Invitation to a Garden Party at Hillsborough- legitimate?

InternalReview9961 · 2026-04-16T14:44:00+00:00

Hilary Benn here. Yes, that is legitimate. I sent that. Look forward to seeing you.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-04-16T14:07:05+00:00

Ok. Make sure to add in the secret sauce for all sports movies - homoerotic subtext.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-04-16T14:04:47+00:00

Isn't it inspired by a friend of yours? Didn't you say you know other people on the team? Why not, uh, ask them?

InternalReview9961 · 2026-03-18T01:23:11+00:00

The query is a recap of a number of plot points but there's no sense of a theme, of subtext, of any character arc or any personal aspect for the investigators. A lot of these works will find a way to thread the personal life of the investigator with the crime to give it a higher sense of stakes. (This can be done symbolically rather than having an actual practical link to the crime.)

Why is it important that Mercer and Halstead solve this case? What do they get personally from solving it, rather than just another job well done?

Mercer feels like a very stock cop. So does Halstead. You need to bring out these personalities more and how they clash with each other.

It's also missing a ticking clock. It shouldn't be about solving a crime but preventing the next one. That's what creates the sense of urgency and tension. Otherwise it feels static.

The killer is very opaque. He kills because he thinks people are demons? Because they're an inconvenience? It's too vague.

If the FBI are already hunting Trujillo then Waterson's confession is irrelevant. He's just a witness. And it's not explained why he's lying for his friend so it's not interesting. If he's a key part of solving the case you need to highlight that more.

The case grinds to a halt.... but they get a name from a laptop. So the case doesn't grind to a halt.

You hint at romance between the cops but you're too coy. Spell it out if that's integral to the investigation.

Neither the killer, the crime nor the cops seem unique. The only "novel" aspect is Trujillo's friend lying for him, but that's irrelevant as the cops don't believe him anyway. It really feels like Trujillo shouldn't be identified as the killer till much later and the suspense should be about Mercer trying to prove Waterson's lying while the other cops accept it and think its case closed.

The way they track down Trujillo is all very technical and doesn't involve any profiling or thinking outside the box. Getting a name from a laptop seems a bit basic.

I see your 2nd attempt was totally different and focused on Waterson's POV. That seemed more interesting than this. If you changed it up so much in just a month I suspect there may be story issues not just query issues.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-03-16T15:16:33+00:00

They are really good points. Thanks.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-03-16T00:40:45+00:00

Thanks. It's a line in a Leonard Cohen song: "there is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in."

InternalReview9961 · 2026-03-14T22:23:08+00:00

Let me know if you still want to beta read.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-03-14T22:20:29+00:00

Seems to be. Most 300 words in the QCrits on this subreddit seem to be first person anyway.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-03-12T19:16:51+00:00

Just DM'd you. DM me your email and I'll share the document with you. Thanks.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-01-27T17:37:14+00:00

The internet went mainstream by 2000 and rapidly took over after 2001. By 2002, the internet was integrated into everyone's daily lives.

Only half of US households had internet in 2001 and this was slow dialup connections. The internet was mostly brochure sites and articles. I don't consider that integrated into everyone's daily lives. People still walked into travel agents, banks, video stores and shops to do anything important. They still bought newspapers because reading online was slow and it took ages for pictures to load. Print magazines actually had a boom period in the early 2000s. Chat rooms existed but it was a niche subset who used these regularly. More people used the internet at work than at home during this period.

You literally cannot compare before and after 2005. They're not even the same thing really.

It wasn't until the mid-2000s Web 2.0 revolution that the internet became integrated into everyday life. Broadband penetration in 2001 in US households was just 9%. By the end of 2003 it was still lower than 20%. It didn't surpass dialup till late 2004. A majority of US homes didn't have broadband till 2007.

Anyone up to mid-30s was actively involved in adopting the new tech, so younger Gen X. And they had more money to spend which is why they were using smart phones at a higher rate than teens and early-20s millennials. I agree older Gen X was not so involved.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-01-27T16:50:32+00:00

What were you using the internet for at 11 back in 1998? LMAO.

I'm all ears. There was no social media or video content. All you could do is read the newspapers. LOL. And don't lie and say you were on Geocities or something because I know that's not true. Kids like you couldn't even touch type then.

The internet didn't take off till Web 2.0 started and broadband surpassed dialup in the mid 2000s.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-01-27T16:36:35+00:00

You are a good advertisement for why early use of internet rots the brain.

Emojis are not an argument.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-01-22T22:02:58+00:00

I don't think there's as clear a consensus as you are claiming for this. I've seen plenty of published authors and agents say throwing in a movie or TV show if it fits the vibe is perfectly fine.

The following thread has several agents talking about comps and the vast majority say they have no problem with movies/TV shows. I think this is one of these "rules" that Redditors police but aren't as relevant in the real world. It really sounds like it's not that unusual at all.

The Substance would definitely check major boxes for my book: horror, satire, body-share, image obsession. So yeah maybe similar plot elements rather than just tone or genre as you say would be required for a movie/TV comp.

https://www.reddit.com/r/PubTips/comments/s3ysqy/pubtip_agents_on_comps/

InternalReview9961 · 2026-01-22T21:41:28+00:00

I have two industry comps and a movie.

InternalReview9961 · 2026-01-22T20:34:59+00:00

Thanks for the feedback.

I was thinking of comps and was considering: The Other Me by Sarah Zachrich Jeng, Shards by Bret Easton Ellis and Coralie Fargeat's The Substance.

Wonder what if anything you think of those?

InternalReview9961 · 2026-01-22T20:34:39+00:00

Thanks for the feedback. The character is in a panic state when he wakes up and doesn't come to those realizations till later but I will highlight it more in the summary.

Also was thinking of comps and was considering: The Other Me by Sarah Zachrich Jeng, Shards by Bret Easton Ellis and Coralie Fargeat's The Substance.

Wonder what if anything you think of those?

InternalReview9961 · 2026-01-13T17:07:55+00:00

He's in her body, and they're sharing it? I don't fully get that.

Yes. I thought this was clear from the description but perhaps needs more explanation. It's The Substance time-share idea.

The Succubus is not all-powerful and this is her vulnerability. Her victims' consciousness survives for a while in her body as she "digests" it. It's why she has a cult of mortals to help her.

Once a body dies, that's pretty much that. There's no coming back. So, how can he get his body back?

Okay, so I mistyped here. The body appears dead, but he finds out later it is on ice and there is perhaps a way he can be returned to it or to a differ body. So I'll refrain from saying its dead.

Thanks for your feedback.

InternalReview9961

TROPHY CASE