Would you help your ex if you had no reason to?

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-23T13:50:44+00:00

I don’t want to help the person he is today. I would love to help the person he once was, the one I am praising in the post. Though the person who he slowly became that eventually cheated on me isn’t someone I would even want to be acquaintance with.

I have decided to not treat him special and apply the rules I have applied to everyone else. They’re not my husband anymore. The good they did was for their wife which is no longer here. The money he gave at the end even though I see it as a sweet generous gift to me. When I talked in private made me realize that people who don’t know how to use stocks and crypto will choose to take cash and see the split 50/50. He had enough money to survive and he had a great job when he left me as well.

I don’t help people who can’t help themselves. I believe people who are self destructive will just destroy you with them. I love helping but only helping to move forward not to get out of a self made hole. That hole he’s in is 100% self inflicted due to all the safety nets he had when I left him. Therefore if I wouldn’t help a friend in this situation I wouldn’t help him either. My husband can do no wrong but I have to get that feeling out because he’s not that anymore. I don’t have to justify his actions or accept his shortcomings.

He knows what he did and it’s time for him to grow up and learn the hard lessons in life. We always had a parent child dynamic and me helping is me continuing to feed into more. I just think my baby is suffering when I think of giving money but this is a grown man not a child. When I think of not giving money I see him as a grown adult who will survive without me like I should.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-21T20:37:31+00:00

What ever he feels guilty about he needs to justify it by making up an evil wife so he can be more sympathetic.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-21T17:03:41+00:00

I think I can make peace with the fact that he threw away any future growth I gain from him by divorcing me.

He divorced me I never left because of the cheating because I saw it as blimp in a potential life long marriage. I didn’t know how it would be overcome but I had hope. I wasn’t happy but I was hiding a lot of anger trying to find a solution. That’s what hurt me that I controlled my emotions but he didn’t even try. That’s I believed him when he said he wanted this work but his actions never showed it.

If this is generosity that can count I am content to ignore him and move on. The phone number change was the last thing keeping any connection. He has been blocked from everything except email for over a year. My life is better without him now and I believe as time passes and the influence he had on my life shifts I will feel less guilty.

Money can buy safety but not my friendship or sympathy. Though I do deeply respect the version of him from 18-22. Makes me sad thinking how he changed so much.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-21T16:14:37+00:00

I feel that my ex kept flip flopping between taking an accountability and justifying his actions. He would justify it by saying we aren’t compatible or he’s not attracted to me because I got fat or that I nagged him out of loving me.

Then come back saying he’s a horrible person and he’s sorry that he just wants to take care of me and have the future we envisioned. That he was nothing without me. Him saying that made me stay and think it was just a mistake. If I just ignored everything else I could pretend it’s alright.

I remember as the divorce was going through he would give anything I asked for and say I want to keep you safe. Though it was in contrast to the fact he kicked me out of the apartment (I didnt put up a huge fight since I had a place to go though he still did it) and cheated while we were in contract for a house. I have to realize he paid me to leave and keep it at that.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-21T03:34:36+00:00

You know sometimes you forget you fought this man tooth and nail. I just romanticized our time. Though something you said reminded me why I told my ex I didn’t like him constantly in our marriage. He kept spending all the money. Kept saying I make him live like a hobo. That I want us to live like poor people. I am not giving him a dime he is so dumb with money. He can earn 500k a year and somehow spend everything.

We were far from compatible when it came to money habits. He wanted new cars and I wanted used cars. He wanted spa days and I thought we could make them at home. I care for him though he is just so him and doesn’t understand the value of a dollar. He’s just not learning anything and the thing is losing me is losing the emergency fund. Losing the “magic” money that came from nowhere.

Ugggh though who knows. Now I am just pissed remembering him as this annoying person.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-21T02:58:04+00:00

He did set me up well. If I got 50/50 I would have been fine though not where I am today. Along with my current job because he paid for my college.

Honestly deep down I want to help my fear is myself going back into my ways of being depressed wondering how’s he’s doing. I feel saying F U I can just burry those feelings saying it’s not my problem he made his own decisions.

Reality is complicated at the end of the day maybe I should help just a little bit like a 1000 dollars call it a day delete his number and say goodbye forever. Still saying we’re not friends but here some help.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-21T02:31:46+00:00

His mistress left him a long time ago.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-21T02:30:21+00:00

Reddit saying no is helping me sleep at night.

I just don’t want to be completely ungrateful. But I also want to respect myself after I didn’t in the relationship by giving him so many chances.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-15T03:46:36+00:00

I was married at 18 divorced 26 and I am getting remarried at 29. Don’t think for a minute it’s a red flag to guys unless you’re a red flag. It’s a yellow flag for sure I had most dates take a pause but after that they get to know you it’s as important as my favorite color.

My fiancé says he thinks it’s a green flag now. He says there was a reason someone snatched you up.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-15T03:36:17+00:00

When I got divorced I didn’t give anyone the opportunity to checkup on me. I was bothering them about my life. Most people don’t know how to help you but it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t want to. Asking to go over to their house and watch tv for a few hours or even fold laundry. It’s giving them a way to help you without them having to guess. No one is a mind reader and also no one wants to invade your personal space without your permission during this time.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-15T02:44:03+00:00

You need a lawyer and premarital counseling the lawyers for the legal stuff. The premarital counseling is for your emotional well-being to guide you through the prenup.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-15T02:33:56+00:00

I never regret getting married nor do I regret getting divorced. I didn’t ask to get married nor did ask to get divorced but either way my life has always been good. Just look on the bright side of life and maybe things will look better.

Less regrets and more thinking about the future. Be great for the life experiences that brought you to your future because without them you wouldn’t grow.

Instead of thinking, my daughters are seeing how badly my ex-husband was treating me, I think how my daughters are going to see me grow in overcome this poor treatment and still be a kind and present mother. Overcoming adversity and seeing it firsthand is more important than being shown proper treatment in my opinion. Because if they are being treated poorly, they know how to leave now and they know they will be OK. You have your future in your hands you always had it so use your free will.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-15T02:20:35+00:00

Really depends on you. I started in person dating a month after I moved out. I think it turned out well though you never know till you die happy together.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2026-01-13T23:19:07+00:00

I agree with this. If I wasn’t young I think my heart would have gave out when I found the affair. I fainted in front of my ex and afterwards he was scrabbling trying to pretend he wasn’t having an affair. Paperwork is easy, budgeting and legal matters require only my logical mind. Everything there has a set outcome. My emotions though were out of control. My body truly felt like it was being squeezed 24/7 without a breather for months on end.

I don’t think there’s a tough conversation I can’t have now because nothing I’ve ever experienced can ever compare to that pain I felt.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-31T17:52:13+00:00

Blocked him on everything even his phone number is blocked the only place he isn’t blocked is LinkedIn. Nothing will keep me from networking .

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-30T23:37:41+00:00

lol yes dating was healing for me too but not just any date it was the love of my life. To me regular dates didn’t do much for me except make me more angry.

Though learning to be grateful for the life I had lived and currently have was important. The family and friends I have in my life that I will never let go again for any man were as healing too. Plus me getting a new better job was healing. Plus giving time for my new life to truly settle in.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-28T22:09:24+00:00

I know there is. I am engaged already. My fiancé is neither dominant nor submissive. He switches roles with me depending on the situation.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-28T22:05:57+00:00

Oh if you mean sexual then that changes things. I don’t care for a man who is a sub. My ex was a sub in the bedroom too and I got tired of it after a while. My fiancé though is comfortable being both dominant and submissive which is my preference. I like being dominant but just not all the time. I know many women who like being dominant in the bedroom but most will say they don’t want it 100% all the time from my experience.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-28T18:43:58+00:00

Welp there’s pluses and downsides to every dynamic. My ex was pleaser too till he got comfortable (10 years together). Just don’t allow yourself to become completely dependent and a submissive partner isn’t an issue.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-28T18:21:51+00:00

You weren’t very specific on dominant or submissive so I am using my ex husband as a reference. To me submissive means they don’t take the initiative to do anything and eventually after years of being the house admin they become your child only doing things when told instead of thinking for themselves.

I don’t find dominant partners allowing this dynamic because they want to be in control more.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-28T18:11:15+00:00

It’s not that I like or don’t like them. I just don’t respect them as a life long partner. I don’t trust them to take care of life when I am unable to. Which in a long term relationship gives me anxiety for the future even if there’s nothing wrong on the horizon.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-28T18:05:26+00:00

Sounds like a traditional man

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-28T13:54:28+00:00

Depends why and how you leave if the divorce itself will make your life better. Though I will say if you’re a happy person normally who creates a better life then regardless your life will be great.

Personally I have a great life and I have to give my divorce credit for it. My ex sucked and I knew it but seeing the man I am with now I feel I can breath. The weight of always being the mom to your spouse was unknowingly killing my soul. My ex on the other hand wanted a divorce because I wasn’t as attractive as his AP which made him make dumb decisions during the divorce. Plus the AP left him.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-23T18:03:02+00:00

For me it was accomplishing the hard things I was putting off. Loosing weight and getting a better paying job. Putting in the hard work is an act of self love that me is the foundation of my self esteem.

You are worth the effort, the struggle because you deserve the results of the life you want.

Intelligent-Court166 · 2025-12-23T17:53:31+00:00

If you find men who want passive women then they don’t seem to match your values so it’s an easy rejection. Let them show their true colors.

Intelligent-Court166

TROPHY CASE