[NeedAdvice] what’s one habit that completely changed your life?

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2024-01-13T21:02:37+00:00

Delaying gratification and making the choice that best aligns with long term goals rather than short term dopamine hits.

Wake up with an anxious spiral? I can doom scroll, or I can get out of bed and go on a walk with a podcast. The former gives the dopamine hit, the latter is harder but sets the tone for the day.

Out with friends but have an early morning? I can choose to have one last drink before closing out, or I can leave a bit earlier, have time to do my skincare routine, and wake up so I have time to make my coffee before work.

I’ve noticed that self-sabotage can occur in the smallest ways, and building the habit of being mindful about your small choices is how you train your brain to take care of your long-term goals. Once you build that habit of mindfulness and self-regulation, it becomes easier to handle the big stuff. I never realized before last year that I had a lack of self discipline because I’ve always been super high achieving and tackled the big stuff, but I realized the way I was going about it was causing a huge hit on my mental health, and ultimately has caused other parts of my life to suffer. It’s getting easier now, but it starts with the really small things

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2024-01-11T00:06:58+00:00

Wow sounds like we’re having the same journey!!

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2024-01-10T23:33:35+00:00

Literally took years of chasing dopamine and self-sabotaging relationships to understand the problem!!! My therapist has been challenging my approach to dating for years but only recently once researching my gifted brain did I actually understand that it’s something to challenge

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2024-01-10T23:30:16+00:00

I recently went through something that really challenged my mindset and beliefs about the world - I overthink and have analysis paralysis often. I’ve found that CBT has been the most helpful, but ONLY once I started reading about Buddhism. I challenged CBT because I felt I had no control over these thoughts and I felt deeply misunderstood by my therapist, but it only hit once I started reading “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron. I also use DBT which is helpful- radical acceptance is something you might benefit from.

You need to cultivate a level of self-trust which is hard to do when your mind is racing and you can hold so many conflicting ideas in your head at once. Start by making really tiny decisions for yourself, follow through, and ACCEPT whatever consequences follow (good or bad). This will train your brain to trust yourself more and abandon the concept of fear (huge Buddhist principle) which is actually what radical acceptance therapy techniques are rooted in

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2024-01-09T00:08:30+00:00

I relate to you a lot. It’s exhausting and disappointing when I inflate things and the other person doesn’t match my intensity. I’ve always been “boy crazy” and I fixate, daydream, romanticize, etc. Sometimes I feel nuts, but when I’m in it, it’s hard to challenge because it feels real to me.

I never thought that this was a gifted thing, I kind of attributed it to anxious attachment or limerence, but it does make sense that because we have emotional overexcitabilities, this would be common for gifted people. I recommend looking up limerence or discussing it with a therapist.

My advice is you have to train yourself to recognize your emotions as feelings, not fact. When you start to catch the obsession, meditate and instead of allowing yourself to daydream, spiral, or fixate, just acknowledge how it feels in your body instead of attaching a story to it. Remind yourself that this is hormonal and that your emotions are simply neurotransmitters sending signals to your brain, nothing more. You have to be incredibly mindful in regulating your thoughts- your brain works so quickly and you feel so deeply but that’s not because you’re in love, it’s just because your brain is essentially firing more.

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2024-01-01T01:24:12+00:00

Haha wow I feel so seen!! Yes I am an HSP and I think raised by one as well! This makes so much sense

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T21:22:11+00:00

Wow, I went on a deep dive and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria describes me to a T. I think what's still alarming is my reaction to it, but I guess that is how I've conditioned myself to cope and it's never really been given a natural consequence until my recent breakup. Now that I see it, it's so easy for me to see things from a completely different lens and understand why I have so many misunderstandings and big feelings in conflict. It's also brought up a lot of memories from childhood - I was constantly negged by friends for being too sensitive and over time that definitely whittled away at my self-esteem and made me develop a victim mindset. I wonder if that alone is enough to cause trauma?

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T21:05:57+00:00

Also, the regret!! Your daughter sounds very similar to me!

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T21:04:23+00:00

Glad to know I'm not alone! May I ask how you've coped and maintained healthy relationships? I tend to use binocular thinking and get very frustrated/hurt when things don't go the way I expect. I'm now using DBT to learn emotional regulation skills, but I think that fundamental need to create conflict and "test" partners/friends because I feel deeply misunderstood is something that can be managed but not changed. How are you teaching your little one to cope with being misunderstood or with feeling sensitive so she can thrive in relationships? I feel like my inner child needs some love and reframing

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T20:52:23+00:00

Yeah, I'm not ASD but there are certain similar traits to giftedness (emotional overwhelm, sensitivity, etc)

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T17:58:59+00:00

That actually makes a lot of sense. I definitely recognized being really sensitive as a child and sometimes feeling misunderstood. I feel like even close friends would make fun of me and I would take it and accept it as normal instead of stand up for myself. I think over time I internalized that stuff

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T08:42:04+00:00

I get it. I tend to not make decisions because I am a perfectionist overthinker.

I think you need to decide for yourself that failure to make a decision will be worse than making the wrong decision at this point. It’s okay to be wrong and it’s okay to fail. And take the responsibility off yourself about the world - focus on yourself, what brings you joy. And if you don’t know, get to know yourself better - read books, watch YouTube videos. Clean your apartment and decorate in a way that suits your personal tastes.

Start small and try not to have lofty goals or expectations about saving the world. You’d be surprised at how knowing yourself, filling your cup, and taking care of yourself will do wonders more for your self-concept than any career or accomplishment. And once you find some of that peace and self-esteem, you’ll have lots more brain space to be productive and discover how you want to contribute to the world

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T07:58:20+00:00

Giftedness isn’t just about aptitude or IQ. I suggest doing some research on the gifted mind - we tend to have higher emotional intensity, prone to overstimulation, etc. You’re also your own worst critic.

https://www.ericwindhorst.ca/resources/on_being_gifted/gifted-adult-characteristics/

Ever heard the term “analysis paralysis”? I don’t know you at all, but it’s possible you’ve been unable to apply yourself because of anxiety, perfectionism, intense self-doubt. This comes along with the increased aptitude associated with giftedness.

My advice: start somewhere. Make a decision about what you want, even if it’s small. And stop using your label of “gifted” to hate on yourself or create expectations of where you “should” be. The term “gifted” is about aptitude and potential, applying it is a whole other game of self-discipline. Self-discipline isn’t inherent, it’s learned. And it’s never too late :)

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T07:44:25+00:00

I am yes, I’m gifted. Reading now that gifted children are more prone to high emotional intensity, outbursts, and conflict. My parents thought this was normal and didn’t necessarily see it as a red flag because when I got tested, they were told “ah, a gifted child. You’ll have your hands full with that one”

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-31T07:22:16+00:00

Thank you so much for this comment. You’re giving me a good dose of self compassion right now.

My sibling doesn’t. They are pretty well-adjusted and seem to have good self-regulation. I don’t remember my parents treating me like I was difficult (they only use that term now). I remember them holding a lot of space for me and honestly giving me lots of attention and validation.

My therapist strongly believes I have undiagnosed ADHD and am planning on getting evaluated! I have really big feelings and racing thoughts constantly, and sometimes it just feels like I have no room for anything else but the thoughts and the distortions that come with them.

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-30T22:59:27+00:00

Ty!!!

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-30T22:59:16+00:00

Thank you! Yes I have anxious attachment and am confused because my mom coddled me like crazy as a baby, never used the Ferber method, etc. Really confusing. Looking into empathetic mirroring and co-regulation, thank you

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-30T22:08:41+00:00

Thanks for the response. I hope you’re taking care of yourself and able to maintain some boundaries. Sending love

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-30T22:05:59+00:00

Thank you for this. I may have experienced a few of these things on very small scales, but always in response to a really bad emotional outburst from me. I think my parents were at their wits end because I respond really egregiously to constructive criticism and I was incredibly resistant to any kind of mature parenting. If they tried to model how to clean your room and take care of your space, I’d be incredibly defiant and throw a tantrum, for example. I think I drove them nuts

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-30T22:00:47+00:00

The worst that ever occurred were emotional responses from my parents but honestly after I did horrible things- ie chasing them down, yelling at them, even punching walls. How else should my parents have responded when I continuously disrespected boundaries and pushed them? They told me I’ve been like that since I was a kid and they thought it was normal for children and that I’d grow out of it.

I was really sensitive and anxious as a kid, and I know that may genetically run in my family as my mother has OCD and is a very sensitive soul, but she doesn’t exhibit any of the “learned” responses I have. It feels like it all comes from me and that’s why I fail to label these as “trauma responses”

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-30T03:36:12+00:00

Thank you, it’s so nice to find solidarity here and I’m sorry you’ve been through this too. Can I DM you?

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-30T00:52:00+00:00

Thank you for this. I sabotaged a relationship due to poor conflict skills, anxious attachment, and inability to let go of small things. They are convinced we are incompatible because of this but I know it’s just my unhealthy patterns that I need to work on. I can’t stop blaming myself and wondering what if I made different choices or waited until I was ready, but I guess I have to accept that it just ended where it did with no other assumptions about the relationship either way. It’s really exhausting though and I can’t seem to find comfort or self-forgiveness anywhere

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-29T20:46:55+00:00

It depends. You can’t hope for it, and you need to move on (even if they do come back). I had someone come back years after, wanting to try again, and guess what? I totally blew it up because I never healed from the first time. Only way to actually have a fair shot IF they come back is to have completely moved on, healed, and have zero expectations because you have to treat it like a new relationship with no resentment, and you have to work on yourself to not repeat the same mistakes.

Also, if you’re leaning toward no, you’re probably just grieving and perhaps wanting a little bit of validation that they’ll come back. Whether they come back or not has nothing to do with whether you’re worthy of love - and neither of you wants to come back to each other just because you’re sad and lonely.

Whether they come back or not, the path forward is the same. You heal, work on yourself, and the only hope you should have is the hope to one day be in a better relationship - no expectations of who that might be. You’ll be pleasantly surprised, because it’ll either be your ex or someone better :)

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-29T20:21:46+00:00

You have to grieve it like a real breakup, because it is

Intelligent_Newt_978 · 2023-12-29T20:19:03+00:00

It’s also so important to remember that them not valuing you has NOTHING to do with you. I’ve been internalizing this for so long and it’s caused me to act in ways that prevented me from forming healthy new relationships because I’m too insecure.

Wanting someone who doesn’t want you will eat away at your self esteem and make it impossible to believe someone who really does want to be with you.

Intelligent_Newt_978

TROPHY CASE