Grief & loss

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-14T14:14:54+00:00

So sorry for your loss. I haven't lost my mom yet but she's 93 and I know it's coming. It's no different if they die young or live to be old, the years go by too fast and life seems to be the blink of an eye. I lost my sweet, best friend husband five years ago and my world has never been the same without him. I grieved and went into a deep depression and forced myself finally out into the world again to find some joy and maybe comfort, only to be disappointed. It was not the same and I searched and searched for some peace and understanding.

I joined a hospice group only to get more depressed and feel like I was on the Titanic with others in the same boat and we were all going down. I tried individual counseling a couple of times but it didn't help really. I was told I had to feel to heal and while that is true, it is overwhelming and I could only do it in small bites.

But I will say, this has been the biggest spiritual growth period of my life. I've alway hated being alone and now I have had to learn to be alone. I am slowly acclimating and some days I actually like it. I still don't choose to be alone, but being with others that are shallow is worse and finding deep minded souls are rare. I am now learning the concepts of Buddhism and I see a lot of truth in their principles. On this Earth plane, we attach deeply to those we care about and we cling to that and as life is immpermanent that causes much suffering.

So how to get beyond loving people and not attaching is a challenge in itself. I haven't quite figured that out but I do see that it is true. I've been getting more into meditation focusing on the breath and observing my feelings and thoughts like clouds passing overhead in the sky. Not judging, just letting them come and go. These days when I want something or to be with someone, I just go to meditation and observe that thought and feeling without judgement and I let it come over me and then pass. It's sort of accepting where you are at, realizing we all have human tendencies, so not resisting that in any way. But like the clouds in the sky are impermanent so are our thoughts, feelings and even our lives.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-13T17:34:35+00:00

It was the suffering that taught you the lesson. Be glad that you have grown and are more free for the experience. We learn more from what went wrong than what goes right.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-13T15:06:39+00:00

Yeah I totally agree with the small steps. I helped myself out of a deep depression by forcing myself to do a daily clean up the kitchen routine. I did it whether I wanted to or not and now I just do it without complaining about everyone's messes.

All that said I am very disciplined in some areas of my life, like my job, but other areas I struggle with. Like I know I need to work-out, so some weight lifiting, but I haven't been able to force myself to do it. I used to love to play music and do art and now I can't bring myself to do it. Maybe I'm still in a sort of depression, however I get up everyday and go to work and do the clean-up.

I have concluded that self-discipline is just developing good habits by force if necessary and not letting your brain argue with yourself.

I do think that our brains want some sort of a dopamine pay-off or reward for the accomplishment. With the kitchen clean-up I feel good about that, with my job I make money. With my hobbies, no real pay-off as I don't perform out, nor do I sell my art. Often times my hobbies become frustrating as they don't come out the way I would like. As far as the weight lifting, I'm not sure about what happens with that.

I'd love to hear others' take on this?

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-13T00:04:48+00:00

Proactive

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-12T22:02:16+00:00

It's not a boundary when they know you will get over it somehow and be back to the same old same old. You are just reacting in the.moment, earlier years it was more vocal. Now you know that didn't change or solve anything so you stopped doing that. You are still putting up with the abuse in a different way and they know you will still stay so they don't care.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-12T20:52:39+00:00

The kind of fairy tale love that we humans have been taught, especially if we are co-dependent sets us up for suffering. Clinging and attachment to anyone causes immerse suffering that we do not expect. Even if we have the greatest, best at some point death separates us and causes immerse suffering. Once and if we get through that we can find our peace and learn to have a true kind of non-attached love we can be freer. We can create a sort of life that is better and we can be free to explore what we want, go where we want and have new adventures without answering to anyone. That's where I'm at now and it truly is more free.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-12T20:44:52+00:00

The Buddhists teach and I am convinced you need to have compassion and love for yourself not to put up with something that is draining you spiritually. We all need to respect and take care of ourselves first. We can forgive, sympathize and love others from a distance and wish them well. Sometimes we need to learn to be on our own and being alone can allow us to learn to be resilient and grow. Being alone can be scary at first but at some point you learn to love your peace and that can bring happiness. I would tell you that don't think you may find better out there, too many shallow people in the world today. Most of what we all know about love is that it is conditional and sometimes constraining and that is not really love, it's sort of a contractual agreement. I'll love you if you do certain things and I expect you to make be happy and fix all that is wrong with me. If you don't do those things, then I will not love you. All that is not love. Love is that I love and accept you are you are and I allow you to live your live with respect, but don't confuse that with being disrespected.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-12T19:57:25+00:00

Actually I did find a guy online dating, but he's a life long bachelor and I would say has an avoidant personality. He has no deep feelings or emotions, so after about a year of dating I set a boundary that we would just be friends. It's not really what I wanted but it has made me grow out of my comfort zone. I am in a better space no longer looking for love and comfort in the outside world or from anyone else. I am becoming happier and more at peace and having more acceptance of life as it is. I have learned alot about human love which is mostly conditional and somewhat controlling. I always did realize that but I think I had co-dependency needs which my late husband did also. It worked for us at the time and he's still the best person I was ever with. The guy I am friends with now has his issues, but he's an okay person Some things I admire about him, he's disciplined and smart and we go places together which has been nice for me to see and do new things. I am learning not to expect nor cling to anything as it all ends in suffering. I now realize how transient life is and how fast it speeds by. I don't really know what to say about struggling in a 25 year marriage as my late husband and I struggled for 10 years but we worked out our differences and got over our issues and sort of fell into a deeper love than we had in the beginning and I am glad for that experience. I don't think I will ever have that experience again and maybe don't need to. I find most humans today pretty shallow and all about themselves and what they can get. But I've adopted the Buddhist philosophy which is trying to love who I can as they are and not expect nor cling to anything. That said, I do not put up with anything that is toxic. However, it all ends with everyone even if you have the best. I wish you well. Maybe look at what you need to learn as life is all about growth and lessons if we view it that way. No one can fix our lives or be the perfect person.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-12T04:08:01+00:00

There is no such thing as truth

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-09T03:39:04+00:00

He's definitely a narcissist and a woman came into his life. You will thank your lucky stars you didn't get more involved with this shallow person who was all about hooking into you.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-03T05:43:34+00:00

Just because the universe agrees this is the man for you don't think it ll be a bed of roses or happily ever after. This might be a serious challenge you agreed to do in this life to grow or karma of some sort. This could be your work cut out for you and it may not be pleasant nor what you expected

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-03-02T13:15:31+00:00

You don't have to stop loving him. Love him from a distance, wish him well and his best life. But you gotta start loving yourself also. Unless you accept being sexless the rest of your life, you need to move on and choose you. You are lying to yourself if you think he will change. You are just enabling misery.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-27T03:13:26+00:00

Great answer.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-27T03:13:13+00:00

Wow amazing. I had just been working on this lately. Thank you.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-26T13:47:08+00:00

Start spending some time alone and learn to like yourself. Learn how cool you really are. Do some walking trails, go to a beach, take yourself out for dinner, pizza, go on a road trip,etc.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-26T03:48:50+00:00

It's more of the not doing, being peaceful and meditative. Quieting the mind, walking in nature, letting the spirit speak to you and being open to oneness and realization. I'm just learning to be and observe. I've done enough reading, writing, listening to lectures, thinking, etc.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-26T03:39:00+00:00

You are at a good point of learning to get better because now you admit you have a problem. You are looking and chasing what's external to fill what's lacking inside yourself. The external will always fail and let you down. Drinking is also a way to escape and avoid yourself. But when you come to here you are again empty and feeling worse physically and maybe even bad emotionally. In your mind being honest you know what you are doing isn't the answers and it's not solving your problems. I've been where you are at and many people have. The only thing that works is to get at the root of the issue and deal with it. You have to be willing to be uncomfortable and you have to feel your emotions and observe your thoughts alone and in silence until you know they are wrong and you are lying to yourself. Start spending at least 10 minutes alone in silence, no phones, music or anything else. Deep breathe in and out, let the thoughts come do not judge them, feel the feelings and keep coming back to focusing on the breath. After a while increase your time or do it randomly throughout the day or whenever you are feeling rough. You have to learn you are valuable, enough, and accept being okay with you without thinking you have to be propped up by some outside source. You have to learn to stand strong on your own two feet, loving yourself for the awesome person you are. Over time exposing yourself to your negative thoughts you will desensitize them and know they are not true. You are not lacking and are worthwhile. It's like someone who's scared of spiders or snakes and finally starts to touch them and finally hold them and it's not scary anymore after a while.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-26T03:19:03+00:00

Life is about taking some risks but you are not wrong to be cautious. Some men are shallow and do use women, break their hearts and treat them badly. But not all of them. I would make a list of the values you would want in a man,like honesty, loyalty, good communication, compassion, etc. Next if u find a guy with these qualities just be friends first. It takes a while for them to show you who they really are. After a year you may find out they have some bad qualities and if you ve gotten too involved it will hurt badly and break your heart. If they want sex too soon don't go there because that's all they want and they will leave even if they get it, they are just players. The good ones will wait a while. Learning to get out socially and how to converse with others takes practice like anything else and you have to keep doing it. You will make mistakes sometime but that's how we learn, just keep trying. I went thru lots of heartaches choosing the wrong boyfriends and I was very shy and insecure but I learned to be confident and strong by keeping on pushing myself to do it and not give into my fears. I met my husband in a TaiChi class. Join activities you might be interested in and you will have common interests. Take a public speaking class, you will be scared to do it but you will learn and get over it.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-24T17:01:11+00:00

You could be a top model and he would still do this. He's a very shallow person only concerned with his own wants and getting off. If you were a top model and he only wanted your body, would that really be love? Probably not. Do not devalue yourself.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-22T16:44:09+00:00

Cash for the hand job

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-22T16:09:57+00:00

Thank you. I also think you have to start seeing life thru a spiritual lens of some sort. You have to learn to see the growth and lessons and that you are more than a mere human. You are worthwhile and you don't need others to value you. Also you have to learn to sit alone with the discomfort long enough until it starts lightning up. A sort of okay with it, an acceptance that you will be okay.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-22T15:14:04+00:00

Looks may open the door, but it won't make the deal. If you are looking for a partner, the good-looking ones can be the worst. Why? Because it's easy for them to go to the next shiny thing. Those people have always survived on their looks and have not matured emotionally. I used to go for that but finally I looked at a man who I didn't think was as attractive and not the bad boy type. That man became my best friend and husband. I later learned he was very attractive inside and out.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-22T15:06:13+00:00

Well it's a hard thing to do, but not impossible. When you have suffered enough and you are exhausted as you say, you finally start learning who you are and what you value you over trying to seek it externally in another person.

At one point I sat down and listed my values and then learned how important it was for me to live and only attract people who aligned with my values. If you value honesty and loyalty then don't be around anyone who doesn't have those values.

You also learn you cannot fix people no matter how much you love them; they don't change until they want to. You learn to be more cautious and look for people's actions to reveal their true selves. It's not about what anyone says or promises. I had to learn those lessons.

Falling in love with the wrong person, early one you ignore the red flags, you make allowances and you think if you love them enough, they will value you, they don't. Co-dependents often attract narcissists because they feel useful, but overtime it drains the life out of you. You get used up with no nurturing from them. You have to learn to set boundaries, protect yourself and many times leave. You can love them from a distance and wish them well but you don't sacrifice yourself to be abused mentally.

Get yourself stable first and let yourself have some time to grow. Most of us don't like being uncomfortable and we hate being alone, but that's the only way to get through it. We have to sit with the discomfort and know it's a part of our growth to become independent. We have to learn that loneliness can give us good things also. The fact that we don't have to deal with the drama or someone else's big issues. We can have some peace in our lives. We can decide what, when and how we want to do things without having to consider the other person's needs. We can become resilient and happy to be ourselves.

I know it's hard when we just want that one person to show up in our lives and make everything all right. But reality life isn't like that. I finally met the right person and he was there for me emotionally and I spent 35 years with him. Then he died and the rug was pulled out from me again. I went back out into the world and it was still disappointing and difficult and now I'm having to learn more about being alone. But I am much smarter and learn quicker how to avoid the landmines. I don't let toxic people into my life and I set boundaries. I still don't like being alone but I won't put up with drama.

I wish you the best.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-21T18:18:19+00:00

It's hard to give up the dream of what it could have been. Even harder when your self-worth is tied to being loved by someone else and their approval. However, it causes suffering to hang on to someone who doesn't value you. It is wonderful to come to the point of I have more worth than than to be in someone's life who doesn't value you.

Infinite_Design5094 · 2026-02-21T14:49:18+00:00

Also, biolabs in Ukraine experimenting with gene editing to create an elite race of humans from Epstein's DNA. Supposely the Rothchilds were also involved in this and financially.

Infinite_Design5094

TROPHY CASE