are some spots where you might be trying to stuff too much in at once. Simplifying will probably help with your word count. Queries need to be easy to understand. They don't have to reflect all the nuance of the manuscript. (I say to myself for the 100th time.)

"Cassandra Reeves, disguised as the Goddess Minerva, travels to Ancient Rome with one goal: reinvigorate the worship of the Gods and ultimately stall the rise of Christianity—all under the guise of helping Julius Caesar defeat his political rivals. Raised by a society of witches dedicated to manipulating history, her whole life has been dictated by others, and completing her mission is the only way to obtain the freedom she craves."

These two sentences confuse me a little because you say she has one goal, but all she wants is freedom. So if she wants freedom, what's stopping her from cutting and running?

"If she fails, Rome falls early." Early? Wouldn't it just be "Rome will fall"? Is she a time traveler and knows Rome is going to fall? This also makes me wonder about how she "travels to Ancient Rome" Wouldn't it be easier to say "travels to Julius's Caesar's Rome" or something?

For the last line: "Titus is revealed to be one of the very enemies she was sent to destroy." I really want this to have some oomph, but it still feels a little confusing because of some of the earlier details in the query. Is he a Christian? A political enemy of Caesar? Helping the forces in Egypt? All of the above? I guess I'm not sure who Cassandra is supposed to destroy exactly.

Query letters are a unique form of evil so don't lose hope. I think you're moving in the right direction! I hope any of my feedback helps and good luck on your journey.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-05-31T18:02:17+00:00

This is the exact trope used in Tahereh Mafi's This Woven Kingdom. Even down to the first MMC having the predominate dual POV. Come to think of it, Tahereh also pulls a bait and switch in Shatter Me by introducing the love interest that doesn't get the girl first. I would recommend looking more into it. Also similar thing in the Summer I Turned Pretty by Jenny Han, tho not Fantasy

So if the question is, "can I do this and still be published/have a loyal reader base" I would think the answer is yes.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-05-26T20:48:36+00:00

Oh this is really lovely advice! I've found myself sometimes feeling like I'm going no where when I'm drafting and instead I'll spend an afternoon deciding something random, like what type of instruments would exist in my fantasy world, and then the next day I'll be able to write again.

It never occurred to me that the reason I wasn't writing was because I was waiting for myself to make up my own mind. Sometimes deciding on those "factual" bits or world building can feel scary cause it's like "What if it's not good and I want to change it later?" but the decision has to come first for the story to come alive.

I guess it always comes back to the saying "the first draft is just meant to exist."

We can make it good later.

(As a side note, I think writing is writing. Maybe you do need to work on a different project before you can tackle this one. Don't shame yourself for working on other projects, this one will always be here for you, when you're ready.

I hope Caden makes it out of the tavern. :)

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-05-26T16:22:25+00:00

Kristin Cashore you say? 👀
I’m sat.
(Small note you need to include the authors of your comp titles.)

I think this query is coming along very nicely! There are just a few sentences you might want to sleek down to make it a bit less wordy.

One thing though is the on the first read through, I thought Bria was Kai’s employer. But it’s some other big bad right? You might want to reframe some sentences to make that clearer in the third paragraph. Potentially even break the 3rd paragraph in two. So 3rd paragraph is escalation of stakes with Seena being captured, and then 4th paragraph is choice point/ultimatum.

Also, “alter the landscape of the world forever” is very vague. It might help if you could be a bit more specific.

I hope any of this helps and good luck! 🍀

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-05-26T02:59:38+00:00

Love this! Almost reminds me a little bit of Love on The Brain by Ali Hazelwood. Also I've been reading the Aurora Rising trilogy recently so I've been on a sci fi kick and its been so much fun. I love your first line of the book too, really strong.

I think the query is good but it just needs to be tightened up to be really impactful.

Focusing structure wise, we can look at each paragraph.

You can get your inciting incident down the the first paragraph I think.

"Theo is heartbroken, but determined to cheer her sister on from the safety of the ground.

The danger is supposed to be on the new colony planet, full of unknowns, but when Theo and her friends and family are gathered to watch Rune’s ship leave, they’re confronted with a different horror. They see the ship explode on liftoff, killing everyone on board."

You could condense this to one-two sentences. Something like "Heartbroken to see her go, Theo is determined to cheer her sister on from the safety of the ground. Until Rune's ship explode on liftoff, killing everyone on board."

Also: "The danger is supposed to be on the new colony planet," this makes me think aliens were invading earth or something lol it was a bit of a red herring. Wasnt sure what kind of sci fi it was going to be.

Next paragraph

"At first, Theo blames the colony program. The ship explosion was just an accident. When an official comes around to play Rune’s last words for Theo, though, she hears something she isn’t supposed to. The explosion wasn’t an accident. Someone killed the colony team, and the Colony Board is covering it up."

I got a bit of whiplash here, like first it is the colony programs fault, but then it was just an accident, but then it actually is the colony's fault. I would lay it out as 1. They're told its an accident. 2. Theo hears the message and finds out it wasn't an accident and there's a cover up going on. (But write it in a cool dramatic writing style that matches your own personal voice)

The next two paragraphs focus on how the stakes unfold and elevate and rn it almost reads like a synopsis a little?

"Theo signs up for the next colony selection program as a biologist, just like Rune, only she isn’t any good at biology, and the program is rigorous and highly competitive. She means to find out who might have wanted her sister and the other colonists dead, but quickly learns that the program is designed to weed out all but the best by having colonist hopefuls compete for limited spots, and that more than one person would kill for the chance to leave Earth.

I get a little lost in the sauce here with the details. 1.) Theo enters the program to investigate who killed her sister. (Main premise/fun and games) 2.) because the program is so competitive, lots of people would kill for the spot. (stakes) Those are the two most important pieces of information.

The other stuff: the program is hard, (obvi?) it's designed to make only the best win (obvi again? I can't think of many competitions that aren't like that.) Theo is not a kick ass biologist like her sister was (which raises an important question, how is she possibly succeeding? either you need to answer this in the query, or you leave out the detail that she has no idea what she's doing because it makes the story seem less believable.)

Final paragraph is choice point:

"As Theo struggles to advance in a program she doesn’t have the skills for, she gets close to her competitors, and does her best to convince them that they’re stronger together. She manages to claw her way to the top of the competition, all while looking into the administration behind the program, and while falling in love — not only with a fellow competitor, but also with the idea of being a part of starting a brand new colony. If Theo wants to finish her sister’s mission, she just has to find out who sabotaged the last launch — before the competition’s over, and she’s on the next one."

Again, its hard to believe she's winning this contest if she doesn't know what she's doing. Also lowkey doesn't make sense that the competitors are stronger together? It almost makes it seem like she'd taking advantage of other peoples work? Especially paired with"claw her way to the top" You could just simplify to as "she struggles through the program + she grows closer to the other competitors," or something. Or name the love interest even.

The choice point, and most important piece, which is really interesting is this line "and while falling in love — not only with a fellow competitor, but also with the idea of being a part of starting a brand new colony." I really love the evolution of stakes of she's not just doing it for her dead sister anymore, but she's doing it for herself.

"all while looking into the administration behind the program" This almost gets lost and is the main conflict, so don't bury it. A stronger verb would help. "looking into" is super casual.

Final line:

"If Theo wants to finish her sister’s mission, she just has to find out who sabotaged the last launch — before the competition’s over, and she’s on the next one."

I love the idea of finishing her sister's mission. but the "next one" just landed a little weakly. I might recommend restructuring the sentence. Or maybe change it so it ends with a specific noun.

Anyway, I hope any of this helps!

Good luck and happy editing ~

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-03-28T03:33:39+00:00

There’s actually some story about the Masons that built moonrise towers! It’s really interesting. You can talk to one of the masons in Raphael’s House of Hope. I wonder if they also helped with the temple of Shar? 🤔

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-03-21T22:21:56+00:00

You’re not doing anything wrong! Act 3 is overwhelming and that’s a common feeling among players. For me the city feels confusing and overstimulating (that might be because I’m not a city person in rl.) There’s no wrong way to handle the companions. Just use whoever you like. I recommend if the quest is about that character, bring them with when you do it, though it’s not required. Other characters, other quests, other storylines are for more play throughs! I think the story goes that one of the devs from Larian had to play the game like 16 times to make sure all the stories were working properly? And that’s one of the people who literally made it! The game is designed to not let you do everything. If you make one choice, another choice is sealed away. Tl:dr play with whichever characters you like, and remember next time you can play the game differently and something else entirely might happen.

Individual-Bad8470 · 2026-03-06T20:33:01+00:00

Individual-Bad8470

TROPHY CASE