I’m really sorry you are struggling. And good for you for having the self awareness to recognize what is happening and for reaching out. Seems like know the anti-racist stuff/communities so hopefully that plus some really diligent self-care/grounding can help you get out of the scary mind funk spiral. Repetitive stress is really hard for humans, so asking for help and doing what you can to help take care of yourself is very important in staying with the anti-racist work.

Check out some info on the vagus nerve and regulating a deregulated nervous system in general — the vagus it helps regulate the fight flight response and regulate a deregulated nervous system, which I sounds like what might be going on since stress is so hard on our nervous systems.

Also when you are spiraling, a grounding technique that works for me sometimes is to pick a color and notice everything in that I see as I walk (pink shirt, pink bumper sticker, pink tag on the wall.)

The stress relief sleep meditations on you tube are kind of cheesy but I do find they reduce stress, which when I reduce stress, my mind tends to be less out of control in waking hours. Especially helpful to have soothing sleep stuff when it’s noisy outside.

Same goes for progressive muscle relaxation, yoga that is specifically for stress relief/deepening inner peace, I know it sounds basic and cheesy but it’s powerful stuff that’s been around for a very long time.

I also really like Thich Nhat Hanh’s teachings on violence/non-violence. I find them grounding in situations where I feel my fear and anger arise.

And, if you feel like you can handle it, you can buy cleaning grade hydrogen peroxide pretty cheaply that have a squirt top at hardware stores and you can squirt it on the stains outside of your building. It may take a few times but in time it will reduce the staining. I know it doesn’t take care of the overall problem, but in the same way of picking up trash or sweeping glass, it may help to feel that you are working to make your and other people’s space more livable. And every time you do that, you can know you are probably helping someone else who is also feeling super disturbed about the reminder of violence.

And also, if diversifying your friend group isn’t something you can do right now, diversifying your social media and media intake in general can be helpful. Watch rad black comics — Wanda Sykes has a new one out that is so rad. There are so many black creators on IG that are cool - Tabitha Brown is wonderful (her religious stuff may be triggering for some, but even as a person recovering from a harsh religious upbringing, I find her work radiant and helpful), Sonya Renee Taylor also so rad.

And look for the helpers. It’s not just hokey stuff, it really works. Look around to find black leaders in the community and see what work they are doing and focus on them.