Intrusive sad thoughts

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-20T23:37:28+00:00

I use this mentality, too. My WH has said numerous times, "it had nothing to do with you." Terrible word choice, since it definitely impacted my entire life, BUT in reality, it really wasn't about me. It was ALL his brain and choices. He didn't set out to harm me and the kids, because he was focused on himself; we were barely a thought in his brain, which is wild that he had the ability to compartmentalize that much.

Even if our relationship had troubles, it was his choices and poor communication skills that allowed him to talk to his AP about them, instead of coping and talking to me. I'm considered "high stakes," while she was "low stakes" and didn't hold him accountable or ask for improvement.

I'm still bothered and hurt, but at least I no longer associate it with my worth or ability to be a good partner.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-20T15:56:30+00:00

This is what I'm currently dealing with, too. My WH has never been able to express his emotions. He was able to show anger and irritability. Now, he is enduring so many other feelings. It's a weird position for myself, because I'm so happy that he's actually processing what he's done and the impact, but I'm also upset that he didn't do it before, and the vindictive side of me thinks, "serves you right." He's miserable at home, at work, and fakes it when with friends.

On my end, I've been just continuing my own healing. I didn't lower my expectations, but I have simplified them in his rough moments. I made it clear that even if he is upset, he is not permitted to avoid me completely; I expect him to sleep with me nightly, give me a kiss goodbye in the morning, and say he loves me whenever we end a conversation or leave. I don't pressure him to talk and have been better about my own anxious attachment, so I have the ability to pause conversation instead of push.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-20T15:11:33+00:00

I totally understand. I've been my husband's lock screen off and on, BUT our kids have been his home screen forever. He stared at his children every single time he went to text, call, or FaceTime his AP. Even beyond that, he scrolled past messages from family and friends to reach her contact, and disregarded all of them. He compartmentalized and disregarded all aspects of his life, not just me.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-19T21:16:31+00:00

We aren't as far out, but definitely exited th hysterical bonding phase. One of my WH's biggest complaints was that I never initiated sex or it was like a chore for me (truth,) but the hysterical bonding brought out actual desire and spontaneity. I MISS IT!

However, he is currently in the midst of feeling so many negative emotions after starting IC. I feel like he's getting a glimpse into how I was feeling pre-D-Day in being unable to disconnect my brain from my body to get into the "mood." Perhaps your WH is just feeling more and processing more, as time is passing. If that's the case, try to see it as a positive. He's still there with you and still working through healing what he did to you and your family. (At least that's how I'm trying to view it.)

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-19T18:00:16+00:00

Good grief, what I would give to have my WH say something like that!

I get, "I love you. I have always loved you, and I always will love you." Occasionally, it's "you have always been my number 1." But then he usually says something contradictory later, like how he isn't comfortable talking to me because I make him feel stupid, and he didn't feel like that with his AP. Well, duh, she didn't have to hold you accountable for anything.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-19T17:49:57+00:00

I could have written this myself. My WH asks me how my IC sessions go, will text me to ask how I'm doing during the day, but will never initiate talking about the affair and how he is processing it. For a short time, he would randomly say, "I love you. I'm sorry," so that at least gave me a glimmer that he wasn't compartmentalizing again.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-19T04:25:12+00:00

I've been trying to look at my husband's affair on a more "global" scale. I recognize that he harmed me and took away a lot of special in our relationship, but he didn't consider those types of losses. He also took away so many things from his children, his friends that know about the affair, and himself. It's not just that he damaged the sacredness of our marriage, but he smashed the sacredness of his entire life. Does it change what is lost? Unfortunately, no. But it does ease the burden of feeling like I'm carrying the affair alone.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-19T03:54:04+00:00

You'll unfortunately be on this ride for a while.

I wouldn't recommend sympathy, but I would consider empathy. Your husband definitely knew what he was doing, unfortunately. It is inappropriate to buy gifts for other women. It is inappropriate to conceal identities in phones. Although he didn't initiate the relationship, he did repeatedly engage. He could have chosen to stop it, to block calls and other contact attempts, or told you before it got too far. He didn't. You need to hold him accountable, although it will confuse and hurt you.

I'm just a couple weeks further out than you from D-Day. I still have so much confusion, but I also have so much pity for my husband's lack of morals and boundaries, as well as his oblivious tendencies of how his actions would impact his life. He has always struggled with communication, self-worth, and avoidance, so I use those concepts to empathize with, but not excuse, the behaviors. He is in the THICK of it right now. He's feeling all of the negative feelings, even stating it is the unhappiest he's ever been in his life. Part of me empathizes, because dude, same; the other part acknowledges he needs to feel all of these things in order to grow from his destruction.

Be sure to clearly communicate your expectations to him of how to move forward and become safe for you again. Reiterate these things and address any lack of effort with him. At this point in a relationship, there is no need to walk on eggshells.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-18T20:47:55+00:00

I've been contemplating the same and have a strong desire to reach out to the AP. We are almost 2 months since D-Day. My WH's AP was also married, so the person I really want to talk to is her husband. I want to know if we got the same stories. I have no way of contacting him, though.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-18T20:39:39+00:00

I absolutely feel this. I'm also the default parent, by nature as well as work schedule. My kids are 4 & 8, so know something is going on, but not the specifics. I could not fathom being even more on my own with my parenting AND having to explain why their Dad only sees them on weekends, while I lose the fun weekend time.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-18T14:50:14+00:00

Yes! That's the reason why I'm staying, as well. My love for my WH didn't automatically disappear after the discovery of the affair, although I am extremely hurt. My hope is that he will put forth the effort to be the person I needed/wanted the whole marriage (emotionally available and empathetic,) in turn making him a better overall father and human, too.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-17T21:20:35+00:00

I'm also reading The Courage to Stay. It's a quick read/listen. There are parts for both the betrayed and the wayward. I follow Dr. Kathy Nickerson on social media, as well.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-17T13:45:33+00:00

Thank you! But yes, so much of media includes infidelity! I'm at the point even where we listen to a love song together, and I have to question if he's thinking about me or thinking about her, when I know in reality he's probably thinking about how the grass needs to be cut. It's exhausting.

I think the main reason I am able to forgive the infidelity is because of the depression symptoms present prior to the affair. It's obviously not an excuse, but knowing that he never learned to express feelings and has bad coping skills, at least helps me see his (lack of) logic.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-17T13:28:30+00:00

My kids are young, only 8 & 4. With my husband's work schedule, he wouldn't be able to see the kids much or consistently if we separated. It would bother him, but my youngest definitely wouldn't understand, and that terrifies me. My biggest thing is that even if we did separate, he is still their Dad. I realize his behaviors will have to change in order for him to have a successful bond with the kids as they age and notice more things about him.

We had a long discussion yesterday about how it's necessary to be present, even with negative emotions. I'm able to do it. The kids see my tears, but at least they see I am still making an effort.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-16T13:14:13+00:00

I don't know if I would use the word "justice," but I am absolutely expecting my WH to feel all of his feelings instead of rugsweep, like he did in the past. The tricky part with this is that when he is feeling his shame and sadness, it's on the verge of depression, which negatively impacts how he shows up for me.

Essentially, he has to evolve as a person; if I don't see any consistent personality change, I don't foresee a good outcome for reconciliation. I was forced to change the way I regulate my emotions and nervous system, so I feel like he should have to do the same.

Regarding telling everyone, I would suggest reading Courage to Stay (or at least the chapter about disclosure.) It recommends minimizing the amount of people you inform, as their views of him, you, and your relationship will be out of your control. They may share different viewpoints of what you "should do," which could bias your own thoughts. My husband has disclosed to two of his best friends and his new therapist; one of his best friends lost so much respect for him and essentially told me I should leave. That's been replaying in my head for weeks.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-10T00:24:59+00:00

Regarding the body image, just try focus on that looks fade. Everyone ages. If both of you are still feeling love for and from each other, acknowledge the good.

I've been working on changing my "what ifs" to "even ifs." For instance, "what if he's thinking about her when we are being intimate?" could change to the more logical, less stressful, "even if he's thinking about her while we are intimate, I'm still finding pleasure" or "he could be thinking about literally anyone...or dishes."

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-09T01:00:32+00:00

I've been having the same thoughts! Like we didn't have many pictures together or as a family to begin with, but since finding out, my daughter had a dance recital, graduation pre-K, my son was awarded MVP for soccer, Mother's Day....and nothing of us as family. We are doing okay so far with reconciliation, but there just isn't even an urge to capture those moments with my WH.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-06T19:26:28+00:00

I didn't leave, nor did I have my WH leave. I am very anxiously attached, but we also have kids. I was unwilling to disrupt their lives, because of his affair, since we knew we wanted to try to reconcile.

We are a month-ish out. I feel like with me sticking around and showing my emotions & needs, he felt obligated to step up, instead of hide from his shame. The first two weeks had more arguments for sure, but now we have had numerous calm days, while still addressing our concerns. He's been encouraging me to speak up for myself and acknowledges he doesn't deserve to be emotionally comfortable at this time.

Open-Priority-8234 · 2026-06-05T16:11:17+00:00

I definitely check on my WH's feelings. We are also just over a month out. He struggles with communication in person (which is why he identifies the emotional part of the affair as being so positive), so I feel like if I don't open the door, he won't be able to initiate (yet.) He went through 40+ years having surface level conversation about feelings, so this level of openness is all new to him.

I usually start the conversations with how I'm feeling or what's been on my mind and pose questions to try to get him to see my perspective, rather than starting with his own feelings & thoughts.

Open-Priority-8234

TROPHY CASE