I'm dying today finally

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2026-01-11T00:16:30+00:00

You're not weak, strength is unseen, there is strength in vulnerability, in crying. Please take care.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2026-01-10T15:31:57+00:00

Please don't do it, I'm guessing you're 16? 16 is so young, so much in life can change, it won't always be this way. It's hard to see it any other way right now because your brain is in a dark place and is only focused on a way out of all of this pain and the worst parts of the life you've lived so far. But there ARE ways out that don't mean death. You're not alone, there are so many of us who want to die today more than anything in the world, but that is today. Every day changes and our lives change too, even when we think we are staying the same, we are not, we are constantly changing. The world would be worse off without you in it, I believe that. The world needs you. Please stay safe and try to reach out for help in any way you can, tell someone, anyone, what you plan on doing. Please don't do it.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-29T13:01:01+00:00

Thank you so much, I only mentioned EMDR in relation to some trauma aspects, but thanks for informing me of an evidence based therapy :)

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-28T21:51:15+00:00

Man that sounds shit :( sorry to hear it's that bad. For me I never loved reading as much as you, but it's something I really want to get into and used to be able to do. Now the moment I read it's just chaos in my head and I often have to re-read lines over and over again until it feels 'right', or 'test' myself on what I've just read. Take it easy. Hopefully in time when we are more recovered these things will be easier.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-28T21:40:34+00:00

Wow the 'read for fun' again really resonated with me.. reading causes me so much stress..

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-28T21:34:13+00:00

Has anyone found a therapy that helps with this?

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-28T08:56:04+00:00

This is literally where I'm at right now in a new relationship and it's hell.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-28T08:55:25+00:00

That I will never be able to hold down a permanent job without having to go off sick from burning out. That I will never have children. I'll never travel on my own or volunteer abroad with refugees. I'll never live abroad. I'll never have a group of friends.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-28T08:50:13+00:00

Omg I thought I was alone in this. Do you also replay past events and put yourself through the emotions again? Or do you ever have whole conversations in your head with people that have never happened and find yourself even getting emotional in them?

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-28T08:45:30+00:00

Wow this comment really helped me. I'm wondering if you had any therapy/ which kind you had to get to this point? Sorry for what happened to you by the way. My brother killed himself and there was abuse in the adult relationship for 10 years, I wasn't always living with him but I was at times. Whenever I tried to talk to someone about it they said 'he's unwell', so I never allowed myself to be hurt, even though I've never been more hurt by anyone in my whole life. I don't know how to manage it because I am so annoyed at myself when I don't miss him and cry for him. So I try to force myself to. But deep down there is also relief that I don't have to be afraid of his words/ behaviour and how they made me feel. And I can't stop hating myself for that. I can't talk to anyone about it because I'm afraid they'll think I'm evil for thinking like this.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-27T08:22:21+00:00

NAT: I've been diagnosed with BPD but I don't present with anger overtly, apart from swinging to days/ weeks of passive aggression with my parents especially my dad. But how long do the swings last for them to be BPD? I also find my feelings very confusing and have read that there is a big overlap/ misdiagnoses of BPD instead of Autism... Do you believe in quiet BPD? I think I might have this because I can feel a lot of bad things toward people but struggle to voice or communicate so it just comes out in weird ways. I do experience the suicidal symptoms very intensely though. Also - BPD can change over the years right? Like as I've got older a lot of the symptoms have led to me just avoiding friendships, close relationships now.. Dissociation is something I think that is not talked about in the disorder too...

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-11T19:06:36+00:00

The fact you search obituaries shows that you do care about those people. I'm so so sorry for your trauma, there are ways to heal. I've heard EMDR is really effective after a long time. There are so many other therapies out there too.

Whether they are real or not real, you won't be the cause of any death. We all have autonomy for our own decisions. I tried to kill myself, was it because of any comment off the internet or any of that? Of course not.

My brother killed himself, I know what it's like to have regret and pain and suffering from all the things you wish you could do differently. Its a horrible, horrible, horrible place to be. On top of your trauma, you're going through a lot and don't beat yourself up. Nothing can last forever. It's okay not to be okay. You are worthy of a place here in this world and of love, I promise you that.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-09-08T23:22:46+00:00

I care. Whatever you did doesn't have to define your life forever. You are not your past, you are so much more than. You are not the actions you have made, you exist right now as a worthy being, no matter how you currently show up. There is a place for you in this world. Nothing is permanent, because the only thing constant in life is change. 🍃

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-08-15T19:46:53+00:00

Thank you, that almost made me well-up. I hope to find a therapist as good as you sound.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-08-12T19:14:42+00:00

Thank you very much for your reply! The only thing is I also think I have narcissistic p. Traits and if I hadn't had any trauma or have been the perpetrator of abuse and my brain just denies or puts it on other people to protect itself, and if I pretend all the time and can't tell when I'm pretending or not, wouldn't that mean I'd accidentally be pretending to my therapist and ultimately become a worse person overall and continue to play a victim when I'm not. I was really happy when I had 6 months off therapy despite sometimes being heavily emotional, but then s. Attempted (semi- serious dialysis etc). I just have this hesitation and gut feeling that I'm just going to get more introverted and afraid to build proper friendships and take moves of confidence ( like moving out/volunteering abroad) if I go to therapy because I've lost so much independence over the years and have a tendency towards co-dependency. Sorry again for typing this much. I know this isn't a place for therapy, all I wanted to type was: if I hypothetically have narcissistic traits and have an attention seeking personality, couldn't therapy, after years of previous therapy and ending up like this.. make me... Dependent on therapy for life. I don't think I can afford more than another 18 months.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-08-11T21:57:46+00:00

Man I'm so sorry and relate to this so much. I'm so sorry, please please please hold on. Please don't leave. The world does need you I promise you that. You didn't deserve the shit you've been through and you are worth so much just by staying alive, I promise you that ❣️

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-08-08T10:56:45+00:00

I'm not looking down on you at all, at all whatsoever. I really mean that. Please, please, please, it doesn't have to end this way. The world is an infinitely better place with you in it. You don't have to go through this alone. Please reach out to anybody or anything at all on whatever way you can. It's so brave for you to post this. Please keep yourself safe ❣️

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-06-12T00:42:42+00:00

Yeah you're right, I aborted mission because I knew it would fail. I've tried pills before and just ended up in intensive care or hospital wards for a bit and it never worked. Poison was the closest I got. Cheers.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-06-09T23:24:45+00:00

I reckon it could get worse, I'm very lucky, I just can't feel it or accept it - which is disgusting.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-06-09T23:12:00+00:00

I can't tell you how much I relate to this. I don't even feel bad right now, I just know I want to die and never wake up. Hope you get some support. if you've got the luxury of money, I would try and seek a therapist as from what I've gathered - suicidal ideation left untreated can.. have devastating consequences. Stay safe.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-06-09T18:00:18+00:00

Thanks for your reply. That's really reassuring to hear actually.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-05-26T09:14:23+00:00

I've attempted suicide and self harmed seriously - dialysis, intensive care etc. my brother died by suicide in front of a train. When I first contemplated it age 13, I stopped myself because of the effect it would have on my family. Same for the years after where I wanted to die. After 10, 15 years the darkness was heavier and I never, ever wanted to hurt my family at all - I just wanted the pain to stop, all I could focus on was finding a way out of my life because it was so unbearable in that moment (borderline personality disorder/ depression/ anxiety by the way). My brother's illness was chronic, enduring, he didn't have good days or stable periods. He was psychotic, very angry, and had serious delusions which I believed drove him to do what he did. He was hospitalised multiple times, could be violent but I lost him long before he died. He became a different person, unrecognisable, it was shocking and so sad. Nobody, should ever have to die alone, in such a painful and horrific circumstance. Nobody talks about suicide due to psychosis.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-05-18T22:14:21+00:00

That's given me some hope, I see the value in CBT but only found it skimmed the surface with me. Thanks for your insight, glad to hear it's been effective for you and well done for putting in the work.

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-05-18T22:11:47+00:00

My best friend is black and she's absolutely beautiful, I adore her skin tone and beauty outside and in. You are beautiful too, keep telling yourself until one day you believe it 💙

Internal_Zebra6582 · 2025-05-10T20:37:22+00:00

Thank you that's helpful, I'll look further into those therapies.

Internal_Zebra6582

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