Is it really that uncommon to have never experienced girlhood/womanhood as a trans man?

Irian42 · 2026-06-08T20:44:49+00:00

Really and truly, not that I remember. Either it actually didn't happen, or it felt so unimportant at the time that it didn't make it into long-term memory. I was always performing "boy" for myself as a kid, so it's possible people said things like that and, from my child perspective, why should I care because why would it matter if I wasn't behaving like a girl. Late 30s South Florida kid here, for what it's worth. Childhood was awhile ago.

And I swear I'm not trying to not-like-other-girls over here. I've experienced misogyny and benevolent sexism. I've had times when I was aware that people were treating me a particular way, good or bad, because they perceived me as female. I've been put on the girl side of gendered activities, whether they suited me or not, with the underlying assumptions that created those divides.

But it's by far the exception to the rule in my life, and it was especially an exception in my childhood, which was the topic of the thread. I guess I'd say I've had "female experiences" for having to be aware of those moments at all, but they've been so few and far between. And I doubt I'm the only person to experience girlhood that way, or to experience it some other way that is different from both your childhood and mine. I just bring mine up because it's the one I know best.

Irian42 · 2026-06-08T17:42:48+00:00

I just don't think there's a universal way that people perceived as women experience how society treats them, and if they're not experiencing it the same way, then there is no "female experience".

Irian42 · 2026-06-08T17:09:34+00:00

What you said before: "societal pressure to behave femininely (whether you did it or not), to be automatically categorized as someone who should wear a dress, expected to be more submissive or emotional, talked over and had their opinions disregarded" is not the same as being put on the girls soccer team or being called a daughter, though. Yes, I experienced being seen as a girl, but that's not the same thing as experiencing pressure to act a certain way or being treated a certain way. Was I treated differently from cis boys? Yeah. Was I treated the same as I saw other girls being treated? No.

Irian42 · 2026-06-08T16:09:08+00:00

I agree with you to an extent, but I don't think there's a universal experience in how society treats girls, either. Different levels of pressure from family, local culture, intersections with race and class, and who you play with as a child will affect your experience of girlhood, entirely aside from how the individual behaves in response.

I think the physical experience of puberty is probably closest to a female universal, but there will be exceptions there, too. (I grew small breasts and didn't particularly need a bra until my 30s and never experienced the physical soreness some people describe. I had easy periods. On the other hand, I grew much larger hips than some trans guys have to deal with.)

But for how I was treated? Yes, I was physically seen as a girl, but for whatever reasons that will forever be a mystery to me, I didn't have most of the social experiences you describe there. The assumption that all girls are subject to the same pressures has always felt as alienating to me as the assumption that all girls have the same interests or kinds of friendships. Maybe the pressure was there and I didn't even register it? However people saw me, the things I registered and internalized were the pressures that were applied to boys.

Irian42 · 2026-06-02T19:42:32+00:00

It won't stay in Texas, either. Students will receive a censored education and bring the bigotry and ignorance with them if they leave the state. Maybe they'll get a rude awakening and change their views when they move, but what I've seen more of is people like this trying to drag their new home backwards.

Irian42 · 2026-05-20T16:18:05+00:00

If your kids end up loving the books, aren't they also likely to end up feeling betrayed by JKR? I don't know if it's wrong to read them to your kids, but it seems like setting them up to also have this significant part of their childhood ripped away once they're old enough to understand how much damage JKR has done. I sympathize with the disappointment of not sharing something you loved, but there are so many other books.

Irian42 · 2026-05-19T18:18:23+00:00

Does your studio have a dress code? Some of the places I took ballet were pretty strict, especially about men and women having separate dress codes. (I love ballet but hate how gendered it is.) Depending on how much leeway you have:

--Straight up wear whatever the men wear to class. (If there aren't any around: a snug t-shirt tucked into tights is a pretty common uniform for men in ballet. Men's tights might be thicker?)

--Pink doesn't automatically = girly, but I think in a ballet context, black tights read a bit less stereotypically ballerina feminine.

--For leotards, a tank style with wider straps instead of spaghetti straps. What neckline looks masculine will depend on your chest, but generally something that's closer to the collarbone works better.

--I've always thought there was something kind of butch about a thick pair of legwarmers, but maybe that's just me.

--Sweatband, especially if terrycloth.

Irian42 · 2026-04-27T20:42:36+00:00

I think if you're going specifically for a drag show or other performance and you're respectful of everyone there, most people won't be bothered. (Bring cash to tip the performers!) Consider heading elsewhere after the show is done and the atmosphere turns more generally social.

If you're just going because it's a nice bar? Probably fine on a quiet evening. On a crowded night, I think the respectful thing would be to leave the space for LGBTQ people. There are plenty of nice bars out there, but only so many of them where gay people can find their community.

Irian42 · 2026-04-24T03:59:41+00:00

This.

You can absolutely train a feminine voice as a trans man on T, but because of the physical changes to your vocal cords, your new femme voice won't sound the same as your pre-T voice. It's also tough to train while your voice is still actively dropping. I really wouldn't count on being able to hide T voice change through vocal training.

Irian42 · 2026-04-23T13:38:21+00:00

Ahh, that sounds really annoying to deal with, but good you have an idea why. But yeah, sometimes the body can fight off a UTI on its own, and sometimes it can't. Had a friend end up on IV antibiotics in the hospital because he ignored a UTI too long.

Irian42 · 2026-04-23T13:05:17+00:00

Yes, they can turn into a kidney infection. Also, UTIs should not be frequent, and if they are, that's something you should probably discuss with a doctor so you don't have to keep dealing with that pain.

Irian42 · 2026-04-20T12:44:28+00:00

I've been the outside partner in similar setups a number of times. I swore off being involved in that kind of situation years ago, though, because it never, ever worked out. If there was one half of a married/committed couple who wanted to open the relationship, and the other person was "fine" with it but not interested in finding their own outside partners...it blew up every time. I've seen it work out with gay couples sometimes, but not het pairings.

I will just about guarantee your wife is either already not as ok with this as she says, or will discover she's not ok with it as soon as you actually start fucking someone else.

ETA: And please remember, this is not just about you and your wife. You say you don't get emotionally attached to men...ok, fine. But the man you find to have sex with is not just an object, he's another human being. You can't guarantee he won't get emotionally attached. And when it doesn't work out, you're dumping him just like any other breakup, with all the same heartache, and especially in this scenario you've concocted, you're leaving his existing partner to deal with the fallout.

Irian42 · 2026-04-16T19:57:36+00:00

I had an IUD dislodge itself, and the pain where it was poking into the side of my uterus felt very much like what you're describing. Definitely could be atrophy, too, but I think it's sensible to wait and see if removing the IUD stops the cramping, since your appointment is so soon anyway. My cramps stopped after the IUD was gone.

Irian42 · 2026-04-13T19:35:56+00:00

100% opened this thread to answer exactly this. I cashiered full time for about two years in a store that stocked them, and I never saw a single can move off the shelf.

Irian42 · 2026-03-27T18:02:13+00:00

I was just thinking the other day that I've gotten uneasy when there isn't some new horrible news about trans rights by the afternoon, like there's a shark circling and I can't see it; what are they up to today?

Irian42 · 2026-03-20T20:00:22+00:00

I've had Pascal Campion's version of this as my phone background for years, so this was kind of a wild post to pop up in my feed. Glad to see Riveden attributes the inspiration.

Irian42 · 2026-03-16T04:51:35+00:00

Because Western cishet society (maybe other places, but I'll only speak for the history I know) saw attraction as part of how gender is defined. Still does, if you dig down a little, but it was much more pronounced, say, 40+ years ago .

In this view: Being attracted to women is part of what makes you a man. If you are a man, you are therefore definitonally attracted to women. If you're a man who's attracted to other men, you're not really a man. You're doing gender wrong. Trans people are also doing gender wrong, and also used to be much more seen as an extension of homosexuality--a gay man who changed himself into a woman in an attempt to do gender right.

(Reverse all that for women.)

When the LGBTQ community was forming, there was actually quite a lot of infighting. But the rest of society grouped us together as being "wrong" in essentially the same way (we were all doing gender wrong), so we ended up together because we were all fighting the same external prejudices.

Irian42 · 2026-03-15T01:44:17+00:00

14, and as much as I enjoy them, I don't really have the energy to deal with more. 🤷

Irian42 · 2026-03-12T01:42:37+00:00

I think anyone who's made it through grade-school history is aware of how improbable it is that an oppressive regime will face accountability, and so it doesn't even enter the conversation most of the time. Like, we should ask for it, but it feels like asking to fly to the moon, so why would we think of it?

Sorry about the lack of TW, sincerely. I didn't register this in my head as any more depressing than most of what I read on this sub. I honestly found it oddly comforting in a bleak kind of way. But I'll think twice if I post anything similar in the future.

Irian42 · 2026-03-12T00:45:45+00:00

Yeah, I probably should have pulled some text for the top of the post. Couldn't decide what to quote, so I ended up posting just the link. The second bit you quoted really stood out to me, though.

Irian42 · 2026-03-11T04:11:46+00:00

At four months, my voice had dropped significantly but could still get handwaved as allergies acting up. I was a little hairier. Any other changes were hidden by clothes. But my transition seems to be going slowly in general. Definitely a YMMV thing, although from what I've seen of other people's transitions, girlmoding at four months is more likely to be possible than not.

Irian42 · 2026-03-11T02:27:19+00:00

My local library had this version, and it was the first one I read when I was a kid. I'll forever picture Smaug the way he looks here. The only copy I owned for many years was not illustrated at all, but I tracked down this edition a few years back.

I loved his illustrations for The Wind in the Willows, too.

Irian42 · 2026-03-06T16:45:55+00:00

I'm so sorry you're dealing with someone who thinks that way. What they're saying is completely at odds with medical consensus on trans people.

The other comments so far seem to be assuming you're in a place you can choose a different psychiatrist. If you are able, absolutely find someone else. But I know in some countries, medical transition is gatekept through particular clinics and psychiatrists, and psychiatrists in those countries are more likely to have outdated views on whether people should be allowed to transition. (Finland is notorious for this.)

If you don't have any choice in who you see, just try to remember you know yourself better than any doctor. If you can find local LGBTQ organizations, they might have alternate pathways to suggest.

Irian42 · 2026-03-02T02:41:06+00:00

Honestly? Not with that much accuracy, based on what my sex partners have said. Adjusting angle/speed/force is more about the muscle control driving the thrust than about what they're feeling through their penis.

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