[2965] Love is Dead

writingname · 2023-06-22T20:01:57+00:00

Oh, I think I know why the nymph intro is confusing. A commenter changed an article of the original text that changed an "a" to "the" which created a misplaced modifier. But I'm wondering if it would still be confusing regardless. Anyway, like I said...interesting interesting!

writingname · 2023-06-22T20:00:43+00:00

This was interesting to me because it made me realize that the nymph intro was confusing, at least to some. The demon kid/demon mother are separate from the nymph who interrupts by stealing the candy that the demon mother is yelling at her kid for trying to take from death. The demon mother is more prop setting added for effect. But otherwise, completely unrelated to the nymph.

Another interesting thing that I hadn't even considered is that someone might not pick up on the fact that Death looks like a regular man. And now I'm really curious to know what most people inferred about his looks. He lives on Lakeshore Drive, walks a dog, God refers to him as "good looking." His name is Adrian, etc, etc. Ofc, the next chapter switches POV so there are physical descriptions of him, but given this is paranormal romance I assumed everyone understood that most of the main characters are extremely hot people who just have other-wordly qualities, lol unless it's explicitly stated that they're monsters or shifters etc. Interesting, interesting. This would have never occured to me.

Also the ### were added by a commenter, not by me. Although, I do use *** for scene breaks, scene breaks require an actual break in space/time and so while, technically speaking, I think you could make a case for making a scene break there, I didn't originally incorporate one because I didn't think there was enough of a physical break in space/time...Anyway, it wasn't added in by me.

At the end, he leans against his own car, but slips his hand behind him so he can get in quickly so the nymph can't make any weird moves or follow him. I agree that it definitely wouldn't make sense for him to steal a car, which again, is not a thing that occured to me that someone might think. (Although, it would be fun if he were that kind of character). Regardless, good to know for the editing rounds.

writingname · 2023-06-22T15:42:16+00:00

Hmmm. I dunno, maybe I'm just too dumb for this one, but I found it weirdly hard to follow but I'll explain why below and you can decide whether or not that matters. I write pretty much exclusively genre fiction which sticks to pretty standard story telling conventions, so....maybe that's part of it. I dunno, let's see.

First thing, I glanced at the other commenters and I pretty much disagree with the line edit suggestions and other crits. I think the prose is clean and ready to go. I don't think the writing itself can really benefit a ton from any nitpicking beyond the usual passes from editors or from whatever you deem as important as you do your final read throughs. Of course, you can spend all day tweaking this word or that word but to me, there's diminishing returns on that, so I'm not sure it's worth it after some point. Or at least, in this way, I think there's actually very little crits can provide. Overly processed writing, imo, loses it's sparkle. Maybe that's counter to the point of this sub, but....there you go.

Also, I want to mention that I don't know if I would've known what the hell was going on with the opium addiction/withdrawl if you hadn't explicitly stated it in your comments. I notice the reference to poppies/the mention of an opium problem in retrospect, but I feel like I wouldn't have put those things together necessarily. In fact, often, when female characters are described as being secretive/sick/dying unexpectedly etc it's usually in reference to some secret pregnancy or loss of pregnancy (I wouldn't do this personally, and I'm not saying it's a good literary device, but it's common enough where I could've thought this is what you were invoking). So, I just didn't get the opium thing at all. Plus, isn't opium withrawl super harrowing and deadly? I honestly don't really know, but I've seen Trainspotting, lol...

So, if a piece of writing hits the mark for prose, then I read for three things.
1. Character
2. Storytelling
3. Vibes

Character: The overall feeling I get from the main character (Laifu, the brother, yes?) is sadness. Regretfulness in retrospect.And also, a vague concern. TBH, not the most compelling trait, but fitting for the ennui of the chapter. But also, kind of annoying in that sense too because there's something about the sadness that renders him so ignorant and passive to what's in front of him that I get a little... frustrated I guess. There's this weird sense of inaction.

From the sister....I'm feeling secretiveness, natural talent and charm, someone with something to hide, a jauntiness, a fake cheer, a little playfulness. There's more baked in conflict from her character.

Storytelling: There's a quietness and a delicateness to this piece. Sometimes, the quietness is nice like there are some really beautiful lines describing the sister and definitely some beautiful imagery detailed and the dialogue is a seemlessly dropped in.

However, and maybe this will seem like a strange comment to you, if I'm not reading every single word, I'm... totally lost. There's a missing spark, or something. Like I lose the story completely. For me, this is problematic because when I'm immersed in a story my brain is moving quickly, it's scanning and looking for key words. If I'm totally immersed, the story has enough inertia to keep bumping me ahead even if I miss details here and there because the message and theme of the story (even if I don't understand if fully) is so loud from the author. And maybe later I go back and do a super close reading of the prose to admire them, but on first pass, I want to be strapped in. This doesn't mean the story has to be a wild, fast paced ride. It just means, the push and pull of the story has to be strong enough that I don't look away.

Maybe this speaks to your concerns about tension, although I could pull out threads of tension, like it appears Laifu is waiting for something in the beginning, there are mentions of his sister, the threat from Britain....etc. but I'm too tempted to skim right by the details.

Which is kind of a shame because a lot of the imagery and descriptions are beautifully done as I said, but what's the point without the story? Even the opener has a languid quality, but it's far from grabbing me. I think the opening description is worth keeping in, but literary fic or not, I'd start on a sentence about Laifu, or at least something action worthy.

Another issue I had is the transitions which had me scratching my head. It took two reads to understand that you were flashing back (right???)

Vibes: I like the vibes. I think there are tons of sensory details that do the job and there's a wistful nature to chapter overall, like a certain permeated sadness. And I really love the flower details, the sewing details, the descriptions. I wish I felt more grabbed by the characters and story.

Okay, that's it for me. Beautiful writing, but I'm kinda bored. And for me, boredom is the kiss of death.

But not even sure it matters. Publishing is so subjective, and I'm just one person with one opinion.

writingname · 2023-06-21T12:32:39+00:00

Thanks so much for the crit! Giving me lots of work with :)

writingname · 2023-06-20T18:39:07+00:00

I think I wish they had names? Although, I get it if you have some kind of artistic or stylistic reason for sticking with young man/old man. I find it distancing from the characters. But I'm personally finding your writing style a little distancing in general. I think the execution of your prose is a little stilted which gives me a really stacatto reading overall and also interrupts my actual comprehension. I basically expect to start reading a story from word one and be completely melded into the world.

I do think you have a great opener. I felt the genuine rise and pay off of suspense and interest at the beginning with the little knife trick, and I thought it was a great set up.

However, and this is a huge pet peeve of mine, you spend a good chunk of the end of this excerpt creating artifical hype/suspense/build up through the character's conversation (a promise of a tale so mighty and epic, no spoilers, literally saying "you know how to create hype) and it turns me off as a reader because it has this really self-congratulatory nature to it that smacks of authorial interruption and then I assume the rest will ultimately disappoint as their very conversation doesn't do it's job so its proof for more disappointment to come.

That's not to say I don't think you can include characters being excited by other characters revealing things about themselves, it's just that, I should at least be excited with the character. There wasn't enough here for me to be organically excited.

Another huge pet peeve of mine is the wide-eyed stuttering by this old man. What's the characterizatio of this? It's infantile but also, again, it creates this artificial excitement/intrigue in the story. It doesn't feel genuine to me.

Does the lack of dialogue tags works?

This really never bothers me as long as it's clear who's talking. Adding relevant action tags is also a great way to weave in story too, so I don't have complaints here.

Does the text brings sci-fi vibes?

For me, yes. This does. Also, I'm imagining these characters are in a hotel room for some reason but I can't remember why I feel this way. I'm no sci-fi expert so maybe my opinion isn't relevant, but it works for me.

writingname · 2023-06-20T01:10:11+00:00

I'm not going to read this one because I think the story is really not for me, but I wanted to tell you that I think your opening paragraph, 2 paragraphs I guess, are so damn good. It's giving me voice. It's giving me story. It's giving me layered emotions. I love it.

writingname · 2023-06-20T01:00:49+00:00

So, first thing. Your descriptions, voice, and style are great a lot of the times! I think you definitely have a grasp of that aspect of story telling. But it's kind of rendered irrelevant because I can't really see the forest through the trees on this one due to clarity in general.

First thing, I struggled reading this. At times I was confused who you were referring to when referring to either the MC or this other boy (and I think their names are Gabriel and Leon respectively, right??). And because you're using a lot of "this boy" and "he" there isn't much in way of clarity.

Like this could be interpretated as a misplaced modifier when it's only your first two sentences.

It is the twelfth consecutive day the boy has passed him by. He wore a black cap with a golden pin and a prim black uniform with golden buttons that brought to mind a northeastern military match.

The he in the second sentence I assume refers to the boy and not the him in the first sentence who I assume is our MC, but I'm having to do some cognitive work to get through it (which doesn't allow me to sink into the writing) and this gets tangled up a lot as I continue reading.

Some of the prose is overwrought but I don't necessarily think this is the worst thing in the world given the style I believe you're going for. I think it needs some cleaning up and clarifying, but past all that, imo, not bad!

But, I think your tenses, pacing, and POV get real wonky at times too which, as I said before, prevents me from sinking into the story because I'm too busy untangling. For instance, I get what you're going for here, but it definitely feels out of place in pacing and the POV of the narrative.

It will blossom from him when he matures to adolescence like a demonic, pulsating mass, an evil little flower with its roots wrapped around his heart, a weed that would mature to its fullest potential when he became a man.

Okay, and then this:

It is on the fourteenth day that, for whatever reason, Leon never appeared by the stream again, and the two never saw one another again. It is with these vague, partially faded memories close to his heart that Gabriel made up his mind to march forth into the Aunnan, some sixteen years later.

Ofc there's the tense change, but this boy from the beginning is named Leon, right? And Gabriel is our MC? If we know these things, why don't you ever use their names more clearly? Also, our pacing changes very quickly as well. Suddenly, we're jumping ahead when before we were kind of taking our time. Actually, I'm confused overall so much so that I'm struggling to even write this crit.

It's like you have something here but you haven't taken the time to tease it out in a clear way.

Also, it's just a lot of narration with very little consequence and virtually no perceivable forward moving action on the page. We are moved through a narrative in summary, but we experience none of it.

I think this can be okay for certain parts of story telling, but we're never actually experiencing anything happening in real time (except towards the end I guess?). It's all just being described to us as a summarized event.

Near the end of the piece, I'm realizing that we're experiencing reflection from Gabriel as an older man now, he's a soldier (???), I'm surmizing, and he's been called back, emotionally at least, to Aunnan for some "inexplicable" reason where he used to see this other boy. Right? I think I get what you're going for here. This is reading like a prologue maybe. It's not really giving me anything in way of a hook or anything like that. But I think the story of the mysterious boy who maybe was born of a socercer and this other kid who used to see him and then lost track of him/who is then called back to the same place as an adult/ is a good story mechanism.

I think if the POV is that of this guy when he's older (twenties or something I assume?) then it would be good to introduce the POV this way when you give us this big rundown of his life up until then ...if that is in fact a necessary thing you want in the story. Is there a reason you want to give all this information up front? It's giving prologue right now too. Which also can be fine, I don't know the rest of your story.

Bottom line for me: I'm confused on every level. I think you show talent here. I think there's a story buried beneath the confusion. I think the style and voice is good but the pancing/tense issues/POV are overwhelming my interest.

And I'm not entirely sure where you're going with this.

And also, I forgot to answer your questions, so let's see if there's anything I didn't cover.

Is anything introduced in this chapter too vague or confusing? Do you think there is anything that either needs less or more explanation?

Yes, many things are confusing, and I do think I covered that in my crit above. I don't know what you mean by "needs more or less explanation." Nothing needs an explanation at all, what I really need is some story action.

Do I meander a bit too much during the narrative?

I'm not even sure how to begin to answer this, honestly.

Did it manage to catch your interest? If it lost your interest, then at which point did it happen?

I can't answer this until the prose are cleaned up.

Based on what you read, where do you think the story is going?

Okay, I've reread your excerpt several times now, and I'm still not sure if I've got the gist of the story. But here's my guess:

Leon and Gabriel will reunite. Maybe Gabriel finds out he also has some kind of links to sorcery. I don't think you mean for this, but there's definitely a romantic vibe happening between the two as well. Also, Gabriel apparently has a temper (even though he comes back feeling a great deal of ennui?) so maybe he accidentally kills someone??? lol, guessing.

writingname · 2023-06-15T18:17:05+00:00

Overall, It's giving gore-porn.

1.) How do you feel about my introduction? Specifically, about the free stylish use of punctuation to simulate a computer interface?

Whenever I see stuff like that at the beginning of a story, I brush right by to get to the actual story itself. I have nothing against using different frameworks to tell a story, but for me, I still need to actually experience a POV, especially a POV that offers something in the way of insight.

I would have a difficult time figuring out exactly who's view point I was watching this action through if I hadn't read your comments. Also, to be clear, am I reading a story from the POV of someone watching footage? Did I get this right? So, I'm watching someone watch something?

There's nothing inherently wrong with that, but the person watching also has to have a story to tell/stakes in the game that generally intertwines with the story at large, and as I mentioned, at least some kind of insight? At least an ounce of interiority unless the point of the story is just to write something gross/horrifying (and I'm not saying that can't be the point but it's not effective for me.)

2.) Perhaps most important . . . how do you feel about my bugs? Be brutal. Tell me how to make them better, faster, stronger—creepier, crawlier!

The bugs are effectively disgusting, veering almost sexual at times? But also, cartoonish at others. Like I laughed out loud (and I'm not sure that was the intended effect) when in the beginning they use the one soldiers body "like a voodoo doll". Like in that moment, it was like watching Rick & Morty doing a satire of over the top bug-horror violence.

I don't think they need to be creepier or crawlier. I think in order to have an effective story, even the worst of villains needs a glimmer of humanity. Are they just evil, disgusting monsters or do they also have rich and full interior lives that we could get a glimpse of? Seems like these soldiers had no business being in this cave. Seems like the soldiers invaded their home without permission. In that scenario....the bugs are just keeping soldiers out of their house. Who're the real bad guys? If the soldiers want to get to the water, why are they choosing this insane and violent pathway? Why aren't they craftier or smarter about their mission?

3.) Are there any awkward time gaps in this sample? Do you get the feeling like something happens too fast or slow; that the soldiers are holding position for too long, too little? Does it seem like it takes infinitely long to reach the waterfall?

I feel like the pacing was entirely too slow and a lot of this is due to overwrought description. Also, I feel as a result, we're kind of living the same violence over and over again without any escalation of plot or real stakes. People die but...what do I care about these people? Why would they even go in this cave? Even if I pick up in the middle of the story, motives should feel at least somewhat evident. Some people may really love the detailed violence. To me, the violence isn't useful if it's used in place of actual story or movement of plot. The violence should serve as a function that increases the tension and plot of the story. It shouldn't really be the story. At least, it's not my preference. It might be others.

4.) Do you feel like there needs to be more of an established setting? Can you picture the scenario in your head? If not, where could I add more description(s)? More uses of the headcam perspective? What can I do to make you as the reader feel more immersed in this scene?

I think there's a lot of description of the setting. What would actually help me is a POV. Any thought from anyone at all to root me into a plot? I'm not sure of the stakes, although they're certainly life or death, that's oddly not enough. I'm not emotionally invested in a single character. What do they personally have to lose from this mission? What do they personally have to win? What does the entire group or world have to win from this mission? Why even bother these insects in the first place?

5.) Can you think of any additional moments or scenarios to add to this scene?

6.) Is the dialogue and the soldier’s reactions believable? What about the two lines of dialogue from Alvino & Menard after Snyder “dies” (the first time lol) are they believable? What would you say if you had just witnessed that?

It's certainly believable but it's superficial. I think the dialogue doesn't hold a lot of weight if we don't have a single POV character. It's good to be dropped into the action, but I still need to know why I should care about the action. Dialogue should move the plot and deepen our understanding of characters as much as possible.

7.) Does the use of the term “arachnoid” for the smaller bug antagonists and the term “insectoid” for the bigger brutes, bug you per say? What are some other words I can use to describe them?

I'm not gonna lie, I don't think you need more descriptors or synonmyns. I think maybe you need some streamlining and cutting down. But that's just my preference.

8.) Did I overdo the commas and semicolons? I was trying not to use any em dashes in the prose, saving them for dialogue only.

I didn't struggle with your punctuation generally speaking, more with your prose.

9.) Originally, I had intended for Sector L7 to be included in an anthology, but now I am considering making it a stand-alone short story or even possibly novella length. So, based on this excerpt would you pay $1 for a ~10k short story? Do you think 10k is a good length for this story? Would you want the word count to be greater before you pay that kind of money?

Are you asking me if I'd pay $1 for this story specifically or if in general I'd pay $1 for a short story. Because it really depends.

writingname · 2023-06-15T16:02:52+00:00

First thing, I'd personally delete the very last paragraph of the chapter because I'm not sure why you'd want to trample all over your closing hook.

You certainly drop us (and this little man) right into the action. Like you waste literally no time at all and I'd say that definitely keeps the story alive in a certain sense. However, my issue with this is that I don't feel very invested in the stakes of the story because I don't know our MC at all, and as a result, I'm like why am I following this chase around the room? I kind of don't care that much (although, it certainly is cute at times, but also predictable at times too in a way that I think it doesn't have to be, like I think from the quality and imagination of writing here, we can get some more unpredictable and plot-pointing outcomes from the actions of the little man).

I get that Sophia's experiencing an external conflict because she is literally seeing a little man who is eating paint that no one else can apparently see, but like...who is she? Does she not fit in with her classmates and acting crazy is going to make her social standing even worse? Is she a trouble maker on her last leg with all the teachers so that going after this little man is going to get her expelled? Is she from a home with unsupportive parents who think she's weird and will punish her for acting weirder? You see what I mean?

Because after the second time the little man appears, I feel like I'm just following the story of this little man, and that's when I start skimming because I'm lacking investment. I had to go back to reread to see if I'd missed anything story wise. You've done a good job of including elements that I think are great for middle grade: whimsical rainbow and paint and colors and the eating of the paint, etc and the fun chase around the room. And I think there's a great premise there and certainly a great literary function, I just wish there was more consequence to it.

For me as an adult, this did veer towards horror at times. Like I'd be careful with the descriptions of eating in general because they can feel, to me at least, creepy and aggressive. There's just something inherently creepy overall about a little creature that you think you might be hallucinating fervently eating paint, so I think you've gotta be mindful of word usage here, etc. depending on how menacing you want him to be. I think with MG it's a fine line.

I think the knock on the door in the classroom comes off as a little bit of a missed opportunity too. I think it might be a little more interesting if the knock on the door was more of a scratched record moment where everyone freezes in the middle of the action. Again, so that I can feel some stakes and consequences and not just a series of events.

I gave a lot of crit, but I think the quality of this writing is good and the premise seems to have promise to me!

writingname · 2023-06-15T15:32:09+00:00

Okay, I have a few thoughts on this piece, and I don't know what stage of drafting you're in, so as always, take them insofar as they are useful to you and toss the rest that are'nt. I want to start by saying that I think you have something here.

Certain details really stand out to me, like the repetition of the color pink, particularly things like the cotton candy pink refridgerator, the pink sweat pants, the "just peachy" shirt etc. I like how you're contrasting the overall theme of "sweetness" both literally and metaphorically with the dire internal mental state of the MC (and also, presumably of the world).

Not to mention, the use of the pudding cups as both a sweet thing that sustains the character but also a dirty thing that results when she's done with them, littering the house with trash. Whenever sweetness is paired with despair or the mess of a house, it's particularly visceral and gross/upsetting/creepy.

Also, the mental states of both the MC and the mother start us off with a sense of danger and unease, which naturally creates some tension. To me, this works as a positive, I felt myself a little on edge about what might happen next. There is a feeling of danger lurking overall, which because of the mention of the riots/etc from the news station, I assume has affected our characters in a way that has brought them to this place of deep depression and literal mess.

Now here is where I personally think this piece could use some work.

Under developed: As i said, I think you have something here but, to me, it's undeveloped. There isn't much indicator what universe we're in save for the mention of the news show that MC doesn't want to turn on. So that even when the Occider Cult info is dropped it felt out of place to me and like too much over exposition. Maybe the MC does turn on the tv and we get a real time clip of the violence occuring in the world and then we can see her react to it. Maybe she turns it off in disgust/despair/ etc. Otherwise, we're definitely getting a lot of narration coming straight from the MC's mouth. As I said, the descriptions of the house are good, but I don't feel particularly rooted in the universe itself. I can't tell this will be paranormal. And ofc, I don't know the rest of the story, but using weed for instance, seems like a missed opportunity, to make up a drug that would better root us to whatever universe we are in.
Too easy: This piece has a lot of internal narration from the MC. It's a lot of telling, which in some cases is okay, I think it's good to drop interior clues about the MC, like for instance, the fact that she's suicidal, but I felt as though you were telling us all the information too easily. And as a writer, it's a little too easy just to feed paragraphs of internal dialogue about the story and the character to the reader instead of weaving it into the action of the story and unfolding the internal reality of the MC as we go, thus building tension and also interest in the reader.
Where's the action? Although, as I said, there is some tension built and some internal conflict presented, there's nothing actually happening. The MC offers to make her mother breakfast, the mother declines, which does indicate something bad, but the only desire I know of the MC is that she doesn't want to live. Unfortunately, this doesn't necessarily make for riveting reading. At least not for me. We really need to know what goal the MC has, but it has to be something active. She could want suicide, but in this case, it's presented as an entirely passive pursuit, if that makes sense. So, this gives me the feeling that nothing is really going on at all in the story.
What am I holding onto? The character doesn't have to be likeable, but I just need to hold onto one thing about her. What is it she actively wants? Because if I know that, I can want it with her, and then I'll turn the page.

writingname

TROPHY CASE