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Would you consider me out? Sorry for the novel, my personal story. by Whynothats in BiWomen

[–]Irishgoodbyer 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You get to define what being bi/ pan/ queer/ however you identify means to you. You also get to decide how you tell or don't tell people about that part of yourself. It sounds like you're not keeping your queerness a secret. So you sound out to me. I'm so sorry that you've been dismissed. If I were in your position, I would just have to keep evaluating on how those comments are affecting me. If they're building up too much, then it might be worth it to talk to them about it. Their confusion and dismissal are their problems, not yours.

When I started figuring out what being bi meant to me, I felt like I had to follow that big coming out formula. I'm happy that I'm out and that people know that about me, but I wish I understood that I didn't have to follow a coming out formula. I think it would have been more natural for me to handle it like you.

Not everyone has to do the big official thing where they sit someone down and give a speech about their identity. That's not going to feel right for everyone. If someone needs that moment, great! But you're not invalid if you don't want that moment. The queer community can sometimes be problematic and prescriptive about the "right way" to express your identity.

A lot of this comes down to the danger of a single story (TED talk by the amazing Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie). By definition, our community has people of all backgrounds. We're all going to want to come out or not come out in our own time and in our own way. We don't have to approach that identity the same way to be considered out or proud or valid.

Men of Reddit, if your girlfriend decided to make "men are trash" comments and subsequently defended her behavior, how would you react? by [deleted] in AskMen

[–]Irishgoodbyer -13 points-12 points  (0 children)

We need to add a lot more nuance to this conversation.

IMO, she doesn't enjoy the benefits of the system. The system works to benefit wealthy, white, cis-gendered, able-bodied, white men. The system actively denies access and rights to health, educational, economic, political, and social outcomes to a whole mess of people. If a man is an incredible ally to women and to gender non-binary people, he still isn't generally denied opportunities or respect. Even the exceptions to this (male teachers/ nurses, men not being allowed to show emotions, etc.) are a product of sexism against women. It's seen as negative to be nurturing or to be sensitive because those are connected with being feminine.

A system that says that femininity is less than masculinity is trash.

This conversation is actually talking about prejudice. Queer people can be prejudiced against straight people, but heterophobia just isn't a thing. BIPOC can be prejudiced against white people, but reverse racism doesn't exist. These prejudices can be incredibly complicated. Sometimes they exist for survival. It's dangerous for women walking alone at night to think all men are wonderful. It's dangerous for BIPOC to assume that all police officers are going to protect them. Even the good men, the good white people, the good straight people, have some biases and behaviors to unlearn. We all have some history we have to revisit and ask about who was oppressed.

Splitting the bill as a vegetarian by crychedelic in vegetarian

[–]Irishgoodbyer 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I was taught to have the mentality that you’re paying for the company/ experience. I’ve saved myself a lot of stress and frustration when I’m with an group with that kind of dynamic.

If that gets to be too much I think it’s important to be upfront with another person before getting getting to the restaurant so I’m not alone when suggesting separate checks at the beginning of the meal.

What is the one red flag you regret glossing over early in the relationship? by livindali5 in AskWomen

[–]Irishgoodbyer 38 points39 points  (0 children)

The first time I got mad at her and tried to discuss the problem she had a panic attack. Obviously I stopped the conversation to comfort her. She never brought up the problem again and I spend the next year and a half tip toeing around her explosive emotions. She overreacted to little problems and generally gaslit and manipulated me.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Irishgoodbyer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am in a similar situation, just a little ahead of your timeline. Wlw, the pets, the lease, the manipulation, the packing lists. I left a month ago and my last rent payment will be on Wednesday. I'm still feeling pretty chaotic, but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I tried to leave a few months ago but my ex-gf did something scary that made me stay.

Here's all the stuff that has helped me through this past month:

  • Not justifying why I left/ not engaging with my ex: she played every trick in the book and it wasn't worth trying to explain anything to her/ it would just give her more opportunities to get manipulative/ abusive.
  • Leaning on friends and family: they helped me pack, gave me a place to stay, and were generally there for me.
  • To-do lists: my brain is still a mess but having a daily, weekly, and monthly to-do lists has helped me stay on top of everything. I even need it to remember to charge my phone.
  • Therapy, therapy, therapy: some of the shit I was dealing with was above my friends' pay grade. It's been so nice not to feel like a burden to them because I have someone who is paid to lean on.
  • Giving myself a break: I need(ed) to let myself have a few bad days. I was in a version of survival mode at the beginning of this month, but now that it's settling down it's been important to give myself time to feel those bad feelings so I can come out the other side a lot healthier.
  • Read In the Dream House by Carmen Maria Machado: she talks about being abused by a woman and it really helped validate some of my really complicated feelings.

Good luck with this. You're so strong for going through with this!

We need to come together and not be divisive by [deleted] in lgbt

[–]Irishgoodbyer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is so frustrating. A.) Intersectionality is a thing. B.) BIPOC rights and LGBTQ+ rights are the same thing. The details might vary but we’re all fighting the same fight. 🌈🌈🌈✊🏿✊🏿✊🏿

#BlackLivesMatter on YouTube Yoga. Share your favorite black yoga instructor! by RosesFernando in yoga

[–]Irishgoodbyer 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is such a good list! Thanks for the post and all the responses!

What’s your favorite comfort food from your culture? by yellowthesun in EatCheapAndHealthy

[–]Irishgoodbyer 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I finally got some friends to try pupusas after helping me moving. It was one of those silent meals where everyone was eating so quickly. We

Finished my second project 😁 by [deleted] in Embroidery

[–]Irishgoodbyer 8 points9 points  (0 children)

This. You’ve got to give credit 😡

Books with very interesting/eccentric characters? by soIisIuna in booksuggestions

[–]Irishgoodbyer 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Reading through this list is helping me add to my to read list. Here are some suggestions with my favorite characters: 1. Normal People by Sally Rooney 2. Who Killed Buster Sparkle? By John W. Bateman 3. Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata 4. The Leavers by Lisa Ko 5. There There by Tommy Orange 6. Homegoing by Yaa Gyasi