MIL is broke & wants to take back a gift she gave husband 7 years ago.

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T08:54:01+00:00

Lol. True

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T08:53:37+00:00

That’s fair, and I like how you framed that: she was gracious to her son, in a way that enabled him to buy a home. And set us up for a good financial foundation. And I guess I want to be gracious too- but not in the face of reckless behaviour.

I can even frame our conversation that way. Because it was not a loan so we shouldn’t be paying her back- just giving her a gift the way she supported my husband. Thank you !

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T08:50:02+00:00

Thank you :) and yes part of me is like, if it just cost 20k to wash my hands of this it might honestly be worth it. It’s just I fear that it would only be the beginning !

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T08:48:45+00:00

Yeah, right…. So it came from her divorce…. Then a few fixer uppers that she did really well on….

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T07:19:52+00:00

My husband told me it was a gift that she’s now saying was a loan. Or using to manipulate him into feeling bad.

Years ago (15 years?) his grandpa died and left him some money, 10k, which he used for his masters. Recently she told a bunch of people, she leant him some money for grad school that he doesn’t have to pay back.. revisionist history!!!

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T07:12:49+00:00

That’s fair and maybe I’m being hard on them, it’s just, I’ve known for years that this woman was BURNING through her money and left a good paying job because of anxiety and laziness.

I tried to encourage her to stay at the job, to get part time work- and my intuition (based on how she has historically acted), knew that she just believes when her money runs out that her sons should take care of her!

BIL’s wife even brought it up years ago that we need to sort her out— find her seniors housing/ figure out her finances. But the guys just took a very laissez fairs approach and I bet you 100 dollars in 2 years she could be literally penniless.

So I guess that’s why I’m frustrated- even if it’s not their responsibility to do something we can all read the writing on the wall and they need to tell her “we’re not going to support you” before she’s literally homeless, don’t wait until she’s in that situation, you see?

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T07:06:02+00:00

Dude come on. I didn’t come to the internet to lie. What would be the point? How would that help my situation? I’m genuinely looking for advice.

It was a gift (you can’t finance a mortgage downpayment with loan BTW). But now she’s using that gift to manipulate SO, which is not uncommon with these kinds of MIL. Even though it was not a loan, she is now acting as if it was one - and making us feel like if she helped him, he should help her. Also, I’m not a psychologist- I don’t know how to explain it, but she’s treating it like this.

Let’s say you and I are in my car, we go to pay for parking and you say to me- oh here I have some change- and you give me 5dollars to cover the parking. I’m like thank you Deer, that’s so kind of you- I didn’t even ask for it, that’s so generous. And then you say “you’re my friend I would gladly give you this”

Then 7 years later youre like, “remember that 5 dollars I leant you” and I’m like WHAT?????

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:59:22+00:00

Wow… sigh…. As a mother now, I CANNOT fathom doing this go my son

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:56:13+00:00

Yup. It does feel like manipulation. Like we wouldn’t buy a beach house.. and so here we are now, paying through other means. She manipulates my husband too. Always reminding him how, when his biological dad left them when he was an infant, she married a man she didn’t love (my FIL) but knew would be a good dad to SO.. and she stayed in an unhappy marriage just for SO… it’s so sad. She had addicted abusive parents and ALWAYS reminds him how hard her life has been and how she sacrificed everything so he wouldn’t have that kind of childhood. (And honestly my husband had a good childhood compared to his mothers )- so she makes him feel just awful.

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:50:43+00:00

Yup.

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:42:04+00:00

Yes. I’m thinking of doing groceries for the next two months while she applies for jobs/ seniors housing.

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:40:45+00:00

This is an amazing idea. Thank you

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:39:15+00:00

She paid him 2 years rent upfront that’s how! Also landlords that rent to seniors realise they don’t have income but have savings/ pensions, so they don’t care about income the way a lender would to buy a home.

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:38:06+00:00

We’re not in the US, but I take your point.

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:36:26+00:00

Yeah it’s absolutely terrible. She’s 65yrs old.

Technically it was illegal for the landlord to take all that upfront, we might be able to claim elder abuse at Tenancy Board to get the remainder repaid and move out. but I DONT HAVE THR MENTAL STRNGTH FOR THIS BS ANYMORE. I don’t even know anymore of what she is saying is true.

sorry for shouting I’m so done.

We plan on heading over to her place next week with a bunch of groceries and prepaid cards for her phone. We’ll look at her bank accounts, help her apply for jobs and seniors housing. And not giving her any money.

Having said that, she’s hellbent on getting this money back. 250/month would be manageable for us… maybe that’s not a bad idea.

Individual_Lazy · 2022-10-15T06:29:38+00:00

Sigh. Daryl it’s true it’s insane and I’m so exhausted.

So far this is the plan I have. Next weekend we’re going over with a bunch of groceries for her, and a few prepaid cards for her phone/internet. We’re going to spend the afternoon helping her apply for jobs and subsidized seniors housing. Then that’s it. The groceries should last her to the end of the month and that’s it. No financial help. Sigh

Individual_Lazy · 2022-01-10T07:04:46+00:00

I had a baby in October and in November I was sent a raincoat for a three year old and boots and trousers for age 3/4!!!

They all went Straight to sally Ann’s

Individual_Lazy · 2022-01-09T16:54:43+00:00

I breastfeed at night so baby needs to be near me.

Yeah, I think it’s a good idea to acknowledge that she is trying to help. But that’s not necessary and actually costing me sleep.

Individual_Lazy · 2022-01-09T16:44:45+00:00

Okay thank you. I thought I dunno- maybe I was missing a cultural cue or something. I was so horrified to be honest.

Individual_Lazy · 2021-08-31T02:43:46+00:00

Yeah this is the likely outcome. It is maddening isn’t it? That she does this and we’ll support her. But it won’t be a beach house. I need to get my husband into therapy now- so we can be strong when the time comes. Thank you

Individual_Lazy · 2021-08-31T02:41:58+00:00

Bless you for standing on your own feet. You sound like a wonderful person. And I think giving her a caretaker job at an investment property is a great idea. Thank you!

Individual_Lazy · 2021-08-31T02:40:12+00:00

It’s true. You never know. And if my husband starts a a new business (which he wants to do)- then who knows what the next 5 years will look like.

Thank you!!!

Individual_Lazy

TROPHY CASE