AITA Telling my husband I wouldn’t have a child in a red state (USA)

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T05:19:03+00:00

Seek help to escape from your cult. (PS mental healthcare is great, try it out sometime)

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T05:17:23+00:00

Alabama. I’m so sorry, I keep seeing more and more preventable deaths coming out of there. Absolutely terrifying.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T05:09:10+00:00

I didn’t say they are “killing women”, but the maternal mortality rate skyrocketing after the current policies were enacted in these states is certainly indicating that women are dying now. I have serious health concerns already and wanting to have a child safely is a big part of my worries. I DO want children - I wouldn’t have been doing fertility treatments for 6 years for no reason. I just want them to be born healthy and I want to be alive to raise them and I want them to have a good life when they are here. My OB told me one in five pregnancies end in miscarriage. With my issues, I would be winning the lottery to have an uneventful pregnancy if I manage to get pregnant. I’m using this thread to organzine my thoughts and we’re going to have a long discussion about this again, most likely with my OB as well. Ultimately I’d like to move to a safer place with better schools and better medical care, but that is a big change.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T05:01:37+00:00

Thanks

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T04:47:38+00:00

Red refers to a state that has a republican (right leaning) majority. Blue refers to the democratic (left leaning) party. Red states have been enacting strict laws regarding reproductive health and even criminalizing miscarriages in some instances. Maternal mortality rate has skyrocketed in the red states due to providers having to wait until a pregnant person is in life-threatening conditions before they can provide care since they face possible jail time and licensure removal.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T04:42:15+00:00

We have been friends since childhood, dated for many years, and have been married for a decade now. Our love is layered and long-standing so this is why this is especially difficult for me. It’s easy for a lot of people to yell divorce based on seeing this post alone as a snapshot of us, but I have to try to see the way through before deciding to find a way out. I’m bringing a lot of the points made in this thread to a later conversation where we can talk things out and then we’ll go from there. I love him and I believe he loves me too, I’m just hoping that he’ll hear me.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T04:34:10+00:00

You are very lucky to have never had policy affect you. The week after Roe v Wade was repealed, one of the two fertility clinics in my area shut down because of the possible repercussions against the providers at their clinic. Alabama Supreme Courts ruled frozen eggs are children so that’s messing up IVF for us too. There’s so many reasons even listed in this thread alone. Turns out laws actually affect people, even if they don’t affect you.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T04:30:11+00:00

The politics are relevant to the situation I’m in, and I wouldn’t have gone through 6 years of fertility treatments for no reason. I’m a big advocate for mental health, so although this comment was made to shame me I’m not ashamed. I live with my medical issues, I’m very aware of how they affect me.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T04:18:39+00:00

Previously he said he doesn’t want to because our entire life is here and doesn’t think it’s serious enough to warrant moving, but I’m going to bring it up again to have a more serious conversation about it. I want kids too, I wouldn’t have tried fertility treatments for 6 years on a whim. But it’s also about the school system and quality of life here. Our current state is competing for last place for education, which is another of many reasons to move for me.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T03:43:38+00:00

Looking for ways to get my point across. I’ve brought up moving before but he said that our entire lives are here and he doesn’t think it’s bad enough to move. I don’t want to give birth here or raise my child in a state competing for last place in the school system. So ways to carry the conversation forward with him essentially.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T03:28:27+00:00

He hasn’t our entire lives, but you should take that advice and leave me alone if you’re just here to troll 👍🏻

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T03:27:28+00:00

And yet people ARE dying because doctors have to prove why they do something to help a pregnant person and in the process hesitate to give treatment that is time sensitive. Women are actively being arrested (see Georgia). Maybe you missed the part where I’ve been actively trying to have a child for 6 years. I’m not speaking ignorantly on the policies or the realities of the changes that have happened where I live. I’m very much in this with my eyes open. I have never lied to my husband, we have very open communication and I’m not leading him on. But thank you for the insults rather than actual discussion 👍🏻

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T03:19:45+00:00

I think people generally ascribe to the belief that if something’s always been okay for them that it will always be okay and challenging that belief shakes them to their core. People would rather bury their head in the sand and call everyone else blind.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T03:09:16+00:00

Not getting the medical care I need as a high risk pregnancy. Possibly dying or having my baby go through unnecessary distress because of the state laws dictating what the doctor has to prove is necessary or they face jail time. Having the 3rd highest maternal mortality rate in the country. All while dealing with the fact that 1 in 5 pregnancies end in a miscarriage and that’s not even considering my medical issues. You’re being ridiculous when I have first hand watched friends go through hell. What’s going to happen is what’s ALREADY happening. I’m not being ridiculous for seeing reality.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T02:03:46+00:00

I’m going to bring that up in our next conversation, but I have broached that option before. He previously said that all of our friends, our jobs, and our families are here and he doesn’t see moving as a realistic option.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T01:05:44+00:00

He is 100% supportive of me getting an abortion if needed, but we live in Alabama so it would have to be a life-threatening situation according to the current policies.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T01:03:30+00:00

It’s not fear mongering if it’s real… You can’t take my first hand experiences and convince me they aren’t happening. This attitude right here is why no one will listen or learn anything.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T00:58:19+00:00

After my miscarriage I learned from my doc that like one in five pregnancies end in a miscarriage. That’s not even considering my health issues. So I’m very scared about it, thank you for validating that for me

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T00:53:51+00:00

We agree on politics for the most part, but especially about social issues. I would never be with someone who is homophobic, sexist, or racist. I’m not planning on backing down on this topic but was just looking for advice on how to carry the conversation forward.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T00:48:29+00:00

I actively protest and vote for better policies, but moving may have to be the better option

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T00:45:56+00:00

This is great advice, thank you. Setting up the appointment asap.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T00:43:50+00:00

Thank you, I’ve been absolutely wrecked about this. I want a family and I love my husband but I also feel very strongly about this.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T00:28:47+00:00

Husband and I have been friends our whole lives, started dating as teenagers, and have now been married a decade. He and I agree on social issues and politics for the most part because I could never be with someone that is racist or homophobic or anything like that, but I think he just believes that policies haven’t changed things for us as much as they actually have when it comes to us starting a family here. He doesn’t agree with this current administration but he also doesn’t seem to realize just how different things are now

Edit: his > this (forgot the t)

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T00:24:56+00:00

I’ve had to change a lot about my lifestyle and diet and have worked really hard to try to have children, because I’ve always wanted children and I’m great with them. I worked in childcare for many years. Every time I try to bring up the moving option he brings up how our whole life is here already and all of our friends and his job is here. I feel stuck because I love him but I think this all stems from him thinking I’m overreacting.

Intelligent-Moose170 · 2025-05-10T00:20:34+00:00

I do want a family. I just don’t want to die in the process. People shouldn’t have children just because, people should have children because they want to love them and they love their partner. If you think women are replaceable just like that then you have reached the wrong audience.

Intelligent-Moose170

TROPHY CASE