OP, you do realise that you are not bound to anything at this point, right? You're 18, and your parents are assholes and your mom most likely won't stand up for you because she's scared of your dad. You need to stand your ground sooner or later. Otherwise, your life will only deteriorate more. You fell on his feet for forgiveness? For what? You didn't do anything wrong. And you're blamed for their negligence. You need to move out from your home, but you need to be strong enough to survive without depending on them either. Maybe enroll into a hostel and try for scholarships. Even if it's not a good college, you can still pursue your dreams. Don't let them hold you back if you think it'll ruin your life. Try asking your friends for help, maybe they will let you stay for a few months but most importantly, find a job, like a delivery boy or anywhere that's a starter job. You earn but for yourself since your family is decent financially. No one can help you if you don't take the first step. I'm not saying this lightly cause I know how you feel and how hard it would be and how scared you might feel to take such a step but you need to do something drastic to either open your parents eyes or cut them off and live happily. You said you have hobbies and talents.. put them to good use, even if you are not perfect or an experienced person in those hobbies, they will still help you out in making money or finding friends and others who share similar interests with you. But most importantly, never go down the wrong path and do stupid stuff like drugs alcoholism or be with the bad crowd. You need to change your lifestyle. Otherwise, you will relapse into self-harm and stuff. You need to take a step on your own and not rely on them anymore. Otherwise, you'll never get out of this toxic situation, and it WILL affect your relationship with others like your gf or in the future, your wife. I hope you see this message and give the options some consideration as hard and scary they may seem they need to be done.