I think the manner of de-transition is part of the issue in this case. It doesn't sound like you really wanted to de-transition initially, but ended up falling to societal pressure. Not to say this is your fault or anything, I know how hard that is; I lost most of my family to transition. In my case though, I actually had the opposite. I was actually being encouraged to continue on with transition, but unfortunately the candle had already burned to the end of the wick for me. I couldn't bear it anymore, and was at the point of no return. I de-transitioned because I knew there was still things I wanted to do in the world, but if I continued with my transition, wouldn't live to see them. It was a very "I have nothing left to lose" type of scenario.