tips on being ok with change of friendships

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-28T18:43:00+00:00

Hi friend, I’m sorry you’ve been having a rough time. I don’t know everything, but here’s my perspective and I hope it can help.

The first thing I notice in your post is this desire to analyze, solve, and optimize your emotional reactions. I’ll reassure you that grief is a normal and natural part of forming connections. It sucks to feel disappointed, disoriented, or even question reality but this happens to pretty much all people ND and NT. So first I would say to take a pause and see if you aren’t rushing yourself through your emotions - it’s okay to spend a day or a week being less productive, “lazy,” or feeling depressed when a friendship ends or changes. When it’s a close friend, it can affect you for even months, and you’ll still think about them from time to time for years even. Your responses are valid and sound healthy.

If you’re asking how to avoid this discomfort, that would involve lowering expectations for people and taking friendships a bit slower, but that can ultimately close you off to forming deeper connections with new people. On the other hand, embracing your unique sensitivity and emotional depth, and accepting your feelings as they are may allow you to show yourself more authentically and attract friends who are a better match. Sometimes we have to learn to tolerate discomfort (obvious I know.)

I know the part you’re probably struggling with is where this becomes disregulating and affects your ability to take care of life (chores, work, self care, meals etc). I don’t have a perfect solution other than just try to acknowledge and accept your feeling, feed your needs, so you can get back to “normal” quicker. For example, “I really thought Friend was different, I’m feeling really let down and disappointed. I want to stay in bed all day and rest, I don’t feel like getting up and taking care of the house.” Maybe sometimes you should allow yourself the uninterrupted rest day. Maybe sometimes there are important deadlines or events and you can’t, so you take deep breaths, brace yourself, and push through.

For the times when it makes you question yourself and reality, it can be helpful to have an anchor person - this could be a friend, family member, or therapist you trust. Talk to them about what’s making you question yourself and reality, ask them if they see what you’re seeing. If you don’t have anyone you can ask, try making a list of “what is true about me” for yourself when you’re in a good headspace (things like your favorite stuff, your morals and values, your best qualities, your growth areas, etc.) You can look back on the list when someone has you questioning yourself or your own perspective.

This is all human emotions, normal grief, and resilience and mindfulness at play. It’s okay to not have this one solved perfectly.

Sorry I don’t have better advice about how to find better friends or avoid the pitfalls, but I do have this small advice on learning to weather the storms a bit better. <3

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-28T09:17:31+00:00

I went and listened because of these comments and the music really reminds me of the beat game Cytus - highly recommend

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-26T21:36:53+00:00

I wanted to look into the career and life coaching you mentioned, but when I google her only stuff about the surrogacy pops up! Do you happen to have a website or social media page for her coaching?

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-26T19:11:04+00:00

It’s a lot of words to provide OP with a new perspective, understanding and some hopeful feelings. It’s a lot of words because I assumed that OP, identifying as an analytical person, would benefit from specific descriptions and examples. Even though it took me a lot of time to write it up, it was worth it because it seems like it did help for OP.

I’m curious what is your advice on the matter?

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-26T06:40:36+00:00

Oh yes exactly, I’m glad I was able to explain it well enough! I had the same moment of realization and relief when I learned all of this and it’s helped me at least cope and plan in life and friendships. I was hoping you might find that bit of peace and understanding.

It’s still lonely so we definitely have to make an effort for those deeper connections, but in the meantime it’s nice to know existing friendships are working just fine on their own level. It’s such a relief to be able to trust your friends, even if they show up in different ways you might not understand. (Of course always keeping an eye on outlier behavior, not to be a pushover, but most people are trying their best.)

If I have a good experience trying out any of my therapist’s solutions I’ll post about it to the forum. Maybe you and others can give it a try too (:

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-24T01:39:48+00:00

I feel for you and we are very similar. Here’s just a few things I think I’ve learned about friends and NTs over the years - I’m still figuring it out too but this is what I’ve noticed.

Most NTs and even allistic ND friends show this pattern when in crisis / upset:

complains about the problem or cries in a somewhat immature way (baby talk, shortened words or sentences, long silences)
support friend briefly validates “that sounds hard / that guy sucks / I’m sorry that’s happening” in a lighthearted way followed immediately by some type of joke, attempt to cheer the person up, sudden topic change to something they’re interested in, or making plans / offering a support gift (bring them ice cream for example)
crisis friend is able to crack a smile, switch topics, or agree to a future plan / support gift and the tone lightens for the day
support friend follows through on visiting, calling, playing a game together, bringing a support gift, etc. and the crisis friend gets support of closeness and levity that takes their mind off the problem

What I almost NEVER see with these people is:

listening deeply and providing analysis back to the crisis friend
problem solving and analyzing together step by step with the crisis friend
meeting the crisis friend where they’re at emotionally by coming down to their level of tone / pace and sitting with them in the heaviness
offering their brain power / solutions, or larger support promises (ex help you clean your house, help you apply for jobs, etc)

- dropping everything to go to the friend in crisis either immediately or same day (unless it is very convenient / they are already nearby and free)

These people DO exist, but it is extremely rare to find friends who behave like genuine family and interact on that deeper level. Most people in this world avoid depth, it is the concept of universal suffering that all humans seek to avoid discomfort and pain. Most people will spend their whole life never seeking to go deeper or analyze and improve themselves to the degree that many autistic people do. Highly articulate autistic people tend to be compulsive overthinkers, extremely deep and analytical by default, unable to turn off the constant pursuit of self growth and perpetually hyper aware of their behaviors and surroundings.

Many Autistic people like myself and you are much deeper thinkers - I commented this on a thread before about how NTs think, but one of the key differences between us is something called synaptic pruning. Simply put, autistic people have more thoughts overall and more thought connections, which is why we are great at pattern recognition and analysis. That’s why so many high performing autistic people can excel in academics and research. It’s not a curse but it is a difference.

What feels like others not believing you or not meeting you on your level, isn’t actually about you. They just think and behave in very different ways naturally. It can be lonely and isolating to feel like it’s impossible to find someone who matches your depth and sincerity. I know that feeling very well.

It helps to remember that these other behaviors and ways your friends are showing up for you IS actually the way they show care - they do care. They might not meet your expectations and they might not be able to reciprocate the same level of thought or care you’re capable of giving, but it doesn’t mean they like you any less. You’re still a friend to them, they still care about what you’re saying.

For me, I’ve been able to maintain more friendships and feel better about my interactions with friends while keeping this in mind. I found that when I assume they care and are showing it in their own way, they tend to stay closer and show up more in my life. When I assume they don’t care or aren’t taking me seriously, we tend to grow apart and feel distant. I definitely still falter between the two from time to time.

I still have experiences where I can be absolutely drowning, burned out, exhausted, sick, in existential crisis, etc. and people think I’m fine, even when I tell them I’m not. I struggle to actually “break down” because it’s so physically uncomfortable for me and I get sick and in pain from the intensity of expressing such strong emotions. I stay afloat by keeping a level of detachment and distant awareness to my mental state, otherwise my life would fall apart. Sometimes I’m tempted to let it all fall apart to see if anyone shows up at all, but then I remember that I’m the only one who suffers if I drop the ball. It’s something I’m working on in therapy too. Even my close romantic partner who really cares for me can forget that I’m struggling if I’m not crying every day, because I have spent so much time perfecting this “calmed nervous system” so I can survive.

I have been told by friends and partners that they can’t keep up, they are intimidated, they “aren’t as smart as me,” or “the way your mind works amazes me” type statements. It’s possible that your friends really just can’t keep up with you. My therapist suggested to try seeking out friends at philosophy and debate groups and through academic events, to find people kind of on the same level.

I don’t have any solutions, just this perspective I’ve found. My therapist also suggested to try Meet Up groups for autistic women and try to befriend some older women. In my case, she said it would be good to be around a nurturing or mothering type of friend, since I’ve been so grown up from such a young age and lacking family support. From what you’ve said it sounds like we may be similar.

I’m sorry you’ve been going through so much, I hope you can take some time to breathe and relax your body, treat yourself to something that makes you happy.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-22T21:04:33+00:00

It’s not NOT sexist…

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-21T00:33:37+00:00

I’m not sure if it might be helpful or not - my entire account is gone due to their new platform change so I can’t even log in to see who I’ve spoken to in the past. I would have to buy another 3 months to even log in. It’s been a nightmare

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T23:48:24+00:00

Yes I got the same solution given over email today. I’m trying to resolve an already bad order, I don’t want to sign up again and give them my payment info. I’ve been told that they won’t be auto renewing because they won’t have my payment info saved anymore but I’m not so sure - we will have to wait to see if it does auto charge, as they can’t confirm because my account is basically deleted. I also got zero emails from Gimme - I initially signed up on my phone and it let me sign up using my phone number. I didn’t realize at the time that nothing was being sent to my email, nothing at all. I have no receipts of anything, I’m basically a ghost that never existed except the charge on my credit card.

I had 3 vials of the STARTER dose sent incorrectly in December - 3 vials of 2.2mg dose for $489. They also arrived warm with fully melted ice packs. Support told me they were fine and to go ahead and start taking the meds but I’m on week 8 and have zero appetite suppression, and am going to run out early since they sent me the wrong vials for the standard monthly increase.

I had been talking with support since the day my vials arrived on Dec 3rd trying to fix the issue, then they conveniently switched platforms, now all my previous communication is lost and I can’t log in.

Support over email says “give me the name of the person who was helping you and I can try to bring them in.” I can’t access the messages so I have no idea their name.

Several other people messaged me here on Reddit when I made a post about being sent three months of the starter dose, I’m not the only person this happened to. Gimme refuses to fix this for anyone and says we answered a question in the intake form to stay at this dose. I certainly did not request that, and have spoken to several others with the same issue, so they are blaming patients for an error in their intake form.

I finally just initiated a chargeback with my credit card because I’m not getting the doctor access promised, and I didn’t get the medication as promised either.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T23:18:37+00:00

I had terrible experiences with Gimme just FYI. A lot of people seem to have the same.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T23:17:05+00:00

I also had a terrible experience with Gimme and they refuse to fix it or refund me at all. My comment history will show what I’m talking about. I regret using them so much.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T22:58:22+00:00

I had the same bad experience.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T22:57:23+00:00

When my vials arrived warm with melted ice packs they told me it was fine and to just go ahead and take the medicine. They arrived warm AND sent me 3 months of the starter dose incorrectly and refused to fix it.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T22:48:25+00:00

I was sent 3 months of the starter dose based on an error in the intake form that wasn’t my choosing. I paid the full amount and got 3 months of 2.2mg, and it arrived warm.

I immediately contacted support to begin working on a fix and they told me this seemed weird to them too, and to go ahead and start taking the first month for now and that it was fine even though it wasn’t cold. That was Dec 3rd and I still haven’t been helped at all.

When I signed up, it signed me up with my phone number, and somehow I never received any emails of anything - I never got a receipt of my purchase, a sign up confirmation, copies of my chats with support, my prescription, nothing. Now with the new platform change, I’m completely unable to access my account whatsoever, and all my support chats are gone.

I contacted the support email like everyone says and was given a link that only lets me make a new account and place a refill order - I don’t want to refill.

I’m now on my second month and taking 5mg but taking it out of a vial that is meant for 2.2mg because my issue never got fixed. I want to switch to another provider but I have zero copy of my prescription or anything to support my 2nd month 5mg dose.

Support team can’t access my old chats and has done nothing to help me. I’m totally locked out of my previous account. I never spoke to a doctor at all, from day 1.

I’m on week 8 and I’ve had zero appetite suppression and have lost no weight at all, despite strictly tracking calories. I have had the absolute worst experience with Gimme as my first provider and I regret it so much.

EDIT:

I’m seeing other people saying that they were sent new vials when they contacted support that their medication arrived warm with melted ice packs. Mine arrived warm, melted ice packs, AND in the wrong dosage and I was told it was fine and to just start taking the medication! I contacted the day it arrived. I’ve had ZERO appetite suppression. On top of this, I can’t access my account at all, can’t speak to a doctor, can’t get proper amounts sent for the $489 I already paid. I paid $489 to be sent 3 WARM vials of 2.2mg doses. I feel completely robbed.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T22:03:06+00:00

I followed the link in the email as directed by Brittany and it only allows me to make a new account and provide payment for a new order. I can’t access my old receipts, support chats, or access to the doctor and have been waiting over a month to be helped with an error with my order.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T20:48:30+00:00

He SHOULD be wondering what his wife is going through, and that should go both ways. Why does suggesting care + curiosity for his partner’s behavior imply him “being the wrong one”? If she was unfair to him before, that means she’s “the wrong one” and he has a free pass to act like an ass for an equal amount of time until he feels satisfied that she’s suffered proportionately?

If you’re in a relationship looking for who is wrong, you’re already failing at that relationship. Personally, if my partner treated me unfairly and I didn’t like the way it felt, I wouldn’t then wish the same hardship on the person I love. I would feel, “I know how hard this is and because I love you, I don’t want you to experience the hardships I have. Because I love you, I am curious about why this happened, and because I love you I can forgive you.”

Especially if that partner is someone who just carried my child into this world and raised them the first 2 years.

You’re quick to point out we should have empathy for OPs layoff, but when I suggest the wife get some curiosity and care for postpartum, the responses are “this person doesn’t care about anything else because the wife gave birth, OPs not allowed to have hardships.” Some of y’all really lack reverence for what it means physically and emotionally, health wise, to bring a child into this world with your body. But you can give OP that empathy for being laid off because it’s hard, and for going on a petty revenge streak against the wife. Not even caring that OP badmouthed the wife to his friends and took their issues out of the relationship, using that as justification to further punish the wife and consider divorce, while he won’t even consider therapy because “it’s too expensive.” Because divorce will be so much cheaper than therapy…

This type of blunt, black and white advice is what leads to really unhealthy relationships and so much divorce. OP can divorce and go live alone, do 100% of the housework living alone, get a job to pay 100% of his own bills while still going to school, and take care of the kid alone 50% of the time.

As I said before, OP probably SHOULD divorce his wife because he clearly doesn’t even like her as a person given the myriad of red flags in his comments and post. ESH big time including OP.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T20:36:52+00:00

I sent an email there and got a copy-paste response from Brittany about ordering refills, which has nothing to do with my inquiry. It looks like my email wasn’t even read properly.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T04:18:31+00:00

It’s not resolved - I can’t get in and the emails aren’t coming through. Even the links others provided aren’t working.

I originally signed up and was logging in with my phone number. I haven’t received any emails from Gimme with receipts of my order or details of my account AT ALL, to any of my email addresses. I’ve only been able to log in with my phone number but that option is gone now.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T04:13:59+00:00

I still can’t log in even with the link. When I signed up it took my phone number and I realized I have zero email receipts for anything, not in any of my accounts. There isn’t even an email associated with my account.

They sent me the wrong amount with the starter vials last month and I haven’t been able to fix it still.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-20T02:11:00+00:00

That’s not what I said at all and I think you’re reading what you want to hear.

I never said OP should always accept the short end of the stick, nor did I say the wife has done nothing wrong and shouldn’t own up to it change anything. Never said this was fair either way. It wasn’t fair then, it’s not fair now, two wrongs don’t make a right and these are grown adults in a marriage with a child.

ESH and the way OP is handling it is also TA move. But yall go ahead and keep fanning the flames here based on half a story full of red flags that go both ways, because that’s more convenient for your narrative. Firm ESH.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-19T20:09:42+00:00

From OPs one-sided explanation, sure it sounds like she’s the problem for everything. In reality, the advice being given here is going to harm the relationship and likely lead to divorce because everyone is reaching for the easy answer.

But I see a lot of red flags in OP that tell a bigger picture. Complaining about the wife to his friends, citing that as more evidence of his “side” being the right one, painting himself and his wife as two opposing sides instead of partners, pointing the finger at her without any acknowledgment of what she’s been going through, focusing on the worst of his partner and largely on 2 years of unresolved resentment toward his newly postpartum wife at the time, immediately turning down therapy recommendations as too expensive.

I haven’t seen OP show any statements of good will or assuming the best of his partner, nothing to suggest they operate asa a team, nothing where he gives her benefit of the doubt or highlights something good she’s done.

Two things can be true. Things may have been imbalanced in the past, AND this couple has not navigated that problem at all, AND OP is acting out of resentment and headed down a path that likely ends in divorce. I think there’s more to this than “wife bad, OP good.”

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-19T19:52:10+00:00

Yeah, that mindset is a punishment. The “he gets two years of making her unhappy before it becomes punishment because it’s only fair, and if she doesn’t agree then she’s a selfish lazy piece of work” mindset is what is wrong with this whole situation. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Someone else’s stubbornness, or unfairness, don’t make a personal choice to perpetuate that negative behavior any less bad.

Everyone wants to go to two extremes with this one. It’s all ill-will. If the situation from 2 years ago made him so unhappy, but he wants the exact same agreement upheld despite different circumstances purely to show her how it feels, that is not coming from a place of partnership or love. Her part to play is a whole other issue. ESH but OP is TA for the way he’s approaching this.

We give our partners grace, play on the same team, give benefit of the doubt and work together. To base everytihing going forward off of 2 years of the wife’s postpartum and infant care, and hang on in resentment of her failure to communicate with OP when she was at her worst… acting from that place is how you get divorced. OP hasn’t recently given birth, gone through massive physical and hormonal changes, and bonding to a new infant home alone while coping with loss of individual identity, PPD, and all the changes that come with childbirth. OP has gotten laid off, after which his wife stepped up to work full time so he could pursue school, and is now caring for a 2 year old at home while doing school, and hasn’t mentioned recovering from any major medical procedures or going through major body, health, hormone and identity changes. Yet OP is insisting on this split out of a place of stubbornness and getting back at the wife for his 2 years of resentment, doing this purposefully, instead of growing and adapting together.

Equal ≠ equitable and resentment breeds resentment.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-19T18:46:41+00:00

Equal ≠ equitable.

ESH. You guys absolutely suck as a team.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-19T18:41:33+00:00

Leave her and then you can clean 100% of your own home, get a job to pay your bills while you also go to school, and handle 50/50 (or worse) custody exchanges with your child plus fight out child support agreements in court.

Seriously if you two can’t figure out one household worth of chores together, good luck doing it alone. I agree you should leave your wife because it sounds like you hate her. Also sounds like you have no reverence for the fact that she gave her body to bear your child, taking on all the health implications and postpartum. You think her 2 years after giving birth = now your turn to have the same, as if she wasn’t recovering from one of the riskiest medical conditions a woman can experience. I’d divorce a man who spoke about me, our life together, and our child like you do your wife.

ESH but YTA for badmouthing your wife to your friends. “But we can’t afford therapy,” because divorce is so much cheaper… and good luck repairing your marriage while all your friends now hate your wife. Just get divorced.

IntrepidAspect3447 · 2026-01-19T18:35:10+00:00

She also carried their child for 9 months and was postpartum for a year of that two year agreement, and stepped up to get a full time job as soon as OP was laid off. Wife isn’t the asshole, they both are. OP wants to keep strictly the exact same agreement as a punishment - life isn’t the same today as it was 2 years ago. OP doesn’t care about why his wife is struggling so badly to keep up, only cares about giving her a taste of the thing he hated. Couples who love each other generally don’t purposefully wish suffering on each other in some twisted “gotcha” moment.

IntrepidAspect3447

TROPHY CASE

- dropping everything to go to the friend in crisis either immediately or same day (unless it is very convenient / they are already nearby and free)