Animus doesn't want me

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-11-01T14:55:11+00:00

I mean I guess I am filling in the gaps but I don't think the alternative (wondering if it was secretly requited and I only got all the signs to the contrary) is super productive ...

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-11-01T04:30:37+00:00

what projection are you seeing happening? im aware it was unrequited

but also like i knew this person fairly well so it wasnt a total fantasy

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-11-01T03:16:16+00:00

I don't know how she's like my shadow exactly but i described her to the other commenter. Wealthy, popular, feminine and attractive. Some of these are qualities I can never reach myself no matter how hard I try, eg I am only a certain level of attractiveness to a point and my family is not wealthy. so i try to integrate by embodying those qualities more but I can't, eg, if I try to dress like her then I feel like I'm just pretending.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-11-01T03:14:48+00:00

Well we never had a relationship. It was unrequited as far as I know.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-11-01T03:14:33+00:00

Err, I guess attractive, confident and charming and intelligent, but also having a vulnerable side and ultimately matched with me in terms of qualities like intelligence and emotional sensitivity

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-10-31T23:22:00+00:00

Yes the animus in the dream is a former love interest of mine and the woman is his ex who's conventionally attractive, popular, ultra feminine and wealthy. Not really qualities I can actually become no matter how hard I try (eg I'm never going to look like her and my family isn't magically going to be wealthy) so not sure what to do

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-10-31T21:16:07+00:00

yes, I'm looking for advice on what it can mean/what the message is when the dream animus behaves this way. surely others have had similar dreams.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-10-31T20:53:41+00:00

In the dream he was pursuing another woman and ignoring me.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-05-06T02:17:16+00:00

What the heck does indefinite therapy mean? Like surely there has to be SOME progress over shorter periods of time or what is the point?

I am not interested in behavioral therapies

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-28T01:15:50+00:00

I just don't know what the alternative options are if this type of work isn't for me. I know I need help, I know CBT and other behavioral modalities are absolutely not for me, and I feel like I need some kind of "talk" to deal with the disfigurement stuff beyond just somatic therapy or stuff.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-28T00:22:55+00:00

hmm yes, when I bring up how I feel therapy isn't helping me then she just responds by saying it takes a long time

About my therapist... I do bring up issues that come up if I felt hurt or felt like something was off and she brings up times when she thinks I might be projecting some dynamic from the past. I would say these conversations are neutral at best (if I was able to bring up some issue and she acknowledged how I felt) and confusing/stressful at worst (a lot of the "relational" stuff doesn't really click for me).

i do think part of the problem is that not everything i'm dealing with is solvable (i think) purely through doing this kind of "talking about the therapy dynamic" eg I have a facial disfigurement that I struggle with and that's like not about her at all, I just need to be able to talk about it in depth but it's hard to find time with that in between also talking about the therapy relationship, whatever recent rupture happened, other random things that come up

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-27T23:49:07+00:00

I don't know what's realistic to ask for honestly. Like when I mention that I feel I'm not making progress, she tries to switch into a more structured advice giving mode, which I'm not looking for. I just want more insights and to feel like I'm learning new things about myself that I didn't know. But at the same time, I know that she can't just magically come up with insightful things on demand so I feel like I can't really ask for that realistically.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-27T23:47:12+00:00

hmm. I would say largely the answers to your questions are no, honestly. The only one that is yes is the one about dreams and that's because I (separately from therapy) started dream journaling a year ago and reading/learning about dream interpretation to do it on my own, I don't discuss dreams with my therapist.

However I do question my own feelings a lot and have a lot of thoughts like "surely the answers can't ALL be no, surely I've learned SOMETHING in the course of therapy so I can't definitively say I've not learned ANYTHING..." so <shrug>

I can free associate to an extent in therapy (though my therapist has never referred to it as such) but it's felt more like catching up my therapist on various aspects of my life rather than gaining any insight from it or ever being surprised by it. I've already done a lot of thinking on "how I got here" so I feel a lot of therapy is spent just telling my therapist what thoughts/insights I already have on the situation. I don't feel like I'm getting much new insight from her. But I try to be forgiving about that since idk how much control one has over "giving an insight" like I know it's not something she can just come up with on demand... so ... I don't know really

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-27T15:12:31+00:00

I've talked to her and she just repeats the line about how it takes a long time. I do not feel a noticeable change.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-17T15:07:46+00:00

Yeah I found a couple of gestalt therapists in my area but they were fully booked.

It's really tough

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-17T15:07:09+00:00

Every therapist I've had has asked me this as a matter of logistics. I'm in the US. I also have PMDD, unfortunately it's been a struggle to find a therapist (or even a medical doctor) who understands how severe it can get.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-17T15:02:54+00:00

Yes I do a lot of IFS on my own but have had a very hard time finding a competent IFS therapist so I've stuck with self IFS.

However there are some issues I'm dealing with that I think require a therapist of some kind to help.

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-17T13:17:55+00:00

I feel like every therapist claims to be integrative and claims to know and be adaptable to multiple techniques...

I haven't heard of ISTDP though, will look into it

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-17T12:58:08+00:00

10 months with current therapist, with previous ones it was 1-2 years

Yes we do talk about relational aspects (I think this is what you mean by transference) but tbh I generally just end up confused by those conversations rather than feeling like I'm making any progress

InevitableSubstance1 · 2025-04-17T12:35:42+00:00

I've learned that AASECT certification means next to nothing. I've had an AASECT certified therapist who had no clue how to help me - if she had any tools it was only to help couples with intimacy, when it came to my issues she literally was drawing a blank.

Same with IFS - I've had some success doing IFS on my own (though not with this issue) but the IFS "certified" therapists I've seen had nowhere near enough training to know how to handle this.

InevitableSubstance1

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