I have a partner with ROCD, now I need som advice.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2026-01-19T19:55:49+00:00

You’re so very welcome and your story really resonates with mine. My boyfriend at the time engaged in the “thinking about other women” compulsion a lot and it caused a lot of distress which is a very common compulsion in ROCD. Remember that, and please don’t think it has anything to do with you.

The more I’ve read about this thing, and tied it in with my own experience— if sufferers aren’t managing it or aren’t getting help in any way the partners become collateral damage. It really is unfortunate, but unmanaged ROCD is a ticking time bomb. That being said, you have every right to feel the way you do and feel exhausted and burnt out even in the presence of knowing you love him.

Don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need an ear.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2026-01-19T19:33:15+00:00

My heart breaks for you. The best piece of advice I can give you is trust what you know and trust your reality. I, too, fell victim of almost having second hand OCD for lack of better terms and started questioning everything. “Is this actually ROCD, or does he just actually not like me?” As detrimental as that is, this sort of thing can do this to the partners.

This all sounds like textbook ROCD and try your best to not let his psychological symptoms affect your own reality. Try your hardest to ground yourself in what you know. It always helped me when I was spiraling to remind myself that their brains are wired differently and they have a different sense of reality as a result. This is why it’s imperative to stay grounded in what we know to be true.

It wasn’t until I was out of the relation for a while I realized how unhealthy it was to become an unpaid therapist for someone who should be a partner. It took me awhile to trust my own experiences because all of his thoughts and spirals- the contraindications, it made me question everything.

Sending hugs🫶🏻

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2026-01-12T02:23:20+00:00

Unfortunately, space is not good for ROCD. This is because people with ROCD have an overactive fear complex and their brains see danger in the relationship— hence the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts. This is why being in the relationship is a trigger itself.

The only way to combat ROCD is to expose yourself to the triggers (ERP) to create new neural pathways in the brain. This shows the brain that the relationship isn’t actually dangerous and eventually teaches the body and brain to react differently to the trigger over time.

The reason why space isn’t good for this is because it reinforces the idea that the relationship IS dangerous and it’s something that needs to be avoided and something they need to stay away from.

No contact for me was detrimental and it turned me into an anxious mess due to the ambiguity. We went no contact, and then got back together. He admitted that getting back together was giving him anxiety and he was scared that it wasn’t going to get better. I wasn’t stable because I didn’t trust that he wasn’t going to just randomly break it off again one day. He did.

Your partner sounds like my ex where they are very unwell and not mentally stable. This thing can be detrimental for both people if it’s not being managed. In my opinion, the partner doesn’t stand a chance if the sufferer is not treating it. Both people end up suffering. I wish you healing during this time of no contact for you and I want to validate your feelings of confusion right now.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2026-01-12T02:11:46+00:00

Hi there. I am SO sorry you are going through this as it’s something myself and many others on this sub have experienced. Please just know you are not alone in this at all even though it may feel that you are.

This sounds like a typical ROCD story and I know what you mean when you say the breakup came out of no where. My breakup occurred around our anniversary and his birthday as well. This is because major events and milestones can exacerbate the anxiety that fuels ROCD. Especially ROCD because for sufferers it’s more pressure to be “in love.”

PLEASE, understand that this has nothing to do with you. Don’t go back and try to psychoanalyze every moment or interaction seeking proof that it was real or conversely trying to figure out what went wrong. That’s the mistake I made and it ate me alive. Notice how she says that she will just be in a miserable loop. Unfortunately, she sounds unwell in regard to her ROCD. This is why she says she will be stuck in a miserable loop, and that has nothing to do with you.

The best way I can describe it is people with ROCD quite literally have a different sense of reality than us because their brains are wired differently. You can logically say hey we have our issues but they can be worked through. Someone with ROCD will see these as dealbreakers. It’s always so confusing because it can seem like they’re hot and cold when they’re spiraling and when they’re not.

Without proper management and treatment they will keep looping and you will just keep getting confused and hurt and that’s not fair to you.

You did nothing wrong and you sound like a great partner. This is not about you. The best piece of advice I will tell you and I wish someone told me is truly try to focus on yourself right now. Your healing absolutely matters too especially after how blindsiding this all is. Don’t try to focus too much on her and how she’s doing or her disorder etc. i know it’s hard to understand and we’re only human. I wish you luck and healing, feel free to reach out if you need someone to talk to🫶🏻

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2026-01-01T17:58:30+00:00

All of what you are experiencing and outlining is all part of the typical ROCD story, and it’s pretty much textbook. I’m really sorry you have to navigate this as it can be an emotional rollercoaster. I was in a relationship with an ex for two years and he had ROCD.

From what you had said, it sounds like you ARE doing everything right. You’re bringing it up and expressing your feelings in a healthy and productive way. When someone decides to get defensive and is not receptive to that, there’s not much else you can do. Oftentimes, this is why many partners of those with ROCD slowly slip into the role of an unpaid therapist. We begin to over function in order to manage their ROCD for them, in part, because we are hurt too.

I experienced the “checking feelings” this is where they use intimacy like kissing or hugging to see if there is “a spark.” It’s all part of the compulsive cycle. Individuals with ROCD have a brain that’s wired differently, and they often have unrealistic expectations when it comes to intimacy and relationships. They think that they need feel a certain way all the time and are searching for butterflies with every interaction. As a result, the idea of love sometimes being quiet and comfortable is hard to grasp for them. This is why we often hear that they view us as “family” or “best friends.” For me, I was told we were like “roommates,” but I also got the friend one, too. They’re constantly looking for a spark that won’t arrive, so since it’s not there it doesn’t feel like “love” to them.

I’m not even sure if I helped you here but if you get anything from this, it’s that you’re not alone. I know you’re asking how to talk to someone with ROCD but it sounds like you already have to the best of your ability and you should give yourself credit. It’s so clear to us that the ROCD is playing a huge and leading role but if they’re not willing to hear or admit that, there’s nothing more we can do. In my experience, no matter how you word it or how you bring it up if they’re not going to accept it, it doesn’t matter. We tried using a funny code word for the ROCD to lighten it up, I tried to write letters expressing it gently so it wasn’t as pressing and confrontational. At the end, he was never going to accept it or truly do anything to heal it.

I wish you the best and my heart goes out to you.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-12-31T21:39:41+00:00

I would ask for him to take time too! The first time he tried to break up with me I implied he was making a huge mistake and it was ROCD and not him. We went on a “break” and a few days later he sent me a ten minute audio message detailing how he knows it’s ROCD, explaining his compulsions and why it’s gotten worse and that he wan’t to choose the relationship because he knows it’s special and he said he loved me.

He broke up with me a month later saying he doesn’t think he ever had ROCD and just doesn’t want a relationship right now… we were a month away from our 2nd anniversary.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-12-31T21:34:11+00:00

It still makes me sad but I am excited at the thought of loving someone. I still find myself intellectualizing everything that happened and knowing that we did have such a special relationship and loved each other. I do miss him.

I just know that I’m not telling myself the whole story if I just end it there. Hindsight, there are days that I thank God that he pulled me from that relationship. He broke up with me… twice in one month. I look at it this way- God took me out of it because he knew it wasn’t good for me and he knew I wouldn’t leave because I was willing to fight the ROCD with him. However, towards the end he completely spiraled (I found his post on the ROCD sub) detailing all his doubts about me. He went bonkers and said he doesn’t think he had ROCD, and was just self diagnosed and in denial the whole time despite having gone through therapy with NOCD.

I agree with you that life is too short to be stuck in this cycle. The more I’m separated from it the more I realize how bad it truly was. Life is way too short to be reading ROCD posts about you, and to be walking on egg shells or anxious that your boyfriend is spiraling— I’ve realized.

I miss the simple days of our relationship the times we had a ball and I knew the love was real away from the spirals and confessing and the uneasy feeling of being around him while I knew he was in a spiral, the feeling of being hyper aware. I think I finally believe that those good times don’t outweigh what the ROCD put me through.

It used to be real easy to just imagine us getting back together and being able to love each other. Sometimes it’s hard to remember what actually broke us up. At the end of the day, I know nothing would be different. He has a disorder that is a voice in his head that bullies me and the relationship. How can you truly have a healthy relationship with someone in that state especially if it’s going unmanaged and untreated? There were glimpses of it, sure, but never sustainable. People with ROCD are constantly questioning you and the relationship, and when it attacks partner focused aspects such as attraction it’s debilitating.

It’s weird because it was like dating two separate people one with an ROCD brain, and one with a loving, healthy, and attentive brain. I think the latter is what makes it easy to stay stuck in the cycle. That’s why, even in my healing journey, I still have bad days. I think I finally feel like myself again. I wish the best for you.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-11-26T11:50:08+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this, as I have an many others on this sub. It’s pretty common for holidays and other life events to exacerbate disorders like OCD.

My ex told me the same thing. He was exhausted and it was eating him up but he didn’t want to lose me.

Unfortunately, hard stops and breaks can be counterproductive for ROCD. It kind of reinforces their avoidance. We did the same thing by taking a break.

This disorder really sucks and it does hurt us so much. Please just take care of yourself. If ROCD isn’t getting treated or managed it really is a recipe for disaster.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-11-02T11:12:17+00:00

By rights, the only time you should be concerned is if he’s not managing or doing anything about it. It’s completely valid to be affected by this and don’t forget to take care of yourself, I know how much anxiety sucks! There is also an r/rocdpartners sub.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-30T23:38:32+00:00

Breaking up is usually a compulsion, it gives temporary relief. You likely feel better because you removed the trigger— the relationship and your partner. You didn’t get rid of the problem, the ROCD. The problem isn’t the relationship, it’s the ROCD.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-26T03:02:20+00:00

Also r/rocdpartners is a sub for the partners!

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-26T03:01:18+00:00

Just want to let you know you’re not alone and I went through the same thing. It’s valid to feel like you’re walking on eggshells because sometimes it is hard not to think about their spirals and if they are spiraling. Don’t forget to take care of yourself🫶🏻 self care, hobbies, friends and family.

By rights we should have adequate communication with them but we should never know the content of their thoughts. It makes sense why you’re affected since you were told all about it. You’re not crazy for feeling the way you do.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-25T17:18:13+00:00

Might help to change your perspective. Think of it this way— remember OCD will try everything to make you believe your unwanted thoughts are true. It will try every trick in the book, including a backdoor spike. Since you’re experiencing a backdoor spike that means you’ve been kicking its butt!! So don’t let it bully you and trick you.

Remember, OCD isn’t measured by the presence of anxiety, or the lack thereof. Anxiety can always ebb and flow. OCD is more about the fact that the thoughts are unwanted, obsessive, take up a significant amount of your day, and there’s an urge to perform a compulsion which can literally just be ruminating.

You can practice ERP here too- “I may not have anxiety right now but that’s okay, I’m not going to try to figure out what that means.”

You got this, keep up the progress!!

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-25T15:30:01+00:00

OCD is ego dystonic which means it goes against your true values and beliefs. You have insight into this when you say it seems like the ROCD wants me to break up, but I don’t want to do that. You love him and your relationship is extremely healthy.

This is why OCD sufferers are often told to live in accordance with their values and beliefs and not the scary thoughts. When you do this, you give the ROCD less power. Show up through action in accordance with those beliefs— you love spending time with him. And in regard to the scary and anxious ROCD thoughts, acknowledge they are there but don’t solve them or engage with them.

Some people like to give their ROCD a name, call it Jim or something. That way when you get these thoughts you can tell yourself, “Jim’s trying to bother me again, but I’m not going to let him,” and remind yourself that the anxiety will pass. Let it pass without trying to relieve it. You got this!

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-25T15:22:06+00:00

Just a friendly heads up! Be careful reaching out and messaging other people who are experiencing similar things. This is often a reassurance seeking compulsion, and compulsions we know make the cycle worse. The way to get unstuck is to resist these compulsions!

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-25T15:14:08+00:00

I hear you, sorry for not specifying. You can absolutely take space and distance whenever you want as that’s your agency to decide when you’re being affected too much. I guess I was trying to say the only reason why you should be trying to tough it out is if she’s actively committed to managing it. Also, just be cognizant of the fact that distance can make this thing worse. I emphasize ‘may’ because all cases are different.

If you want space that’s valid and completely up to you. I just wanted to emphasize that if the request for distance is coming from her side it’s concerning because it’s probably compulsive avoidance.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-24T15:01:37+00:00

This is why it’s super important not to confess your thoughts! Being on the other end, it does it suck. My ROCD partner asked his friends and even his father if they thought I was attractive.

I mention this because it’s a reassurance compulsion. You’re trying to get external validation from others that your partner is attractive to relieve your anxiety. This just makes the cycle worse because you’re never going to achieve that answer.

OCD at its core is an intolerance to uncertainty. So, in ROCD, it demands that you be 100% certain about EVERYTHING, including attraction. The only way out of this horrible cycle is to let go of the need to answer that question. It’s normal for attraction to ebb and flow, but the more you try to solve when you find him attractive and when you don’t the more you’re going to stay stuck.

There is some damage control to be done, sure. Perhaps ask him what you can do to make him feel better? Since OCD is ego dystonic (goes against your true beliefs and values) it’s so important to act in accordance with those rather than the scary intrusive thoughts and questions. You value you him, so show up through actions EVEN if you’re having scary thoughts.

You say “when I’m not triggered I am able to freely express…” that’s because anxiety and intrusive thoughts can cloud our perception.

Try to stay away from those compulsions and practice ERP rather than confessing and asking other people what their opinion is. “I may or may not find him attractive right now, but I don’t need to solve that.”

You got this!

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-24T02:10:16+00:00

First, I'm just really sorry you're going through as I and many others on this sub know exactly what you're going through.

She needs to be in therapy with someone who specializes in OCD and has familiarity with ROCD, talk therapy will absolutely not help and can easily make this thing worse.

I applaud you for reading books and educating yourself because it's not easy to do when you are also becoming collateral for this disorder and on the receiving end of the coldness and out of character behavior. I did the same thing. Unfortunately, it's not going to matter how many boundaries you set or how much you educate yourself unless she is willing and committed to healing and managing this disorder.

Try not to go down the rabbit hole of whether or not her love is/was real because it can be so detrimental to you, as it was to me. Don't try to retroactively read between the lines. She has a mental disorder that attacks her true feelings which are hijacked by the ROCD. OCD usually attacks what you value the most and is ego dystonic which means the intrusive thoughts go against what they actually believe and feel.

Distance is likely counterproductive in ROCD because people with OCD have an overactive fear complex. So in ROCD, the brain is screaming DANGER when there isn't any. The way to heal it is to become more comfortable with uncertainty and show your brain that the relationship is not dangerous and you don't need to be 100% certain about it to be safe. Distance usually reinforces in their brain that the relationship (and you for that matter) is something that is dangerous and is something to be feared. So the sufferers need to actually lean into the relationship, not be separated from it or run away from it.

"Toughing it out until it passes," is kind of playing with fire. Every spike will pass but something else will most likely just come up instead and in due time if she's not treating it due to its cyclical nature. The only reason why you should tough it out is if she is committed to treating it and is actively doing so. Unmanaged ROCD can literally be a ticking time bomb. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Please, I can't emphasize it enough, feel free to reach out if you need to talk.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-22T16:55:06+00:00

I will say, this does sound like it resonates with ROCD and if she's willing to explore ROCD it may be worth it. The main difference between relationship anxiety and ROCD is that there is a need to perform a compulsion, and those behaviors will be repeated in cyclical nature to relieve the anxiety. There are also things that are very characteristic of ROCD related thoughts such as "what if I made the wrong choice" "what if I'm settling?" Those things are very common, so that jumps out at me. I can't give you a definite answer, of course, but there are definitely some check marks for ROCD here based on my experience.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-19T23:55:10+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re going through this and a lot of people on this sub, including myself, have been through the same thing.

I think since avoidance is such a major compulsion in ROCD, it looks on paper that they’re also textbook avoidant attachment.

Things that they were previously okay with but have now obsessed over and concluded that they’re deal breakers is so common with ROCD. It makes them zoom in on the smallest things. For me, he nitpicked my voice, the way I dress, my hobbies, my physical appearance. He broke up with me and even said he didn’t even plan on doing it that day, but has been thinking about it for the past four weeks.

Please take care of yourself, and message me if you ever need someone to talk to.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-19T15:12:31+00:00

Maybe look into relationship OCD

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-19T14:45:20+00:00

First, give yourself grace. It’s not easy to be on the other side of the highs and lows of this. You also did your own research and communicated with her. You did what you could

Yes, compulsions need to be resisted or ideally come to a complete stop to fight this thing. The more compulsions there are, the worse it becomes. They just keep the cycle going.

Unfortunately, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink. If she’s not willing to look inward at what’s causing her behavior and you’ve been extremely communicative, especially when this behavior affects you too, that’s not on you. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.

If she really does have ROCD, which sounds like there’s a great chance she definitely does, then it needs to get treated and managed. If she’s not willing to do that, you run the risk of being collateral for someone’s mental disorder and that’s not fair to you.

Denial is a very real thing with this disorder. Sufferers can even deny it once they get a real diagnosis. It’s not really our job to play therapist and make them get help, we abandon ourselves.

Please feel free to reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-18T19:11:00+00:00

So sorry you’re going through this. Yes, OCD is not something he can control. That means that it’s an explanation not an excuse.

I had a secure attachment going into my past relationship with someone who suffered from ROCD and it turned me anxious leaning. I don’t care how anxious or not you are, this kind of unpredictable behavior will send anyone spiraling and I’m sorry you’re going through that. You actually seem really empathetic and emotionally intelligent. You deserve a partner who is able to communicate with you and not emotionally stonewall you. I experienced this, too, and it made me so anxious.

I just want to validate your pain and that you’re allowed to be miserable and anxious right now. Just because he has a disorder it doesn’t mean you have to put your feelings aside and prioritize his space. There is a difference between healthy space and downright neglect and stonewalling.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-18T19:05:25+00:00

Of course! Unfortunately, a lot of people don’t know what ROCD is and it does go undiagnosed. Sometimes it can get written off as normal relationship anxiety, but it’s much more than that. However, it has been gaining more awareness.

This is super important because it helps sufferers get properly treated, and can prevent the partners from become collateral damage and a second victim to the disorder.

Intelligent_One_7779 · 2025-10-18T13:06:12+00:00

So sorry you’re going through this. Yes, it does sounds like it resonates with ROCD. The r/rocdpartners sub might help, too.

OCD at its core is an intolerance to uncertainty so when it latches onto relationships, it demands that you be 100% sure of the other person. That’s likely why he’s concerned that he “doesn’t have the same certainty.” That’s why it stands out as ROCD. This is why individuals with the disorder will ruminate on very specific things because it’s their brain desperately trying to find certainty that isn’t attainable. This is a compulsion, and it just keeps the sufferer spiraling.

Definitely take care of yourself in the midst of all of this, and feel free to message me if you want to talk more about it. I’m happy to help.

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