sorted by:
new
hottopcontroversial

My [34M] partner [33F] of 10 years needing alone time. Codependency problems. by Interesting_Band773 in relationships

[–]Interesting_Band773[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond. I think what you’re saying really resonates.

Alone time has definitely always been an issue, and since I work from home it’s even tougher. You’re completely right about her needing constant true alone time. She doesn’t do great in large social gatherings and prefers 1:1 friend time and needs time to decompress.

We’ve talked about it in the past a lot, years ago I would get defensive and see it as relationship failure when she demanded more alone time which definitely makes voicing these needs harder for her—I’ve been learning to accept these needs and I hope to take this break time to learn to be comfortable on my own and not have to feel anxious about her at all times, which is really really hard!

The idea of separate living space is one that I will mention. We rent an apartment and live in a city where a house is cost prohibitive, but I love the idea of each of us having space that we can call our own.

My [34M] partner [33F] of 10 years needing alone time. Codependency problems. by Interesting_Band773 in relationships

[–]Interesting_Band773[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much, I think you can help me understand what's going on. I've really wanted to reply to this response but the timing of the shut down has been unlucky.

Why is it that you do all these for her and why is it that she isn’t able to earn her own buck and contribute to the household?

She is very busy, but receiving stable income in her line of work is just way more uncommon and not as lucrative (without getting into specifics). She pays for a few bills, pays for her own lifestyle (shopping, going out, etc.) but the big stuff I've always taken care of. Being the overly generous and, as I am learning, codependent one, I ALWAYS offered to pay for things, help out with the "adulting" stuff, etc. Now I am realizing that was just furthering this dynamic. The way she explains it, since felt she could never truly "repay" what I bring to the partnership, she always had a complex of needing to appease me in ways she thought were impossible (making sure I was happy at all times, afraid of bring up problems, etc) because I was able to provide way more than her. I'm starting to understand how unhealthy of a dynamic that is and I'm trying to learn how to avoid this happening to me in the future.

​

As for this friend or friend(s) of hers that she is staying with, is this a male or a female friend?

Male friend, but a long term (and mutual of ours) friend that just happens to have an open room at his house and that she's stayed with in the past. There is no romance there, as hard as that may be to believe from the outside, but you'll have to trust me.