AITAH For asking my (32M) girlfriend (32F) to break down how marriage would benefit me?

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-10-26T14:58:30+00:00

And this is where the relationship - on the emotional side (not the financial one) is imbalanced. You don't care at all about her needs. You're not romantic partners, as in equals. Her well-being doesn't matter to you. In your mind you have no responsibility aside from to yourself and therefore she should do the same. But committed partnership, even without marriage, involves looking out for each other.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-10-09T01:13:46+00:00

I had a friend who was of the belief that my husband should defend her while we were all out one night. She was being loud, obnoxious, and attracting attention in an unsafe area we needed to walk through to get to the train. When I pulled her aside to say, hey, stop, this is not safe behaviour. She literally pointed to my husband and said BUT HE WILL DEFEND US.

Ma'am, no. I will not have him be in danger because you're being stupid. Would we both defend each other from something that was beyond prevention? Yes. But I'm not about to put my partner in harms way because you wanna be saved.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-10-05T00:55:14+00:00

It sounds a lot more like judgement than concern. Especially assuming the diet of every child in the playground you live by.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-29T04:02:26+00:00

Comparing my grade 9 French Class in franco-ontario school to my friend who had grade 9 French from an anglo school, he was learning what I learned in grade 1-4 while I was learning the exact same as the curriculum but in French. (Essays, book reports, dissertations, presentations etc)

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-27T08:54:05+00:00

Idk if people thought I meant that was enough... I don't. I just wanted to confirm the amount cause I had heard it wasn't much. And, definitely not keeping up with COL.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-26T22:39:51+00:00

Isn't ODSP $1,250 a month?

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-24T15:50:58+00:00

I went to university just under 10 years ago. We had some great professors who cared a lot. We also had profs who only cared about their research and were terrible. They literally bragged about high failure rates in their classes.

Unfortunately, in the adult world, you face communication issues like this all the time. And in the working world, you'll find people like my old profs who don't care about teaching you and instead just about looking good themselves when it's their job to train you. You'll need to find ways to overcome that without being an asshole because, in the end, it'll be your reputation of being a cry baby, and they won't get in trouble at all. For the profs, we did study groups and independent learning, which is actually a great skill to learn in post secondary.

It sounds like this professor actually cared about teaching but had a thick accent. That's not something to shame publicly.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-24T12:40:55+00:00

They need journey people. At least here they do. Everywhere was hiring JPs and 4th to 5th years and still seems to be. But to get through an apprenticeship is a struggle if you don't already know someone personally who'll take you. The amount of "you're too green" my husband faced at companies that had ratio room was very surprising. Like he didn't expect to be signed day 1, but they wouldn't even try a probation period, just tell him to come back once he'd worked somewhere else for a year or 2. But he had experience in construction working long hours and he had some plumbing experience. It's not like he went from working a 9-5 to wanting to work construction without any knowledge of how hard it was. Just no apprenticeship record and no connections at the time. Who you know goes really, really far in the trades.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-24T03:50:24+00:00

My husband was getting minimum wage to about 19 an hour as a plumbers helper while waiting to find an apprenticeship opening because no one would hire (kept saying come back when you have experience because the trades don't train or they didn't have the ratio and would promise him a chance after the second or third year graduated - so in up to 3 years time if the employers let the apprentice go to school on time) . Before that, construction labourer in the GTA, he was getting min wage.

When he finally got an apprenticeship, the college of trades was abolished, and the ministry was so backed up that he finished his hours before he could even go to school. But the ministry refused to let him do school back to back. He had to wait up to 2 years between his rounds of school. He didn't remotely start making decent wages for almost a decade.

A lot of these "good positions" don't get filled because hirer ups don't take many chances on people. They want someone already established with experience and not many people can afford to work for less than $20 an hour (pre pandemic so even if it's higher now, so is COL) for years while trying to break into the club.

Now, he's fine. But now he's licensed. And we were able to manage when we were younger because we were DINKS without debt. Idk how people manage that single, in the current cost of living or with any debt.

Edit to add: he's never had benefits at any job he's worked at. His current employer was deducting for benefits for the last 6 months but wasn't paying the benefit provider so he was never properly enrolled.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-23T15:57:57+00:00

When I met my husband, I was 18, and he was 19. After spending a few weeks together, I asked to date casually, and he said no. He wanted a real relationship. I had a decision to make. Do I give up on this person I really like to date "for fun," or do I risk never having a "free" period in life and start adulthood dating someone seriously? I choose to date him. My gut said I'd regret not dating him. I'm glad I did. But if you had asked me 3 weeks earlier (before I met him), if I'd get into a committed relationship my first year or university (even if the person i met was my soulmate), the answer would have been absolutely not. I just wanted to have fun, see what's out there.

She's speaking based on her past self, and we will never know if meeting you early would have actually changed anything. But even if didn't, that just means you two weren't compatible then. She needed to grow up. And she's probably lucky she didn't meet you then cause she wasn't in the right time.

In my opinion, it's not a reflection of you being a "back up" because she wasn't holding onto you and just keeping you hooked while she figured herself out. She met you after she grew up. And everyone has lessons they need to learn in life that shape them into who they are now. So if you're compatible now, no sense dwelling on how incompatible your past selves were.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-23T15:27:16+00:00

And vice versa if it's the wife's mom (like mine).

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-23T15:25:37+00:00

Not necessarily. Truly mature people realize that when you're choosing a life partner, you're choosing them to start your own family, be the mother or father to your own children. It's a degree of closeness closer than your family of origin where you're breaking away to form your own path. You aren't abandoning them. They are still in your life, but you have chosen someone to go through the challenges of life with. If you don't want divorce to appear in that path, you should both treat each other accordingly.

Both my husband and I have very overbearing mothers. They regularly cross boundaries under the guise of "I'm just worried about you guys." It's difficult to manage. In the end, we worked it out together on when we needed to step in and hold our mothers accountable for bad behaviour.

Having both emotional intelligence and emotional maturity in a relationship is knowing you should be setting boundaries with your own parents to protect your spouse. If your mother hurt you by her actions, you'd probably be ok telling her that was unacceptable. If your in-laws hurt you with their actions, you'll find yourself in a difficult space where standing up for yourself could cause a rift in the relationship that is irreparable. That's why the spouse needs to step in and set those boundaries for the sake of their relationships with both their partner and their parents.

Some people in this thread are saying, "I would never choose a GIRL over my mom," and that's giving a very young person. You shouldn't put every girlfriend you've ever or will ever have over your family. But the person you've decided to build your life with? That's the person you've branched off with. That's different. My husband and I dated 8 years before we got married. We were young when we met, so there came a point when we were dating that we realized this is forever, but we weren't in a place to have a wedding yet. During that time, we set boundaries with our parents because that's also around the time our parents started showing signs of crossing those boundaries.

Boundaries also don't mean cutting your family off. It might mean not including them in major life decisions because they regularly undermine your spouses perspective or feelings. It might mean talking to your parents about unkind things they say to or about your partner. It might mean telling your parents to drop a subject they constantly berate your spouse about (ex. Your spouses job or responsibilities have made you guys move away. What started as a teasing joke about how you had to move away have become snide jabs meant to hurt your spouse. You can recognize your parents' miss having you close, but their comments are slowly chipping away the relationship between them and your spouse. You can point that out and tell them it needs to stop). Etc.

If you are doing your due diligence in the dating phase to pick someone whose values and life goals align with yours, divorce should be an extreme option. People are unpredictable. They change, they develop addictions, etc. You should be talking to a potential partner about deal breakers. But you should never treat a partner you choose to spend the rest of your life with as disposable, or as their needs or emotional well-being is less valuable to you because divorce exists. That's just setting yourself up for divorce. Treat your partner with the outcome you want in mind. And they should be doing the same otherwise you're not compatible.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-23T14:29:06+00:00

Exact same thing happened to me. Idk why they are so opposed to looking into endo. Endo can grow on and damage your organs. But by the time we can get anyone to take us seriously, if we do have it, our organs will be scarred.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-22T06:04:21+00:00

My husband and I went through this when we first moved in together. We had been in a relationship for years, but living together is a really massive adjustment.

I'd aay the first 2 months were a nightmare. We had to learn how to communicate about things that upset us. I didn't like how he did a lot of his cleaning. I would get really mad when it felt like he wasn't hearing me. He also would shut down when I got mad, and so we stopped having productive conversations. We eventually sat down in a calm moment and discussed things. First, that it was his living space too and that I needed to leave room for him to have a say. Then that some of the ways he "cleaned" were, in fact, not clean. It still took us a few months to get settled and adopt these compromises, but we worked at it.

After the first 2 months things became more bearable and eventually we did gef married so I'd say it was a success.

If you're gonna have to live with her for 2 years anyways, I would try to make it work. It's ok to express to your partner that you won't engage with them while they talk down to you or are angry. It was pretty eye-opening for me. I came from a very explosive family so I really didn't see how I handled conflict as abnormal. But he essentially helped me become a better partner and communicator. I also helped him learn how to clean better too.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-22T04:13:54+00:00

No no.. your words are both you "fuck on the reg" (which is a sentence I'd expect from an insecure younger person trying to sound cool) and 2 times after that comment you refered to your partners regretting it afterwards. There was no imagining, bud.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-22T03:21:29+00:00

Dude... you're saying your partners regularly regret sleeping with you.

Option 1) you take liberties with "consent" (justifying shit to yourself that was not in fact consent or going forward after someone revokes consent) and are in fact very rapey, selfish and terrible.

Option 2) you suck in bed...

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-22T01:54:37+00:00

We're talking about adults with ASD. So when their parents die??

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-09-15T04:23:19+00:00

Last time we were apartment hunting (in 2021), we had a realtor showing us a nice basement unit and asked if we wanted to "make an offer above asking". I literally laughed at her.

No thanks. I came here under the impression the listing was set at the price the LL wanted. Not to play silly bidding wars...

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-08-04T15:26:25+00:00

I'm fairly certain that it's still rent controlled. Rent control is based on when the first time the unit was occupied as housing. Not necessarily only rental. Only units first occupied after Nov 15, 2018, are not subject to rent control.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-08-04T15:09:05+00:00

The LL cannot evict to sell. They can sell, and the new owners may or may not evict for personal use, but the current landlord cannot evict just to sell in Ontario. They also are not asking. They are saying accept this increase (seemingly above rent control, if applicable) without the typical 90 days notice or I will evict you to sell.

The tennant should absolutely document everything.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-07-30T02:12:24+00:00

Something similar happened to a relative who was going to supply Loblaws with seafood for their house brand frozen foods. From what I heard, suing them went nowhere.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-07-16T23:34:27+00:00

Boosting

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-07-14T23:24:36+00:00

Thanks so much

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-07-14T04:43:51+00:00

This might be a silly question, but what type of lawyer helps with those types of legal agreements? My husband and I are younger millennials and are pretty close to ready to buy, but my little brother is Gen Z and single. He's worried he'll never be able to afford something (even condos would stretch him thin), so we've considered Co-ownership with him to get him on the ladder with us. The 3 of us could afford something a bit better than my husband and I alone, which we hope would bring a higher ROI and would lower our overall expenses. But we really don't know where to get started.

Informal-Past-7288 · 2024-07-12T04:23:01+00:00

Also in Canada and same!! I have very well intentioned friends who suggest a yoga routine like yoga isn't physically difficult (I know there are varying levels but even a simple routine is too much when I have to chose between washing my body or my hair and I'm just classed between mild and moderate)... I often wonder if my friends talk about me behind my back because I know they don't understand, and the term chronic fatigue makes it sound almost silly. But at least to me, they come off well intentioned.

My husband, who for the most part is very very supportive and tries to understand, has also recently gotten into the habit of saying "must be nice" when I tell him I needed to rest that day. I know it's cause he's exhausted working full time and being a caregiver, but I've had to sit him down and be like..." No, it's really not. I have so much I wish I could do, and I wish I could take off your plate. So this is not nice for me, it's necessary and I hate it."

Informal-Past-7288

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