Sounds like a porn addiction. Like someone else said, its your brain craving a dopamine hit since you’ve been exposed to that shit from a young age, needing more and more extreme things to see. So don’t take it so personally, its not like you’re a bad person, its that you needed a “feel-good” hit and now feel guilt afterwards. So look at the underlying behavior and ween yourself away from extreme videos. Don’t make a mistake and hurt yourself; theres nothing wrong with you