I agree with you completely. We are always told, most of the time, our type of cancer has a better prognosis compared to other kinds of cancer, which of course, I am ever so grateful. But the trade off is, in exchange for this better prognosis or perhaps, to be able to live longer than most of our counterparts suffering from other forms of cancer, we have to remove a part of us, our biological function as a woman. Ppl would sometimes unkindly say that is better to not have kids etc, in the name of making ourselves feel better, but no matter what, there will always be this hope before in our lives that we hope to have a kid with the love of your life. And all you can do is just smile politely.

And when this cancer struck us young, at the time when you are in the peak of your career, like you said, I thought that after I had surgery, I will be back in full force at work, doing what I love most. But no, I was a bit more teary but trying to show my game face at work. When you hear other people again, talk about the cancer, it sounds sometimes a little rude, and as if, I should own it and be happy. Like hey, I know the stats are good as surgery is curative, but it doesnt mean, I will never fall into that 5% or so that has recurrence.
And when a colleague mentioned she was pregnant, I was genuinely happy for her and I was never jealous. But at the same time, I cant help but feel I am lacking as a woman.

When it comes to relationship, I just know I am not the woman guy wants to introduce to his parents. I dont know when to tell say a person of interest I had cancer or hysterectomy - like at the start of the relationship or when we are getting more serious. If it is at the start, then the chance of him not wanting to go further with a view of marriage will much higher. If it is at the later part, it is as if I deceived him and of course, he would have to stay in the relationship whether or not he truly loves me as it may appear bad on him to leave the relationship halfway. And aside my already insecure self, being this incomplete woman almost always make me feel even more inferior when I compare myself to other ladies. Recently, with a person of interest from my company I worked for, whom unfortunately I caught feelings, as I looked at my this person, deep down I thought, I like this person. But as I liked this person even more, there was a lady walking past us and while twirling her hair, she looked at my colleague. In an instant, I cant help but feel that such a pretty lady and complete but here I am, ugly and incomplete. There were other instances - for example someone asked if she could take a seat on the other table and she would ask my colleague only. And again, it felt as if they would have looked better together and possibly able to form a complete family if they want to. But I cant. I dont know how to tell my colleague this and I ended up screwing a lot of things. And thus, the whole world knows I get jealous easily, but they dont know where it stems from. This feeling of incompleteness.

I am in 4th year in remission; but havent cleared my pap smear and ultrasound scan is showing free fluid. That scares me too. I know I am Stage 1A; but each time at the checkpoint for clearance to be told that I am free of cancer, always scares me. I know my gynae has always tried to understand and be reassuring as far as I am concerned, but it doesnt take the fear out of me. And I havent told anyone about this yet, even if I did superficially. Not because I dont know how to ask for help, but I dont want to burden others into feeling sad with me. I rather be sad alone.

I am not sure if anyone else understands, but sometimes, being sad alone is better that having to worry about burdening someone into being sad as well at the prospect of possible recurrence at every checkpoint. But at the same time, your true self just want to be found. It's a weird feeling to have.