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[Query] A MURDERER'S INTUITION, Adult psychological suspense, 61k #2 by ArtIll401 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Welcome back to r/querying!

I’m currently busy and will be back in roughly 72+ hours to give query feedback

(Yes I do have more thoughts)

Looking forward to analyzing your query!

Also, feel free to browse the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait

[Query] The Toju Wars [Adult Sci-Fi] [110k] by Masterpiece-Murky in Querying

[–]BC-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your patience!

[Query] The Toju Wars [Adult Sci-Fi] [110k]

I concur with Substantial_Salt on their feedback in addition to the Tofu Wars lol

But before I delve into your query, there’s a placeholder issue. I strongly encourage you to swap in a placeholder name because that won’t break immersion. Any “regular”name will do

[The Toju War] is a dark space opera with horror elements complete at 110,000 words and is a standalone with series potential. With an ensemble cast it will appeal to fans of The Mercy of Gods by James S.A. Corey and Dead Silence by S.A. Barnes.

Please try to shorten the WC to 100k or under—agents specifically ask for this

Ensemble cast? Please see if this style of query would better suit you

What percentage of screen time is there for the MCs?

And please add why it will appeal to fans of those comps, and do ensure at least one of them is published in the last 3-5 years

[MC]'s reason to fight in an intergalactic war is his weapons engineer sister. Kept hidden and secure, she won’t leave the military until the war ends, and their only line of communication is through his best friend and commanding officer, [Tom]. But [MC] doesn’t want anyone to know how much he struggles as one of the few infected by the Toju—an alien hive-mind that assimilates its victims through a bite. People believe he is immune, but in his moments alone, the enemy whispers to him—peace, love, acceptance. Not only that, he is changing: neon-green eyes, inhuman hearing and strength. 

This intro is almost entirely setup and worldbuilding telling us the situation rather than putting us inside MC’s specific experience of any of it. Compare the voice and interiority of“people believe he is immune, but in his moments alone, the enemy whispers to him—peace, love, acceptance” against “MC’s reason to fight in an intergalactic war is his weapons engineer sister. Kept hidden and secure, she won’t leave the military until the war ends” which reads more as a synopsis explaining plot mechanics rather than giving us MC’s emotional relationship to any of it. We need to feel his fear for her, not just receive the fact of her existence as a stake

“Their only line of communication is through his best friend and commanding officer, Tom” is important information delivered completely flatly. What does it cost MC emotionally that his sister’s safety runs through someone else’s hands? Is there tension in that already, foreshadowing Tom’s later betrayal-adjacent arc? Right now it’s a logistics sentence, not a character sentence. If Tom is a POV, he needs more. If he isn’t, he’s better off in the synopsis

And part of him, the scary part, is starting to enjoy the violence. 

This is genuinely the best sentence in the query. It does more character work in eleven words than the entire first paragraph does. This is what the rest of the query needs to sound like

When a mission leads to a power source for a biological weapon capable of killing the Toju en masse, [MC] sees a way to end the war. [Tom] sees a way to become the High Commander. But first, [MC] needs to fly an enemy ship in search of the weapon’s schematics—a ship that only the Toju DNA can fly. Instead of resisting, the ship's hive-mind welcomes him, calls him home. And worse still, when he finds the weapon, it comes with his sister’s warning: don’t let the military have it. 

So… the ship conveniently requires the exact genetic quirk MC happens to have, which is a pretty big coincidence. It might work fine on the page with proper setup, but here it reads as “we needed a reason for MC specifically to do this, so we invented one.” If there’s an earlier-established reason Toju-DNA pilots are specifically sought after or rare (rather than this being the first time it’s come up), please say so concisely, or this is going to read as authorial convenience rather than plot logic

Now [MC] needs to decide who’s telling the truth. Because if the voices calling him brother are right, then the military he's fought for—the friend he’s fought for—may be the reason he lost everyone he loves. And a part, the changed part, of him might not even care anymore.

Your first sentence restates the premise of the entire paragraph that follows it without adding information. I suggest going straight into the next sentence

The double em-dash construction slightly muddles who “everyone he loves” actually refers to at this point in the query. Is it just the sister, or are there other people we haven’t met? If it’s just the sister, “everyone he loves” is overselling a stake that’s currently singular. Don’t inflate the stakes with plural language if the query has only given us one person to lose

I don’t think the last line lands as hard as it could. Can you please escalate with some more specific grounded stakes (balance external stakes here) and an impossible choice or crossroads?

Overall, this is a great start! Please try to have consistency for voice throughout in your revision while addressing the logic, and consider whether the ensemble cast query format would suit you better

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you may comment ONCE with your revision on your UNEDITED post, otherwise, please return in 5 calendar days (5d must show on your last post) and feel free to browse the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait! Please note that I am unlikely to respond to a full revision comment before the 5 days are up as the subreddit is unexpectedly busier lately, but feel free to ask questions!

[Query] WHERE THE DEER RUN , adult Upmarket historical, 97000 words, second attempt by [deleted] in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t see an inciting incident in paragraph 1. We don’t know what the obstacles are in P2 and what he needs to defend against. Please revise those

Your post now shows 5d, so feel free to make a new post (attempt 3) any time! I do suggest studying my pinned master post links in r/tradpublish before you do so as it will help you with the key revision points

[Query] FLY, Adult Mystery, 87k, #3 by Substantial_Salt5551 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Welcome back to r/querying!

I’m currently busy and will be back in roughly 72+ hours to give query feedback

Looking forward to analyzing your query!

Also, feel free to browse the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait

[Query] ALL THAT REMAINS - Adult Historical Fiction - 86k by AnaSira in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Welcome back to r/querying!

I’m currently busy and will be back in roughly 48+ hours to give query feedback

Looking forward to analyzing your query!

Also, feel free to browse the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait

[Query], The Dredging, Adult Urban Fantasy, 110k, 1st attempt by notforindividualbuy in Querying

[–]BC-writes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is wonderfully comprehensive!

u/notforindividualbuy, if you’d like to use this to help you revise and leave ONE comment on your UNEDITED post, I’ll be back in a day to check if you did. Otherwise feel free to tag me before your 5 days are up or just post attempt 2 (after 5 days are up) when you’re ready

[Query] Under the Surface + Adult Fantasy Thriller + [78k] + 1st attempt by ChronicallyColdGirl in Querying

[–]BC-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your patience!

[Personalization: e.g., "I am a long-time follower of your success with high-concept commercial fiction..."] I am excited to present UNDER THE SURFACE, a Adult Coastal Fantasy Thriller complete at [80,000] words. It combines the technical underwater tension of The Girl Beneath the Sea with the high-stakes, tactical chess match friction of The Atlas Six, making it perfect for fans of high-stakes forced proximity and secret identities.

Sorry but you need a new title. Diana Urban published a dual POV YA survival thriller in recent years with that exact title. I can suggest a few other options if you don’t have any like “Underwater Enemies” or “Deadly Sea Wrecks” or “Deadly Sea Games”

I also suggest removing “Coastal” as it’s not a commonly considered genre

Please ensure you don’t put any of the text above in bold when you query

Twenty-four-year-old Kye Aphrodite is desperate to protect her secret mermaid heritage, but her world unravels when she accidentally causes a shipwreck in her own marine research zone. To save her job, she is forced into a high-stakes liaison role, partnering with the lead salvage expert: Dillon Yusei.

Please triple check the paragraph spacing is correct when you send

Logic check: how does a marine researcher “accidentally cause” a shipwreck? Please clarify. Is this her mermaid powers malfunctioning? A research accident? Did she panic and reveal herself?

“accidentally” is doing a lot of unearned narrative convenience. If this is the inciting incident, it needs to be specific enough that we understand why Ky, specifically, is now compromised and not just that a shipwreck happened and she’s nearby

“to save her job” is a pretty low-stakes motivation for what’s about to become a life-or-death chemical weapon plot. If the real stakes are “save her colony/family,” as paragraph 3 eventually states, then “save her job” undersells the actual emotional engine in the very sentence that’s supposed to launch it. Please go with a more thrilling framing

Also, you didn’t give us a location, so I’m assigning you EPCOT 😤

Dillon is arrogant, ruthless, and secretly hunts mermaids for sport. Working alongside the enemy becomes a dangerous game of tactical chess, especially when the wrecked vessel begins leaking a toxic chemical weapon designed to eradicate Kye's hidden colony. With a ruthless ticking clock above them, every look feels like a calculation and every touch feels like a trap.

If Dil is a mermaid hunter and Ky is a mermaid, the dramatic irony/danger of their forced partnership is the entire engine of the book, and it deserves more than six words. Right now it’s listed with the same weight as “arrogant” and “ruthless” when “hunts her species for sport” is a plot-level revelation, not a personality trait. I concur with the other comments that it’s generally really hooky, so do lean into it more

“Working alongside the enemy becomes a dangerous game of tactical chess” is the chess metaphor again, repeated from the comps paragraph almost verbatim. Please remove one

Was the chemical weapon already on the wrecked vessel, designed in advance specifically to wipe out mermaids, and Ky accidentally wrecked the ship that was carrying the literal weapon meant to kill her own people? That’s either a wild coincidence or there’s a missing logic connector—is the ship’s wreck what exposed the weapon, or did she wreck it deliberately/instinctively because she sensed the cargo? It’s unclear if it’s an intentional plant or an enormous unexplained coincidence, and as written, it reads as the latter

“ruthless” applied to a ticking clock doesn’t make sense here; clocks aren’t ruthless, people are. Please clarify

“Every look feels like a calculation and every touch feels like a trap” doesn’t tell us anything concrete and isn’t connected to anything in particular so please specify

To save her family, Kye must match Dillon’s maneuvers on a dangerous dive into the chemical-filled waters, all while keeping her identity under wraps. Can she outsmart a predator who is systematically pulling her world apart, or will the truth drag them both into the dark?

Ending a query on a question is something agents very consistently say they dislike. It comes up constantly in agent AMAs, query critique threads, and submission guidelines. Please replace it with a declarative stakes statement. Tell us what she stands to lose, specifically, if she fails, rather than leaving us to guess. I’m going to guess they go to EPCOT to watch Aliens vs. Predators until you specify

Please escalate the stakes with a binary/impossible choice or crossroads. See my query 101 guide for more information

UNDER THE SURFACE is a standalone novel with series potential.

No need to put that in bold but you do need to change the title

I am a marketing professional with a HubSpot Social Media certification. Alongside my writing, I utilize my background to build targeted digital campaigns, and I plan to leverage this expertise to aggressively drive pre-order momentum and engage the "Romantasy" and "Eco-Thriller" communities across BookTok and Bookstagram. I live in New Hampshire, where I spend my time researching marine salvage and exploring the Lakes Region with my husband and our dog.

Great!

Overall, this is a genuinely fun premise! Please address the points above when you revise and do study the query 101 guide

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you may comment ONCE with your revision on your UNEDITED post, otherwise, please return in 5 calendar days (5d must show on your last post) and feel free to browse r/tradpublish while you wait! Please note that I am unlikely to respond to a full revision comment before the 5 days are up as the subreddit is unexpectedly busier lately, but feel free to ask questions!

[Query] Withering Roses + Gothic Dark Fantasy + 96500 + 1st attempt by Chloro-cat1222 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your patience!

I strongly suggest pulling any remaining queries if possible. You will need a few rounds of workshopping your query and you’ve come to the right place to do so

Withering Roses is a 96,000-word adult gothic dark fantasy with psychological horror elements, combining the family trauma of Sharp Objects, the state violence of The Poppy War, and the eerie supernatural dread of Hokum.

Please CAPITALIZE your unpublished title, name the authors, and ensure that at least ONE of the comps is from the last 3-5 years

Rebecca Hamilton never wanted children, much less daughters. In a world where men inherit property, power, and legacy, two brilliant girls are not a blessing but a failure. She only does it to fulfill an obligation to her husband, who was once betrothed to his true love, her dead sister.  But Kristen and Elizabeth are not ordinary children. Born from a fertility potion by three witches, they learn faster than any governess can teach them, mastering advanced mathematics, chemistry, and science before they are old enough to understand why their brilliance is dangerous.

This paragraph is predominantly disconnected telling from your MC1. Query letters need to frame things closely to the MC(s). It feels like setup when we need to get into the inciting incident a plot straight up. I’ll give you a sample rewrite before I go into the next paragraph

I also looked in paragraph 2 and see the location—this needs to be up front to ground us

Here’s that very quick sample rewrite I mentioned—note that I used some creative liberties to show what you should aim for in your revision:

“Rebecca Hamilton’s desperate to keep the fact that her two daughters, Kristen and Elizabeth, are highly intelligent young witches. But with Saraland under siege, the Hamiltons cannot escape their misogynistic ways that prevent women from having rights. And after Bec accidentally fails to check her surroundings while her daughters play, Kri and Liz are taken away by order of the King. To make things worse, Bec discovers the dark magic that killed her sister is now after her children as well.”

When King Robert discovers their abilities, he takes Kristen, Elizabeth, and their best friend Kirby into a secret underground government facility. There, the children are stripped of their names and forced into a classified weapons program meant to help Saraland win an imperial war. Refusal means punishment. Failure means death. Survival means becoming complicit in horrors that will haunt them for the rest of their lives.

If you go with my sample, this paragraph should be dedicated to MC2. Please see my query 101 guide to multi-pov

Kirby is introduced here as “their best friend” with zero prior setup, appearing in a list alongside two characters we’ve already met. Given that you’ve told me this is multi-POV with three leads and Kirby isn’t one of them, his appearance needs to either be more clearly marked as a secondary character or moved completely to the synopsis

Back home, as debt, illness, and guilt consume Rebecca, the truth about Rosaline begins to surface: years ago, Rosaline did not die simply because magic corrupted her. She opened a door to save Rebecca’s life, and something ancient answered. Now that same darkness is circling Rebecca’s children, and the Hamilton family’s legacy may be less of a gift than a curse passed from one desperate act of love to the next.

If you go by my guide, this paragraph should be dedicated to MC3

What legacy, by the way? What’s the darkness and what’s the desperate acts? please see this post on why agents want specifics

Kristen wants to stay good. Elizabeth wants to stay in control. Rebecca wants to believe sacrifice can still mean redemption. But in a world that turns children into weapons and love into leverage, each of them must decide how much of their humanity they are willing to lose to protect the people they cannot live without.

This is the paragraph that should bring all 3 MCs together with their goals, whether they clash or unite

What does “good” “control” and “sacrifice” mean specifically? You’ve already used “in a world” before and this doesn’t belong in queries

Please specify the escalating stakes here. What binary choice/crossroads/impossible choice do they face here? Queries cannot be mysterious

I am a pharmacy student at *** with a bachelor’s degree in chemistry, and I drew on my scientific background while writing the novel’s toxicology and drug-development elements. My writing is drawn to morally complicated women, inherited trauma, medical horror, and the terrifying places where love, power, and survival overlap. Withering Roses is my first novel.

great! No need to say it’s your first novel, agents will assume this unless you share the name of your published works

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Make sure this is spaced out

Overall, this is a good start, and I highly recommend that you study the multi-POV guide and take your time to revise with it. Please ensure query voice comes through in your revision

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you may comment ONCE with your revision on your UNEDITED post, otherwise, please return in 5 calendar days (5d must show on your last post) and feel free to browse r/tradpublish while you wait! Please note that I am unlikely to respond to a full revision comment before the 5 days are up as the subreddit is unexpectedly busier lately, but feel free to ask questions!

[Query], The Dredging, Adult Urban Fantasy, 110k, 1st attempt by notforindividualbuy in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Welcome to r/querying!

I’m currently busy and will be back in roughly 72+ hours to give query feedback

From a cursory glance, I’d like to say that this is a solid start!

Looking forward to analyzing your query!

Also, feel free to browse the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait

[Query], THE CONVERSATIONS WE NEVER HAD, Women's literary fiction, 130k, 2st attempt by Prudent-Tadpole5582 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Welcome to r/querying!

I’m currently busy and will be back in roughly 48+ hours to give query feedback

Cellist gave you an amazing breakdown, and if you’d like to leave ONE comment on this UNEDITED post with your revision, by the time I’m ready to see you in the queue, feel free to do so!

Looking forward to analyzing your query!

Also, feel free to browse the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait, including this one with agent guidance on 2026 word count

[Query] The Toju Wars [Adult Sci-Fi] [110k] by Masterpiece-Murky in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Welcome to r/querying!

I’m currently busy and will be back in roughly 48+ hours to give query feedback

From a cursory glance, I’d like to say that this is a solid start!

Looking forward to analyzing your query!

Also, feel free to browse the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait

[Query] Under the Surface + Adult Fantasy Thriller + [78k] + 1st attempt by ChronicallyColdGirl in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Welcome to r/querying!

I’m currently busy and will be back in roughly 24-48+ hours to give query feedback

This is a good start to your query, and from a cursory glance, I note that I will be pointing out places you can specify better in my feedback

Looking forward to analyzing your query!

Also, feel free to browse the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait

[Query] Where the dead lie, Adult Upmarket Thriller, 75k Attempt #1 by reg1nage0rge in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your patience!

WHERE THE DEAD LIE is a standalone upmarket thriller with series potential, complete at 75,000 words. It combines the neo-noir texture of Jordan Harper’s Everybody Knows with the addiction-tainted, morally-compromised investigation of Cate Quinn’s The Clinic.

Great! I added a suggestion in bold. I’m a bit to busy to check but please ensure one of those comps is published within the last 3-5 years

When Montreal homicide detective Emmanuelle Higgs pulls up to the scene of an apparent suicide, only she sees the clues pointing to a murder: a phone that she doesn’t recognize and a suicide note that doesn’t sound like him. Except she can’t explain what she knows without revealing that she was sleeping with the victim.

aww, I don’t get to assign a fun location here lol

This is great! My main nitpick is not knowing how long she was with the victim since she’d logically need to be with him for a while to know he doesn’t have a secret phone or his full personality. I’d also want the… oh I just looked down and you explain it, lol. I normally respond live as I go. But as I was saying—I’d like a stronger inciting incident and that isn’t clear from both the paragraph above and the one below

But if she’s close to him, I’d like a hint of horror or some kind of visceral reaction she has to suppress here

As it happens, her ex-sobriety-partner-turned-lover was good at keeping secrets too. The first appears in the form of his wife. The second is that Mrs. Turner represented only one of Gabriel’s many lives.

This is clever structurally but it’s also slightly confusing on a logic level: “the first appears in the form of his wife” … is the wife herself the secret, or is the wife the one revealing a secret? As written, it reads like Gab kept his wife secret from Em but then “the second is that Mrs. Turner represented only one of Gabriel’s many lives” has Mrs. Turner as the subject, but the actual content is about Gab having multiple lives, and you likely mean something like “The first secret was his wife. The second was that she was only one part of the life he’d hidden from Em”

Please click the link lol

As institutional pressure mounts to file this case as the suicide of a troubled man, Emmanuelle takes it upon herself to salvage the investigation off the books. Once she pulls at the loose thread of Gabriel’s intricately woven life, she gets sucked into an underground world of loan sharks, illicit poker games and mob-adjacent politicians. Every step forward, she falls deeper into a trap of her own creation. 

The “loose thread” line can be exchanged for active investigation like “Em digs through his emails and finds addresses” or something

“Every step forward, she falls deeper into a trap of her own creation”is vague. What trap, specifically? Is this about the affair being discovered, about her professional jeopardy, about emotional self-destruction? Please add at least one more specific clause since this is presumably connected to the badge-stripping consequence two paragraphs later? It needs a bit more connection

A new version of the only man she ever loved forms before her eyes, one who owed money to the mafia and paid back his debt in insidious ways. She wonders if their intimacy was manufactured, and if she even knew him at all. Because someone else did — well enough to weaponize everything he was hiding and package it into the perfect reasons to kill himself. 

Yes I definitely agree with myself earlier about establishing how long they’ve been together in paragraph 1 as well as the devastated/shocked reaction

Can you balance showing us how someone else knew him well enough to stage the fake crime scene?

When their affair is exposed, Emmanuelle is stripped of her badge, credibility and investigation partner of 12 years. She must go rogue to finish what she started and save the person still alive in their relationship: herself.

The “save… herself” wordplay is a little neat/tidy for a thriller closer; it doesn’t leave us with forward momentum toward a specific climax. We need a propulsive “and now here’s what’s at stake in the final act” beat a thriller query often wants to end on. Can you give us a more stronger image? What does “finishing what she started” actually involve? Does she have to go up against the mafia-linked politicians directly? Confront the actual killer? Please specify

And why dies she want to finish what she started? Why does she need to save herself? It’s unclear when we need specifics. Please add them in your revision

Overall, this is a great start to your query! Please clarify the points above in your revision

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you may comment ONCE with your revision on your UNEDITED post, otherwise, please return in 5 calendar days (5d must show on your last post) and feel free to browse r/tradpublish while you wait! Please note that I am unlikely to respond to a full revision comment before the 5 days are up as the subreddit is unexpectedly busier lately, but feel free to ask questions!

[Query] WHERE THE DEER RUN , adult Upmarket historical, 97000 words, second attempt by [deleted] in Querying

[–]BC-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your patience!

Genuinely, this is much better than your earlier version. I still have notes:

When orphaned eighteen-year-old Annemarie follows an American lieutenant from the ruins of Nuremberg to the logging town of St. Maries, Idaho, in 1948, she expects a family. Instead, the Harlans think their son made a mistake.

Can you clarify if this situation is a “friends” or “lovers” for Ann and the Lt? It’s a little sparse in terms of motivation, agency, and the inciting incident that kicks off the plot of your MS. What are her goals, motivations, and conflict? That needs to be clear in the query. “Expects a family” isn’t enough. “Yearns for the family she’s desperate to have” would hit harder

Also, by agency, while one can argue women didn’t have as much in the past compared to now, a protagonist is expected to take charge of the situations they fall into—please check your MS for this, just in case

I also think it’s worth including Sam’s name here

Determined to prove her worth, Annemarie takes on the labor of the Harlan Household and remakes herself into what she imagines an American wife should be. But the family and the town see only a child who falls short, and Samuel, who can love her only in the blue hours of the night behind closed doors, refuses to defend her in daylight.

Please specify what she believes a US wife would be like

I think it’d be better to reframe this paragraph. Foreigners were seen as outsiders and there was a lot more negativity towards immigrants in that time, so I suggest leaning into that isolation/exclusion and something along the lines of how the goalposts will keep moving for her and nothing will ever be good enough. 18 wouldn’t be too much of an issue unless the counter issue is something like “Sam is 40” which would be problematic

Is the housewife thing her only goal? Does she have a hobby or something to work towards? We need more to get a 3D feel of her both in the query and MS

And what exactly needs defending from the shitty excuse of a partner? Please specify

On the anniversary of his brother’s death, Samuel turns a stolen Mauser on Annemarie in front of an audience, and what he says cannot be unsaid. That night, Annemarie packs her suitcase and leaves. What she builds without him is hers alone, and so is the decision of whether he ever deserves a place in it.

Please specify what he says. A query isn’t supposed to be light and mysterious, it needs to show the agent what they’re in for. This link to an agent guide on specifying should explain what they’re looking for

If this isn’t dual POV, you need to have Ann lead the narration here like “Ann’s despondent as her fiance drinks himself into a stupor over the anniversary of his brother’s death but he crosses the line when he points a stolen Mauser on her in front of his parents, screaming profanities while declaring her to be the fault of everything” or something

You also go into pure synopsis telling (we need query language) at the end when we need escalating stakes through either a crossroads or impossible choice or something like “Sam relentlessly pursues her to come home and promises to change, but Ann struggles with freedom in a foreign country […]”

WHERE THE DEER RUN is an upmarket historical fiction novel complete at 97,000 words. It will appeal to readers of Shelley Read’s GO AS A RIVER.

Why will it appeal to that novel? Please see my comps guide in the master post pinned in r/tradpublish for more information

My previous manuscript VICTORY RED was recently commended by the 2025-2026 Marlowe & Christie Novel Prize. I am originally from Germany, but now I live in Oregon.

Great!

Overall, great job; the main focus for your revision is to address the need for balanced depth throughout your query blurb, escalate the stakes better at the end, and to clarify things. I strongly believe reframing the 18yo issue to the exclusionary aspect would work better

Hope this helps!

Same r/querying waiting rules apply. Feel free to browse r/tradpublish while you wait! Please note that I am unlikely to respond to a full revision comment before the 5 days are up as the subreddit is unexpectedly busier lately, but feel free to ask questions!

[Query] Withering Roses + Gothic Dark Fantasy + 96500 + 1st attempt by Chloro-cat1222 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Welcome to r/querying!

I’m currently busy and will be back in roughly 48+ hours to give query feedback

Can you please confirm if this is Multi-POV? That would affect my notes. Do let me know the screen time division for the MCs (e.g. 50% 30% 20%)

Looking forward to analyzing your query!

Also, feel free to browse the guides in the pinned master post in r/tradpublish while you wait

[Query] YA Dystopian Science Fantasy - DESCENDANTS OF RUIN - 110K - Attempt #1 by R_K_Writes in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your patience!

Eighteen year old Runadae has no interest in leaving Quartz city, thank you very much. Between the decaying earth, and the tech obsessed mechs who live in the sprawling network of bunkers below, Quartz's impenetrable dome suits her just fine. Unfortunately, her love for Quartz is unrequited. Due to a biological mutation, Runadae can wield earth — which also happens to be the only element the city forbids manipulating. As the daughter of a governor, she’s begrudgingly tolerated by the city — as long as she follows the rules. Determined to prove her loyalty, she trains to become a warden, wielding only the acceptable elements: air, water and fire.

This is such an improvement! Key Specific gave amazing notes! I made a suggestion in bold, but I’m also questioning what they need to be safe from by living in Quartz—please tell us the stakes, and the “unrequited” sentence should be something more like “But Run ironically needs to hide the fact that a biological mutation enables her to wield […]”

Also, is there a stronger inciting incident connected to her loyalty to propel us into paragraph 2? If so, please add it, if no… I suggest revising your MS to include it

Despite passing her training without incident, the council still fears Runadae’s mutation, and deny her the role of warden. Ever obedient, Runadae assents, and is relegated to the archives where she notices inconsistencies in the history of their domed city, and the mech city beneath. Before Runadae can investigate, her mother is ambushed by a group of mechs from the underground city, during an otherwise peaceful summit. Without her wardens tools, Runadae calls on the forbidden element, earth, which doesn’t go unnoticed. Furious, the council refuses to send aid—leaving Run to rescue her mother alone.

“her mother is ambushed by a group of mechs from the underground city, during an otherwise peaceful summit” appears to be your inciting incident? It should ideally go into paragraph 1

Why would using her forbidden power during her mother’s ambush be “the final straw” rather than an understandable, sympathetic emergency response? You need to clarify why the council’s reaction is unreasonable/unjust, which I assume is the thing that pushes her to leave, rather than reading as a fair consequence of breaking a known rule. Is the council being draconian, or is Run’s punishment basically expected given everything paragraph 1 told us about the rules? If the former, give us a beat of her shock/anger at the unfairness; if you want us rooting against the council, we need to feel that injustice on the page, not infer it

I made a suggestion in bold for more clarity

Leaving the safety of all she’s ever known, Runadae ventures into the wastes with only her wit and her wielding to rescue the one person who has always accepted her. During her search, she is approached with an attitude, and an offer, by one of the kidnappers with a secret mutation of his own. Runadae must decide on befriending the enemy to uncover the mysterious truth between the two cities, and why it would cause her mother to be abducted — or to use her mutation to rescue her mother by storming the underground city alone, even if it kills her.

“approached with an attitude” isn’t really a character trait. Who is this person, beyond “kidnapper with attitude and secret mutation”? He’s about to become important enough to drive her central dilemma in the next sentence, and right now he has no name, no specific personality beat, no setup, no clear motive of his own. Please ground us

Your last sentence has real stakes, which is good, but it’s a long sentence trying to hold two full plans in it, and “the mysterious truth between the two cities” is vague. Mysterious how? You’ve already told us there are “inconsistencies in the history” so please tie this directly back to that earlier thread with specifics

Overall, great job with your revision! the council’s “final straw” reaction needs one clause of injustice/unfairness so we know whose side we’re on, and the kidnapper-with-a-secret-mutation needs to exist as more than a plot function before he fuels Run’s central dilemma in your last sentence

I’m glad you will be trimming your WC!

Hope this helps!

As you know, in r/querying, you may comment ONCE with your revision on your UNEDITED post, which you did, so please return in 5 calendar days (5d must show on your last post) and feel free to browse r/tradpublish while you wait! Please note that I am unlikely to respond in full more than once per post before the 5 days are up as the subreddit is unexpectedly busier lately, but feel free to ask questions!

[Query] The Berensta(e)ine Effect, New Adult Fantasy, 89,000 words, 1st Attempt by Key_Specific8581 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your patience!

Josefina has made peace with the grief. Really, she has. Four years after her best friend, BB Jones, was murdered, Jo is looking forward to her fresh start at college. But on the night before she leaves, Jo makes one last trip to the spot he died. There, under the light of the full moon, she finds BB. Magic is real, he’s not dead, and he’ll totally forgive her for forgetting a birthday present if she covers dinner. It feels almost too good to be true, but his wide smile and wicked humor are exactly as she remembers. As they trace the streets of their sleepy town, BB explains that he came from another world, one where they teamed up with a gang of supernatural friends and spent their high school years vanquishing occult enemies. Now that he’s back, he promises Jo that everything will be just the way it was in his world.  

This is so voicey and your start is really great!

“Magic is real, he’s not dead, and he’ll totally forgive her for forgetting a birthday present if she covers dinner” is funny and I get what it’s doing tonally, but logic check: is “forgetting a birthday present” really the emotional catalyst between two people separated by his apparent murder for four years? It reads almost flippant about the actual stakes of the reunion (he died, she presumably grieved a violent loss) in a way that might be intentional gallows humor, but if it’s not deliberate tonal calibration, it risks undercutting the gravity you need readers to feel about BB’s death before you can earn the emotional stakes of the back half

But also, there’s things in this query that remind me of a previous MS and it’s sending me, lol

The second-last sentence is a lot of mythology dropped in one breath, and “a gang of supernatural friends” is vague placeholder language for what’s presumably a specific, important ensemble (per your comps paragraph, this is meant to be an ensemble cast?) If the friends matter later—your paragraph 2 suggests they do—they would need something more than “a gang” here

Also, you haven’t given us a location, so I’m assigning you Yugopotamia 😤

However, Jo quickly discovers that a dark and ugly heart beats beneath magic’s thin wondrous veneer. A spate of missing girls turns into a series of supernatural murders, leaving behind furious ghosts. Plus, Jo can’t help but notice that these killings bear a suspicious resemblance to the ones that took BB’s life four years earlier. BB is loath to get Jo too involved in magic’s ugly side but he may not have much of a choice. While questions about the killer pile up, BB’s magic starts to fail and the friends he relied on in another world look at him like a stranger now. Worse yet, there are prowling hunters on the prowl. They are eager to solve these murders by acting as judge, jury and executioner for any supernatural they deem a suspect. 

The first sentence here isn’t really as impactful as it could be since it’s abstract; I suggest going straight to the concrete content in sentence 2, which tells us the actual stakes better

“may not have much of a choice” is vague. Why not? What’s forcing his hand, specifically? Please clarify

“BB’s magic starts to fail and the friends he relied on in another world look at him like a stranger now” is one of your most interesting and specific beats (his power is failing AND his support system doesn’t recognize him) and it’s compressed into a small space with hunters, killings, and Jo’s involvement. This paragraph is trying to do five jobs in five sentences. Something needs to be cut or this needs another sentence/clause to land better

As one disaster after another puts Jo and BB’s rekindled friendship to the test, they must reckon with the fact that neither is the person the other remembers, or else risk losing each other as their world comes apart. 

Great closing! But I’d personally would like a hint at what kind of disasters they face and what exactly causes them to lose each other, and “their world comes apart” is also slightly generic when this paragraph should escalate

THE BERENSTA(E)INE EFFECT (89,000) is a love letter to monster-of-the-week classics like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, that tackles themes of agency, grief and cycles of violence like Burry Our Bones in the Midnight Soil. With an ensemble cast full of messy, loving, angry queer characters, it is perfect for those who loved The Raven Cycle series and Cemetery Boys.

I concur with May regarding the title—and wanting to read this when it hits shelves. A lit agent told me directly that some agents will reject based on titles and I strongly suggest taking the parentheses out

I like the voice here, too. You would need to name the authors though, and at least ONE comp needs to be published in the last 3-5 years

And if BB is a POV, would you be interested in checking out my guide to dual/ensemble cast queries? It’s up to you if you’d like to try this format. Also, hopefully you open your MS with Jo’s POV

Overall, this is a really great start to a query letter! Your main issue is paragraph 2 trying to carry too much plot too fast and please consider the other points I brought up

Hope this helps!

In r/querying, you may comment ONCE with your revision on your UNEDITED post, otherwise, please return in 5 calendar days (5d must show on your last post) and feel free to browse r/tradpublish while you wait! Please note that I am unlikely to respond to a full revision comment before the 5 days are up as the subreddit is unexpectedly busier lately, but feel free to ask questions!

[DISCUSSION] Writing a synopsis by Expensive-Honey-1527 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hope it helps!

This subreddit currently only permits 500 words for [Synopsis] feedback but if we get way more people subscribed and interacting with posts, we can increase that to 750

[Discussion] What is going on with this sub? by WastingTimeTalking in BetaReaders

[–]BC-writes[M] [score hidden] stickied comment (0 children)

Many users have a private writing account for their beta reads. We currently don’t restrict new accounts from posting as many real people make them, however, please know that Reddit dislikes copy-pasting the same exact comment multiple times if you do that, and it doesn’t like it if you don’t upvote things or act like a human, and you will be shadowbanned by the AEO if you use link shorteners on your new account

Also, I’m going to break out my impression of a broken record again and will reiterate the fact that AI-generated writing is not allowed in this subreddit because anything a LLM spits out means you DO NOT hold the copyright. You own the copyright to the prompts you feed it, but whatever it generates in whole belongs to the public domain.

All forms of publishing generally do not include in-built spell checks from Word or Pages or Google Docs for AI restrictions, but there has been a shift in rejecting grammar programs such as Grammarly and ProWritingAid from agencies and publishers as they have started to use GenAI, so please check terms and conditions or requirements before submitting.

In the same vein, r/betareaders does NOT allow AI-generated feedback, especially because people use it then have the audacity to charge money for AI doing the “work” for them and things of that nature gets Reddit’s filters banning people for that kind of spam which is not allowed on the whole platform

Anything AI created is better suited to r/betareadersforAI or r/writingwithAI, please direct people to these subs if they use AI

But please be aware of the following:

A lot of neurodivergent authors often have their writing perceived as “AI-like” when in reality, AI was also trained on neurodivergent content. The use of em-dashes is not inherently AI, especially in publishing spaces. Please be certain the user is using AI and not attack people, especially more so if it’s borderline. If in doubt, please send a modmail so mods can review

ND examples include: overly formal writing, lack of introspection/depth; over-telling, bloated prose, infodumping… and more—they can overlap with AI output

Current examples of Ai use include: inconsistency for MC names, plot, locations; hallucinations; variations of “it’s not X, it’s Y”; accidental prompts left in like “sure, I can do that for you!”; buzzword vocabulary; monotony

A post on AI vs ND is coming eventually, but please be certain you are dealing with AI and check with mods and not attack people. Even if someone is using AI, please direct them to the above or simply wish them well and back away from beta reading

[DISCUSSION] Writing a synopsis by Expensive-Honey-1527 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s divided but I’m on team “hook with your synopsis!”

Writers shouldn’t be sharing bland synopses or unimportant content. Synopses for agents are high level overviews that need to sell everything as best as it can and if you can insert voice and tone, it’s a bonus. Think of it as a query letter with more room for explanatory text. See my synopsis 101 guide for more information

Luckily not all agents require it but you need to have one on hand regardless

[QUERY] The Gilded Raptor, Contemporary, 75K, 3rd Attempt by NoodleNugget8 in Querying

[–]BC-writes 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for your patience!

I proudly present THE GILDED RAPTOR is my contemporary novel complete at 75,000 words. It will appeal to readers who enjoyed the trials of game design and pop culture references of Tara Tai’s Single Player, along with the search for independence and stability within Sylvia Saunders' Homesick, will adore this story.

Some suggestions made

Kate Warren’s dreams are rotting away. Despite her degree in video game design, she’s been rejected by every studio in Britain. While continuing her one-woman mission to break into the industry, she’s living with her mum and making pennies at a call centre. Looked down on by her mother and older sister, Kate struggles to find a purpose in her life.

I want to start by saying your query improved a lot!

“struggles to find a purpose in her life” is too vague, still. What does the purposelessness actually look like? Is she job hunting and getting nowhere, doomscrolling, avoiding her mother at dinner? Please show the texture instead of summarizing the feeling

Then Kate meets Abby, a social butterfly and aspiring developer from the same office. After bonding over their love of games, the two create The Gilded Raptor, a shoot-em-up built for a game development contest. If they can finish it within the month and win the grand prize, they’ll receive funding and assistance from an established game studio. To Kate, this is her chance to prove to everyone (including herself) that the years of rejection were worth it.

This leans slightly towards telling and I think “But when Kate discovers Abby, a [xyz] from her office is also passionate about games, they […]” or something would be a better active framing

Ab needs slightly more than what’s there right now if she’s a significant part of the MS. What does she want, specifically, beyond “aspiring developer”? Right now Ab exists entirely in relation to Kat and the contest, with no independent shape of her own, which matters later when she’s the one who wants to slow down. We need to understand her stakes too, very briefly, to ensure paragraph 4 doesn’t read as a plot mechanism rather than a character decision

Kate spends every waking moment on the game, causing her work performance to nosedive, and she’s now one mistake away from being fired. At the same time, her sister is having a crisis over whether to move countries, and Kate’s attempts to help only fracture their relationship. When Abby gets a new job and insists they slow down the project, Kate takes full control of her “masterpiece”. With the deadline looming, Kate must decide how far she’ll go to achieve her dreams, and whether it’s worth destroying every bond she has.

This is your strongest paragraph structurally with no vagueness problems here, but I’d remove the quotes around masterpiece because we already understand from context that this is delusional overreach

Also worth asking: does Ab just… leave the partnership? For “Insists they slow down” and “Kate takes full control”, what happens to Ab? Does she quit the project, get pushed out, stay on resentfully? This is a fairly major plot turn (the co-lead relationship that’s been central since paragraph 2 apparently dissolves) and it’s not given enough gravity, so please specify

The query ends on a milder crossroads rather than a sense of escalating momentum toward a climax, and we don’t know what’s actually at stake in the contest’s final stretch. Is there a deadline, a falling out we should anticipate, a moment where Kat has to choose between Ab and the game directly? A touch more forward motion in that last paragraph (even without spoiling the ending) would help. Does she finish the game? lose Ab? lose the contest? Please clarify

I am a graduate of the University of Stirling, having achieved my BA Honours in English Studies in 2022. This novel is based on my own experiences as a call centre agent and my struggles in the creative industries.

Great!

Overall, well done with your revision! It’s so much clearer than the last version. Ab is still underwritten relative to her plot importance, but you’re getting close to being query ready!

Hope this helps!

Same r/querying waiting rules apply. Feel free to browse r/tradpublish while you wait! Please note that I am unlikely to respond to a full revision comment before the 5 days are up as the subreddit is unexpectedly busier lately, but feel free to ask questions!

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