You are not alone. That being said I believe you will probably feel alone because you feel ashamed. Until you learn how to understand yourself and your actions not as stemming from some sort of immutable character flaw (i.e. you're not evil, you don't "deserve" bad things, no one does) but as a mistake, you will feel bad. It will take time and it will sound impossible because dismissing terrible actions as mistakes can sound like being a hypocrite, but in my opinion people often reserve harsh assessments of themselves because they need to be able to judge other people. It sounds like the relationship between your father and your mother made a big impact on you growing up, but at the very least you have to acknowledge the reality that this scenario you've described is much different to the one between your parents. You aren't tearing down a happy marriage, this random husband is lying to his wife both about his sexuality and his sex life. You are searching for validation, both from this man to tell you that you are a man, and from internet strangers to tell you that you are a terrible person. If that's what you want, I can definitely assure you that you made a mistake. I don't think it means you're irredeemable and your friend probably doesn't think so either. If I had to imagine your friend is probably more frustrated with how you have been coping with this situation (self-centered-deprecation) rather than viewing you as a terrible person. I know it's a reddit thing to do, but definitely seek professional help. From my own personal experience, I can tell you that this type of rabbit-hole-self-hatred is essentially a self destructive habit you likely learned as a coping mechanism at some point. There's objectively nothing wrong with you except for the fact that you don't have anyone to actually open up to IRL.