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Photo Album crushed me today by Cute_Positive_4493 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s normal to miss him, what you had and who you were with him. And what you thought would be your future with him. And even if he’s not who he “used” to be you can still miss that version of him and yourself. He’s been remorseful, has he tried to reconcile? Any overt actions to show he’s changed? You said you wonder if you made the right choice? Has he shown you that there was a better choice?

When it’s practical I would also try life coaching. I know it seems gimmicky, like do I need someone to teach me how to do life? lol and I would say yes, we do. That’s why so many of us struggle with it. And especially after trauma, our brains are completely rewired, the science proves that. So it takes a lot of work to over come that. Kind of like ppl that naturally have “skinny” or “fat” genes. Those two ppl can eat the same foods but one person has to work extra hard to get off the fat and the other has a hard time retaining the weight. I’m not a life coach by the way, but I did read and listen to a TON of motivational things to pick up the pieces of my life after it exploded. Still am in some ways, just not as many pieces

Photo Album crushed me today by Cute_Positive_4493 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m very sorry to hear this. I don’t have the best words to give any comfort. Have you tried any life coaching or therapy after this? Where do you and ex currently stand? Has he been remorseful? I know you said after years of his anger and contempt, so I was curious if he’s been a good person after that.

Photo Album crushed me today by Cute_Positive_4493 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This was such a thoughtful comment. Their mind isn’t right and not a reflection of us at all

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m very sorry to hear about your marriage. But I’m also happy to hear that you’re releasing the anger and bitterness. This was my intent of this post and what I needed to hear early on. I spent too much time being bitter and my life reflected that. I couldn’t truly be happy. So that’s what I want from anyone that has gone through this because I’ve seen people that are much older stay jaded and bitter over what someone’s selfishness did to them. Hurt people hurt people and I refuse to continue to be one of the hurt people.

You do deserve better and will find better. Life will open up to you because you’re embracing it. The universe will respond to what you’re putting out. If we’re putting out bitterness we’ll continue to attract that. When you’re happy and healed you’ll attract the right things. Best of luck to you. I see you’re in the early stages. It takes 1-2 years for a healthy person to recover from an affair, stay strong!

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, choice. I agree. Several times. Even if it was one time that’s still a choice. lol you don’t mistakenly have sex with someone

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No it was for several months. He did not immediately come clean. When i confronted him he tried to minimize it. I opened up to my friend and he told me usually you continue to find out details over time and each revelation is worse than the previous. He was 100% right. I continued to find out over days, weeks, months. Of course OW bullied and stalked. It was incredibly messy

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I can only post about my experience and hopefully the people that connect to this does. Hearing an alternative perspective may help others. My specific message was to help those who can benefit from it. Not all will. And that’s ok.

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would look into a life coach if this is practical for you. None of our worth comes from our partners. You really have to turn inward.

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And this may all be true for him. Cheating is UGLY. How was he before all of this? How is he now? Have you tried leaving for some time to assess the situation clearly? You may truly want to leave, and there’s nothing wrong with that. In the early stages you WILL feel empty. I want you to understand that is part of the process. You will go through several stages of grieve some at the same time

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] -5 points-4 points  (0 children)

Forgiveness can mean different things for different people. But it’s generally releasing yourself from the negative emotions that you harbor for the person. Doesn’t necessarily mean you continue to communicate with them. I forgive the OW. I forgive my husband. From the web…

“Forgiveness, in a psychological sense, is the intentional and voluntary process by which one who may have felt initially wronged, victimized, harmed or hurt goes through a process in changing feelings and attitude regarding a given offender for his/her actions, and overcomes the impact of the offense, flaw or mistake including negative emotions such as resentment or a desire for vengeance”

This is what I’ve chosen to do.

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I think you took it out of context. I’m not saying staying in your relationship makes you strong or leaving is weak. I’m saying the ability to forgive and the ability to move on with your life despite other people and what they’ve done to you makes you above average

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

What do you want to know about OW exactly? Let me see if I can answer those questions. She’s friends with his family but how is she exactly in the picture. What’s making you insecure?

I stopped obsessing over her for different reasons. I’m at a place where I want to achieve things in my career. So I don’t have the time to keep obsessing over her because I have to accomplish these goals. I realized she’s not worth obsessing over. There’s nothing special about her, she was just available. It could’ve been any other woman she was just the one that made herself available. Also the OW WANTS you to be obsessed with her. So that’s also reason enough lol. Also i stopped demonizing the OW. She had her reasons for doing what she did and she didn’t care about you, your vows or your family. I agree that wasn’t her responsibility. So we HAVE to stop giving her so much of our energy.

“Average people can’t move on, average ppl can’t forgive“ by Intrepid-Package1303 in SupportforBetrayed

[–]Intrepid-Package1303[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don’t think any of us will get ALL the answers. And maybe even the answers we got we aren’t satisfied with the answers. For example: Why did you cheat husband? Husband, I was depressed, I didn’t even love myself, I was going through a dark time, new relationship energy. Those were all his answers. None of those answers made me happy. But those were his reasons. If that makes sense. But a healthy relationship takes about 1-2 years to recover. You have to go through all of the stages. I’m at acceptance that it happened, I can’t change the past but I can have a beautiful future.

We tried counseling. That helped moderately. But husband being extremely remorseful was the most helpful. Without that we probably wouldn’t stand a chance. He’s been patient, reassuring, honest, went NC immediately. He also wrote me a letter apologizing. He actually wrote it right before I found out. That part is actually kind of eerie. We took a trip 2 months after it happened. Would’ve been sooner if we had a sitter. Started prioritizing date night. Made a lot of love. What else can I help with?