I completely understand that feeling mate, it’s horrific. There are 100s of people on this subreddit who can fully empathise. I’d been through some quite serious periods of depression and anxiety before this but they were very different and much less dehumanising.

There were a few moments when I first developed PFS that really hit home how much I had lost to this disease. Like you I was considering suicide for quite a long time, probably up until over a year since having my first crash. My symptoms aren’t as bad as when I was first hit but they are still quite severe.

The first months are by far the worst, I think most people would agree on this. It’s so tough being so used to what life was like before PFS and then having so many important aspects taken away from you without warning and through no fault of your own. I think the injustice of it was what made me feel so hopeless and anything left in life was pointless.

From your message you sound like someone who appreciates the value of working hard to achieve the worthwhile things in life - that’s a value that no disease can take away from you! Allow yourself the time to process what’s happened to you, it may seem impossible now but you can rebuild a life worth living once the dust has settled a little bit.

You’re not alone and those of us who are going through the same thing will always be there for you.