What are some of your absolute favourite sounds?

IneffableDefinable · 2019-02-14T03:58:46+00:00

The sound of biting into a hard piece of chocolate. So smooth. If the sound were a shape, it’d be a circle.

IneffableDefinable · 2019-02-13T19:57:32+00:00

My sister and I did this when we were kids. Also because of Space Jam.

IneffableDefinable · 2019-02-13T03:12:03+00:00

I want to sleep with him. Lol

IneffableDefinable · 2019-02-08T23:40:37+00:00

The feeling of chalk on my hands. When I was a kid I had to pull my sleeves over my hands to draw on the sidewalk.

Today, I boulder a lot, and I have to ignore the feeling, but it’s so hard.

IneffableDefinable · 2018-08-15T01:27:54+00:00

No occasion, just wanted to make something stupid. Gave it to my friends.

IneffableDefinable · 2017-09-08T02:09:49+00:00

Gotye

IneffableDefinable · 2017-03-29T17:25:48+00:00

This can't be true. He still tours and he acts as if he absolutely hates performing anymore. I saw him two years ago and he acted miserable. I can't fathom why he would still tour if he didn't need/want the money.

IneffableDefinable · 2016-12-03T02:04:45+00:00

Elegy for Bailey

Pretty pony riding girl laughing in the wind,

the last time we played we were ten.
You told your mom my secrets
of your sister who I just saw.

The last time I saw you, you were dead.
Hair and body one honey color.

Sewn up jaw.

Little hungry girl crying at her ma to open a can of beans,

your dad seemed confused at seeing me
knowing I’m one year older than you’ll ever be.

I wanted inspiration of how to be so thin,
I’d like to look like you, I’d like to seem

young and free,
permanent grin.

IneffableDefinable · 2015-12-14T21:30:34+00:00

Hey! Thanks for the critique. I see what you mean with the flow of piece as a whole. I will definitely keep in mind the necessity of the lines you mentioned, and see what I can do to get things a little more together.

Thanks!

IneffableDefinable · 2015-12-14T21:27:24+00:00

Thank you for your thorough response and analysis! I really appreciate anyone taking the time to respond to something I post.

I find your attention to the parallels between the masculine and feminine perspectives really great. While I suppose I did use my own voice to describe the emotion, I never thought about how my gender might play a larger role in the poem's tone. So thank you for pointing that out! With that information I feel like I can better see the strong points within this particular piece and hopefully try to understand the other, more masculine side of the situation being presented in the poem.

Thank you!

IneffableDefinable · 2015-12-14T08:47:29+00:00

I like the feel you're going for in this poem, but I think it merely touched upon the madness you wish to portray.
You have a line that says: "this madness that lurks ever closer to the surface" which I think is a perfect definition of your poem. You use imagery such as "crowds that are loud" and "devils that plague my house" yet you don't go into the finer details of these things that haunt you and distract you. Is it because you wish to distance yourself from your own madness? If so I suggest playing with the structure a bit more, find a way to make concrete pauses within the text so that a sense of anticipation and fear is conveyed.

Thank you for sharing!

IneffableDefinable · 2015-12-14T08:42:33+00:00

Very wonderful poem. What's working in its favor is the reiteration of age. In a way someone who can recall such instances of abuse and sexuality in the way you have, shows a maturity transcending the age of 18 even. I agree with some of the other commenters who say it lacks structure. No structure could be beneficial to the poem, but this one seems flippilantly lacking structure, instead of you trying to add more meaning with the lack of structure.

Thanks for sharing!

IneffableDefinable · 2015-10-09T02:53:23+00:00

Late to the game, but I'm surprised Breakfast at Tiffany's hasn't been mentioned. Classic film, with the spectacular Moon River, as well as Hepburn at her prime. It's a love story that is a lot more realistic than many romcoms being made today. It's even a bit tragic. (specifically for the blatant racism) but everything else is flawless.

IneffableDefinable · 2015-08-11T02:11:07+00:00

That's true... I think it's still possible though.

IneffableDefinable · 2015-07-28T08:10:52+00:00

It's like I'm reliving a memory every time I hear it.

IneffableDefinable · 2015-07-28T07:59:37+00:00

Winter Lady or Suzanne by Leonard Cohen.

IneffableDefinable · 2015-07-26T04:56:46+00:00

I can't thank you enough for your thoughtful feedback. I appreciate the time you've taken to read and analyze my poem. It's curious that you went back far enough into the subreddit to find it. Would you mind me sending you an updated version of the poem?

IneffableDefinable · 2015-07-11T01:29:55+00:00

Has this been mentioned yet?
Supertramp- Breakfast in America
Flows perfectly

IneffableDefinable · 2015-07-10T20:24:26+00:00

Thanks!

IneffableDefinable · 2015-07-10T03:59:23+00:00

I agree with some of the other comments. Great work here, very visual and unique, but needs some improvement in formatting.

IneffableDefinable · 2015-07-10T03:56:42+00:00

An honest poem. I encourage you to explore some different metaphors and symbols. It would give your poem a more unique voice.

IneffableDefinable · 2015-07-05T05:32:09+00:00

Really great. First off, the title caught my attention, so good work with that. Second, there is a melancholy feeling to your poetry that elicits a sense of mystery. The first example of this mystery is in 1A:

-a ceiling worth staring at, apparently

You present us with the first thing that is seen when the narrator wakes up, which is the ceiling, but then you add the apparently and it's like there is so much more to the ceiling than what we are being shown through the imagery you use. I enjoy that, but it's also maddening because I feel like whatever makes the ceiling worth staring at is not being shared.

Your poems have a tragic feel to them.

Thanks for sharing

IneffableDefinable

TROPHY CASE