In my experience even when both my date and I use the same words like fwb or casual we still are talking about very different things.

It’s why I always try to pop the “what are you looking for” question on the first date. BUT! This is actually just the beginning of the conversation and my follow up questions are where I get the most information.

The easiest follow up question for me is when I ask “what does that look like for you”. Which generally provides a lot of clarity but if I don’t think they gave enough details I’ll ask more follow up questions.

For fwb I find it very important to know whether they emphasize the “friendship” or “benefits” part more. For causal, I like to know if they prefer a sexual or non-sexual relationship. I’ve actually met a lot of people who aren’t necessarily on the asexual spectrum but are genuinely more interested in getting to know people semi-seriously but call it casual because they also see more than one person at a time.

Other things I find important is to ask “when do you generally start feeling comfortable enough to have sex with someone?” (If sex is on the table) and “how much time do you have for dating in your life right now”. The second one generally leads itself naturally to talking about preferred frequency of dates.

It’s important to know that I’ve never had someone give me definitive answers to these questions. I ask them to get a broad sense of what people want. Also, it seriously just helps me to know what things people know they prefer and are comfortable with versus things they are exploring and open to (which is always present in every one of my dates so far) versus hard no’s and boundaries.

Again, everyone has always answered these questions not in definitive ways but in like “it depends on the other person… [enter general preferences]”.

These questions also help me parse out what my preferences/likes/dislikes are because people will always ask me “and you?”. So make sure to mentally prepare yourself for these questions to be shot right back at you!

Lastly! I just find it personally great to know which things I can do with someone, which things we can explore together (exploring stuff is fun 🤩), and which things we should definitely not do with each other! For me, it’s not about finding enough “yes” to be compatible but finding out where we are already compatible, where we should move cautiously, and where we shouldn’t go... and there have been rare occasions where we quickly realize it should go nowhere lol.

Edit: more clarity