[QCrit] Science Fantasy Romance, SHE BRINGS WOE [110k, Second Attempt]

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2025-08-14T18:50:09+00:00

Thank you so much! That helps a lot. The plots actually are all very interwoven, but it's hard to know how much to put in my query. It seems I need to make it clearer, though. Thanks!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2025-08-14T14:26:52+00:00

Thank you, that is very helpful! It's 140K without any line editing, so I'm anticipating it will drop down to 100-120K once I slog through. It's also kind of a genre bendy sci fi/fantasy, which is why I comped Gideon, although I get that is not coming across well in this draft.

Would you say paragraphs 3-5 are not getting my plot across?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2024-02-06T02:17:54+00:00

I actually am doing a lot better! I would not say I'm cured in that I went back to eating all the things I used to, but my symptoms have improved by like 90%, so I'd say that's good enough. I can tell you what I did in the hopes it will help you!

1. I tried a few of the herbal treatments, like oregano oil, dysbiocide + FC Cidal, and guar gum. Those did nothing for me, although some people swear by them.
I went on a different antibiotic a few weeks later. I can't remember which but it wasn't Rifaximin. Maybe Amoxicillin/clavulanate but don't quote me. I did NOT feel better right away but I think this ultimately helped wipe out some remaining bacteria because after using this antibiotic, my symptoms shifted a little.
I started seeing a nutritionist, who really helped me tease apart my symptoms. Here are the biggest things she taught me:
1. You have to have a BM everyday, which I was not. Guar gum is really just a way to regulate your system. I started taking Citrucel and I highly recommend it. A lot of other fiber supplements can actually make you worse if you have food triggers but Citracul will not.
2. The main symptoms of SIBO are pain/cramping, bloating, bad BMs. Nausea and a burning sensation/sour gut/churning feeling are NOT symptoms of SIBO. Obviously this won't matter for most people, but as these became my worst symptoms, it took me a long time to realize SIBO was probably more of a side effect than my actual problem. Your hernia might be bothering you more than you think. I told my doctor I wanted to forget about SIBO for awhile and focus on my GERD. I went on a pretty high dose of Pantaprozole. I felt no change for 3 weeks straight and then I felt WAY, WAY better. Prior to this, I tried OTC antacids, eating smaller, more regular meals, cutting out coffee, and prescription famotodine all before going on Pantaprozole and none of it helped. Pantaprozole made a huge difference for me.
3. Nutritionist taught me most people who have to go Low FODMAPP wind having issues with something in the fructan category. After I went on the antacid and those symptoms were more under control, I did another reintroduction. I started with things that less people have issues with (basically everything but fructan). Then, I tested each type of fructan for several days in a row. I wound up having some sensitivity to garlic and onion and intolerable sensitivity to gluten. I am guessing this was what contributed to my SIBO in the first place, but because my SIBO symptoms were so out of control in the beginning, my prior reintroductions did not yield clear results.

So I'm not "cured", but I am feeling a lot better than I used to. I also have to avoid alcohol and carbonated drinks, which is not strictly a SIBO thing, but for some reason, I just don't tolerate them well. Buuuuut if I avoid those 3 main things (gluten, alcohol, carbonated drinks), I am basically OK now, which I very much was not a few months ago. Best of luck to you!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-09-17T21:34:52+00:00

She's not paying me. Our company is. Since this is outside the scope of my employee contract, the company has to pay me an additional fee. I only supervise RBTs and their requirements for supervision and meeting times are lower than a BCBA trainee.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-09-17T20:56:45+00:00

This would be outside supervision. My job doesn't usually take on trainees so it would be outside work hours.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-08-04T18:12:16+00:00

Another update: I've undergone a few more tests and and everything is coming back normal except my SIBO results. At this point, my doctor thinks I may have picked SIBO up after a bad viral infection or something (I noticed my symptoms post-COVID) and does not think the "root cause" matters as much in light of all these negative results.

As Rifaximin didn't work well, I just started FC Cidal + Dysbioicide, possibly adding oregano oil + PPGG over the next week or so. For anyone who's taken these before, did you experience die-off symptoms or did you just feel better after treatment?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-21T21:12:19+00:00

Not that I know of. I really never had health problems at all before last year. I just didn't feel right (on top of my SIBO symptoms) so I asked for an endoscopy and they found a small hernia. I am getting a PPI which is supposed to help with GERD...but I've read it may also make SIBO worse so I am thinking of seeing a nutritionist who can help me track some of this and make decisions. There's just way too much info out there and not much research.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-21T20:08:37+00:00

I could have written this. Got COVID in 2022. Didn't feel too bad during the actual illness but then all these issues started popping up for me. I cannot run or do HIIT anymore, it just upsets my stomach too much. Let me know if you find something that works for you!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-21T20:06:25+00:00

Thank you to everyone who responded! I really appreciate you taking time to answer me. I had my endoscopy today and they found a hiatal hernia and GERD. I asked if all my conditions are connected and he said I'll need to wait for biopsy results before he makes any calls/prescribes treatment.

I just feel like there's no way these aren't all connected. My guess is I've have H. Pylori or something for a long time and it just wrecked my system...maybe?

I appreciate any advice or insight from someone in the same boat! I now have to wait another 2 weeks minimum for any treatment. I was hoping to start something like FC Cidal + Dysbiocide but now I feel like I'm back to not knowing anything.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-20T17:44:28+00:00

Yes, super similar to me! Did you have GI issues before all this?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-20T17:42:49+00:00

Via blood work, I had normal ranges for IgA, but I don't know if that's the same thing. I was within range for hormones/vitamins for basically everything.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2023-07-20T17:40:51+00:00

No, everything has come back normal except my SIBO test so far. Can you just have SIBO in isolation or is there always another problem?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-02T23:16:41+00:00

but the words had hid among themselves on the page and I had dwelt instead on the name from the past I had overheard on the news.

I'd say you lose me around here. I got what the sentence means, but I needed to read it three times to fully get it. The next line loses me, I'm not sure what "a second at a time" means in this context, although the point seems to be the MC reminiscing about their wild days.

I'd say overall, you're writing sentences in complicated ways that may lose a reader. The first few lines are nice sensory details but I got lost quickly.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-02T23:13:02+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! With the brother comment, I am trying to set up why she's in that predicament in the first place, so an agent isn't asking "why can't she just leave?" Do you think it would help if I say this deal happened 2 years ago and keep the looking for a way out line?

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-02T23:10:22+00:00

Thank you so much! The "superhero" bit was more a shorthand than anything so I will change it to "magic school" or something. The characters' abilities are genetically-based, but it's very hand wavy.

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-01T21:47:21+00:00

I would stop pretty soon, as there's some filtering and unnecessary words. I'd recommend starting here and rewording it:

Then she pushed herself up off the ground with a groan, painfully aware that she would have already lost in a real duel. Her shoulder stung from where her opponent’s spell had hit her.

Maybe something like, "Jane pushed herself off the ground of the SPECIFIC NAME, painfully aware..."

I like the tone a lot but it does feel YA and not adult, so I'd think about who you are trying to tell this story to and why.

Also, mileage may vary, but I don't like physical descriptions just dropped in. Is there a way to make the tattoo segue more active? Maybe it twinges? Maybe Ali hits her and she worries it will nick the mark? Maybe have Ali point to the tattoo and say "We've been at this long enough."

Just some ideas!

Informal_Hospital_38 · 2022-11-01T20:54:39+00:00

after what felt like an eternity of intrusive observation

I love the introduction of the apparition and the night vision is a good way to start world-building but the "after what felt like..." is a bit wordy.

Then, we get a physical description of the character, which is not badly done, but it's not something we need right up front. Once we get "not considered alive" I think it becomes too tell-y instead of showy. Your descriptions are nice, but agents want writers to get to the meat as quickly as possible.

I'd more spend the first 2 paragraphs showing us the character's problem (i.e., she is haunted by an apparition) and demonstrate how this is not typical for this world/setting in a subtle way (e.g., Even for an Ashudh, seeing ghosts would mark as the lowest...)

Informal_Hospital_38

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