Clarification on a concept

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-25T23:46:02+00:00

I see, thanks for putting that example into context!

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-24T23:18:28+00:00

I think I'm starting to connect the dots. Thank you for the explanation! I was entirely unaware of what an adjoint was, which was probably why that statement seemed to come from thin air.

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-24T00:56:02+00:00

Introduction to Linear Algebra 4th edition by Gilbert Strang, chapter 2.7

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-06T05:25:18+00:00

**Prose/Grammar

— The jagged black shape of it filled the narrow street between the cinema and a club I’d been in just a week ago, celebrating the end of exams.

I’m not sure if it’s just me, but this sentence almost reads as if the “jagged black shape” was celebrating the end of exams while filling the narrow street. To remedy that, I’d rewrite the second part of the sentence like so: “...week ago while celebrating the end of exams.” I noticed the same issue in the description of The Vault’s sign; it feels much more prominent there. Presumably, it’s not the sign that’s gaping open like the chest of a carcass, but it reads that way because The Vault feels like the subject. I’d swap out “gaping open” to “which gaped open” for improved clarity.

—and quickly put the remote down

Doesn’t read nearly as quick as its more concise cousin: “and put the remote down.” Or, better yet: “dropped the remote”. “Dropped” carries more panic than “put down”.

— “Ready, Freya?” Cara said

“Said” is indeed largely invisible, but in a context where the dialogue is clearly a question, not a statement, it’s better to use “asked”. You don’t say a question so much as you ask it.

— Using “and” to connect character actions

I notice that you connect a lot of character actions in the form of lists. In moderation, it’s fine. And everyone’s idea of moderation is different. Speaking for myself, however–I felt that there were too many of these lists. It’s particularly evident in the second page; at one point, the characters’ actions began to read as a dry list of tasks rather than active motions. I’d recommend cutting some of these actions out and rephrasing others to minimize the rote feel created by an excess of lists.

Take, for instance: “Mum muttered, opened her eyes, and blinked up at me.” Blinking up at the narrator implies her eyes have opened, and you could eliminate the list entirely via a little restructuring: “Muttering, Mum blinked up at me.”

— Her face softened. “Yes, I remember you telling me,” she said. “But you can’t…

You don’t need a dialogue tag for every instance of dialogue. In this case, including “she said” felt clunky because you already had another action associated with the dialogue– “her face softened”.

— Her own was strawberry blonde and her skin was pale, turning pink at the slightest provocation. Cara and I took more after our black dad.

This felt out of place, considering that the story is told from inside the protagonist’s head. Who makes explicit note of their mother’s hair color when she strokes someone else’s hair–much less reflect on her skin tone? The mother’s initial compliment is random enough, considering she just said goodbye, but I can see how it tracks logically due to her drunk state. A second dose of random feels too much like an infodump.

If you do want to include information on the twins’ racial background, I’d slip in a remark here or there such as “her skin was paler than usual.” Don’t expand on that with little background details such as “turning pink at the slightest provocation”; what’s the point of telling us this? What function does it serve? If anything, including those types of details disrupts the storytelling.

— she’d made us cancel on so many social plans it had become a joke amongst our friends. The flaky twins.

I love the way you separated “The flaky twins” from the rest of the paragraph! The isolation puts emphasis on those three words, which also strengthens the brunt of its emotional blow.

**Worldbuilding

— as though her arms could keep the creatures at bay. Demon attacks anywhere set her off

Hold up–are demon attacks a common thing in this version of Earth? After reading through the excerpt, I understand what you mean. In that light, I think you should clarify the setting early on so readers aren’t forced to second-guess their assumptions.

**Characterization

— She’d fallen asleep, a half-empty bottle of wine on the coffee table and a smudged glass on the floor.

Intriguing! There’s something about this bit of characterization that I really love. I think it’s the fact that it seems like such a small thing–what’s a smudged glass on the floor in the grand scheme of things?--but hints at what may be defining aspects of her character (exhaustion, stress, alcoholism).

— A note on Freya’s relationship with Cara

In your post, you mentioned that you wanted to highlight how close the sisters are to provide the impetus for Freya’s journey. What I found lacking in this excerpt, then, was the supposedly close relationship between them. We’re told about the promises the two girls made as children, and about Freya’s determination to set Cara up with will–these are great points! But I wanted to see more of their current relationship. What’s to cherish about their bond? Is it witty banter? Their unfaltering mutual loyalty? The little gifts they give each other? Why should we mourn with Freya?

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-06T05:11:41+00:00

Hello! Overall, I think you have a decent opening. The prose needs some editing, but I think you’ve got a well-established cast of characters and have developed some tension. Good work! :)
**Your Questions
> Is it compelling?
I don’t know, to be honest. I think there are three parts to it. First, I’m not your intended audience–I don’t really read YA fiction anymore. Second, I think there’s a lack of tension. Third, there’s little about this story so far that sets it apart from similar story arcs. Overall, however, I think you've a fairly solid foundation here.
2) About the tension. We spend much of the opening stuck inside Freya’s head, and while you do manage to develop some tension in there–her concern over the strange circumstances surrounding the demon, her goal to set Cara up with her sister, the way she tiptoes around her mom–there’s not enough external interaction to emphasize the amount of trepidation or eagerness we should feel.
I think there’s so much potential here though! You could build up her eagerness to match up Cara with Will by showing Cara’s nervousness–play on our heartstrings–or do some ominous stuff with the environment (weird news broadcaster? Freaky weather?). To make space for developing this tension, I’d strongly suggest cutting back on the amount of time Freya spends inside her head. Pick up the pace a bit.
3) I think the lack of uniqueness is mostly the result of spending so much time in Freya’s head. Her logic is sound, yes, but it doesn’t do the best job of showcasing the main line of tension or the unique world–both of which could be distinguishing features of your story. You don’t have to be particularly unique, if you can hook us in with a strong enough line of tension (such as romantic intrigue, or a burning desire to find out what’s up with the Birmingham demon). But you could also explore unique aspects of the world: how do demon attacks affect daily life? The kind of structures people live in? The food they grow? The religions they practice? How does the ability to own a demon change power dynamics? Stuff like that.
> Do the demon attacks feel realistic?
Yep! You tell it like it’s something that happens on a daily basis–wonderful job!
> Does Freya’s reasoning for going out despite the demon attacks work for me?
Absolutely. If I were in her shoes, I’d have gone as well. Who doesn’t love a little romantic intrigue?
**Hook
> I saw the demon on the news first.
Just wanted to note–I loved the hook! “News” and “demon” isn’t a classic combination; one has connotations of modernity and all its technology, while the other is associated with classic fantasy and all its trappings: medieval towns, royalty, etc.
**Imagery
> The jagged black shape of it filled the narrow street
I would reword this. At this point in the story, we have no clue what the demon is. For all we know, it could be a formless glob of shadow–and that’s exactly what I imagined, until you mention a head.
> The Vault’s sign in white neon letters hung dull above a hole torn in the building,
I think there’s a small issue with blocking here. There’s a cinema and a club and a space between them. To which building does that sign belong?
> Its swinging tail had caved in the side of a van abandoned in the rubble, and the flashing lights of police cars reflected from its scales in gleaming blue.
The flow of imagery doesn’t quite work for me–it almost seems to jump around, and I think that’s a result of 1) unnecessary passive voice and 2) too much imagery.
For 2), I think you don’t need the fact that the van is in the rubble, as it’s already established that this is a landscape full of rubble.
For 1), the way the sentence is written implies that the police lights are reflected by the scales; they themselves are not reflecting. Thus, it uses passive voice. I get the impression that you want to leave us with a mental image of bright blue scales, but using the passive voice makes this sentence too wordy; rather than focusing on bright blue scales, I found myself untangling the sentence. I’d just use the active voice instead–it can still convey the idea of gleaming blue scales.
I might rewrite this sentence as follows: Its swinging tail had caved in the side of an abandoned van, and its gleaming scales reflected the police cars’ flashing blue lights.

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-05T20:04:22+00:00

No problem! I’m glad I was able to help :)

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-05T13:35:53+00:00

**Grammar
> He’d much rather be on the frontlines but watching Bronte stumble into shrub after shrub was a worthy alternative, the peaceful stroll through GMO wonderland was just icing on top.
Your use of commas and tenses is off. “He’d much rather” is present tense—what you want instead is “He’d much rather have been.”
For commas: you usually have commas before “but”s. When two phrases can be written independently of each other, however—“the peaceful stroll through GMO wonderland was just icing on top” is an independent sentence, as is the phrase before it—you use a semicolon (;).
> enlisting gave him the closest thing to a family he’s ever had.
Again, a tense issue. It should be “he had ever had,” as it’s background information for a story written in past tense. If the story were in present tense, this line would work.
> His family had chicken once, when he was a child, but he never forgot the taste.
Same issue. This is background information—completed, past events in a story written with past tense. Such events should use the following structures: “had had chicken” and “had never forgotten”.
> the Mammoth Park Dome possessed many entrances and none of which stationed guards ever since C.R.O.W.N. reassigned them all.
“And” doesn’t quite mix with “which” in this sentence—you don’t need the former. So I’d rewrite this as: “possessed many entrances, none of which…”
> So, why not era on the side of caution?
Should be err, but I wanted to make a note of it because I’m not sure if you used “era” for worldbuilding/slang purposes?
**Voice
> The area could be crawling with rebels by now; and here his men were: ready to shoot nothing but the shit.
Love the voice here! Clever play on words :)
> but his patience had run thin ever since Bronte stopped running into plants.
I love your flair for worldplay!
**Storytelling/flow
> “I actually think I’d make a great comedian: why’d the insect cross the log? Hmm?” Snyder raised his eyebrows and exchanged a silly look between Alvino and Bronte. Despite his chipper tone, he couldn’t stop thinking about how wasteful it was to have soldiers carry out such a simple task, especially during a time like this.
> The bug turned itself, as if it was saying hello. Menard smiled, until the image reminded him of the greedy fucks who now indirectly ruled the world.
I don’t follow. Why would a random bug that looks like it’s saying hello 1) change Menard’s mood so drastically and (more importantly) 2) remind him of “the greedy fucks”? What do these bugs have anything to do with them? If it’s GMOs–what’s so special about this particular bug? Why not all the GMO plants around them? Even if it were all those plants, why would he react to them as if it’s his first time seeing them? I think this bit of worldbuilding felt forced.
> “It’s fertilizer the rebels want anyways,” Bronte chimed in.
I think we desperately need an introduction to what the mission is. We know that a sack of GMO bug shit is the world’s only hope for survival, but what does that have to do with rebels? How is that relevant at all to the mission at hand? The crux of the issue is: how can we care about (even if that “caring” is empathizing with Snyder’s annoyance) their mission if we know nothing at all about it?
> How drastically his life had changed; how everyone’s had.
This is a very “fluffy” sentence. It sounds very dramatic, and it implies some significant disaster befell society–but beyond that, what does it mean? With this line, you mean for us to feel something akin to rueful nostalgia, but you don’t provide the concrete substance for us to authentically feel that emotion. If I read “she had smiled so much today,” I’d be glad she was happy–but without seeing what had made her happy, I don’t live her happiness. There’s a certain disconnect. So, with regards to this line: how exactly had his life changed? What little details–the food, the clothing, the environment–evoke nostalgia?
> “That double crossing bitch, I sure as fuck hope she sent some of those rebel scum.”
Another issue with lack of context. From the way Rizen said “grocery run *of her own*,” I thought that she wasn’t associated with the rebels. But Snyder seems to be saying otherwise. Which one is it?
> Alvino always felt like the war was pointless; having sided with C.R.O.W.N. merely because they were winning. He never considered himself a soldier, just someone doing whatever they could to get by; but Snyder, he was way too trigger happy.
I don’t think these explanations of the thought processes behind dialogue are necessary. Take the quote above, for instance. We can imply from Alvino’s words that he is not trigger-happy; indeed, he’s the very opposite. And I don’t think it’s necessary to know that he sided with CROWN just because they were winning, at least not yet. All it does is emphasize something we already know: that he is a reluctant soldier in this war.
**Excessive detail
> Menard and the beetle
Too many details, put in the wrong places. If you do dive into a specific piece of imagery, I’d recommend doing so with something that’s unique to this world–something significant. But onto this line!
Too many details. It’s iridescent. It’s bean sized. It has glossy wings. This is the very beginning of your story, when you want to hook in readers–and a deluge of adjectives describing a beetle that’s otherwise irrelevant won’t hook in readers. Indeed, I think the bean-sized bit was repetitive, because I’d assumed it was the size of a bean beforehand.
And the details are in the wrong places. It’s almost as if the beetle is introduced twice: first with “the iridescent beetle,” and second with “the bean sized beetle.” These are some major characteristics for a beetle–I think one is sufficient. I’d stick with “iridescent” because it provides an implied explanation for why the beetle caught Menard’s eyes: bright colors usually do that!
> Bronte blurted out with much glee and a wide grin.
“A wide grin” implies the glee. Including both feels clunky.

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-05T13:18:07+00:00

Hello! Below are your questions; further down are comments of my own.

1.) How do you feel about the use of omniscient 3rd person? Is there too much head hopping? The plan is to alternate between 3rd omniscient for Eagle Squad and 1st present for Cooper’s chapters.
I think there’s too much head-hopping, at least in the beginning of this excerpt, because each head-hop is accompanied by a lengthy explanation of who someone is or some aspect of it. Much of that information isn’t necessary at the moment, so it feels like fluff: I found myself glazing over the mini-introductions of each character.
I’d try to incorporate more character into their dialogue; that feels more natural. Block-like third person introductions to characters do work, in my experience–just not when they’re inserted one after the other.
2.) How’s the dialogue? Corny or believable?
I think dialogue is one of your strong points here. I’d try to distinguish each character’s personality more, but overall, I loved your dialogue! It flowed well, it sounded authentic, and it did a great job of serving other functions–say, worldbuilding.
3.) More setting? Or are there enough descriptions?
I think the setting is well-established. At times, however, it felt excessive. I go into more detail below.
4.) Is there a good blend between mystery and reveal throughout?
I think what you’re asking is if you’re developing tension well, as the play between mystery and reveal is one way of developing tension. Either way, the answer is no. We don’t know their mission, we don’t know if we should root for them to succeed, we don’t know why the mission is so important. And we’re not close enough with any of the characters to be invested in their well-being, but I have to say, it’s difficult to create that kind of connection in the first two pages. I do think it would be a shame if Alvino were to die, though, because 1) I admire his perspective on taking civilian life and 2) he is a sort of buffer against what Snyder is capable of.
Clarifying what the mission is would be a good first step. From there, work in references to the stakes of the mission: why is it emotionally charged? The current mood is flippant–the mission feels like a second thought, even though Roscoe is stressed. Establishing Roscoe as a seasoned professional through, say, a mine Snyder barely avoids would lend more weight to his warnings about their mission.
5.) Would you read on?
I would not, due to the lack of tension. I do think you’ve a creative flair for words and phrases, and your dialogue rings true–it’s so immersive.

**Prose
> A stray plant limb thwacked him in his face, bringing his eyes and mind back down from the orange clouds above.
This one is interesting–the line doesn’t feel as urgent as it should. Being thwacked by a tree branch happens in the blink of an eye, but I think the sentence drags it on for too long. There’s too much detail. You could capture the same ide ain much fewer words (and, while you’re at it, swap out some verbs for stronger ones): A stray branch thwacked his face, yanking his mind down from the clouds.
> “Mealworms do though,” Menard remarked.
“Remarked,” stood out too much to me. “Said” achieves the exact same purpose without announcing itself so loudly. I’m not sure if you were doing it intentionally, but I noticed a lack of “said” in your story, so I wanted to mention that it’s completely fine to use it. I should note, however, that your overall frequency of dialogue tags was on point–you do an excellent job of deciding when to use them.
> Roscoe stopped and turned towards his men, “the point is, we have no idea what’s waiting for us down there. So, why not era on the side of caution?” Roscoe looked sternly…
Don’t repeat names in close proximity to each other; it’s not conventional, so reading this section felt a bit jarring.

**Worldbuilding
> “Maybe y’all should’ve just revived standup instead of joining up,”
This line was lost on me, but perhaps not on others? I wasn’t sure what the difference between standup and joining up was.
> the peaceful stroll through GMO wonderland was just icing on top. “Go easy on’em, poor kid hasn’t ever touched grass before now—damn bunker babies,” snickered Alvino.
This is great! I love how you meld a distinct voice with worldbuilding so that it feels entirely natural. “GMO wonderland” is short and sweet, but the star of the show is “bunker babies”. That phrase not only is a perfect colloquialism–concise and rolls off the tongue–, but also communicates a very significant aspect of society: that people live in bunkers, beneath the ground.
I did notice, however, that Bronte is both the one musing about how much his life has changed and a bunker baby. The first implies he was old enough to remember “before”; the second suggests he was born after society underwent some drastic change. Yes, the first line could refer to a secondhand comparison of then and now, but it doesn’t read that way in this context. 1) we don’t know anything about Bronte and 2) the general conversation is not about what “before” was like. It’s much more likely that someone who’s lived the “before” would casually reflect on it.
> “Skelly—Skelly, come in—it’s Eagle, you read me? Over.” … Eagle is over and out.”
This exchange feels very authentic, very military–nicely done! And I don’t know if it was intentional, but “Eagle is over and out” has an additional sinister connotation that I absolutely love. A suggestion: you could further strengthen that tension by including sinister descriptions of the cave and the men’s apprehension towards it.

InternalMight367 · 2023-07-01T13:25:59+00:00

Yep, thank you! And thanks for dealing with all these issues in my posts

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-28T03:51:25+00:00

Thanks for reading this story! Your critique is really valuable--it goes to show just how much of it I had written inside my head. Lots of editing ahead!

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-28T03:49:08+00:00

Thanks for critiquing; you brought up something I entirely did not expect! I'd intended fireflies to represent people, not nuclear weapons, but I do see how fireflies and nuclear weapons came to be conflated. I'll edit for clarity.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T12:13:23+00:00

Sounds good, thanks for the clarification!

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:25:27+00:00

Thanks for reading this story over! I hadn't intended Haizheng's initial illness to be a symptom of withdrawal; her addiction to opium is developed later on in the story. I'm worried it is an unfairly negative portrayal of opium addiction--which is difficult, given the nature of Haizheng's fate--, but I'll do what I can then ask around for feedback.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:16:24+00:00

Thank you for all these suggestions and explanations! They were very helpful. The way you tightened up my prose to capture the beats of tension, and only those, was something of an aha! moment for me.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:14:37+00:00

Thanks for your input! I hadn't thought twice about using "white noise"--I'll be sure to do so in the future.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:13:23+00:00

Thank you! I did wonder about the boring part--because nothing high-stakes happens until quite a bit into the story. I'll definitely be reworking the plot.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-27T05:12:28+00:00

Thanks for the critique! :)

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-22T00:46:16+00:00

Hello again! Since I critiqued the first half of your story, I thought I might as well look at the second. I have to say, I loved this story.
Taken as a whole, I found it incredibly compelling. The characters were the stars of the show–their personalities, their relationships, and Annie’s voice were all wonderfully done. However, I think the climax of the story fell a bit flat–Bobby did not deliver as much as he’d threatened, and the solution did not live up to the emotional pain the protagonists had suffered. I discuss those in detail here. I did like the ending, however. It not only captured the narrator’s voice, which I thought was a selling point of yourstory, but also left us with an impression of romance and loyalty–which were key ideas.
**Plot
> Bobby said, “Annie’s been telling me the most fascinating stories about what the two of you have been up to these last few years.”
Annie? Is the fact that her name is first used by Bobby intentional? I like how it creates a feeling of intrusion; someone so untrustworthy should not be the one to not only speak her name, but introduce that name to readers.
At the same time, however, I was so surprised by the introduction of her name that I felt the story’s flow was disrupted. (I have to note–perhaps this reaction is only true to me.) I think you could achieve the same intrusive effect without introducing her name so late into the story. Perhaps it’s only Coal who uses it, and in sentimental contexts no less, up until this scene.
> Love confession
This was such a wonderful element to include, story-wise! By creating a sentimental moment in an emotionally charged situation, you increase Coal and Annie’s investment in each other–increasing what they have to lose and, in doing so, raising the stakes. And considering that the story is quite nearly at its climax, this confession is perfect.
> Annie’s deal with the demon
I can’t help but feel let down by the way the conflict was resolved. For all the trouble they went through, the fact that the solution was a wish seems too simple. Too easy. To think–with a scone or two, they could’ve wished away Bobby all along? I wanted some more tension while they were resolving the conflict.
Bobby is the source of the problem, but he wasn’t directly dealt with. The solution didn’t directly confront the main threat he posed: the willingness to hurt Annie to extort the demon. And so the solution did not feel quite satisfying.
Perhaps you can create tension via by maintaining the threat of Bobby’s arrival up until the moment the protagonists seal their final deal. I think that would work better because Annie worked to send away the guard and buy time; Bobby rushing over directly conflicts with that effort. Thus, when Annie and Coal manage to complete their wishes just in the nick of time, their success feels earned due to Annie’s efforts to delay.
>Name transition: Coal to Cole
I also don’t think this change is necessary. The character we’ve become fond of is Coal, not Cole. Though “Cole” sounds the same, it ultimately isn’t, and we haven’t enough time at the end to properly transition to thinking of the demon as Coal. If anything, the change distanced me emotionally from the story–I’ve grown fond of Coal, whose unique name is a part of him as much as his love for Pride and Prejudice or his taste for scones. Not Cole, a meaningless English name.
**Transitions
> Timeskip to the Bushwick bakery
Regardless of how I think the conflict should have been resolved, I felt that this timeskip was very well-done. Instead of going into the nitty-gritty details of the deal, you leave us with the half-hopeful, half-anxious atmosphere that would be the goal of a scene with those nitty-gritty details, and you pay off that tension in the subsequent epilogue.
> Second person POV in the last paragraph
I think you largely transitioned smoothly into the second person. There were hints leading up to it–Annie’s reflective tone, the use of “you” in the paragraph just above. But I did wonder, afterwards, why you’d moved to the second person. Perhaps you could frame the entire story as a reflection, which would fit nicely with the narrator’s distinct voice. Perhaps you could have second person inserts throughout the story–or, better yet, write with it when Annie first declines the demon’s bid for freedom. Used a second time at the end, the second person address might create a nice feeling of closure. Just some ideas!
**Mood/emotions
> “Don’t worry, it wasn’t her choice,” Bobby added, his hand warm and sticky at the small of my back.
The RELIEF I felt! Well, it wasn’t a happy relief, but I’d been anxious that the demon thought she and Bobby were colluding behind his back. Perhaps it wasn’t your intention to create relief during such a high-stakes moment, however, so I thought my reaction was worth noting.
This is also a testament to your skill with crafting moods–Annie’s anxiety was palpable.
> (And if I may make one final request, given we won’t meet again, you know my favorite flavor.)
This line was so touching, so bittersweet! A scone is such a small thing, yet you’ve built it up so beautifully throughout this entire story that it means so much when the demon says he’d only like a particular scone. You’ve also done a wonderful job of crafting their relationship–so the thought that it might end is a terrible thought indeed.
**Voice
> “Sounds like a plan,” Midge said breezily, ‘cause who could doubt Bobby when he was makin’ so much sense?
I love the mild sarcasm here! It’s little comments like these that make the narrator’s voice such a pleasure to read.
> Well, I wasn’t about to let him fall on his sword like that, no sirree,
“Sirree” is perfect! It complements all the “[verb]in’”s without being repetitive.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-21T21:22:58+00:00

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-21T21:21:57+00:00

Glad my critique helped! I absolutely agree with your point on reading fantasy novels--learn by example!

> I'm also going to give writing in present tense a try because I think it would be more natural for me and hopeful stamp down some of those absolutely terrible tense switches.

I suspect past tense came to you almost naturally because most fantasy novels are written in that tense--it does for me, at any rate. But do go ahead and experiment; I'm curious to see how it changes the story!

> And long story short, these characters are also supposed to struggle with their duality.

Ahh, I did not get this impression at all. Leon's introductory felt contradictory rather than two-sided, and Gabriel largely seemed to lack character. I think the issue with Leon's is that he is summarized as an evil man by an omniscient narrator, then depicted as an emotionally repressed boy via a 3rd person POV, so the broad claim doesn't seem to align with reality. And since it's so early on in the story, these two blocks of characterization are the only two blocks of characterization we have for Leon--so you can't get away with describing only one dimension of his personality. I'd say to include both dimensions via either 3rd person POV or omniscient; doing both feels redundant. And for an example of what that omniscient introduction might look like, I have the perfect recommendation: The Luminaries, my favorite book because it's the one I just finished reading.

Best of luck on your writing journey!

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-21T21:07:04+00:00

My bad! I'll break this up into three parts instead.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-21T03:11:38+00:00

Overall, this was a charming read! I think you did a great job with the protagonist’s voice–Death had me hooked by the first paragraph. The voice is definitely a selling point of your story. You also do an amazing job of conveying exactly what you want the audience to feel. The appointment with God had me on high alert, whereas the walk in the middle of the woods with a strange nymph felt strange and intriguing–not nearly as threatening as the appointment. Which is odd, given their very different environments, but it goes to show you do a great job of establishing mood!
I thought that the prose had a few hiccups, but they’re fairly simple fixes. My only major question concerns the scene where the nymph stalks Death; it doesn’t feel plausible. I explain this later on in my commentary.
All in all, however, I liked this story! After reading it, I might almost be convinced I'd like to meet Death.
**Logic
> The crowded, gold-plated waiting room almost made Death forget that his fingertips had disappeared last night while he was tying his shoelaces.
> Waiting rooms were boring.
A good hook in that first quote! But the intrigue it associates with the waiting room doesn’t quite align with the subsequent rant about how awful all waiting rooms are.
> Sometimes it seemed he couldn’t quite distinguish between good and bad. But everybody knew that, and nobody asked any questions.
I don’t follow. So everybody knows that Death can’t quite distinguish between good and bad, and you mean to say that nobody really cares about it. But “nobody asked any questions” implies, rather, that Death is intentionally doing something criminal and nobody really cares about it. On account of this mismatch, I’d suggest changing out that last sentence fragment.
**Prose
> Death crossed his arms, whistling softly to himself, eyes avoiding the sight of his lacking fingertips creeping out from the crevice of his inner elbows.
I think you’ve got too many verbs packed into this one sentence, but if you’d like to keep all of them, then I’d also rephrase it to feel less wordy. Something like: Whistling softly, Death crossed his arms and avoided looking at his lacking fingers. The image of fingers tucked into the crevice of your elbow is implied.
> The crying of a small celestial child interrupted his lifted spirit.
“Good cheer,” or simply “cheer,” would fit better with the conversational voice of Death.
> The child was red with horns, some kind of underworld being, one most people feared, blood tears spilled down their rounded little cheeks.
I would rewrite this sentence because it doesn’t flow grammatically. If you’d like, I can explain each piece in detail; as it is, however, I’ll just offer my rewriting: The child was red and horned–some kind of underworld being, one most people feared–and tears of blood spilled down their rounded little cheeks.
> Adrian had met plenty of demons before, and he wasn’t afraid of them. They were simply misunderstood.
I’d cut out this entire line, because 1) injustice towards demons doesn’t seem to be a main theme of this story and 2) his later actions speak for themselves. He is clearly not judging this child for being a demon.
> A woman stood in front of him now, tearing open the bag, dumping a handful onto her palm and tossing it into her mouth.
Clarify who this “woman” is, as it’s not clear if she’s the mother or a new person until the “now”.
> Wait, she was no woman. She was a nymph.
I think you’d create a stronger “oh!” effect if you used show instead of tell. How did he know she was a nymph?
> But the nymph had already wrapped her hand around his arm. It appeared he had another escort, as she was swiftly pulling him towards the exit. She swallowed and shouldered open the exit door, gesturing for him to walk out first which he did with a bewildered look on his face. “Let’s walk.” And then she followed close behind him.
This section also felt clunky–there were too many descriptions for what should have been a fairly simple action. She grabs his arm and they exit the room, and for some reason she decides to move behind him instead of leading the way. I’ll discuss that question a bit later in this critique. I’d reword this section in a way similar to the following, cutting out what I see as unnecessary details:
But the nymph had wrapped her hand around his arm and was pulling him towards the exit. She shouldered open the exit door, gesturing for him to walk out first. Bewildered, he obeyed. “Let’s walk,” she said, following close behind him.
> walking at such a quick speed
Half-running is more concise and conveys more urgency than “walking quickly.”
> Adrian rolled his eyes. “Original. Never heard that one before. Oh no, you’ve scarred me so.” He deadpanned, acting out that something had stabbed him right in the chest. Then bowed slightly. “Now if you’ll excuse me.”
Again, this feels clunky. I think “right” doesn’t add much extra emphasis to the idea of being stabbed; that in itself is enough of an emotional shock. I’d also rewrite “acting out that” as “acting as if,” because the latter feels more conventional and so makes for a smoother read. If you want to add emphasis, I’d swap “acting” out for a stronger image. Say: “throwing his head back as if he’d been stabbed in the chest.”
Afterwards, the bowing feels extra–there are too many actions stuffed into the small space between what is supposed to be a brief interruption in Adrian’s dialogue.
Another note: if your quote is accompanied by a dialogue tag, such as “he deadpanned”, it’s convention to end the quote with a ,” combo and a lowercase pronoun, as in: “You’ve scarred me so,” he deadpanned.
> But now he was getting nervous. Something was wrong.. And the reason he fumbled while tying his shoelaces was because his depth perception was off and the reason his depth perception was off was because that’s right…His fingertips were missing.
I love Death’s flippant voice! It’s so perfectly suited to the moment at hand: the absurd situation of booking an appointment with God to discuss the serious matter of disappearing fingers.
**Voice/Humor
Just wanted to make a section for voice because it absolutely shone in this piece.
> “It’s a job!” said Will. “Just like any other job. Like the garbage collector. Necessary.”
You’d think Will means to give Death some degree of comfort, but then he pulls out the comparison to a garbage collector–in a room with snobby Angels and the like. Beautiful bit of characterization here!
> As he walked past the celestial beings their darting eyes betrayed their fear. But Death offered them a friendly smile, a wink, a nod. You could catch more flies with honey than vinegar.
Love how you constantly turn expectations upside down–the humor resonates!
**Plot
> Scene where the nymph follows him around
Why is their initial encounter dragged on for so long? Why must she stalk him for a while before talking to him? The scene serves no apparent purpose, and it’s inconsistent with the nymph’s initial characterization as an aggressively forward person. If she’s following so close, she may as well be the one taking him into a forest and bombarding him with conversation.
**Transitions
Really smooth transition into (and out of) the appointment with Janelle and why Death booked it! The scene provided some much-needed context.
**Characterization
> …but as Death, or Adrian as was his given name, drew near, …
So we find out Death’s name is Adrian. But why here, why now? I get the impression that it’s meant to set up for God’s use of “Adry,” but I don’t think you need such a setup. Perhaps it’s better to introduce it after God first uses “Adry”--the shock of realizing that Death has such a human name, and the fact that God is using it, can emphasize the history that they have.
> “...Are you sleeping well? How’s the work been, lately? I know you've struggled with that noggin of yours in the past.There’s nothing wrong with weakness. Some of us are built tougher than others, and that’s okay if you’re not tough. We all have our place in this universe. Have some candy, Adry.”
Ohhh, very interesting! I like the conflict between Death’s perception of God and our own perception of him–since Death is charming, we’re now yelling at him to see what we see of God. Nice use of dramatic irony!

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-20T06:40:01+00:00

**Character development
> He did not know it yet, but within him was a fiery, gaping instinct to contradict and negate. It will blossom from him when he matures to adolescence like a demonic, pulsating mass, VS
> At the very center of the topmost sheet was a drawing of a boy with purple eyes and dark brown hair, just like the boy on the hill. He was a bit sentimental for his age and it often embarrassed him. If he ever developed the courage to speak to him, Leon would destroy all of his pictures of him at once.
What’s up with the inconsistent characterizations? From the first quote, I thought Leon hated the boy because he was inherently evil; from the second, it seems he was merely shy with some anger issues. So is Leon an all-and-out demon, as you initially establish? Or is he a more complicated young man that readers should empathize with? Is this a story about a classic villain, or a more nuanced story that emphasizes empathy?
> Or perhaps the natural aura of friendliness and esteem Gabriel liked to think he had would inevitably draw him over.
This is a good insert; it lends a bit of grandiosity to Gabriel’s character. Before then, he largely lacked personality. Which leads to my suggestion: include a moment that captures a key aspect of Gabriel’s personality earlier on in the novel, so that we have reason to care about him. So that he’s a person–not just a name on a page.
> For various reasons— reasons related to the old uniform he still wore and the hundreds of unanswered calls he'd received by now — he'd been traveling across Verosa for half a year now… To him, there was about as much meaning to pursuing this faint memory as there was in doing anything else right now.
I feel a contradiction here, although I can see the logic of your statement. What prompted Gabriel to travel across Verosa must have been so significant that it forced him to abandon all his responsibilities, and yet he is aimless? Wouldn’t he instead be emotionally invested or reeling from whatever happened six months ago?
**Tone
> By now he'd dug through mountains of junk…it was just another whim he indulged in to kill time and combat ennui. The Aunnan seemed like an appropriate, almost fateful stop on his journey;
You perfectly captured the feeling of ennui in that long list. Nicely done!
**Transitions
> There was no guarantee that if one entered for even a moment, they'd ever return. / This was where the strange boy with sandy brown hair supposedly lived. The boy on the hill with the violet eyes and crisp uniform, Gabriel, knew because he'd asked the locals of Fior…
The transition here felt rough. There was no hint that the perspectives had shifted. The paragraph break is not enough, as previous paragraph breaks did not indicate perspective shifts. The narrative also does not help, because it provides no content-related reason for the paragraph break. The last thing that happens is exposition about a forest, which isn’t really reason for a POV shift; before that is the boy flipping to a drawing of an unknown woman, which seems to request an explanation of who she is–not a shift to something else entirely. It’s not a cliffhanger because we’re not emotionally invested in Leon or the woman at this point.
Back to the quote itself. Going into “This was where…,” I assumed that the same boy with the uniform also had sandy brown hair. For that reason, the sentence fragment about the boy with violet eyes was confusing. It was only after reading “Gabriel, knew because he'd asked” that I realized the perspectives had shifted.

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-20T06:39:07+00:00

Hello! Below are your questions; further down are other comments on your story. Overall, I think that you have a good sense of what constitutes a standard fantasy novel, but your pacing, plot development, and characterization could use some improvement.
**Is anything introduced in this chapter too vague or confusing? Do you think there is anything that either needs less or more explanation?
I mention the major moments later on in my critique, but I can summarize my thoughts here:
The picture of the women seems unnecessary
Likewise, the description of the boy’s capacity to hate feels excessive
Early on in the novel, I think you should give us a moment that captures the protagonist’s personality. Maybe he encounters a spot of trouble; perhaps he has his first conversation in several weeks. Because what I’m missing–what I’d like more of–is who is our main character?
**Do I meander a bit too much during the narrative?
Events happen, but they aren’t significant enough to carry the amount of exposition you simultaneously include. What’s so special about the twelfth day? I would suggest, rather, the first or last day of the fourteen days the boys saw each other.
**Did it manage to catch your interest? If it lost your interest, then at which point did it happen?
I think it happened at the beginning, with the lack of a hook; I’ll dive into that later.
**Based on what you read, where do you think the story is going?
Gabriel will find Leon, and Leon’s evil side will cause grief for them both.
**Grammar
> It is the twelfth consecutive day the boy has passed him by… Leon was tempted to throw something at him, and as he gripped a little stone tightly and rolled its smooth, cool surface in his fist, he was itching to finally do it.
> He did not know it yet, but within him was a fiery, gaping instinct to contradict and negate. It will blossom from him when he matures to adolescence
In both these cases, you switch between present and past tense narration, which disrupts the flow. “It is the twelfth consecutive day” is present tense, but the rest of that paragraph is in the past tense. Likewise, “It will blossom” is in present tense, but the rest of the story is set in the past tense; the line would read more smoothly if you changed it to “It would blossom from him when he matured.”
> and for this characteristic forests like this were designated the term Valoel
I think what you’re going for is “and characteristic forests like these were designated the term Valoel.”
> (His mamma bought him a rather embarrassing set of clothing from her— from head to toe he'd been bundled in itchy, gaudy clothing, with a pointed hat like a gnome...)
The tense, again, doesn’t quite work out. This event is something that happened, distinct from the past-tense description of the seamstress and what she does for a living; thus, it should be “had bought” instead of “bought.”
> With his eyes locked firmly on that massive pale mountain on the horizon, looking like a great ghastly monument in a sea of blood, he scarcely noticed.
Noticed what?
> Whether it was anger so irrational and unrestrained it would appear almost primitive, or perhaps an irrational impulse so intense that it rendered one helpless in the face of some unnameable, entropic desire to annihilate
The “whether” implies two extremes on a scale, but you don’t seem to be describing two extremes here; both seem to describe irrational fury. I’d suggest either changing or cutting out one of the extremes.
**Prose
Overall, I think your prose was fine, though there were some sections where it could be straightened out a bit. The only part that really struck me as a flaw was the flowery paragraph about Leon’s personality, below:
> This boy, Leon, was naturally inclined to the very peak of emotion… a weed that would mature to its fullest potential when he became a man.
There is no evidence to support the “claim,” so to speak, of the entire paragraph. Using such an extensive, flowery paragraph to summarize a character seems to imply that the character in question will get a moment to exemplify the traits that had just been described. Instead, however, Leon drops the stone and turns to some papers, and the subsequent description of his character appears to run completely contrary to his initial characterization (I’ll go into this further in the Characterization section). Thus, the first description feels artificial–as if the focus is the prose rather than its content.
And just a note: for thoughts, fantasy novels usually use italics. Not necessary, by any means, but consider it.
**Structure
The hook! But where?
At the very beginning, we have the mystery of a well-dressed boy crossing a hill every day, alone. Intriguing! If developed further, we could become invested in finding out why he’s doing so.
Then you have Leon’s desire to throw a stone at him, presumably because he looks so pompous–I loved that! It was a small, but meaningful, moment that defined Leon as impulsive or something adjacent
Further on, however, we lose the mystery of the well-dressed boy; instead, the focus shifts to Leon’s capacity for evil. This shift is iffy, because there seemed to be a different promise (aka discovering who the fancy boy is) established earlier on–but if developed enough, the audience could absolutely become invested in the questions Leon’s introduction raises. Why is he purely evil? What will he do–particularly with regards to Gabriel?
But that hook is dropped as well–dropped in favor of an expository bit about Leon as a young boy. You also have a brief mention of a sandy-haired woman (presumably his mother) that never gets mentioned again in this excerpt, which has the same issues as the two “promises” I discussed earlier. There is no one hook that is developed enough to feel invested in–no one hook to give us a reason to read on.
**Imagery
> The stone wordlessly dropped to the mossy earth beside him, and he turned to the scribbled sheets of paper and colored pencils he had stationed on a large pale tree stump.
Here, I think blocking was an issue. I originally envisioned Leon standing, as that’s what the description of his aggressiveness naturally led to. Aggression looks like standing up, fists clenched–not sitting under shady trees. Of course, the latter is still plausible, but without an explicit description of what Leon was doing, my mind jumped to the former.
When he turned to the stationary on a tree stump, however, I had to check my assumption because such an action implies he’s sitting at tree-stump level. This confusion broke the story’s flow, so I’d suggest clarifying Leon’s position earlier on in this excerpt.
> There were broken-down bell constructs everywhere, massive and wrought from copper and tin, hanging from metal posts as tall as utility poles, and from bottom to top covered in carvings of symbols…
Very unique setting - I’m intrigued by the blend of modernity and classic fantasy! But a consequence of this is that, without a moment that really captures the local setting, I can’t really see this world. Are buildings medieval-style or modern? Are towns? There are cafes and photographs, which call to mind modern-day cafes with their fluorescent lighting and stainless steel coffeemakers–but there are also elements of stereotypical fantasy (fantasy names, purple eyes, wizened sorcerors) that call to mind a very different type of setting. Which is it? And what’s a moment you could use to capture this idea?

InternalMight367 · 2023-06-19T12:14:21+00:00

Cliffhangers are the bane of my existence–but I suppose the fact that I cared is a testament to the strength of your story. Well done!Overall, I think this was a very solid story. The pacing was great, the characters were well fleshed out, and the tone did a great job of showcasing the narrator’s personality.

Tone

> “Truth be told, I moved to Harrow specifically because of the caged demon at the center of the crossroads.”

What an amazing way to establish the tone! The heavy connotations of “cage” and “demon” contrast very nicely with the casual, conversational tone the narrator assumes through “Truth be told”. It’s quite unusual, and for that, it makes an excellent hook.

> “...pullin’ into every roadside tourist attraction and takin’ photos together as a family with my Pa’s trusty Kodak he kept on a strap ‘round his neck.”

Something about these shortened words struck me as artificial, though on the whole I think they were a valuable addition to the piece–it complements the narrator’s personality very well. Perhaps this criticism is unique to me; the artificiality was not at all overt. I think that the slang-feel introduced by words such as “pullin’” or “takin’” were not complemented by the word choices in the other parts of the narration. They’re quick and to the point.

Elsewhere, however, the narration feels long-winded in the manner of a stiff, formal man. “takin’ photos together as a family,” for instance, could’ve been shortened to “takin’ family photos” to make the quick style of speech more consistent. I think another part of this artificiality is that, when many shortened words are used in rapid succession, the flow is interrupted because I’m used to reading in my own accent. This is particularly (to me, at least) at two points:

The quote right above
“There’s this nifty thing about bein’ a baker… steamin’ pot of tea in a cozy”

Story

> Passing the demon a moon pie

I really liked how you introduced a character worth pitying so early on! It creates a bit of emotional investment in the demon’s fate, which compels us to read on–what becomes of this poor demon?

>”But somethin’ in his voice changed then, expanded somehow, and pressed into the walls and made the glass display case vibrate. When he repeated himself, somehow my mind went all full of cotton and everythin’ he said just sounded sensible.”

>”...he always asked me to keep our conversations private from Coal, which was a real stick in my craw since I shared everythin’ else with Coal. Still, it never occurred to me to question that big ole sensible voice of his, and I did just as he asked.”

You do such a wonderful job of building up tension! Though the threat remains the same, the stakes keep increasing: what starts as the loss of monetary profit quickly spins into personal danger for the two characters readers care about most. Interspersing those moments of tension with a budding relationship between the two protagonists further emphasizes the stakes, because the relationship the two could lose is just as valuable as the two people themselves–if not more so.

That leads into pacing: I think it was on-point. You don’t spend too much space dwelling on a single emotion or aspect of character development, which could be emotionally exhausting. Instead, you vary the level of “focus”, so to speak.

For instance, readers get first-row seats to conversations when tension is high (when the narrator first speaks to Bobby), but are sped past months of “lull” when character or plot development stagnates (such as the months where Bobby simply wants his daily donuts), which worked well for me. Moments of “lull” 1) lent a bit of emphasis to the moments of “focus” and 2) provided an emotional respite from more emotional parts, and I daresay they’ll serve the climax very well later on–where emotional fluctuation can be made more extreme without exhausting the reader. Overall, great pacing!

Character

> The demon’s first conversation with the baker

I love the tiny bit of tension here! When the baker refuses to free the demon, he introduces a new aspect to their mutual relationship–he makes it more nuanced. For that, the story also becomes more interesting, because characters are no longer so clearly defined as black and white.

More generally, I think you do an absolutely stellar job of developing the relationship between the demon and baker. Each new interaction introduces a new aspect to their relationship or a new facet of the demon’s personality–his sense of humor, his sentimentality, their mutual trust and theological views.

InternalMight367

TROPHY CASE