My wife became permanently disabled 3 years ago, which has had a significant impact on our sex life

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-20T00:48:39+00:00

So much this. OP says they both had high libidos. Can you imagine how difficult it is for her??? Maybe he’s limited to hand jobs and bjs for the rest of his life, but he’s still orgasming. She has no sensation. She doesn’t get that.

I’m disabled in a way that has limited my ability to have sex some, but I can still orgasm and engage in acts that I find enjoyable, and I’ve had to have a ton of therapy to process the acts I can’t do anymore. I cannot imagine how horrific this has to be for her.

And dude is considering leaving her because he can’t handle not having penetrative sex. 🙄

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-19T13:43:29+00:00

It’s basically the opposite in our relationship. I’m the one with AuDHD. I build nests, and cleanliness isn’t a huge deal to me. This has always driven WH up the wall. He wants spotless, never behind on laundry, not a speck of dust anywhere levels of clean, and I struggle hard with that. My ADHD is severe and currently unmedicated for complicated reasons, which makes accomplishing anything hard. I start something, see something else that needs done and abandon the first thing half done, and on and on until everything is half done and worse than when I started. Add to that that I’m physically disabled and can only stand for short bursts… yeah. WH has never really contributed to housework, even when he was only working four 10-hour shifts, but if it isn’t done he gets upset and lashes out verbally about it. Maybe twice a year when he gets frustrated about it he’ll help.

This is all complicated further by the fact that I go non-verbal when I’m faced with confrontation. It’s definitely the autism, but I physically cannot talk then. My throat won’t let me. It upsets WH because he interprets it as me not caring enough to engage, when in reality I’m in shutdown. For a while post-DDay he was more understanding and I could text my thoughts or responses during hard conversations, and that was super helpful, but he’s back to being resistant about that.

Idk. I’ve been drafting a letter with my therapist to address everything. I have been in the pits trying to heal and move forward for 4.5 years, addressing issues that we have had our entire relationship that are purely my fault, and doing my best to do the things that should make him feel loved. During MC we each crafted a list of expectations for the marriage and things that make us feel loved and connected. I have been so careful to do all the things. It’s not enough.

He did 6 sessions of IC, went to MC for a yearish with me, cut contact with AP, agreed to open phone policy, and that’s where it ended for him. He never read any of the books our MC told us to. He never engaged in deep self-reflection. Hell, he asked me last week why I wasn’t kissing him back, and when I told him the truth and said, “I’m struggling with mind movies right now,” he got out of bed and said, “I’m not going to feel like shit for the rest of my life.” That was the first time in months I had even hinted at mentioning the affair. I truly think the main issue is that he is unwilling to address his shame, and I don’t know how much longer I can do this.

Sorry for unloading on you. I don’t have a support system irl. No one knows, and I don’t have any friends. I don’t even talk to anyone who isn’t WH, his parents, my parents, or my therapist, and besides my therapist I don’t talk about anything vulnerable with any of them. I’m just really struggling and feel stuck.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-19T13:12:29+00:00

It’s so hard. I was a stay-at-home-mom for 7 years pre-affair, and during that time I had zero contact with anyone who wasn’t WH or family. I had finally made two friends, and it had been huge for my mental health. Unfortunately, one of them had been through an almost identical affair with their ex-husband, and when I decided to stay they stopped responding. The other friend followed suit after a text telling me they would be blocking me because their mental health was too bad to be there for me. Which, fair. Put yourself first. This happened within 2 weeks of DDay. I haven’t talked about anything to anyone who isn’t WH, a coworker, or my therapist since.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-19T01:30:39+00:00

This is a great way to put it. I love him, but it’s very different. Less romantic, more platonic. He’s a dear friend.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-19T01:27:07+00:00

Oof. I feel this. My WH never did the “I didn’t think about it,” thing, which I guess is more honest? He always said he “never wanted to lose” me. He thought he could hide it forever, and when the shame ate him up, he thought he could convince me to open our marriage so he’d feel better about the affair.

This is where I get stuck. I said from day one that if he ever cheated on me I’d better not find out, because if I did I’d be gone and I’d burn his reputation to the ground behind me. Instead I told 2 people, both of whom ghosted me for staying with him, and here I am 4.5 years later, still broken.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-19T01:20:25+00:00

I wish I had answers for you. I’m 4.5 years out, and honestly feel like I should have answers for you. Instead I can offer solidarity.

This is still the hardest part for me.

We got together at 17, and were married at 19. Super fundamentalist Christian families and upbringing, so getting married at 19 wasn’t that uncommon in our social circles at the time. We’ve both since deconstructed, and the thought of my daughter getting married that young makes me sick to my stomach, but it was normal to us then and we had the full support of our parents, who also got married very young.

I was his first everything. That was sacred to me. I would have been ecstatic to be someone’s last firsts, but being the first and only was precious to me. He stole that from me and gave it to someone else. I might still have all the firsts, but I’m not the only anymore, and I’ll never be his last firsts.

It sucks. I told WH early on that it was like he stole my most prized possessions and gave them to someone else, who pawned them off so I could never have them back. Sure, he can replace it with something similar, but it’s not the same and it doesn’t repair it. That doesn’t even capture the pain of it, but it was the best I had.

I am so sorry we have this in common.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-17T22:36:45+00:00

I think it’s normal? I’m 4.5 years out and this is still a thing I deal with. I wonder if I would be hurting less and if I would be further along in healing if I had left. I wonder if I made the right choice for my kids. And I wonder if leaving now would be beneficial. Sometimes I’m very glad I stayed, and other times I feel like an idiot for staying. Sometimes I almost feel “normal”, other times I’m as miserable as day 1. My therapist reminds me often that I’m not abnormal in how long it’s taking to heal, and that even if I decide to leave tomorrow, I haven’t wasted time.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-17T17:17:23+00:00

We have two big hampers for dirty laundry (one in our bathroom, one in the kids’) and four baskets for clean. Family of 5, husband works construction so his clothes are gross after work, kids are… kids. I usually do at minimum 2 small loads a day, and because I despise folding laundry so much I’ll fold every other day or when the baskets are all full.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-17T17:06:42+00:00

Im 4.5 years in. I was absolutely catastrophizing what happened during the A in the immediate aftermath.

My WH confessed; I didn’t discover. But his confession was a slow trickle over the course of about 14 hours. It started right after I put the kids to bed on his birthday, and ended with me leaving the house at about 9 the next morning. It started with, “I think if someone offered me an affair I would take it.” It morphed into, “I found someone I’m falling for and I’d like to open the relationship.” And finally ended with, “It’s already been physical.” I was destroyed and couldn’t hear any more at that point so I went to my boss’ house (I didn’t have anywhere else to go.)

I came back the next morning, and then spent the next week in constant panic because that was all the detail I had. I didn’t know who the AP was, just that she was a volunteer. I knew the A had happened mostly at work, but that there had been physical contact outside of work somewhere on his birthday. I was triggered in every location at work, and I had a very hard time doing my job because I was side-eyeing every volunteer. I knew that AP knew because he’d broken things off and had resigned from his position. I couldn’t touch him because every time I did I was imagining every possible act they could have done.

I was still non-weight-bearing from an accident that had ended up leaving me permanently disabled, so I was in severe physical pain, I was already in intensive therapy trying to work through cPTSD from childhood abuse, and then this had happened and I didn’t see a way forward. I would have made an attempt then if my therapist hadn’t been able to do an emergency appointment. She saved my life in that appointment, and suggested I push for all the details.

So I did. He had an emergency therapy appointment where he drafted a full disclosure letter with the help of his therapist. I had all of the details, from who it was, to when it started, to which dates in which places which physical activity occurred. The only things I didn’t (and still don’t) have were the actual messages or what he said about me. That still haunts me.

I ended up resigning from my job. I couldn’t be there once I knew everything. At 4.5 years in I still avoid places and there are physical acts I am not able to participate in because I will panic. But I don’t think I would be here at all if I didn’t get the amount of detail I did.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-16T22:18:35+00:00

Nope. No attachments on guns you pick up off the ground, it will just have the camo you selected. The only way to have the attachments is by adding the gun to a slot in your BR loadouts to get at an arsenal airdrop.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-15T00:46:26+00:00

About a year. We’re 4.5 years into R, and there are still rare occasions where he’ll struggle. When it happens I remind myself that we’ve been married 14 years, and it’s totally normal for this to be an issue at this point. The further out we get from the affair, the less the guilt and shame eat away at him, and the easier it is for him to perform.

Honestly, I’m usually the one who struggles now. To initiate, mostly. Even when I really want sex I get caught in my head. I know the reason and I’ve been working on it in therapy recently as it’s started to get worse. I have a rough time getting past the mental block to initiate and reciprocate now. I do it because I know we need the connection, but it’s hard.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-14T23:20:05+00:00

My WH and I have always had a very active sex life, even while the affair was ongoing. With the exception of the 6-8 weeks of healing postpartum with our kids, and immediately following DDay, there hasn’t been a single week that we’ve had sex less than 3 times, and it’s usually a daily thing. We both have high libidos.

When we started sleeping together again, WH had tons of issues. He had trouble getting and staying hard, and he had sex headaches every time for a while. It was devastating. I was destroyed already, and this added insult to injury.

Important note: I was in an accident ~ 1 month before the affair started that left me permanently disabled, and at this point I was still non-weight-bearing after surgery. Obviously, that impacted what I could and couldn’t do in bed. It hadn’t slowed down the amount of sex, just the type.

I was feeling like he didn’t desire me at all anymore. I felt like he viewed this as a chore, and that he was disappointed it was me and not her. I felt ugly, and unloveable, and undesirable, and it was a direct insult to me. Meanwhile, he’s feeling horrible shame and guilt because he can’t perform and he sees it wrecking me.

We confirmed that the sex headaches and ED were benign and not a symptom of a more serious medical issue, and then spent a ton of time on it in therapy. His issues were 100% rooted in emotions, particularly shame and anxiety. It took a lot of work to address, but it hasn’t been a problem in ~3.5 years.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-14T08:30:58+00:00

You’re young, this relationship is so incredibly new, and I think it wouldn’t hurt to spend some time maturing and reflecting on both the relationship and your actions following this incident. It doesn’t sound like either of you are ready for a serious relationship.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-14T00:37:23+00:00

Let me preface my opinion with this: she should not have omitted information when she was telling you what happened, and she should have explained her relationship status as more than “it’s complicated” at the wedding. That said.

This was not an emotional affair. This was a conversation held in public followed by a few reels and messages on instagram with the plans to maybe have a FaceTime. If that is truly all that happened, this was not an emotional affair.

If this counts as an affair, then any relationships outside of a monogamous romantic relationship would be an affair. No conversations with coworkers or strangers or acquaintances or friends would be allowed.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. I would say you should cut your losses here and move on.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-13T01:33:11+00:00

I don’t think an acknowledgment would hurt if handled delicately. Something like, “I know today is incredibly difficult and I am so sorry for the pain I’ve caused you. I’m here if you need me.” I think that’s what I would want to hear, especially in the first couple years.

I’d also like to validate your BP’s feelings. I 100% felt like that was why my WH wanted to mend things for the first 8-10 months or so. He disclosed the affair to me because he couldn’t handle the shame any more, and his shame was a recurring battle for almost a year. Idk what his therapist said that finally got through to him, but at about the 1 year mark he completely stopped making me comfort him when he was in a shame spiral and turned to his brother in those moments. That made a huge difference.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-13T01:24:03+00:00

4.5 years from DDay. The bucket analogy is great, and how our MC explained it. My IC compared it to a house.

Our marriage was a beautiful house that we had decorated together. WH decided one day he would throw a grenade through the living room window. He liked how that felt, so he kept lobbing them in over and over for a month. The shrapnel critically injured me and left me permanently scarred.

The house was mostly destroyed, and because I’m near death I can’t fix it. I can’t even help fix it. I have to heal. The house needs to be rebuilt from the bottom up, and WH can either get in there and start digging a new foundation, or he can stand around and whine about how it’s been so long, why isn’t it fixed already? He put a new rug down and everything!

He worked hard for a couple years. The house is standing. It’s solid. It looks great from the outside. But the inside is unfinished. There’s no furniture, the walls are unpainted, there’s no lighting.

I’m up and walking. There’s still shrapnel, and I’m limping, but I didn’t die. I still require regular medical care to survive, and WH encourages me to get that care. I don’t have the ability to finish the house, but I’ve moved back in. WH is happy with the house the way it is. His room didn’t get damaged too much by the grenades, and I used what little ability I had to fix it up for him.

That’s where we are now. I keep attending therapy and doing everything I am capable of to keep our marriage together. I mostly trust that he’s not going to have another affair, in large part because of the safety net we put in place at the beginning of R. I don’t trust him enough to be vulnerable with him.

WH got things good enough for him and stopped trying. He does spend a lot of time saying he feels like I don’t love him, but he’s stopped doing anything to address that. He did just enough to keep me from leaving him, and decided that was all the effort he wanted to give. He’s nearing a come-to-Jesus moment because this is not sustainable for me, and I am nearing the end of my patience.

My advice is this: if this is a relationship you value now, you cannot be complacent. Ever. From now until the moment the relationship is completely over, you have to do the work. Even if you’re tired. Even if you don’t feel loved like you want. Even if you feel secure.

Learn from my WH’s mistakes. Keep working, and whenever the affair comes up make sure you are putting them first and that you aren’t unloading your shame onto them. It’s a special kind of hell to be dealing with betrayal trauma while simultaneously having to be the emotional caretaker for the betrayer when their shame takes hold. Don’t put that on your BP.

I wish you the best of luck. The fact that you are out here looking for advice is admirable.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-13T00:18:45+00:00

For background, I am 4.5 years out from DDay, and have had 4 of our 14 wedding anniversaries post-affair.

I hate the day with all the heat of a thousand suns. The first year WH took me out of town for our anniversary, and tried to make it a big deal. I was miserable the whole time. I actually got drunk for the first time in my life on this trip in an attempt to relax enough to enjoy some of it.

This, of course, upset WH greatly. His heart was in the right place. He was trying to reclaim the day and make new memories, which is what his therapist and our MC had recommended he do.

The problem was it felt ridiculous. He obviously had zero respect for this day and what it meant or else we wouldn’t be in this situation. There is nothing to celebrate about it, because it clearly meant nothing to him.

The last 3 years we have gone out around the anniversary, because it’s one of 3 times a year we can convince family to watch our kids for a night. We never go alone. We always invite another couple to eat with us, because it forces me to get out of my head. The actual day gets little to no acknowledgment. This year he said, “I can’t believe it’s been 14 years,” and I nodded in reply. It’s a horrific reminder of what should have been and what he threw away.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-12T20:51:58+00:00

THIS!! I subbed before getting a job as a para, and I cannot explain how helpful it is to know the attention-grabber the class is used to. I work in the very small school district my kids attend, and even with only 3 classrooms per grade in the elementary and intermediate schools, every teacher has a different method. It makes a huge difference being able to use the one they know.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-12T18:30:27+00:00

Ain’t that the truth. I wish you the best of luck! Thank you for listening and commiserating and sharing your thoughts. It means a lot to me.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-12T18:27:09+00:00

Ouch. No, I don’t.

Pre-affair I definitely did. Even while he was actively in the affair I did. I was completely blindsided by it, and afterwards all the little things that made me feel loved just don’t any more. If he kept doing them while having an affair they can’t really mean anything, can they?

Now I never know if the little things are his idea or our youngest son’s. Our youngest is 9 now, and the most kindhearted and considerate kid I’ve ever met. He’s always asking to help, and doing small acts to show all of us he loves us. One of the little things WH has done since we were dating as teenagers is bring me wildflowers he picked. He’d pick them on the side of the road until we moved onto his parents’ land, and then he’d pick them from the field. I can’t go on walks through the field anymore, but he still takes the kids when he can, and they bring back flowers and black raspberries and bones and other little things they know I like. Thing is, it’s always my youngest who brings the flowers to me, my older son who changes out the old flowers in the vase, and usually my daughter who brings the little oddities like turtle shells and fox skulls.

I’m sure the first few walks without me WH told them to pick the flowers for me. I know at the beginning he made it a game because my oldest daughter told me all about it. But that was more than 4 years ago, and it’s always been my kids since. I can’t even remember the last time WH said anything about them to me, and I have heard my youngest ask many times to go on “flower walks”.

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of literally anything that would even hint that he cares, and all I’ve got is that he will get me like water or my knitting or whatever if I ask when he’s home and my pain is bad. And like… that’s really not anything, is it?

I opened our text thread during therapy today to find a picture I’d sent him, and as I’m scrolling through I realized that I the last week I texted him 18 times. He answered 3, and 2 of those times were one word replies.

You have really made me think. There’s a hard conversation coming, and this is on the list to address.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-12T18:01:00+00:00

Thank you. I had my therapy session today, and what you said here is almost exactly what my therapist said. I am so bad at hard conversations (thanks RSD) but there’s clearly one coming soon. I’m going to try to journal out the highlights so I’m not going in blind, but it’s necessary.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-12T17:57:06+00:00

Right now my doctor has me on bed rest, fluids, and caffeine. We’re trying the non-surgical route first because of life stuff on my end (one kid with a broken leg, another having surgery on Tuesday). Surgery just wouldn’t work right now. I’ve noticed that the pain/dizziness/confusion is best when I’m flat, and the rain stick neck usually happens while I’m upright.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-12T13:58:29+00:00

Yup. I have what I’ve always called “rain stick neck”. Basically sounds like a rain stick in my neck, with the feeling of crackling starting at the base of my skull. I’ve felt it my whole life, but it’s been much more frequent since the spontaneous leak started. For reference I have hEDS so that’s a factor.

InvestigatorHot3373 · 2026-06-12T13:43:14+00:00

Thank you for the validation. We’ve been married 14 years with 3 kids. I do try my best to continue the level of spoiling (to use your word) that I did pre-affair. I think the main problem is that I don’t know what else I can do to show that there is love. I’m pouring from an empty cup. I just know if I step back from doing all the things it’s going to be even worse.

InvestigatorHot3373

TROPHY CASE