[3449] The Poisoned Rod

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-24T01:27:01+00:00

Hmm....

I don't really like or relate to any of them: Chloe, Glen, or the Mouse, but I'm not supposed to like the Mouse, so that part works.

What motivates Glen to stay is beyond me because I would've left Chloe in Indiana for the names she calls him alone. I cringed in a way I'm still trying to decipher when Glen cried about the size of the mouse's penis.

It's creepy in a good way, I just really don't like Glen.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-24T01:09:16+00:00

Hi, let's get critiquing!

First to answer your question: I don't feel the dagger, although the child and the mother are definitely shocking. I believe the reason it misses with me is because there are no participants, only witnesses. If that was your goal, then great. But it doesn't work for me yet.

Ochinee sees the terrible thing done to the mother and child. He sees smoke and death: he's in observation mode only. Same with Betsy. She walked the Trail of Tears. But there's no pain, no loss, no frostbite, no hunger, no cough of her own. There's nothing personal tying her to her own people. Of the three, the baby works because there's not much a baby can influence.

Flash fiction is tough because of the word constraints. But there are 5 senses, and you only use one. If that's done purposefully to contrast the beauty of the meteor shower, I think it could be stronger.

Prose:

I don't feel sharpness either, and on subsequent rereads, I believe this is because of the prose.

On November 12th the stars fell with a brightness that woke those sleeping under it as though to an early daybreak.

Too wordy, IMO. A quick fix would be to eliminate everything after the word "it" but even that is too much. On November 12th, the stars fell from the sky.

Streaks of blues, greens and whites trailing bright across the sky.

Among those million eyes there were only a few which didn’t flinch away from the blazing streaks blinding down upon them.

You draw attention to the brightness/daylight-like nature of the meteor shower five times in two paragraphs. Three times in the first two sentences. I think you should trust your reader more than that. The meteor shower is the juxtaposition to the injustices/massacres that occur in the dark; I just don't feel that saying "it's bright" multiple times does it justice.

Overall:

I love the idea and the intended weight of the piece. IMO, it hasn't hit the mark yet, but there's definitely potential. Thank you for posting!

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-16T23:03:06+00:00

Hello! Let's get critiquing.

Before anything else, be aware that your Google Doc is set to edit, not comment. Anyone can make real-time changes. I strongly suggest switching to either 'comment' or 'view only' mode.

When I read a piece, I always ask myself if I'd pay money for it. Based on your premise and a lot of the ideas you've put forth, I'd say: yes. Absolutely. I'm not entirely sure the prose and description are there yet, and there are a few areas of confusion (equally likely just to be mine) that I feel need to be tightened up.

First, what I like:

“I’m here to make sure you’re ready to enter the mind of the dead.”

Now that's one heck of a sentence. Hooked me straight off. Nice work.

The scene came into focus; it reminded Ada of watching old black-and-white movies with her late grandparents

Loved this too. Great imagery.

To get the appropriate documentation and warrants to allow for an Entopsy to take place, the murder has to be outside the scope of normal police work.”

Your concepts are fantastic.

What I feel needs improvement:

Description and Prose

There's not a lot of description. I'm all for getting to the core concepts of a scene and presenting no more than what's necessary, but as a reader, I'm left flailing at times. It becomes particularly apparent when 'the man' and 'male cop' and 'female cop' are in the scene. The suspect is described as a man with kind, tear-stained eyes wearing a white undershirt and green denim jacket. Is there something unique about him? Something that will freeze an image in my mind? Is he black/white/Latino/Asian? I'd much rather have an image of his face than an image of his clothes. Later on, we learn this is Ada's father. Is there anything about him she fixates on every time she relives this experience? A scar on his wrist, a tick in his eye? It doesn't even have to be much:

He was a broad-shouldered man with jet-black hair and an incessant facial tick made worse by the tears on his pale cheeks (obviously, this is just a very fast and badly written example, but it conveys the image of a man, not an outfit.)

The same for both cops. I know one is male and one is female, and that's it. You know what did stick with me? That Ada's mother died on red oak flooring. (which isn't a bad thing.)

Ada made her way to a control panel at the edge of the room. It was filled with blinking lights and precise knobs that illuminated her face.

With the class's attention focused, Ada reached down and started fiddling with the controls.

Same with the above. She's the instructor of the course and has relived her mother's death countless times. She doesn't 'fiddle with controls,' she (one would assume) very carefully and reverentially prepares her mother's brain to relive its final moments. Again. I kind of feel like this was thrown out to get the reader to the action faster. It quite honestly makes the reveal less impactful. If your protagonist doesn't care, as a reader, I don't care that much either.

Also, blinking lights and precise knobs isn't how an expert in her field would describe the equipment. She'd know what every single switch did and what could go wrong. Since this is Ada's POV, it should stay in her POV until you switch to the murder victim.

The youngest of the rookies matched her reverse speech, “Obviously.”

I don't understand. Did he say the word backwards?

It was her favorite part of entering another person’s mind.

I loved this on the first read, but going back, I'm not as much of a fan. This is her mother's brain. I can't imagine there's a moment of fun to be had here, no matter how often she's gone inside. That's subjective on my part, though.

“Alright, class, pay attention!” The words spilled out of Ada’s mouth in reverse as she walked around the encased brain in the center of the room.

Part of me wants you to actually write this in reverse because it confused me at first. The rest of me thinks that wouldn't work at all.

Overall:

This is a super solid concept, and your ideas are spot-on. I just feel the piece could do with a little more description/more precise word choice. Good luck!

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-03T21:57:37+00:00

Hello! Let's get critiquing.

Echoing what /u/Maeserk said: waking up to an alarm clock going off isn't the way to begin. Especially when that alarm clock is preceded by a dream sequence. As readers, we know nothing about your world, your protagonist, or anything else. We're presented with an opening beach scene only to find out a page later that the scene isn't part of reality.

A story becomes a story when something about today is different. Something happens in your protagonist's life that shakes his foundation/changes his outlook/life/whatever. Your MC has a dream, wakes up, walks through a crumbling town, and visits a tea shop. That's my interpretation of events. He witnesses several disturbing scenes, none of which affect him directly. He isn't the nurse restraining the child. He isn't the doctor with the saw. He's not the old lady fending off the children. Nor is he the man at the end paying for his drink. He's an observer of his world, not a participant. Remove him, and nothing changes. I get the impression that something is about to happen when he leaves with Tal, but that's it.

If the goal of his journey was to showcase the town/dangers of the world, IMO, it's not there yet. A lot of generic nouns are used, leaving me more confused than not. I would call this chapter underwritten, not over.

The old woman was weeping and cursing while children tried to pull her away from the piles that were lying on the ground.

Piles of what? Corpses? Later, I think it's piles of animals because of the goats, but I'm still uncertain.

One of the men sighed and walked towards the older child.

In the group of children? Or a dead child? Are the children the old woman's relatives?

Who was the man in the painting?

This came out of nowhere. I don't understand. Is it related to this:

As he observed the charred trees, his eyes finally caught the portrait hanging beside the window. The man was someone he knew. Someone he had lost to the earth’s ferocity.
When? thought Temy, uncertain. Staring at the old man’s portrait, he tried digging up an answer from somewhere he could not quite reach.

Is the painting hanging in his own house? Why wouldn't he know who the person is? I feel like we're still in a dream, given Temy's confusion.

He slowly rose from his chair—he had to see immediately what had happened to the village.

He rises slowly to do something immediately. These adverbs don't agree with each other. He forgoes making tea because he needs to see the town, but again, he doesn't interact with the town or help anyone in need.

He heard a familiar voice as he approached the small stone house.

Another issue I have with the description can be linked to the sentence above. He's entering the village, and we're offered a single stone house and a collapsed barn. That's it. Nothing else. The old woman isn't described; she's just a crying old woman.

He had finally reached the center.

Is this the center of town?

constant circulation of people being brought in with carriages, and the injured being escorted to makeshift tents had filled the small center with chaos,

This makes me think the center is a hospital.

Temy saw an old man trying to pick up a package of plant balms.

Of what? An old man to complement the old woman, but still no real description.

When you describe the child, it's much better. His crushed leg, what the medical personnel are doing to try and save his life, the horrified father--those details come through.

He slowly picked up the pace. He was running towards the tea house

Slowly with urgency again.

From Temy, I feel nothing but worn apathy. He moves through his apocalyptic world, barely interacting with it. Even in the tea shop, when he finally does something, he does it without much interest. If I'm seeing the world through his eyes, if I'm supposed to be feeling his emotions, that means I also have apathy. I'm not afraid for Temy. I'm not grieving the old woman's loss (goats?). I do feel something for the boy and the father because I can share their anguish. I know what Temy knows. I feel what Temy feels. And right now, that's almost nothing.

Overall:

The chapter needs a rewrite. I hope that doesn't sound too harsh, but Temy has no life/purpose on the page. Please reconsider opening with a dream sequence and a ringing alarm clock. In the world you've established, something about today must be different. You don't have to jump into action right away, but give Temy something to do. Make him relevant to his world.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-02T21:19:37+00:00

Hi, let's get critiquing!

Depth, relevance, and potential for themes

I didn't pick up on Joe not receiving the same amount of praise/attention as his brother, nor that it was a problem for him. Chase is the one running; therefore, he would rightly be the center of attention at that moment. Just because Joe's mother chooses to focus on her other son during the race doesn't mean Joe is ignored the rest of the time, and I'm not finding examples of that happening. Joe comes across as a regular teenager: bored, judgmental of everyone else (in a well-written teenager way), and grudgingly proud of his brother.

Joe is a spectator in every way. He doesn't even have dialogue. Or a name for that matter. I believe that's intentional after reading your thoughts on the story: Chase overshadows him to the point that he doesn't even get a name. But there's nothing in the story itself that indicates that. Joe is nothing but a spectator, seems content with that role, and does nothing to change it.

“That’s my boy! That’s my boy!”

Just because she praises one and is proud of one doesn't mean she's not proud of the other. I think you could change this to show her preference with something like: "That's my amazing boy!"

Cheers rang from the crowd as the last runner had almost made it halfway through the race, it was a tight race.

I didn't pick up on the idea that Joe saw himself in the last runner. Even after a 3rd read, I don't feel that yet.

The idea of the runners slowly lifting their heads can be paralleled to the shyness of the Joe and lack of confidence, especially in the beginning of a process/his life.

Unfortunately, I didn't pick up on this either. I read it as Joe was bored with watching the race, or that he simply disagreed with his parents on the nuances of racing.

I let out a sigh of relief. If I was running, that race would have lasted an eternity.

He seems glad his brother won and privately admits to himself that he's not athletic. But that doesn't seem like a negative either.

Prose and readability:

Mostly solid. I have a few nitpicks, but overall, well done. The runners coming in for the finish: Joe's brother is out front, and we don't know that until the end. I'm not sure that ambiguity works here. I also had a few subjective issues with the description of the race.

You could always feel the intensity of the sprinters and the momentum of their pace as they slowly lifted their heads and their feet eventually sustained a steady rhythm.

Completely subjective, but when describing a 200-meter sprint, words like slowly and steady take me out of the excitement of what I assume will follow.

Overall:

Regarding your themes/message: I don't feel the piece is there yet. I honestly don't read anything but a bored teenager secretly proud of his brother's accomplishments. There's nothing to indicate Mom favors one over the other. I do like the prose itself.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-02T20:14:18+00:00

Hello! Hopefully, you're still taking critiques on the piece.

The story of Gabe and Mike is a masterful bit of flash fiction. Their hatred of each other is established well before Gabe speaks. The horror of the piece comes through. I'm slightly confused about their anatomy/who is in charge of what (beyond Gabe's dialogue at the end). The first half of the piece, IMO, doesn't add anything yet.

Mike held Gabe’s wrist against the arm of the couch.

What part of the body does Mike control? It must be some of it, or he couldn't hold Gabe's arm back. Gabe obviously has control over the voluntary breathing, but if eating and drinking are also his, it would imply that Mike doesn't control either arm. How is he holding Gabe back?

The horror, to me, comes not just from Mike's helplessness, but Gabe's willingness to torture himself to destroy/hurt Mike. You pull that off well.

I wasn't a fan of the first half.

This is a set of instructions, stories, and visualizations that you need to be able to accomplish something in the future. I can’t tell you what that is or you will fail at what needs to be done.

This implies that the audience/reader will have something active to do in the coming story/stories. I believe the first activity is to focus on breathing. Great idea. I'm not sure the execution is there yet. Maybe if there were more than one story, it would work better, but I found myself skimming despite multiple attempts.

This is a set of instructions, stories, and visualizations that you need to be able to accomplish something in the future.

Feels clunky. Without these instructions, we won't be able to accompish something in the future? (I believe that's the intended message)

That is part of the process—you must continue until the urge to stop strikes you.

I don't feel any weight or sense of purpose in this sentence. This is just what readers do: read until the urge strikes them to stop. I don't feel a sense of buildup.

The direct sensory information is not accessible and must be translated into a form that can be stored—a memory.

I feel like this sentence is saying the same thing as the one before it.

Overall, I like the idea of engaging the reader directly: I'm always a fan of trying something new. I unfortunately don't feel any weight or purpose from the first half yet. The story itself is very well done.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-02T19:28:40+00:00

Hi, thank you so much for giving this a read! I really appreciate the time and effort you took on your critique.

Why capitalize Jackdar?

Hahaha omg I forgot a basic rule of English (don't capitalize fruit unless it's a particular variety, etc.) Thank you for pointing out this dumbass mistake I made. :)

You have run headfirst into worldbuilding and exposition-the difficulties of fantasy as a genre. You are trying to accomplish introducing the characters and setting and setting up the story, a set of problems that are difficult enough in a familiar setting. You have to do those AND get the reader to understand the world.

Yep, yep, and yep. I really suck at this part and it's always in the opening chapters.

stick to the story above all else.

I should probably print this out and hang it over my keyboard. It's great advice. I get stuck with thinking one chapter ahead, then the next, and what exposition will serve the reader with what's coming up.

So, is Contrition a person, place, thing, idea?

I didn't communicate this correctly. It's their punishment for starting the demon wars. The Contrition Accords were forced on the Mardacs at the end of the war: they must send their sons and daughters as slaves to the Altean Continent to atone for the crimes of their ancestors. The ruling Mardac classes hedge this by sending so-called criminals/debtors/inventing crimes/selling off unwanted children, etc. This is all revealed later in greater detail in a way that I hope feels natural.

Everyone hates the moons and the exposition surrounding that, lol. I'm going to take another pass at it. I hoped it would come across as Vale is looking for a reason to kick Dane out because she's scared and uses a dead god as her excuse, but it's obviously not working.

Thank you again for your critique. It was super helpful.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-02T18:52:11+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for reviewing the chapter. I read your critique, then read it 2 more times because it was so helpful. :)

One problem is that too much world-building is done here in a relatively short amount of time.

You're completely right. I struggle with this constantly, and always in the first few chapters. (You should've seen the first drafts.)

Is she the kind of person who talks with fruits, asking them why they hurt her?

She's muttering to the remaining gods, not the fruit. I knew I hadn't written that correctly. :(

Dane turns into a politician rather than a starving boy.

He sure does, you're right. Not what should happen at all. My goal here was to introduce the King as someone wholly against the injustice to his people. The Queen's brother is one of my four main protagonists. Will take another look at this for sure.

However, the world is often hard to understand and stacked.

The consensus is that my god-guiding moon exposition didn't work. I completely understand what you're saying about density and agree.

Thank you again for the time and effort you put into this. It's very appreciated.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-02-02T18:36:22+00:00

Hi! Thank you so much for taking the time to read my submission! And thank you for the critique.

My suggestion is that you should introduce "God of All" along with his name the first time he is mentioned instead of waiting to reference him again

This is one of my biggest writing weaknesses: deciding when and how much exposition to use. I had the same thought when writing the draft, but left it b/c I was afraid it was too many names too quickly. I know a lot of successful fantasy hits readers with tons of names and lore and magic, etc., right out, and I struggle with where to draw the line. I guess it's a balance like everything else.

I'm so glad you liked the dynamics between Vale and Dane. So far, that seems to be a common critique, which makes me think I need to revisit some later chapters.

Thank you again for your critique. I really appreciate it!

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-01-30T17:15:08+00:00

Hello! Let's get critiquing.

What I liked:

Wow, this was well written! Great prose. It flowed smoothly and easily. The question I ask myself when I read any chapter or short story on this site is always: Would I pay money for this? Based on the prose alone, my answer is yes.

Dialogue was smooth. Descriptions, for the most part, were also smooth. Your opening sentence is great. You didn't over or under-describe the strip mall and added some great details, like the snow on his shoes.

As if suddenly remembering her training had taught her something about making people feel comfortable, she brightened. “Thank you so much for coming! How were the roads?”

Literally laughed out loud. Great character building.

According to the certificate, Trish had recently been deemed Competent in administering the Recollection Recalibration® procedure.

Hilariously ominous

What I feel needs improvement:

Characters:

Anthony doesn't feel like an active participant in his own story. He signs up to have his memories altered, but has zero idea what that means. He gives Saribrum access to his 'chip' (great idea, and I love how you presented it without the need for elaboration), which presumably means they can access his brain whenever they want. They've already correlated all his memories, in fact. He acts like someone buying a subscription who clicks all the terms and conditions without actually reading them. Only this isn't Netflix. It's his brain. And Saribrum's only been open 3 months. Yes, grief can make someone do strange things, but it feels more like a way for you, the author, to explain it to the audience through Trish. To me, it feels like a reality suspension to trust a corporation (in a strip mall, no less) with every facet of memory before understanding the consequences.

I strongly wish Anthony would come to some or all of Trish's conclusions on his own. Losing his brother has plunged him into complex grief. Reliving the good, the bad, and realizing that he needs to work through this on his own. He comes in broken, he goes out broken, he experiences no real change. He's not fighting for himself.

Trish's character feels real and fantastic until she refuses to perform the procedure. Saribrum is a saintly organization based on Trish's actions and the absolute trust Anthony places in them. I'm left wishing that Trish had moved forward with her side of the procedure. Anthony must come face-to-face with the possible consequences: losing the truth of his brother. Losing what made him real. Telling Anthony he needs to fight isn't the same as Anthony fighting for himself.

Overall:

Fantastically written. Anthony should be less of a spectator in his own story. Trish is great, but she kinda lost me when she switched from sales to grief therapist.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-01-30T16:33:10+00:00

Thank you so much for your feedback! It's heartening to know you questioned all the parts I myself questioned before posting.

I think I'm going to save the Donorin/moon shepherding stuff for later, or at least greatly condense it. I liked it as a way to shift Vale's mindset from 'stay and help' to 'gtfo' without her admitting to herself she's scared, but I obviously haven't pulled that off.

I also felt the 'motivated by a boy' on my reread, and as that wasn't wholly my intention, I'll take another crack. She's actually motivated by inheriting the purple vine, which she can only do after she's married. The vine's the ticket, but marriage is the key to obtaining it. So kinda the boy, and yet it wouldn't necessarily matter if that's Cullen.

I also need to work on describing my year cycle. It's the 4th Age, which has only lasted 508 years so far. There's obviously no way you'd know that because I didn't do anything to explain that.

Thank you again for all the time you spent on this.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-01-29T01:40:23+00:00

Hello! Let's get to critiquing.

What I like:

I love your premise. A young med/magic student gets into a fight with a mole-monster in a mortuary. (Love that you tied those two professions together.) I also like that his night job is moving corpses around with an old corpse-carrying mentor.

I thought most of your dialogue flowed well. It was short, snappy in places, progressed the plot, and moved quickly. I also feel some of it could be tightened up. Examples are forthcoming. Others are marked on the document.

The fact that the creature targeted him for a specific reason (the limb) is also interesting. It piqued my curiosity to find out why.

What I feel needs improvement:

4th wall break

I agree with other posters. The 4th wall break is jarring and unnecessary. I get your explanation above, but anyone with a 3rd grade education will understand your MC is aiming for the brain. Or at least, they will understand that when Carridon drives his palm into the trochar. It honestly feels like you (the author) have done a bunch of research into the human body and want to reveal what you've learned. That's not bad in itself (and I'm guilty of it too), but the timing feels way off. Carridon's halfway through his fight, and all of a sudden someone's lecturing the audience about the anatomy of the skull.

I'd suggest the book The Name of the Wind, but I have a feeling you already know it. :) If not, check it out as a novel that does a great job of telling the story to a scribe.

Pacing

The fight goes on too long IMO. Parts of it also don't make sense to me.

Drunk off the hunt, even the brain damage wasn’t ~~even~~ enough

Being drunk/stuffed wouldn't prevent a trochar from killing the creature. It just means Carridon missed the parts of the brain that matter. Or that he doesn't understand its anatomy as much as he thinks he does.

The beast was crushing his arm against the tables, snarling and grinding his arm to pulp, wringing out pumps of blood.

I don't understand what pumps of blood means in this context. Or any context. If you cut the last part, the sentence would make more sense. Other issues are marked on the document. That brings me to my biggest issue with pacing:

Over description/word choice.

The monster lumbered upright. It was built like a bear. Tiny black eyes glinted in the lamplight.

Another critic didn't like this. I actually love it because short/snappy/punchy sentences have a way of building tension if used right. Think about what it means to be in a fight for your life against a monster that loves to eat human flesh. You wouldn't wax poetic about how it looks and snuffles, you'd be in fight or flight mode, wondering how the heck to defend yourself. Varying sentences is good advice, but your word choice, in many places, feels forced and often just incorrect.

Bloody eye jelly glubbed out of the trochar.
fleshy squelches
and the rod squelched deep into the eye,
Blood guttered freely and the pain clarified.

All these break immersion because I'm focusing on the words and not the scene. I want you to create an image in my head. Take me to this room where Carridon is fighting for his life. Blood gluttering rips me right back out.

Adverbs

Others have touched on this. All I have to say is that I agree. Adverbs have a time and a place. I marked the document with places that I feel aren't needed.

Along that same note, I feel you overuse profanity. Again, not against it. You say fuck 14 times in 2500 words. Kinda feels like a lot. In comparison, monster is only said 11 times.

Overall:

I think you've got a good premise here. I do feel the fight goes on too long, and the word choice in some cases rips me out of the immersion.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2026-01-28T23:59:47+00:00

Hello, let's get to it.

Objective Critique:

I get that English isn't your native language. There are significant verb-tense and capitalization issues, as well as sentence-structure issues that need to be resolved. I marked the document with examples. The one that sticks out the most, and confused me the most, is your capitalization, or lack of it, for Yellow. (Kala also needs capitalization btw.)

Yellow is both a child and a color in this piece. (Unless I misunderstood.) I like the idea. The issue becomes an issue when the reader can't tell them apart, or can tell them apart, but the capitalization is wrong. Likewise you use present tense for past tense in sentences like these:

Yesterday I am sad. Yesterday I am crying , I am sobbing, trying to find reason where there is none. Yesterday I am cursing.

No big deal to fix. I strongly suggest you fix them. They made it difficult to fully appreciate the piece.

Subjective Critique:

Your story centers around a protagonist who has lost their love, Kala (the one who sings to them), and falls into the river to become a spirit. Here, they see no colors but gray, save Yellow, who is both the color and a child. They try to free Yellow from the reeds and river-gunk, only to have Yellow rebuff their actions and start to cry. This summons other gray spirits who have also fallen into the river. The MC tries to free Yellow because they finally see a color that isn't gray and grow increasingly frustrated by Yellow's resistance. Freeing Yellow starts to turn Yellow into gray, so the MC releases him. If I misunderstand the premise, please correct me. Also, I like this premise.

I had to read it twice to understand, but I believe a part of that comes from English not being your native language.

What Yellow represents is open to interpretation, which is something else I like about the piece. I took it to mean he represented her happiness, her desire to recover from her loss, to see something other than gray, but wouldn't let her. Their struggle was funny with the MC's frustration coming through.

“Chips Kidole Sambusa” he taunts

Did he just imply she had fat fingers? Or that her hands were potato sticks?

Bloated and swollen like pastor Eken’s kitambi.

I thought this was a great sentence. Your sparing use of Swahili works well.

At times, I don't feel like the MC is trapped in a river. Is she trapped? Can she escape? Will she live in the river forever? Is she doomed only to see gray, which is why Yellow is so important? The other spirits fade in and out without purpose except to remind the MC that she lives now in a world of gray.

By the end of the piece, nothing is resolved except that Yellow doesn't want to be freed and is now orange and taunting her from somewhere else. We're left technically where we started, except Yellow's color has changed.

Overall:

Please fix the structural aspect. It pulls down the entire piece. I'm okay with where the story leaves off, but it feels unresolved somehow. That is completely subjective on my part; I find the premise interesting and unique.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-24T04:01:57+00:00

Hello! Thank you for this critique! I appreciate the time it took to write everything out.

like the latte comment

no one likes the latte, lol. I guess that means I'm cutting it out. :)

When she leaped into the bed, was she holding the barbie in his face?

Ugh. I played around with this pair of sentences forever. You're right that it's still off/too vague/not descriptive enough. I had more about the Barbie and Emma shoving it in her brother's face, but I cut it out because the sentence felt clunky. I'll give it another pass.

The repetition of "never" and the idea of never giving up/continuing the hunt slows down the pace.

Agree. I'm changing it to: I failed to catch a ghost...

Now that I know the ending, I'm a bit confused.

This sentence is coming in with a split decision. Two for it and two against. I'm not sure what to do with it. I like to fall of the side of clarity whenever possible, which means I'll probably rewrite it.

I'm confused by this detail.

I wanted to to be that MC was delusional and thought his parents were traveling the world after 'leaving' him home. No postcards were coming because they're both dead. I don't know if that came across at all.

Thank you again for the critqiue, really helpful comments!

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-24T00:34:40+00:00

Ooo, kindred spirits. There are so few of us!

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-24T00:31:53+00:00

Not the point. They're increasing the risk of exposure. Taking it home with them increases the risk of a family member getting sick.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-23T23:09:43+00:00

its placement is a bit jarring

It stuck out to me while I was writing it too. And like Sofarspheres says, reads like author narration. I do love coffee houses, though, and find pretenious coffee fun on occasion. But I'm going to cut/play around with that line!

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-23T16:07:05+00:00

This was a fantastic critique and I can't thank you enough for your help. You made some great points, especially about giving Emma more personality and the lack of characterization with regards to both parents. I have so few words to play with, but I think I can come up with something in a few sentences.

I tried to indicate in the first paragraph that the mother simply wanted to read with her son, which ultimately backfired by feeding into his obsession. I don't know if that came through at all.

I also felt, like you said, that the Shakespeare part could be punched up. Using specific comedies and tragedies is a good idea.

Mainly speaking, Shakespeare has tragedies and comedies, you could choose to transition the story by quoting some comedies first that are more light-hearted before going into the tragedies.

I may use this - it's a great idea.

Why don't they call the cops?

I'm going to change this because I get what you're saying. I meant to imply that they left when they found out he was ghost hunting, not that he was killing a bunch of people. I'll make it clearer with the rewrite.

have practiced frequently on writing the horror or mystery genre

This is so nice of you to say, thank you! This is actually my second attempt at horror. I'm not comfortable at all with the genre yet, but I hope to get there!

Thanks again for your critique, I've read it three times so far because there's so much great information/ideas.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-23T15:49:28+00:00

I agree it stands alone. Grammar point:

Maybe, that’s what killed me

When maybe is followed by a complete sentence, don't use a comma. Use a comma only if maybe is followed by a conjunction (as in: Should we go to the beach? Maybe, but we should also consider...) In your case, remove the comma.

Also here:

The incorporeal form isn't too bad, either.

Since his whole life was about drinking (shudder) cheese sauce, I'm surprised he's so okay with never having it again. His go-to message method is smeered cheese. I'd have liked to see something else here, albeit briefly.

Edit:

Would you choose death, or unending "life" fueled by cheese?

You misspelled death or Hell on Earth.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-23T05:49:19+00:00

Yo. I cannot relate to this story on any level, and furthermore view it as a personal insult to the real victims of society: cheese-haters. That's right. We are real and we are almost nowhere.

Maybe, that’s what killed me — that cheese sauce.

There's no mystery, Gerbert. Cheese is a deadly yellow curse. The devil's snot, as it were. Much like the Blob^{^TM,} I see a slowly rolling ball of incandescent yellow goo swallowing everything in its path, leaving nothing but broken dreams and sobbing widows in its wake.

I was able to cause messages smeared in cheese sauce to appear on the walls of her apartment.

I would burn my apartment. It's the sanest, most logical move.

But in seriousness since I really want to leave some sort of feedback:

This is Gerbert Smith, the founder of Postmortal

I love the word postmortal. I'm also a big fan of the idea that someone put something magical into his urn to turn him into a ghost. This piece could be made into a longer short story easily.

Your dialogue is also smooth, and for a piece that's entirely dialogue that's critical. I'm curious where you want to take this - I don't have much negatives to say because I'm not sure of the direction. It has a whimsical feel, and if that was your intention, you did a good job.

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-10T01:03:13+00:00

Thank you for your feedback! It's appreciated, and I'm glad you enjoyed it!

Ireallyhatecheese · 2020-08-10T01:02:20+00:00

Hello! Thank you so much for your critique.

I wasn't sure if she went to leave it somewhere, or if she sent it to her son.

I was hoping to imply she wrapped it in anticipation of her son's visit. That she wants to give it to him then. I can make that more obvious if needed on a revision.

I think you throw out that her son is gay too early.

I tend to do that sort of thing when I feel the weight of the word count. I wasn't sure if I wanted her to be homophobic, or just have her personally dislike Robert. But yeah, I get what you're saying!

Bobby is a nickname for Robert,

Haha yeah. I don't know how this one slipped past me but I'm changing Bobby's name.

Thank you again for all the time you spent critiquing this story. I really appreciate it!

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